


Songs Forgotten and Remembered

by LeChatRouge673



Series: Cat's Song [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Lost Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-10-28 17:55:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 100,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10836387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeChatRouge673/pseuds/LeChatRouge673
Summary: Cataline Cousland is just done.Her entire life, she has been the responsible one, the calm one, the level-headed one. Now, following the murder of her parents, her entire life has been thrown into disarray and old regrets of paths not taken begin to resurface as she faces her new reality. When one of those regrets shows up in Denerim after a ten year absence, Cat has to come to terms not only with what she has been unable to leave behind, but with what she wants for her own future.





	1. Prologue: Antebellum

_I know, the border lines we drew between us_

_Keep the weapons down, keep the wounded safe_

_I know, our antebellum innocence was_

_Never meant to see the light of our armistice day._

 

-“Antebellum” by Vienna Teng

 

* * *

 

 

_22 Drakonis, 9:21 Dragon_

 

Spring always came slowly to Highever. Even when the trees stubbornly began to bud and the first insistent blooms would peek their heads out of the ground, the air maintained a chill and the rivers ran cold. Yet somehow, it was still one of Cataline Cousland’s favorite times of the year. There was so much potential in the world in the spring, and she loved seeing the color return to the land after the long dark sleep of winter. It also meant the spring holiday away from school, which she had been looking forward to more than usual this year.

 

This year, her father’s best friend from childhood, Rendon Howe, and his family were visiting from Amaranthine. Cat had felt a bit guilty for being so excited: she knew her mother was always uncomfortable when the Howes came to visit, and Thomas Howe was downright antagonistic to poor Thea, but her heart had still skipped a beat when her dad had told them. Delilah, the middle daughter who at eleven was the same age as Cat, was nice enough, but it was Nathaniel that she had really been looking forward to seeing.

 

They were all outside at the moment. Cat and Delilah were working on a jigsaw puzzle and trying to ignore Thomas, who was doing his best to steal her attention away. He had already seen his tenth birthday earlier that year and had developed an unfortunately aggressive nature towards Cat. The fact that she had tried to gently dissuade his attention was completely lost on him. Nathaniel, on the other hand, barely seemed to acknowledge her existence. He had turned thirteen the previous fall, and already saw himself as being too old to hang around with the “children.” The only exception seemed to be little Theadosia, who Nathaniel still didn’t pay much mind to, but he also didn’t roll his eyes at her quite as much as he did his younger siblings.

 

Her cousin was the youngest of them all. She would be celebrating her ninth birthday tomorrow, but her precocious nature meant that she tended to interact more comfortably with adults than with her peers. Thea had come to live with Bryce and Eleanor Cousland almost a year ago, though Cat had never really been told the reason why. Her parents had patiently explained that it was because the private school Cat attended would offer Thea more opportunities, and wasn’t she excited to have another girl in the house? She had been, actually; she and Thea were more sisters than cousins, but she’d also always suspected there was more to it than what she had been told.

 

At the moment, Thea was sitting quietly in a lawn chair watching Nathaniel as he sent practice arrows at the target Bryce had set up for him as a concession for the older boy having to spend his spring break in the country instead of the city. _No_ , Cat corrected herself, _not watching Nathaniel. Watching the_ bow. Thea was a curious child, and constantly picking up new skills. Cat was the one whose gaze kept drifting towards Nathaniel himself.

 

“Come on, Cat,” Thomas wheedled beside her. “Let’s go do something _fun_.”

 

“I _am_ having fun, Tommy,” Cat gestured to the puzzle that she and Delilah were working on. “Do you want to help us work on this?”

 

He snorted derisively. “Looks boring as shit.”

 

“Tommy!” Delilah gasped. “Don’t let father her you hear you say that.”

 

“Yeah, right, ‘cause he cares what I say. You know he’ll let me do whatever I want,” he taunted. He tried to grab Cat’s wrist, but she jerked it away.

 

“I said no, Thomas.”

 

“I’ll tell my dad and he’ll _make_ you play with me.”

 

Cat groaned internally. “I don’t think _my_ dad would let him.”

 

“Says you.”

 

“Exactly. And I believe she said you can go away.” a cool voice came from behind him, and Cat looked around to see Theadosia standing on the deck, her little arms crossed and a glare in her storm blue eyes. In true Thea fashion, her feet were bare and slightly dirty from running around wild, but if anything it only made her look more fierce, as did the strands of auburn hair that had come loose from her braid and were sticking out at odd angles. Cat sighed. She knew Thea’s temper, and if she got involved, it wasn’t going to end well.

 

“It’s ok, Thea,” she tried to soothe her cousin, “I can handle it.”

 

“Yeah, back off _orphan_ ,” Thomas sneered at her and, before either girl could react, gave Cataline a hard pinch on the arm.

 

“Hey,” she shrieked. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Nathaniel set his bow on the ground and stalk towards his brother, but by the time he reached them it was too late.

 

Because Thea had already decked Thomas on the nose.

 

* * *

 

 

“What. Happened.”

 

Bryce Cousland’s voice was low and steady, but Nathaniel could tell the man wasn’t happy. Thomas had run crying to Rendon after Thea had punched him, and of course their father’s first reaction was to take his youngest son’s side. It was always like that: Nathaniel and Delilah were the constant disappointments, while Thomas could do no wrong. Honestly, Nathaniel had been not a little impressed that the diminutive Trevelyan girl had actually managed to knock Thomas off his feet, but he suspected that if he had gotten to his brother first he would have done far worse.

 

Nathaniel had always been bothered by his brother’s insistence on harassing Cataline Cousland, but this year it seemed to rankle him even more than usual, and he wasn’t certain why. Cat had just seemed… different, somehow. The way she smiled at him, and the way she had looked when she laughed in the early spring sunlight… he shook the thoughts away. Right now, he had a bigger problem.

 

“That stupid orphan brat hit me on the nose!” Thomas was wailing, crocodile tears still staining his cheeks.

 

“Thea is not an orphan,” Eleanor Cousland corrected impatiently. Nathaniel could tell she had no tolerance for his brother, and he couldn’t say he blamed her. “Her parents are still alive and well, she simply lives here so she can attend the same school as Cataline.”

 

“Yeah, and because her parents don’t want her.”  
  
“Thomas!.” His brother looked nonplussed at his father’s rebuke, but Nathaniel wasn’t surprised. The whole reason they were spending the spring holiday in Highever was because his father was angling for a promotion within Seawolf and Steed, the massive shipping empire run by the Cousland and Trevelyan families. Rendon looked towards him. “What happened, Nathaniel?”

 

Nathaniel shrugged. “Tommy was being his usual charming self and went too far with Cataline. He pinched her hard enough it’ll probably leave a bruise, and she jumped out of the way. When she did, Tommy lost his balance and fell flat on his face. Thea wasn’t anywhere near him.” He caught Cataline’s eyes across the room where she stood with her parents. She seemed confused, but she gave him a small grateful smile that warmed his heart in a way he hadn’t expected.

 

“What?” Thomas shrieked, “that is _not_ what happened! Thea punched me, right in the nose!”

 

Eleanor raised an incredulous eyebrow. “ _Thea_. Little Thea managed to knock an older boy onto the ground with a single hit.”

 

“Yes!” Thomas pouted.

 

“And where exactly was Thea, if she wasn’t with the rest of you?” Bryce asked them. The small smile tugging at his lips told Nathaniel that he knew perfectly which version of events was true, and which one he was going to choose to believe.

 

“She went to play in the woods. We hadn’t seen her for at least twenty minutes.” Delilah spoke up, her voice small and quiet but strong. He was proud of his sister: for all that she had it no easier than he did, she probably had even more courage.

 

Bryce seemed satisfied by this response, and though Nathaniel was certain his father didn’t buy it, apparently his desire to stay in the Couslands’ good graces outweighed any loyalty he felt to his son. “Bryce, I am terribly sorry about this whole mess,” Rendon spoke smoothly. “Thomas, I think you should go to your room for the rest of the afternoon.”

 

 _In other words, go play your video games until we can make this go away_.

 

Eleanor placed a comforting hand on Cat and Delilah’s shoulders. “Girls, why don’t you come help me finish wrapping Thea’s birthday presents for tomorrow.” Cat and Delilah followed her out of the room, but not before Cat glance back and gave him one more sweet smile.

 

“Nate, why don’t you go and check on Thea, make sure she’s alright?” His father’s suggestion seemed innocuous enough, but Nathaniel knew what he meant.

 

_Go clean up your brother’s mess._

 

“Sure, dad,” he sighed. He stepped back outside into the clean spring air and took a deep breath. It was always this way: Thomas would get into trouble, and Nathaniel would be expected to dig him back out of it. As he passed their family’s car, he stopped and pulled a gift bag out of the back seat, hoping a peace offering would make things easier. He knew he hadn’t technically had to get Thea anything; there was the present “from the family:” some ponderous tome of Ferelden history that was stunningly age inappropriate and would probably bore the poor girl to tears. Nathaniel wondered sometimes if she wasn’t at least slightly feral. Still, he had picked something up on a whim. He would never tell Thea, but part of him felt sorry for her.

 

His brother hadn’t been entirely wrong. Thea wasn’t an orphan, but she might as well have been. He’d occasionally heard his father sneer about the ‘charity case’ the Couslands had taken in because her own parents couldn’t be bothered with her. Tiberius and Adaline Trevelyan had been in their forties when Thea was born, and they had frequently reminded their youngest daughter that she was an unplanned, and unwanted, accident.

 

Part of him related: he knew how it felt to be the family disappointment.

 

Nathaniel wandered to the edge of the forest, listening carefully for any sound that would indicate where the girl had run off to. He slipped quietly amongst the trees until he spotted a small, pale, slightly dirty foot dangling from the branches of a particularly appealing climbing tree. Making enough noise that she would be alerted to his presence, he swung himself up into the branches. When he reached the heights where she had perched, he settled into the crook of a branch facing her.

 

 _She has disconcerting eyes_ , he thought to himself.

 

Thea did not say anything at first; she just looked at him with an uncanny intelligence in her gaze that did not reconcile with her age. When she did speak, her tone was remarkably conversational. “Did Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Bryce send you after me? I’m not going back. Not until I’m good and ready. If I’m going to be in trouble I may as well do something to deserve it.”

 

Nathaniel had to smile a bit at her utter lack of remorse. He shook his head. “No. We covered for you. Told your aunt and uncle that Tommy tripped and fell after he went after Cat.”

 

She tilted her head in curiosity. “Why?”

 

He shrugged. “He deserved worse than what you gave him. My brother is kind of an ass.”

 

Thea gave him a tiny half smile at that. “Yeah.” She nodded in agreement. “What’s in there?” She pointed at the gift bag that he’d looped around his arm while he climbed.

 

“Oh, right. Here,” he handed it over. “It’s for you. For your birthday.”

 

“My birthday’s not until tomorrow.”

 

“You’ll have plenty of presents tomorrow, I’m sure.”

 

She accepted the offering with the slightest hint of suspicion before she began ferreting through the tissue paper. Finally, she reached in and pulled out a stuffed bear.

 

“I wasn’t sure- I mean, I didn’t know if you were too old for that kind of thing or not, but I hope it’s ok.”

 

Thea stroked the bear’s fur gently, and for the first time since he had met her he saw a softness in her expression. “Teddy.”

 

“What?” He asked.

 

“His name is Teddy. He’s perfect.” She swallowed hard, then looked at him, and he could see her eyes were shining with unshed tears. “My parents would never buy me one. Thought it was silly. So… so thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” he replied, and was rewarded with a real smile. He had a feeling Thea’s smiles were few and far between. “I- I know what it’s like, I guess.”

 

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I guess you would. Suddenly, she leaped nimbly down from the tree, then called back up to him. “C’mon, I want to show you something.”

 

“Where are we going?” He swung down from the upper branches, although not as quickly as Thea had, and he had to jog to catch up with her at the edge of the forest. She was kneeling by a small, cool stream, clutching Teddy tightly in one arm while plucking carefully selected wildflowers with the other. “What _are_ you doing?” He asked when he finally reached her side. She stood and handed him the small bouquet she’d gathered.

 

“You’ll need those,” she gave him the same half smile she favored, and then dashed off back into the woods, giggling.

 

_What in the Maker’s name…_

 

“Nathaniel?”

 

Cataline approached him from the direction of the house, brushing a lock of ginger hair away from her brilliant violet eyes. She smiled, and he felt the same tug on his heart he’d felt earlier. He glanced down at the wildflowers in his hand, then back to Cat.

 

 _You’ll need those_. He glanced back towards the woods, but Thea had disappeared. Nathaniel couldn’t be certain, but he thought he may have just made a very odd friend. He offered the bouquet to Cataline.

 

“These are for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

_28 August, 9:40 Dragon_

 

The sun was mocking them, Thea was certain. Although, upon reflection, she decided that perhaps the sun was simply acting in solidarity with her, the burning of its great orb a companion to the rage burning in her own heart. The chantry, meanwhile, with its soaring stone walls and stained glass windows remained cool despite the searing heat of high summer outside and the crush of people that had come to pay their last respects to Bryce and Eleanor Cousland.

 

_A random mugging. We’ll do our best, but…_

 

Even now, Thea’s temper threatened to overwhelm her, to tear the screams and sobs from her heart that she had managed to suppress in favor of allowing her cousin Cataline to grieve. Cataline had always been the responsible one, the calm and ever serene role model that Thea had so desperately needed growing up, but now, it was her turn. Thea had to be strong. She’d made the arrangements, talked to the police, spoken with their lawyer. They’d been back in Highever for a week, but it felt as though it had been years. On her left side, she heard Cataline sniff softly, and Thea reached into her handbag to try and find the tissues she’d stashed earlier.

 

She was surprised to feel a soft, furry paw.

 

Thea smiled to herself. _Teddy_. Her husband must have slipped the bear into her bag that morning before they left. The poor thing was a bit worn after almost twenty years of adventures, and he rarely left his place of honor on her bedside table unless she really needed the extra emotional support. Cullen, of all people, would have known how much Teddy’s presence would mean to her today. He sat next to her on her right, between her and her adopted fathers Martín and Padraig, while her cousin Fergus sat on the other side of Cataline. She finally found the tissues and passed one to Cat and then, just for good measure, another one down to Fergus, who accepted it gratefully.

 

She didn’t really hear the words that were spoken by the Revered Mother, or even by Cat and Fergus. Void, she barely recognized her own voice as she read the tribute she had written to the aunt and uncle who had treated her more like a daughter than her natural parents ever had. In her mind, Thea was already trying to figure out what had to come next. Fergus still had a family to focus on; she was less worried about him. Cataline, though…

 

When the service ended, she stood at the back of the chantry alongside Cat and Fergus, accepting condolences from people she didn’t know and a few she did. It wasn’t until nearly the end that a timid voice spoke up from behind her.

 

“Theadosia?”

 

Thea turned. It had to have been five years since she’d seen Delilah Howe, but she’d have recognized those eyes anywhere. They were the same silvery grey as her elder brother’s, but softer and less intense. “Delilah,” she replied, embracing the other woman warmly. “How are you? It’s been-”

 

“A long time,” the other woman finished with a gentle smile. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. Things have been difficult at home, especially after Mother, and Thomas…”

 

“It’s alright,” Thea linked her arm in Delilah’s and walked with her outside into the brilliant summer sunlight. “It’s odd that we both live in Denerim now, yet always seem to miss each other.”

 

“Yes,” the other woman agreed. They walked in silence for a moment, then paused at the crest of the hill that overlooked the cemetery. “Thea, have you… I mean, I hate to ask today, of all days, but,” she glanced at her, and Thea could read the unspoken question in her friend’s eyes even before she spoke it. She shook her head, trying to hide her own hurt and anger.

 

“No, Lilah, I haven’t heard from him. Not since he left without a trace.”

 

Delilah sighed. “No, I suppose I didn’t expect you had. I had just thought that, with you being his best friend, and with the way he felt about Cat, maybe he would have reached out.”

 

Thea laughed drily. “Lilah darling, that would require either one of them having admitted that they were crazy about each other.”

 

Delilah gave a small laugh of her own. “You’re not wrong. Thank you anyways, Thea. Listen, when you get back into town, look me up. I’d love to see you and Cataline again, and maybe it would be good for her to be around old friends.”

 

“I will, Delilah, thank you,” Thea gave her a final hug, then watched as she walked back to her own car. She was grateful that Delilah had made the trip, especially since she knew the poor woman would probably catch the void from her father for her trouble. With a long sigh, she turned to make her own way down to the private graveside services, taking a deep breath to try and quench the storm she knew must be raging behind her eyes.

 

_Nathaniel Howe better not come back. Because I will kill him myself._

 

 

 

 


	2. You Can Never Look Back

_A little voice inside my head said_

_‘don’t look back, you can never look back’_

_I thought I knew what love was, what did I know?_

_Those days are gone forever_

_I should just let ‘em go_

-“Boys of Summer” by Don Henley

  

* * *

 

 

_9 Solace, 9:41 Dragon_

It figured.

 

Nathaniel hadn’t ever planned on coming back to Denerim. Void, he hadn’t even ever planned on coming back to Ferelden if he could avoid it, and yet here he was. And appropriately enough, the weather had seen fit to mirror his dark mood, and despite it being the middle of summer a steady grey drizzle had accompanied him ever since he had gotten off the ferry in Gwaren and started the still-familiar drive north to the capitol city.

 

It had been ten years since he had left. He would have come back for his mother’s funeral, had he been told about it, but according to the letter Delilah had written him their father had had Eliane cremated and committed to the maker barely after her body was cold. Her death had been long, slow, and painful, the cancer stealing away what few shreds of her personality she had managed to hang on to after being married to Rendon for as long as she was. His father _had_ reached out to tell him that Thomas had been killed in a car accident. A little digging told Nathaniel that his brother had been shitfaced drunk at the time and had almost killed a family of four in the other car.

 

He hadn’t responded to his father’s letter.

 

Life in the Free Marches had been good to him, for the most part. He’d gone to graduate school, earned a Master’s degree in journalism, and almost immediately found work with a travel magazine. Nathaniel had spent the last seven years bouncing around the northern part of Thedas, living out of a suitcase and cultivating almost no meaningful relationships, and he was perfectly fine with that. He had, however, made friends with another Denerim transplant at the University of Ostwick, and it was Anders that had offered him a place to crash while he took care of business in the capital.

 

After that… after that he wasn’t certain where he was going to go. He knew that if he wanted his old job back, the magazine would hire him back on. The life of the freelancer had always appealed to him, and he had loved traveling around, but part of him had always wondered what life would have been like if he’d stayed in Denerim.

 

If he hadn’t left _her_ behind.

 

* * *

 

 

_7 Justinian, 9:31 Dragon_

_Nathaniel stood back and examined his handiwork. He wasn’t certain if he should be proud or concerned that he had been able to pack up his entire existence into his station wagon. Either way, it was done. He pulled down the back hatch and dug his keys out of his pocket, checking off items from a mental to-do list. This would be his last chance to tie up any loose ends. After assuring himself that everything he could do was done, Nathaniel took a moment to sit on the hood of his car and look out over the still sleeping city as the light of dawn slowly crept forth._

_He had skipped out on most of the graduation festivities. For him, his future was already set. He’d been accepted to the graduate program at University of Ostwick for journalism, yet another choice his father greatly disapproved of, right up there with the friends he picked and the way Nathaniel insisted on wearing his hair. Thinking about his father only strengthened his resolve in his decision. As hard as it would be to leave, he knew he had to. If he stayed, the toxic relationships within his family would continue to embitter him, and he would be no good for anyone, least of all himself._

_Still, there were things,_ people _, he would miss. It was why he had told no one of his plans, not his best friend, not his family, not even the woman for whom he had been harboring unspoken feelings towards for the past ten years. It was also why he was leaving now, in the early grey light of dawn, when the rest of the university campus was still asleep and the graduating class was most likely hung over from the previous night’s revelries. Or at least, that had been the plan._

_“Thea is going to kill you, you know.”_  
  


_Nathaniel sighed. He would have recognized the sweet tones of her voice anywhere, but somehow they seemed even more agonizingly beautiful in the cool crisp air of the summer morning. He turned, and Cataline Cousland padded over to him. If he had to guess, he’d say she must have come straight from bed. She was still wearing an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants, and had obviously grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find (in this case, a mis-matched pair of sandals). Even now, she was the single most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life._

_“How did you find out?”_

_She laughed softly, but he could hear the pain in her voice when she answered. “I didn’t actually. I was on my way to your apartment to tell you… well, it doesn’t matter now.” She smiled ruefully. “How long have you been planning this?”_

_“A couple of weeks,” he admitted._

_“Hm. Does Thea know?”_

_“No,” he reassured her quickly. Thea, despite the four year age gap between them, was his best friend, and she was definitely going to be displeased when she found out he had left without a word. He did not envy whoever had to take the brunt of the storm that would follow. Cat, however, was... she was something else entirely. If he had been going to tell anyone, it would have been Cataline. He almost had, a hundred times, in the days leading up to this, but every time his courage had failed. It was going to be hard enough to leave her behind. “I didn’t tell anyone Cat, I swear it.”_

_She sat beside him on the hood of his car, shivering slightly. Without a word, he slipped his favorite leather jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders, earning him a small grateful smile. She took a deep breath._

_“I know why you feel like you have to leave. I know why you_ need _to leave. I wish you didn’t, but you deserve better than what you’ve found here.”_

_“Thank you, Cat.” It still hurt, but knowing that she understood eased the pain somewhat._

_Her eyes met his. “You’ll keep in touch?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“And you’ll visit?”_

_“…yes.” The lie felt bitter on his tongue, but even now he couldn’t bring himself to tell her he didn’t plan on ever coming back._

_With a deep sigh, she stood up and shrugged off his jacket, offering it back to him. He shook his head._

_“Keep it.”_

_She slipped it back on, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Before he could think better of it, Nathaniel pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly, trying desperately to memorize the way she felt, and the subtle scent of vanilla that she always wore. Cat buried her head against his shoulder, her body wracked with silent sobs. When they parted, she looked up at him, then arched onto her toes and brushed a soft kiss against his cheek. She stepped away from the car, watching silently while he got in and turned the key in the ignition._

_As he drove away from his old life, he looked back in the rearview mirror only once._

_But she was gone._

* * *

 

 

Nathaniel hadn’t gone back. He and Cat had kept in touch for awhile over email and text and even the occasional phone call, until the sound of her distant voice became too much for him to bear. Then, slowly, it had just faded away. It had been his fault; Cat had tried to keep him up to date on what was happening in her life. She had been right: Thea was furious that he had left without telling her. They had been best friends since she was just a child, and she felt justifiably betrayed. After she had cooled down, Thea had tried to reach out as well, a couple of times, but he had been able to read between the lines. She was still hurting and still angry, and he knew he was not the right person to heal it. And Cataline simply deserved a better man than him. His family was complicated at best, and he was damaged goods.

 

But he had never let her go, either. There had been casual relationships here and there, but nothing that ever compared to the way he _still_ felt about Cat. Now, he was willingly going back to re-open old wounds, and it was all because Cat and Thea had forced his hand.

 

Nathaniel hadn’t believed it when he’d first heard the news. His father, who had been a faithful if perhaps overly ambitious employee of Seawolf and Steed for decades, had disappeared, as had several hundreds of thousands of the company’s sovereigns. The paper hadn’t explicitly accused Rendon Howe of the theft, but the implications were clear. His father was being accused of embezzlement on a massive scale, and their family name was being dragged through the mud with no more proof than inconvenient timing.

 

The worst part had come later, when he had read the news article in greater detail. Apparently, the theft had come to light only because of the investigations of the company’s new co-Executives: Cataline Cousland and Theadosia Trevelyan. He wasn’t certain when the two women had taken over the family business; he’d honestly assumed that Bryce and Eleanor would never retire, but that was irrelevant now. The two women he had trusted most in the world had thrown his family to the wolves.

 

 _Did they, though?_ A small voice in the back of his mind nagged at him. _Did you give them any reason to reach out to you? To try?_

 

He slammed his palm against the steering wheel in frustration. They should have tried. Did they ever stop to think about what the long ranging implications of their actions would be? Neither one of them had ever liked the eldest Howe, and while he would freely admit that Rendon was a difficult person to like, the man was still his father. And what about Delilah? Had her life been turned upside down as well? Cat and Thea could at least have done them the courtesy of warning them about what was coming.

 

Now, it didn’t matter. His family name was in tatters, and with his father missing it was just him and Delilah left. He’d had to come home, to try and salvage what he could of their life, and to try and find their father. If he could find Rendon, maybe they could clear up this whole mess. He was still having a difficult time believing that his father was responsible for the embezzlement. Not that Nathaniel had ever believed Rendon was a saint, but at his core he had still been a good man.

 

He had to have been. Otherwise, why had Nathaniel worked so hard for his approval?

 

His phone’s GPS directed him into the city proper. It was odd, but even after all this time he still mostly remembered the layout of the streets and buildings. There were some new additions, of course, and some had faded out of existence, but for the most part it was exactly as it had been in his memory. The route took him out of the city and into the countryside, where Anders lived with his partner, Ravenna Hawke.

 

The Hawke mansion was an imposing edifice. From what Anders told him, Ravenna had inherited the behemoth after her mother had died, and it had passed to her and her sister Bethany as the last of the Amell line. Nathaniel pulled into the carport and grabbed his duffel bag from the back seat. As he approached the front door, he was greeted by three cats and a tall, lean, blond man who met him with an enthusiastic embrace.

 

“Nate! Welcome back to Denerim,” Anders grinned. “How was the drive?”

 

“It was tolerable,” Nathaniel replied evenly, following his old friend inside. “I appreciate you putting me up, Anders. I hope Ravenna was ok with it?”

 

“If she wasn’t, you would not be here,” a cool voice came from the sitting room, where a striking woman with hair as black as a raven’s wing and brilliant teal eyes stood and looked him over. “Anders told me you were an old friend from graduate school. He spoke quite highly of you, and so you are welcome in our home.” She spoke the words with civility, but her smile did not quite reach her eyes. He suspected that she had read the same news articles he had, and assumed the worst.

 

“I appreciate it.” He nodded in her direction before Anders directed him upstairs. His friend ushered him into a guest bedroom.

 

“Bathroom is through that door there. Firewood is stacked downstairs, but honestly, it’s been warm enough we haven’t had much need for fires recently. Laundry room is in the basement. The dryer is a bit tricky; you have to turn the timer just _past_ the time you want, then back to the correct time, otherwise it goes off too soon. If you want to throw your stuff in the dresser, we can go out and grab a quick drink and catch up.”

 

“I don’t know,” Nathaniel demurred, “it was a long drive.”

 

“Oh, come on, it’ll be good for you. Besides, based on what you told me, if anyone needs a drink it’s you. That, and I think I _may_ know something that will cheer you up.”

 

He sighed in resignation. “Ok. Just let me unpack quick. Where are you taking me, exactly?”

 

“Newer place,” Anders called back over his shoulder. “The Hanged Man.”


	3. Create an Oasis

Create an Oasis

 

_Sleep has left me alone_  
To carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong  
It's all I can do to hang on  
To keep me from falling  
Into old familiar shoes.

-“Stupid” by Sarah McLachlan

 

* * *

Cataline sank into her bathwater, allowing it to cover her completely. She remained there, unmoving and holding her breath until her lungs burned, forcing her to return reluctantly to the surface. These days, she occasionally had to face down the possibility of death simply to remind herself that she was still alive. She _was still alive_ , while so many others around her were not.

 

It had been nearly a year since her parents had been murdered in what the police had initially labeled a mugging gone wrong. Chief Inspector Cassandra Pentaghast had vehemently disagreed, and it was at her insistence that the case had been kept open long after it probably should have been left to gather dust in the cold case files. Fergus had refused to deal with it any more than he already had. “They’re still dead,” he’d snapped with uncharacteristic harshness when she had brought it up. “Pretending that there was some rhyme or reason to it isn’t going to make it any better, and it’s not going to bring them back.”

 

She couldn’t fault her brother for feeling the way he did. Void, some days she felt it too. Had it not been for the support of her cousin, Theadosia, she probably would have given up months ago. Thea had stepped up a great deal in the months following the deaths of Bryce and Eleanor, even though Cat knew their deaths had hit the younger woman just as hard. Her parents had taken in Thea after the girl had suffered for years under the emotional neglect and indifference of Eleanor’s sister and her husband. For most of her childhood, they were the only parents Thea had known. Perhaps that is why it had been so difficult for Thea to give up on any sort of hope of finding justice for their murders.

 

The shock of losing her parents had been bad enough, but then there had been the reading of the will. It was always understood that everything would be split evenly between Cataline and Fergus, with some personal items set aside for Thea, who had already inherited half of the Trevelyan fortune when her natural parents had died and left everything to Margot. Margot, who had always been far kinder to her sister than their parents had, had promptly turned around and split everything with her sister, right down the middle. Cat, Thea, and Fergus had all been present on that warm summer day when the Cousland will was unsealed and it was announced that the Cousland half of the company was being ceded to the three of them.

 

Fergus had opted out almost immediately. He’d never been involved with the family business; never really wanted to be. He sold his shares to Cat and Thea. For a while, Cataline was briefly tempted to do the same. If she were to leave, the company would still be in the family, technically, as Margot and Thea would maintain majority control even if Cat sold off her shares elsewhere, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. For one thing, it would have absolutely destroyed Thea. Despite her cousin’s outward confidence, Cat knew how fragile she still was. Her husband, Cullen, had done wonders for her temper, but she still harbored deep fears of abandonment, and Cataline leaving the company may be just one bridge too far.

 

For another thing, Cataline actually loved her job. Before her parents had died, she had been the vice president in charge of the Ferelden operations, while Thea had held the same position over their international holdings in Orlais and Antiva, since she actually spoke the languages required. Rendon Howe had been their vice president of internal affairs, and that, of course, was where all the trouble started.

 

Now, her family was shattered just as surely as Howe’s had been. Thea had told her later that Delilah had been the only one to show up to Bryce and Eleanor’s funeral, and while she wasn’t surprised, Cat couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed. Rendon had been one of her father’s closest friends, or so she had thought. The entire Cousland family (plus Thea) had attended the lavish service for Thomas, and they were some of few who had tactfully ignored the stark difference between the funerals held for Eliane and the youngest Howe. From what Cat understood, Nathaniel had attended neither.

 

Cataline drained the tub and stepped onto the bath mat before reaching for her towel. Out of habit, she reached up to ensure she was still wearing the pendant that Thea had given her the week after her parents had been buried: a small golden arrow on a simple chain. When Cataline had questioned the gesture, Thea had just given her the standard half smile and replied, “to remember, I suppose.”

 

She took a deep breath, allowing the pendant to settle back against her chest. Cat never took the necklace off. The problem had never been that she couldn’t remember.

 

The problem was that she couldn’t forget.

 

Nathaniel had been lying that morning ten years ago when he had told her he would come back. She had known it then, even though she had not challenged him on it. And she had never told him that the whole reason she had run out of her own dorm room still in her pajamas was because she had finally worked up the courage to tell him how she felt. To tell him she loved him. When she’d realized he was leaving, though, she couldn’t help but think that it would be selfish to burden him with her feelings when he still had to bear so much. That, and the fear her admission would not be reciprocated, had stayed her tongue.

 

Cataline stepped into her bedroom, toweling off her long ginger hair. She idly wondered if Nate had kept his own hair long. Cat had absolutely loved it: he’d worn it shoulder length, with the sides pulled back away from his face so that she’d always been able to read the expression in his eyes. It had also driven his father up the wall, which she couldn’t help but see as a plus.

 

She wasn’t certain why she’d been thinking about him so much of late. _Granted_ , she chided herself, _you never really stopped, did you?_ It had been ten years since he had left, and easily nine years since his correspondence had simply faded away. Now, she was left only with her memories and the worn leather jacket that she still occasionally pulled out of the depths of her closet, taking a deep breath to inhale the rich scents of the material and of everything she remembered about Nathaniel.

 

It couldn’t be healthy, living in the past as deeply as she did, but Cataline simply could no longer be bothered to care. The Maker had done his damned best to take everything else away from her, but she could still cling to this. She had spent her whole life being the responsible one, the level-headed one, the planner, the problem-solver. Now, everything had been turned on its head.

 

And Cataline Cousland had never felt quite so lost.

 

She was shaken from her reveries by the insistent vibrations of her phone against the hardwood of her bedside table. Glancing at the caller ID, she answered.

 

“Hey, Thea.”

 

“Hey Catkin, are you free for lunch? I want to go over some of the details of the charity auction next month.”

 

Cat consulted her planner. She had hoped to take the rest of the day for herself, but with the way her thoughts were drifting, maybe it would be better to get out of the apartment for a bit.

 

“Sure, Teddy girl. Where do you want to go?”

 

“How about The Herald’s Rest? I’ve only had three cups of coffee this morning, and they make the best.”

 

“Thea!”

 

“What?” Cat could practically hear her cousin rolling her eyes on the other end of the line. “Oh, fine. Tea, then?”

 

“Tea. I’ll see you in an hour.”

 

* * *

 

 

Cat glanced at the spreadsheets Thea had brought with her without really seeing them. Thea had compromised with her and elected for a chai tea which, while caffeinated, was a far cry from the double shot espressos she knew the woman had been downing all morning. She would have been happier if Thea had also agreed to eat something, but that was a battle for another time.

 

Thea had taken on her new responsibilities at S&S with alacrity, which was no small relief to Cataline. Despite being the younger cousin, Thea seemed to be a born leader, and had willingly stepped into the spotlight as the public face of the company while Cat did her best work behind the scenes, nudging at times and shoving at others, setting events in motion that even made her dizzy to think about. Thea still largely ran the international interests, but had also taken on the oversight of the company’s public outreach programs and investment portfolios. Thea’s older sister, Margot, maintained control of the company’s interests in the Free Marches, but everything south of the Waking Sea was under Cat and Thea.

 

“Cat?”

 

She refocused her attention, suddenly aware that Thea had been speaking for several minutes and Cataline had no idea what she had said.

 

“Sorry Thea. I’ve been a bit distracted today.”

 

Thea’s brow furrowed in concern. “Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Cat laughed quietly. Although she was the youngest, Thea had always been fiercely protective of Cataline, even when she didn’t necessarily need her cousin’s intervention. “I’m ok, Thea. Just… thinking. Do you remember the spring holiday you turned, what was it, nine? I think?”

 

Thea thought for a moment, then grinned. “You mean the spring holiday where I decked Tommy Howe on the nose and made him bleed?”

 

“That’s the one,” Cataline giggled. Thea was obviously still not only utterly unrepentant, but outright proud.

 

“I admit, that was one of my finer moments.” Thea leaned back in her chair, her storm blue eyes looking off somewhere in the distance. When she spoke again, her tone was quieter. “And then you, Nate, and Lilah covered for me. Told Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Bryce that Tommy had fallen and that I’d been playing in the woods the entire time.”

 

“Well, Nate and Lilah covered for you,” Cat corrected. “I merely corroborated their stories. And that night, mom called us both into her room and told us she was signing us up for self-defense classes as soon as spring holiday was over.”

 

“That’s right, and then Uncle Bryce gave me an extra scoop of ice cream in my bowl that evening after dinner. I’m still not exactly sure how I got away with it, other than your parents agreed with my assessment that the boy deserved far worse than what I gave him.”

 

“I think we _all_ agreed, except for maybe Rendon.” Cat’s tone was dry. She had never explicitly wished harm on Thomas Howe, but nor had she been terribly surprised when he had died the way he had.

 

Both women were quiet for a moment, lost in their own memories. Thea looked up at her, and even before she opened her mouth Cat could tell by the unique blend of anger and pain in her eyes what she was going to ask.

 

“You’ve been thinking about _him_ , haven’t you?”

 

There was no point in lying. Thea would know, one way or another. “Yes. More so since mom and dad died.”

 

“I could probably find him, you know,” Thea offered, the offer hesitant. It was the first time since he had left that she had made any suggestion to the effect, and Cataline wasn’t sure what to make of it. “I have contacts all over Thedas, including our shared personal friendship with the head of the Fereldan Intelligence Service. And you know Varric would look into it for me, if I asked, given how often I perform at that bar of his.”

 

“Thea,” Cat’s voice was heavy with regret, “I don’t think he wants to be found. It’s not our place to try and drag him back. He’s an adult, and he probably has a whole life now that has nothing to do with what he left behind. Including us.” She paused, then asked, “do you miss him?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you lying to me?”

 

“Yes,” Thea sighed. “He should never have left.” Her expression was now set in a stubborn frown, and for a moment Cataline saw the tenacious little girl that her cousin had been all those years ago. While Thea’s pain at Nathaniel’s disappearance had been different from Cat’s own, she had never doubted that it had still been sharp, and she doubted even more that time had done much to dull the sheer rage in Thea’s heart.

 

“We’ve been over this, Teddy girl. We both know he had to leave, before that family of his completely killed his spirit. He deserved better than that.”

 

Thea looked down at her tea, and Cataline tactfully looked away long enough for her cousin to angrily wipe away the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry, Catkin. I know it must have been worse for you, given how-”

 

“It’s done,” Cat replied firmly. “Besides, after everything that’s happened, I’m almost glad he’s not here. He shouldn’t have to deal with this fallout.”

 

“ _Almost_ glad, huh?”

 

Cat smiled faintly, the familiar ache in her heart rising to the surface once more.

 

“Yes, Theadosia. _Almost_.”

 

 

 

 


	4. Just Like a Wolf

_Oh you look just like a wolf my dear_   
_Though you’re wearing clever clothes_   
_What great shiny teeth you have, what a hairy nose_   
_And a million things are telling me I should not let you in_   
_You’ve got a nasty glint in your eyes_   
_You’ve got saliva on your chin._

-“Chateau” by The Brute Chorus

 

* * *

 

The bar Anders and Ven drove him to appeared fairly new, at least from the outside. On the inside, however, it had the well-worn, comfortable patina of a classic dive bar, complete with dilapidated couches and beat up coffee tables set up in front of a stage where an attractive redhead was performing. Something about the singer seemed vaguely familiar, but Nathaniel couldn’t quite place it. Instead, he followed Anders to the bar where Ravenna stepped easily behind the counter and started mixing drinks.

“Ven and Varric own the place,” Anders explained, nodding in the direction of a dwarf with an inordinate amount of chest hair on display. “I know it may not look like much, but this is actually the most popular night spot in the city.”

“Aw, thanks for the ringing endorsement, Blondie,” the other bartender approached them with a charming grin and offered a hand to Nathaniel. “Name’s Varric Tethras. Businessman, bartender, and occasional storyteller. Welcome back to Denerim, Mr. Howe.”

“Just Nathaniel,” he corrected, accepting a shot of whiskey, “or Nate. And how did you know who I was?”

“Blondie mentioned he had a friend coming in from out of town. As for the name? Simple deduction. You and your sister look a great deal alike, and I know that you’re the last Howe male left, so…”

“Wait, Delilah comes in _here_?” Nathaniel asked, incredulous. He had difficulty imagining his quiet, sweet-natured sister frequenting a bar. Or at least, maybe _this_ bar.

For some reason, this made Varric laugh. “Oh yeah, about once a month for the past year or so. I saw her a couple of weeks ago, so she probably won’t be back tonight, but I’m sure you’ll see her before then.”

“Yes,” Nathaniel muttered, “probably.” He still hadn’t actually told his sister he was coming back to town. He hadn’t told _anyone_ , except for Anders and, by extension, Ven. Now, he wasn’t exactly certain how to break the news. After all, for all intents and purposes he had dropped off the face of Thedas and had been a virtual non-entity for the past ten years. It wasn’t like he could just drop back into his old life, even if he had wanted to.

And he decidedly did _not_ want to.

Nathaniel turned on his barstool and looked back towards the stage. There was still the same nagging familiarity about the sultry woman who even now commanded the attention of every man, and some of the women, in the bar, but between the stage lighting and the impeccable makeup, he still couldn’t quite place her. He could understand her appeal, he supposed: she had a beautiful voice that had obviously enjoyed the benefits of classical training, even if she was now using it to sing the rough melodies of popular music. Her hands traced the not unattractive curves of her body, and her shoulders and hips rose and fell easily with the beat.

_“Well they say you must possess me… want my body, and my soul… consume me entirely, yes you want to take me home. And you want to come and live with me, in the walls of my chateau. And I’ll never need no neighbors, no, at least none that I know.”_

She was definitely talented, but Nathaniel had picked up on something that he suspected no one else in the room had. Though the singer was adept at working the room, her attention was really only focused on a single person: a tall, well built blond man sitting in an armchair just to the left of center stage. His golden eyes never left her, but his gaze was more appreciative than hungry, and Nathaniel suspected that it was because the man in the armchair already knew he would be going home with the woman on stage. A boyfriend, perhaps, or even a husband. In any case, the rest of the bar was doomed to disappointment, he had no doubt.

“She’s good, isn’t she?” Varric asked, leaning against the bar and passing Anders his drink. “That woman is responsible for at least sixty percent of my weekend business. Wish I could bottle essence of her and sell it.”

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. “And your devoted patrons know that they don’t have a snowball’s chance in the void with her?”

This made the bartender chuckle. “Oh yeah, yeah. Doesn’t stop them from wanting to watch though, does it? And she loves it. This is a hobby for her, not a job. But no, after the last incident, my regulars are smart enough to look, but not touch.”

“Dare I ask what the last incident was?”

Varric grabbed a rag and started wiping down an invisible stain so that he could lean in conspiratorially. “Guy got a _little_ too handsy and didn’t respond well to the word ‘no.’ Cullen,” he pointed at the man with the amber eyes, “took offense at the man pawing at his wife, and suggested they step outside. Never saw the other guy ever again, and Curly and I learned that club soda isn’t as great for removing blood stains as the internet says.”

“Hm,” Nathaniel took a sip of his drink. “I figured he was either a husband or a boyfriend. He… he obviously adores her.”

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice, good sir?”

Now it was Nathaniel’s turn to laugh drily. “I admit, I envy what they have. The last time a woman looked at me like that…” His voice trailed off, his thoughts drifting to the one place he knew he shouldn’t let them.

Varric nodded with quiet understanding. “Yeah, I get that.”

A moment of solidarity passed between the two men. Then, curiosity got the better of him.

“So, do you give everyone a nickname?”

“Everyone I like,” Varric flashed him a quick grin. “Give it time, you may be bestowed with one too. In the meantime, here,” he passed Nathaniel a second shot. “They’re on the house tonight.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” the dwarf tossed his head in the singer’s direction. “Blondie seems intent on taking you to talk to Teddy Girl, and I’ve got a feeling you’re going to need the extra liquid courage.

_Teddy Girl._

_Teddy._

Memories flooded into his mind, and he remembered a sullen little girl with auburn hair and defiant eyes that had softened ever so briefly when he had given her a stuffed bear. _A stuffed bear that she had named Teddy_. It had been the start of a friendship that he had treasured for years before he had left, and before his trust in her had been shattered. His eyes drifted back to the stage where the singer was finishing her set. Mentally, he deconstructed her carefully assembled stage persona, imagining her without the makeup, and in jeans and a sweater instead of a corseted dress, and without the perfectly styled hair.

Any doubts he may have had as to her identity vanished as she carefully stepped off the stage into the arms of the man who had been watching her, and he saw that she was still stubbornly refusing to wear shoes.

_Theadosia_.

Nathaniel felt anger bubbling up in his chest, and for a moment, he wasn’t certain he would be able to confront her without completely losing his temper in public, which would not be ideal. Thea had a temper of her own, and was far more likely to deck him if he upset her. But when Anders tapped his shoulder and indicated with a smile and a pointed finger that he wanted to take him over he followed, almost in a daze, trying to find the words he wanted to say.

Anders reached her first, and she greeted him with the same half smile she had always favored and an affectionate kiss on the cheek. She spoke a few quiet words to him that Nathaniel couldn’t quite hear over the dull roar of the house music, and then Anders said something before pointing back towards Nathaniel. It was then that Thea’s eyes met his, and she _actually_ smiled. He’d almost forgotten what a rare thing her real smiles were, and for a moment, he also almost forgot why he was so angry with her.

She stepped away from her husband, her hesitant tread a sharp contrast to the confidence and sexuality she had exuded on stage. Thea reached a tentative hand out towards him, but then withdrew it almost as quickly as it had been offered. “Void take me,” she murmured, “it really is you. I thought… I couldn’t believe… Nathaniel. You’ve come home.”

“This is hardly home anymore, Theadosia,” he replied coldly, not bothering to keep the bitterness out of his voice. She tilted her head in question, confusion clouding over the joy that had brightened her eyes moments before.

“You have some nerve,” he continued, his words coming more easily now that he had started, “acting as though my homecoming is something to celebrate. You were eager enough to sacrifice my father to the wolves in order to seize control of Seawolf and Steed, weren’t you?”

Her eyes hardened, a storm rising in her expression as her body settled into a defensive stance, her fingers instinctively curling into fists. “Nathaniel, that’s not- you don’t understand.”

“I understand plenty. You never liked my father, and you saw a chance to destroy him and you took it. Did you ever once think about what it would do to me and Delilah? Did you think about the consequences of dragging our family’s name through the mire?” He glared at her, daring her to answer, to justify her actions, to give him _some_ reason to believe she was still the friend he had left behind all those years ago. “Do you really think this is what Bryce and Eleanor want for the company?”

“Well I guess we’ll never fucking know, will we?” Thea shot back, and Nathaniel could practically feel the heat of her temper rising. “As they’re both dead. Which you would have _fucking known_ if you hadn’t abandoned us! _You left_ without a damn word. Do you have any idea what that did to me? What it did to _Cataline?_ Did you even fucking care? You have no right to come in here and attack me, Nathaniel Howe. You forfeited that when you walked out of our lives and disappeared without so much as saying goodbye. You have _no. Damn. Right_.”

_Dead?_ Nathaniel had not heard about that. And his heart seized up when he heard Cat’s name. Did that change anything? No… it was too late to stop now…

“You betrayed me, Theadosia Trevelyan. You and Cataline both. You could have at least warned me, or Delilah, or done _something_ to protect her from the absolute shitshow we’ve ended up in.”

“I…” Thea paused, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Nathaniel noticed that, at some point during their argument, Cullen had stepped up beside his wife and was now staring him dead in the eye, a dangerous fire burning in his gaze. He took a step forward, but Thea held up a single delicate hand and her husband stopped in his tracks. When she opened her eyes, Nathaniel was not certain if he was relieved or saddened to see the spark had gone out of them. As she spoke again, her voice was barely above a whisper, and she refused to look him in the eye. “I suppose that is fair, Nate. Anders.” She turned her iron gaze towards their mutual friend who had been almost forgotten in the chaos. “A word.” It was a command, not a request, and Anders went to her side obediently.

With that, she turned away from him, her posture still held with graceful poise even though Nathaniel could see that she was shaking, either with grief or rage. She collected a pair of well-worn flip flops from the floor by the stage before she turned and looked at him once more, her head held high and her gaze hard.

“Welcome home, Nathaniel,” she said, and he could almost swear that her tone held a hint of sorrow. Then she stepped away, his dismissal evident.

With a deep sigh, he retreated back to the bar, where Varric had already poured him a third drink. Normally, Nathaniel would have stopped at two, but Ven was driving, and after the night he’d had he felt like he deserved one more.

“Well, that went better than I though it would,” Varric shrugged pragmatically.

Nathaniel looked at him with skepticism. “You knew I was going to berate your star attraction?”

“I knew shit was going to go down,” Varric corrected him with a chuckle. “She doesn’t talk about you much, but I’ve been able to piece together a little bit. How much damage you did remains to be seen. Teddy Girl is tougher than she looks. She’s been through trial by fire more than once, and quite frankly, I think she’s faced down worse at her day job. Then again, rumor has it you _were_ her best friend before you up and disappeared, so who knows how that will shake out.”

“Alright, since you seem to know everything else, I have to ask,” Nathaniel retorted with exasperation, “how did she get _her_ nickname?”

Varric smiled mysteriously. “Oh no, that one you’ll have to ask her. She holds that story close to her heart, and it’s not my place to breach that trust. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion you already know the answer.”

Nathaniel exhaled in frustration, but Varric just chuckled and moved to take an order down at the other end of the bar.

As he sat and waited, he couldn’t help but look back over to where Anders was speaking in hushed tones with Theadosia, and he felt slightly guilty that his friend was probably having to endure the tongue lashing that should have been his by rights. He wondered how the two of them had met. _Small world, I suppose_. To his great surprise, however, Thea didn’t seem to be raising her voice. Apparently her temper had been brought into check over the last decade. In fact, at the end of their conversation, she reached up and placed a gentle hand on Anders’s cheek, gave him one final admonition with a sad shake of her head, then sent him back to the bar before disappearing backstage with her husband and a tall, dark haired man who looked to be of Tevene heritage. Anders shuffled back to the bar and signaled for another drink. He didn’t say anything at first, and eventually Nathaniel’s curiosity got the better of him.

“…so?”

Anders threw back his drink in a single swallow and immediately looked to Varric for a new one. “So… it seems I owe you an apology. And an explanation.” He set his empty glass down and met Nathaniel’s eyes.

“Honestly, Nate. I thought you knew.”

 

 


	5. Let Me Slip Away

_Carefree highway, let me slip away on you_  
_Carefree highway, you’ve seen better days_  
_The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes_  
_Carefree highway, let me slip away_  
_Slip away on you._

 -“Carefree Highway” by Gordon Lightfoot

 

* * *

“What happened last night, Cullen?”

Cat was in the kitchen of the home Thea and Cullen shared in the country, helping her cousin-in-law prepare the mint tea Thea favored in the summer and trying to glean some explanation as to why the younger woman not only hadn’t texted her after her show the previous night like she normally did, but had barely said a word all morning. When she’d arrived at the house, Thea had answered the door with dark moons under her eyes, and it had been obvious she’d been crying the better part of the night. Dorian Pavus, one of her closest and dearest friends (and distant cousin on the Trevelyan side, if Cat remembered correctly), was also there despite the early hour, which meant something serious had gone down. At the moment, he was on the back porch with Thea, speaking in quiet tones and wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders. These clues, paired with the shattered plates Cat had spied in the trash bin when she arrived, suggested that Thea had not had a good night.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, staring out the kitchen window to where their property sloped down along the bank of the Hafter River to the Amaranthine Sea. “Cat, I just can’t. You will have to trust me on this. Suffice it to say that Thea had to deal with something she was not expecting, and it did not go well. At all. She will bounce back; you know how she is, but I think right now she is just trying to process before she can really talk about it. She has been under a lot of strain recently. You both have and, if I may be blunt, neither of you have been allowing yourselves to deal with your feelings.”

“I have been managing just fine, Cullen, but I appreciate your concern,” Cat placed a grateful hand on his shoulder and smiled up at him. He shook his head with obvious skepticism, but managed to give her a small smile in return before putting the tea things on a tray and joining his wife and their friend on the porch. Cataline followed, worry rising in her chest again when she saw how bad of shape Thea was still in.

Thea must have noticed her staring, because she managed a weak half smile when Cat sat beside her on the porch swing. She curled up next to her and rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m ok, Catkin, I promise. I’m just not used to being thrown for a loop anymore, and I am handling it with less grace than would be ideal.”

“Less grace? Thea, you look like you’ve been hit by a rampaging bronto,” Cat snorted.

“Oh well now you’re just being insulting,” Thea poked at her side, but Cat was glad to see that at least her spirit seemed to be recovering slightly.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened?”

Dorian and Cullen exchanged a glance. “You know, Thea,” their friend stood and brushed imaginary lint from his clothing, “I believe I promised Cullen I would help him look for that book you have on Imperium history that he was considering reading. You know, the one that _isn’t_ a load of trite propaganda.” Dorian stood and Cullen followed, giving his wife a brief kiss on the forehead before trailing the other man back into the house.

Cataline looked to Thea, but her cousin was now refusing to meet her eyes. She took a long sip of her tea. Cat said nothing, allowing Thea to process her thoughts and come to her own conclusions. She was nothing if not patient.

“Cat, I’m not ready to talk about it quite yet. I have a feeling, I am _praying_ , that this isn’t over, and that there is still a chance that things may shake out differently than they are right now. Give me three days. I realize I am asking you to stretch your faith in me to the breaking point, but I just need you to trust me on this.” Thea finally looked up at her, and there was so much uncertainty in her expression that Cat didn’t have the heart to press the matter.

“Ok, Thea,” she wrapped her in a hug. “Three days. But then we are definitely going to have a talk.”

“Deal.” Thea tucked her legs up under her and settled back against the seat. “I will tell you that Captain Hendyr and Inspector Pentaghast called me yesterday.”

Cat felt her heart freeze. “Oh?”

Thea nodded. “They haven’t given up, Cat. I know you think I’m crazy, but they agree with me that your parents didn’t die in a random mugging. There was something deliberate behind it, and they think they may have a new lead they want to follow up on. I said I would talk to you first.”

Now it was Cat’s turn to look away. They rarely talked about what happened that night. Stories about their childhood, or treasured memories of Bryce and Eleanor, but almost never that awful night when Cat’s world had been yanked out from under her feet. Even now, she wasn’t certain if she really wanted to keep digging a hole for which there seemed to be no end. She often wondered if it would be better to take the same tact as Fergus, and just accept that her parents were gone and allow herself the grief and eventual healing that came with that acceptance.

“You would continue to be my go-between?”

Thea nodded. “Of course, Cat. And you know that if you want me to drop this, I will.”

Cat shook her head. “No… no, I’m not quite ready to give up yet. Maybe I should, but- I guess I still have some faint glimmer of hope that I may see justice for them.”

“Ok,” Thea took her hand and gave it a small squeeze, allowing the subject to drop.

They sat in companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Then, out of the blue, Thea looked at her intently and asked, “Cat? Have you gone out with anyone recently?”

Cat nearly spit out her tea, and it took her a moment to manage to swallow without aspirating. “Where in the void did that come from?”

Her cousin shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess… I guess I was just thinking this morning about how lucky I was to have Cullen. I love that man with every fiber of my being, and he is constantly surprising me with how well he knows me and how he cares for me. He’s made this whole mess easier, especially after last night.” Thea looked down at her now empty mug. “I would never presume to say you need a significant other to be happy or complete. I daresay you are a perfectly complete and completely perfect person all on your own. But- fuck. I don’t know, Cat. I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

“Thea,” Cat replied softly, “I… no. It’s been several years since I dated anyone. You know it never tends to end well.”

“I know,” Thea nodded sadly. “Because of Nathaniel.”

Cat pinched the bridge of her nose and took a breath. “Yeah, Thea. Because of Nathaniel. I guess I never got over him. I never got over the regret of not telling him how I felt when I had the chance, because I felt like it would be selfish. And now I feel like an idiot for living in the past when all it’s doing is bringing me pain. Maybe,” she looked at Thea, who was now watching her carefully, “maybe it’s time to just let it go.”

The younger woman looked down at her feet, and Cat knew her well enough to know that there was some sort of internal battle being raged in her cousin’s mind. Theadosia was one of the most intelligent people she knew, and she rarely did or said things without a reason, even if that reason wasn’t readily apparent to anyone else in the room. Without warning, she popped up off of the swing, nearly sending Cataline tumbling to the ground, and bounded off the porch steps.

“Let’s go down to the beach.”

“What?”

Thea shrugged. “I want to go build a sand castle. Let’s go down to the beach.”

Cat couldn’t help but laugh. “Teddy, you are twenty-nine years old, and you want to just run off to the beach so you can build a sand castle.”

“Um… yes?”

“You’re just trying to change the subject,” Cat giggled with a feigned look of exasperation, “but I’ll allow it.”

Thea grinned, then darted off down the sloping lawn to where it met beach grass, and then down to the sandy shore of the sea. Cataline followed, but her mind was elsewhere.

What exactly had happened to Thea last night?

 

* * *

 

_To: Nathaniel_   
_From: Cataline_   
_Subject: no subject_

_Hey, Nate-_

_I’ve always been terrible about thinking of subject lines for these things. What am I supposed to say? Hello from the past? It’s been ten years and I’m still thinking about you? Yes, it sounds insane to me as well. I am not even certain if this email address is still valid, and I am also not certain if I hope it is or if this would be better off sent into the faceless void of whatever passes for a dead letter office on the internet._

_Anyways. This is probably a mistake, writing to you out of the blue like this. For all I know, you’re married by now, with a family and a life that is conveniently devoid of the memories I still carry. That I can’t let go of. I guess that is what I wanted to say: I’ve been thinking about you a lot, of late. Well, I suppose I never really stopped. (That sounded far less pathetic in my head than it does now that I’ve typed it out.)._

_I meant to tell you, that day you left. I wanted to say all the things I had been keeping locked up for years, but when I saw you there, already prepared to go and leave all of this behind… I just couldn’t. I wasn’t lying when I said I understood why you had to leave, but damn me if I liked it. I considered following after you, but that seemed crazy even by the standards of my family (remember: I’m related to Thea)._

_But the truth is… I love you. I love you, Nathaniel Howe, and I always have from the first moment I met you. I love you._

_And I wish I had told you._

* * *

Cataline stared at her computer screen. The email she had composed that afternoon after leaving Thea’s house was similar to a hundred others that she had written since he had left, and half again as many letters. None of them had been sent to their intended recipient, and she could no longer try to pretend that the practice was therapeutic or helpful in any way. It had been several years since she had written one, though. She thought that maybe she had been making progress; that maybe enough time had passed that she could finally move on. And she strongly suspected that Nathaniel did not spend nearly as much time thinking about her as she had about him.

She clicked the X on the upper right hand corner of the email.

_Would you like to save a copy of this draft?_

With a sigh, Cat clicked ‘no.’ And just like that, it was gone. It was for the best. She stood up from her computer and stretched, idly considering unpacking one of the boxes that still lay scattered around the apartment. Eventually, she would have to do something about them, but she was still having a hard time thinking of this place as home. Thea and Cullen had offered her space in their house, but it just wasn’t the same as having a place she could call her own.

Cat glanced at the clock. 6:30. Too early on a summer Saturday to give up on being productive. She knew Ravenna would be working at The Hanged Man, and maybe she could call Thea back up, or Delilah, see if they wanted to go out. It would be good to do something that would force her to get outside of her own head. Her train of thought was interrupted by the cheerful chirp of her phone informing her she had a text.

_T: Hey Cat, can you do me a huge huge huge HUGE favor?_

_C: That depends. :P Last time I agreed to help you, we narrowly avoided an international incident with Nevarra._

_T: Oh ha ha. Listen, I’m still not feeling great, and Cullen thinks I should take the night off from the bar. For once, I’m inclined to agree, but I hate leaving Varric in a pinch like this. Any chance you could cover for me?_

_C: Thea, it’s been months. I’m beyond rusty._

_T: Cat, you know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. Please? I promise I’ll make it up to you._

Cat exhaled deeply. She hadn’t sung on stage since before her parents had died, and to say that she was rusty was in fact the understatement of the age. That, and Thea was usually in the audience when she sang, offering moral support. Still, she _had_ been wanting to get out…

_C: I’m probably going to regret this, but… alright._

_T: Oh, I don’t know. I have a feeling you won’t._


	6. Not for Sympathy

_Take me home, to a house on a hill in Oblivion_   
_Where souls never die all alone_   
_You’re longing for love, not for sympathy_   
_So take away the shadow over me._   
_  
_

-“House on a Hill” by Kamelot feat. Simone Simons

 

* * *

“So, I get the feeling you’ve only heard half the story,” Anders leaned back against the bar, sipping his drink and obviously trying to gather his thoughts.

“And what exactly did I get wrong, Anders?” Nathaniel shot back. He was still slightly shaken from confronting Thea, which had not gone at all as he thought it would. Instead, it had left him with doubt, which was much harder to deal with than the certainty his anger had provided him. He had not counted on feeling so guilty at the hurt and anger that had flashed across her eyes, nor on the relentless ache that had crept into his heart ever since he had heard Cataline’s name.

The other man rubbed his forehead as if he were trying to ward off a headache. “This is going to take some explaining.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“True enough,” Anders shrugged. “Alright. Almost a year ago, Bryce and Eleanor Cousland were murdered. The official story, at least for now, is that it was a random mugging that went south.”

“Thea said that… that they had died,” Nathaniel admitted. “I did not realize they had been murdered.”

“It was an ugly business. Void, it still is. Cat and Thea were devastated, as I am sure you can imagine. Things got more complicated, though, when the will was read. Cousland control of the company went to Cat, Thea, and Fergus. Fergus bailed, of course, so now that left Thea, Thea’s sister Margot up north, and Cat in charge of the entire enterprise. And I am going to be blunt here: your father was not happy.”

Nathaniel glared in his friend’s direction. “Why should he be? He gave more years of his life to that company than anyone else, and then he was passed over. Again.”

Anders pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed a heavy sigh. “Do you want to hear the rest of the story, or not?”

He settled back in his seat. “Fine.”

“Two weeks after the murders, not even a week after the funeral service, your father disappears without a trace. Cataline was absolutely frantic: she was afraid that whoever had killed her parents had gone after your father as well. As much as they may have often disagreed, she… she knew that the relationship between you and your father was complicated, Nate. Even after the way he treated you, and everything that happened, she didn’t want you to have to deal with Rendon’s death. She eventually wore Thea down and convinced her to help start going over all of the company’s records and emails for anything that may indicate what happened, or where he had gone, or if someone may have been threatening him.”

“You mean,” Nathaniel stared into the bottom of his empty glass, “they were trying to protect us? To protect _him_? They _hated_ him.” 

Anders raised his eyebrows. “Cat would argue that ‘hate’ is a strong word, but yes, I believe Thea did. She blamed him for you leaving, for one thing, but I suspect there is more to her antagonism than that. She’s never talked about it much. Anyways, yes. Ultimately, they were doing it for you, and for Delilah. Unfortunately, it turns out your father was being quite naughty with the company’s funds. He hid his trail well, but Thea had reluctantly promised Cat she would do her best to find Rendon, so she hired the best computer forensics analyst money could buy: an old friend of Ravenna’s. What Fenris found was not what neither Cat nor Thea was expecting.”

Nathaniel felt his stomach drop. “So it was true. Dad really was embezzling from the company.”

His friend sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, Nate. He was. Not on a large enough scale that anyone ever noticed, obviously, but he made off with quite a bit. They’re still trying to figure out exactly where the money went after he removed it from the corporate accounts.”

“That still doesn’t explain why they decided to go public without so much as warning me or Delilah. Guilty or not, I would hope that they would at least do us that courtesy.”

“That’s just it, Nathaniel,” Anders spoke quietly, “they weren’t the ones who leaked the story. We still don’t know who did, and it is a bit of a touchy subject with everyone involved. Cat and Thea? They refused to file formal charges. They wrote it off as an ‘acceptable loss’ and decided to just move on and let your father disappear like he apparently wanted to. Their lawyer tried to convince them to file, as did the constabulary, but they stood their ground. Cat said that your family had been through enough, and she wasn’t going to be the one to cause you any more pain. I remember that Thea just shook her head and said that you were damned lucky she was not as vindictive as she was as a child. Have you seriously not even talked to your sister?”

“I have not gotten around to it,” Nathaniel growled.

Anders threw his hands up in exasperation. “Maybe if you had, you’d know that Cat and Thea set their lawyer to _protecting_ your family’s assets so that you and Delilah didn’t lose anything. Normally, when something like this goes down, everything gets either seized or frozen. They made sure that didn’t happen. Void, as far as I know, the three of them still get together for drinks once a month.” Anders ended his narrative and looked at Nathaniel, waiting for his reaction.

It was too much to process. Cat and Thea… they had not been responsible for this mess at all. Even after had had walked out on them, even after he had turned his back on the woman he loved, they had still been desperately trying to do right by him and by Delilah, the only family he had left. Now, he had managed to piss off Thea, which meant there was a damn good chance that Cat would already know he was back and what he had said.

“Alright Anders, you’re so clever,” he sighed in resignation, “any thoughts on how I fix this mess I have made?”

The other man smiled. “As a matter of fact, Nate, I do.” 

* * *

 

The door to Theadosia’s sprawling house in the country stood in front of him, its impassive face mocking him with its utter indifference. Nathaniel had raised his hand to knock three times already, and each time he had allowed it to fall back to his side. Anders had given him directions and wished him the best of luck, but declined to actually accompany him into the lioness’s den. Finally, he took a deep breath and rapped sharply on the door. He was slightly taken aback when the door was opened by a muscular man with an impressive black beard who could have easily passed for a bouncer outside Varric’s bar.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Nathaniel managed when he remembered how to speak. “I think I may have the wrong address.”

The man who had answered the door shook his head. “No, I don’t think you do. I’ll warn you though, that if she ends up as unhappy as she did last night, you’ll probably wish you did.” With a toss of his head, he gestured for Nathaniel to follow him inside. As they entered, he could hear the soft sounds of a man and a woman singing a duet. Unlike the songs Thea had performed the previous night, this was undeniably a love song.

_“Under the starlight, you shine, in solitude.”_ The male voice belonged to the blond man, Cullen, who was standing by the mantle in the living room and absently stroking the silky fur of a sleek black cat whose large green eyes stared at Nathaniel curiously as he entered.

_“Eyes on the ocean and far beyond, west of the moon_. _”_ Thea was sitting on the floor, her hair being carefully woven into a braided crown by a hulking qunari who was seated behind her on the sofa alongside the Tevene man from the previous evening. A young elven woman with straw blonde hair was idly sketching at the window seat that looked out over the front yard with its towering trees and, having successfully delivered him, Nathaniel’s robustly bearded escort returned to sit by the dormant fireplace and worry at the figure he had been carving from a block of maple wood. The odd domestic scene was only interrupted when Thea suddenly protested loudly.

_“DAMN IT BULL, THIS IS NOT A DATE.”_

The qunari chuckled. “If you don’t like me pulling your hair, maybe you shouldn’t squirm around so much under my hands, hm?”

The elf snorted with barely concealed laughter, and even Thea herself smiled slightly. “You did that on purpose, sir. Take a seat anywhere, Nathaniel,” she still did not look in his direction. “I will be done shortly.”

“Er, thank you,” he replied uncertainly. He elected to remain standing slightly apart from the rest of them. The other girl had recovered from her fit of giggles and was looking at him with open curiosity, and Cullen was eyeing him with thinly veiled suspicion, but everyone else seemed to be paying him no mind at all.

“That him, Teddy? The one that Cat-”

“Sera,” Thea interrupted, “why don’t you go see if I still have any of that good Antivan whiskey left or if you drank it all the last time you thought I wasn’t paying attention?”

“Pfft,” Sera laughed, “very subtle. But ok, any excuse to raid your liquor cabinet yeah?” She scampered past Nathaniel, giving him an impish grin as she did so.

Finally, the qunari patted Thea on the back to indicate he was done, and she stood and stretched. In a sharp contrast to her appearance the night before, she was now wearing a simple pair of denim shorts, a cotton camisole in a pretty shade of lavender that set off her hair, and a golden locket that lay against her chest, although he was fairly certain the locket had been there before. The extensive makeup was gone as well, but when in the void had she gotten the tattoos? The slightly awkward nineteen year old he had left behind a decade ago had metamorphosed into a stunning young woman. Pictures from her wedding sat on the mantelpiece, and Nathaniel felt a stab of guilt at the realization that he had missed so much of his best friend’s life.

She approached him, her movements more graceful than he remembered her being. For the first time since he’d arrived, she looked him in the eye, her expression still impassive. He almost wished she would just rage at him and have it over with, but he also knew he didn’t deserve that quick mercy. With a wave of her hand, she ushered him out through the kitchen onto the back porch where she sat on the top step. Nathaniel sat beside her, giving her what he prayed was enough space. Thea’s hand instinctively reached up and toyed with her locket, which at this distance he could see was engraved with a painstakingly etched wyvern that he had the nagging sensation he had seen somewhere before, but he couldn’t quite place it. For a long time, neither said anything, the silence hanging like a shroud between them.

“I talked to Anders.”

“So I gathered,” she replied evenly. “I sincerely hope he apologized to you. It was in poor taste for him to spring me on you without ensuring you understood what has transpired over the past year.”

“He did,” Nathaniel confirmed. “He… he told me about what happened to Bryce and Eleanor. I am sorry.”

Thea sighed, the first hint of emotion she’d displayed since they’d stepped outside. “Yeah. Me too.”

“He also told me that you and Cat were not the ones who leaked the story to the press, and about everything you have done to try to protect Delilah. To protect me.”

“Yep.”

Neither of them said anything for a moment. Finally, he spoke quietly, “thank you, Thea. You are a better friend than I deserve. If I may still have the privilege of calling you such.”

He watched as she stood and crossed her arms, looking out towards the sea. “Come with me,” she said abruptly, turning back towards the house, “I want to show you something.”

They trekked back through the kitchen and up a flight of stairs, passing doors until they reached what Nathaniel assumed must be Thea and Cullen’s bedroom. She swung the door open and stepped inside, then walked over to a bedside table.

There, dressed in an impeccable pair of blue corduroy overalls, was Teddy. The bear looked quite a bit more worn than when Nathaniel had last seen him, but he had obviously been well loved and well cared for, and his clothes were of surprisingly fine make. Thea picked him up and held him to her chest, and Nathaniel’s heart broke when he saw that there were silent tears streaming down her cheeks. Her voice shook slightly when she spoke again.

“Teddy has remained my most steadfast friend and constant companion for twenty years. No matter how shitty everything else got, I always had him. No matter how many people walked out of my life, who decided that I wasn’t good enough, or worth enough, Teddy stayed by my side.” She turned and looked him in the eye, and there was a devastating mix of ferocity and pain in her expression. “And I _never_ forgot the too-serious boy who gave him to me, and who was my best friend for many years before he walked out on me too.”

Nathaniel crossed the room in two long strides and wrapped Thea in a fierce embrace while she sobbed against his chest. “Thea,” he whispered against her hair, “I am sorry I left. But I _never_ decided you were not worth it.”

“Damn it, I know,” she sniffed. “I know it wasn’t about me. But you could’ve written, you ass.” She stepped away with a tiny smile and grabbed a tissue from the table and dabbed at her eyes. “Sorry I got your shirt wet. I swear I’m not usually this much of a crier.”

He chuckled and pulled her back into a bear hug. “I think I’ll live. And I really am sorry I did not write. I thought it would be easier to just make a clean break of it, but I also never planned on coming back.” He held her at arms length and looked her in the eye. “So. Any chance we could still be friends? Maybe… eventually… even best friends again?”

Thea gave an exaggerated sigh. “You’re lucky you’re already in good with Teddy. His opinion counts for quite a bit, you know.” She arched onto her tiptoes and pecked a quick kiss onto his cheek. “Yeah, Nate. You’ve missed a void of a lot, but I think I can fill you in. And just for the record, you owe me like, eight years worth of birthday drinks.”

“Noted,” Nathaniel smiled.

She gently returned Teddy to the bedside table, then turned and grabbed a sheer ivory blouse from her closet and threw it on over her cami before digging out a pair of flip flops in the same shade as her blouse. “Alright, come on.”

He frowned, perplexed, but followed her back downstairs. The others had left while they were talking, but Cullen was sitting in an armchair reading. She murmured something to her husband, who raised an eyebrow in Nathaniel’s direction but then shrugged and grabbed his keys without any argument while Thea sent a brief text to someone. She was still not forthcoming with any explanation, but Cullen stepped closer to him and spoke in a low tone.

“I am glad that Thea has her friend back, but I will warn you right now that if you _ever_ hurt her or Cataline again, I swear to the Maker I will make you regret it.”

Nathaniel sighed. “I have no intention of making the same mistake twice, but should I lose my wits and do so you will have to get in line behind the burly man with the beard and, I suspect, the qunari and the Tevinter. Possibly that Sera girl.”

Cullen gave him a wry smile, then stepped out the front door. Thea gestured to him impatiently.

“I don’t want to be late.”

“Late for what?” Nathaniel finally asked as they got into the car.

Thea dashed off another text before she turned from the front passenger seat and gave him the all-too familiar half smile.

“Let’s be honest, kitten. We all know you’re dying to ask about her.”


	7. Ease My Worried Mind

_What will you do when you get lonely?_  
 _No one waitin’ by your side_  
 _You been running, hiding much too long_  
 _You know it’s just your foolish pride._  
  


-“Layla (unplugged)” by Eric Clapton

 

* * *

 

_This was a mistake_.

Cat took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. Even under the best of circumstances, she’d never quite had the same confidence performing in front of people that her cousin had, and now she did not even have the luxury of Thea’s supportive presence in the front row. This was, almost certainly, going to be an unmitigated disaster. This was _exactly_ what happened when she didn’t plan. Why in the world had she agreed to do this?

“Careful, Violets. You wear a hole in that floor with your pacing, you’re buying me new hardwood.” Varric flashed his most disarming grin and handed her a glass of soda water with a wedge of lemon and just a splash of cranberry juice.

“You remembered,” she smiled gratefully.

“Of course I did.” The dwarf pretended to be offended. “How could I forget the preferred pre-performance beverage of one of my most popular performers?”

Cat chuckled wryly. “You’re exaggerating, or mistaking me for my cousin, I can’t decide. If I remember correctly, this is _her_ preferred beverage as well.”

Varric gave her a comforting pat on the back. “Neither. You’re good, Violets. All on your own. You’ll do fine, and you’ll have my undying gratitude for stepping in at the last minute and saving the day.”

“Varric, that reminds me, do you know what happened with Thea last ni-”

“Well, looks like they need me at the bar,” he interrupted her. With one final smile of encouragement, he darted back to the main room before she could try and weasel any information out of him. Whatever Thea’s mystery was, it seemed as though it would remain as such for a few more days.

Cataline took a deep breath, and then stepped onto the stage.

She was glad she had worn the sleeveless white sundress she’d picked. It didn’t absorb the heat of the stage lights quite as much as her other dresses would have, and it was still nice enough to perform in. Her hair had been left down in long waves down her back, but she hadn’t bothered with much makeup beyond a quick swipe of mascara and a dusting of blush below her cheekbones. The golden arrow pendant hung around her neck.

A moderately enthusiastic smattering of applause greeted her, and she flashed a smile to the audience. Stepping up to the microphone, she spoke a few brief words of greeting before plunging into her first song. It was a one she knew backwards and forwards, and was a favorite of hers to dip back into the waters of performing. The house band at her back was exceptional, meeting every nuance and lilt of her voice.

Slowly but surely, Cataline sank back into the simple joy that came from song. It had been too hard to even think about singing again for so many months, but now she was remembering the impossible rush that came from being up in front of an appreciative audience. For nearly an hour, she sent her voice soaring through the high beams of the bar and into every dimly lit corner, mesmerizing herself as much as she did any of the establishment’s patrons.

A wave from the entrance caught her eye, and she saw Dorian Pavus and Iron Bull enter, bringing another grin to her face. If Thea and Cullen couldn’t be there, Dorian and Bull were a pretty damn good consolation prize. Varric approached the stage and offered her a new glass of water, which she accepted.

“You’re doing great up there, Violets,” he assured her. “Thea said she’s been trying to get you to take some of her nights for awhile now. Maybe you should consider it?”

Cat laughed softly. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Varric. I’d hate to see your revenue drop off by cutting Thea’s shows.”

“Somehow, I don’t think that would be an issue,” he winked at her before sauntering back to the bar to help a new group of customers who had just arrived. If Cat didn’t know any better, she could have sworn that two of the newcomers were Thea and Cullen.

She tossed her hair back and signaled for the band to start up again for her last song of the first set. It was another one of her “guaranteed” songs: one that she knew she could hit perfectly every single time. Cataline smiled to herself, then looked out into the audience and began singing the words she’d sung a hundred times before.

To her surprise, it _was_ Thea and Cullen that she had seen come in, and they had settled into her traditional spot on the couch slightly to the left of center stage. Thea gave her an encouraging smile, but still seemed a bit twitchy. Cat wasn’t certain what her cousin had told Cullen to convince him she was up for being out that night.

Then, Cataline froze. A tall man with dark hair down approached Thea, handing her a drink before sitting down beside her. When his grey eyes met hers, the breath left her body and for a brief moment she thought she was going to pass out.

_Nathaniel_.

He did not seem quite as shocked to see her as she was to see him; in fact his eyes never once left hers, the intensity of his gaze reigniting a thousand memories that Cat had been struggling for years to leave behind. Behind her, the guitarist dipped into a complicated riff, covering for her sudden shock before she was able to pick up the lyrics again.

_Darling won’t you ease my worried mind…_

 

* * *

 

Cat wasn’t certain how she managed to find her way backstage. She had stumbled through the last few bars of her song, finishing far weaker than she usually did, and the whole while his eyes had been on her, though she had not been able to read his expression in the dimness of the room. When she finally reached the lone dressing room she collapsed against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe. 

“Cat, I swear to the Maker, I can explain.”

She looked up to see Thea standing in the doorway looking uncharacteristically abashed. “Please don’t be upset.”

“ _Upset?_ Thea, in what possible way am I _not_ supposed to be upset right now? Is this… is _he_ what happened last night? What in the void is going on?” Cat took a deep breath, steadying her nerves. Keeping her composure would be even more difficult if Thea went on the defensive or, worse, started crying.

Her cousin flopped into an overstuffed armchair and pinched the bridge of her nose briefly before looking back to Cataline. “Actually, Catkin, I won’t blame you if you are mad. What I just did isn’t all that much better than what Anders did to me last night and I gave him an earful for it, although at least this time Nate knew what was coming.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was back, Thea? Is that why…” Cataline felt her cheeks flush. “Is _that_ why you were asking me about my love life this morning?”

“Yes,” Thea replied bluntly, meeting her gaze head on. “I had to make a decision, Cat, but I couldn’t make it until Nathaniel made his. For one thing, you’re a maker damned flight risk. I knew that if I told you instead of just having him show up, you would run rather than deal with this. For another thing, our reunion last night… it didn’t go well. Anders hadn’t bothered to ask him if he’d checked in with Lilah, or if he knew what had happened here.”

“Oh damn,” Cataline buried her face in her hands. “So he must have thought- ”

“That everything that happened to Rendon was our fault. Yeah.” Thea nodded. “I didn’t know he was back, Cat, I swear. Not until Anders brought him in last night, and after the way Nate tore into me, I wasn’t willing to put your feelings on the line until I figured out if there was a way to fix things. And quite frankly, if you didn’t still have feelings for him, I may not have bothered. I was still pretty fucking pissed that he walked out all those years ago.”

“ _Was_ pissed?” Cat managed a small smile.

Thea raised one delicate shoulder. “He came over to apologize today. It’s ok: Teddy cleared it.”

Cat laughed then, and managed to stand up although she still felt light-headed. Glancing in the mirror, she was alarmed at how pale she had gone, even by her fair-skinned standards. Thea must have come to the same conclusion, because she came to stand beside her and slipped a flask out of her back pocket. Cat raised an eyebrow. “Varric lets you bring in outside stuff?”

Thea blinked innocently. “Are you kidding? Who do you think filled it for me? Here, take a nip,” she passed it to Cat, who took a small sip and let the whiskey warm her from her throat all the way to her belly. She took a deep breath, then looked back to her cousin.

“Is he- how is he, Thea?”

“You could ask him yourself, you know.”

Cat shook her head adamantly. “You know I can’t. Thea, it’s been so long…” _And I’m not sure if I can take another heartbreak like that_.

“For fuck’s sake,” Thea grumbled. “Alright, well, we caught up as much as we could in the car, but you can only cover so much in a fifteen minute drive. He’s not married, I can tell you that much, and I gather that there hasn’t really been anyone in his life other than a couple of casual relationships, including one with an elf that ended _really_ badly, but I’ll let him tell you about that. Still got serious father issues, and I can only do so much there since strictly speaking it _is_ my fault we found the embezzlement, even if it wasn’t my fault it got out to the public.”

“Why did he come back?” Cat asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

Thea considered the question carefully before she answered. “He says he wants to get his father’s affairs settled and make sure Delilah is ok.”

Cat’s heart sank. “And then he’ll leave again?”

“I don’t know, Catkin,” Thea admitted. “If I had to take a guess, I’d say no. He left his old job back in the Marches and hasn’t made a decision as to what he is going to do next. _Maybe_ if you go talk to him he’d have more incentive to stay.”

“Yes, because that worked so well last time.” Cat looked back in the mirror, wondering what Nathaniel had seen when he’d looked at her. “Thea, I can’t go back out there. You’ve got to finish the show for me.”

Thea stood back and gestured to her outfit. “Cat, I am _so_ not dressed for it.”

“Thea, please. Just go out and do your acoustic set; no one will care. I just… I can’t right now.”

The other woman sighed, then nodded and waved her hand in dismissal. “I’ll go find my spare guitar. I know Varric keeps it here somewhere. Hope the crowd is up for something mellow.” 

Cat gave her a brief hug and kiss, then slipped out the back door of the bar. She walked around the building to the parking lot which, Maker bless him, Varric kept well lit.

“I hope you are not leaving on my account.”

_Maker_. His voice still sent shivers down her spine and made her entire body ache. She turned, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. _Damn it._

The past ten years had been good to him: the lankiness he’d had in college had filled out with lean muscle, and he carried himself with an easy confidence he had never had before. He still wore his hair the same way, which almost made her smile a bit, until she caught his eyes on her and she nearly forgot her own name.

“I admit, you… I wasn’t expecting to see you,” her voice came out almost as a whisper.

“I told Thea she should have warned you, but she seemed to think you were a flight risk,” he gave her a small smile as he stepped closer. “You were amazing, by the way. Your voice is still enchanting.”

“Thank you,” she managed a smile of her own. He was close enough she could have reached out and touched him.

“I missed you, Cataline.”

She tore her eyes away from his and looked down at the pavement. “You could have come back. Or written.” Cat took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spring from her eyes.

Nathaniel sighed. “Yes. I could have. I _should_ have.” He turned away and took a step back in the direction of the bar. “I’m sorry, Cat.”

“I missed you too.”

He stopped and looked back towards her. Then, he held his hand out to her. “Thea’s my ride, so I’m stuck here until she wraps up. Do you… I mean, would you like to come back in and keep me company? It would not to hurt to have another witness in case Cullen changes his mind and decides to beat the shit out of me for upsetting Thea last night.”

Cataline laughed, taking his hand and letting him lead her back into the air conditioned interior. Thea was on stage singing a James Taylor ballad, but she managed a subtle wink in their direction when Cat and Nathaniel took their seats beside Cullen. When she had finished the second set, Thea hopped down after passing the guitar to Varric so he could squirrel it safely away. She accepted her sandals from her husband, then bent down and placed a brief kiss on both Cat and Nathaniel’s cheeks.

“Alright, now, since I know we all still have a great deal of catching up to do, I suggest that Nathaniel join us for our traditional Sunday breakfast tomorrow. I do not want to have to repeat myself so it will be easier if everyone is there at once.”

Cat looked at Nathaniel uncertainly, but he was looking to her. His eyes seemed to dart down briefly to her necklace before he looked back to Thea. “If you are certain… I do not want to intrude.”

“Which you will not be, as you have been invited,” Thea replied evenly.

“ _She’s not used to being told no_ ,” Dorian and Bull had joined them, and the Tevinter leaned in with a loud stage whisper, “ _best just do as she says, lest she burn our bacon in retaliation_.”

“Oh that has _got_ to be a sex thing,” Bull protested, and Cullen tried to cover up a snort of laughter.

Thea rolled her eyes, then looked back to Nathaniel. “Well?”

Cataline’s heart felt as though it had stopped beating as she waited for him to answer. When he spoke, Nathaniel replied to Thea, but his eyes were on Cat.

“Sure, Thea. I would love to come over.”

 

 

 

 


	8. Our Little Talks

_Some days I can’t even trust myself_   
_It’s killing me to see you this way_   
_‘Cause though the truth may vary this_   
_Ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.  
_

-“Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men

 

* * *

Nathaniel didn’t think it was possible for him to feel more nervous in front of Thea’s front door than he had yesterday afternoon when he had been trying to mentally prepare an apology. Now, even though he knew that there was no longer the likelihood of Thea causing him bodily harm, there were much higher stakes on the line. Seeing Cataline last night had thrown every single one of his haphazard plans out the window, and feeling her hand in his had nearly made his heart stop. He had lived with memories of her for so long, and yet the reality of her touch and her voice and her scent had kept him awake late into the night, and when he did finally drift to sleep, his dreams were of her.

Finally, he knocked briskly on the door. It swung open to reveal Thea, who almost immediately yelled “ _NO”_ and swooped down to scoop up the black cat Nathaniel had spotted on the mantle the previous day. “Sorry,” she shrugged sheepishly, wrapping her free arm around him in a hug while still wrangling the squirming feline. “We keep telling Johanna there’s nothing out there for her, and yet every day she tries to escape, and every day we tell her _no_. I swear, we never have this problem with Susannah. Anyways, come on in. Everyone is out back. Well, except Cat. She’s running a little late.”

He followed her through the living room and on to the sweeping back porch. He had briefly met Dorian and Iron Bull the night before, and he and Cullen had more or less reached an understanding so long as Thea was happy. The woman in question handed him a mug of coffee before settling in beside her husband and taking a sip of her own. “Don’t worry,” she smiled over the edge of her cup, “she’ll be here soon.”

“She’d better be,” Bull grumbled. “The smell of that bacon is killing me.”

Nathaniel looked around the table. “So, is it always just the five of you?”

“Usually,” Dorian confirmed. “Sometimes Anders and Ven show up, but most weekend nights he has to be on call at the hospital, and even if he isn’t, I doubt he is brave enough to try and drag Ravenna out of bed this early in the morning on a Sunday.”

“She did seem…”

“She is not a morning person,” Thea finished for him.

“I was going to say that she does not seem to care much for my presence,” Nathaniel corrected with a questioning glance in her direction.

Thea sighed. “Yeah. Ven does not have a great history with the men in your family, but that’s a topic of conversation for another time. Well well,” she gave him a half smile and then looked beyond him. “Look who’s here.”

Nathaniel turned and saw Cat stepping through the backdoor, tossing her sunhat and handbag on the porch swing before giving Thea a brief hug as the other woman moved past her to go serve up breakfast. Cataline slipped onto the bench beside him, her leg brushing his ever so briefly and making his heart skip a beat.

“Sorry I’m running a little late,” she apologized. “I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.”

“Not at all,” Thea set a plate of biscuits down on the table, followed by a platter of crispy bacon. “Your hair looks _very_ nice this morning, Cat. Did you do something different with it?”

He glanced to his side and saw a faint blush rising in Cat’s cheeks. “No. Not really. I mean- no.”

“Your hair _does_ look particularly nice,” he whispered in her ear and was rewarded by a dazzling smile. He noticed she was wearing the same golden arrow pendant she had been the night before. _I wonder if she always wears it_.

“Thank you, Nate.” She accepted a bowl of fresh cut fruit from Thea, who was trying unsuccessfully to hide a grin behind the pan of scrambled eggs. She sat them down in front of Cullen and made one last offer of coffee or, in Cat’s case, tea, before sitting down and indicating that they should help themselves.

The table was silent for a few moments while they ate other than the occasional request to pass the fruit or the cream. Nathaniel was envious of the easy friendship they seemed to share, and not for the first time he felt a deep pang of regret that he had left this life behind. “So,” he asked, looking at Cullen and Thea, “how long have you two been married?”

“About a year and a half,” Cullen replied, his expression softening slightly as he glanced at his wife and she graced him with one of her rare smiles.

“How did you meet?”

“I am head of security at Seawolf and Steed. One day, the most absolutely stunning redhead walked into my office and informed me she was the new VP of international relations and that she had to find someplace to hide for the next three hours because her aunt and uncle were trying to drag her into a meeting with the shareholders and she would rather slit her own wrists than sit through another one.” Cullen chuckled to himself. “Against my better judgement, I let her stay. I’m lucky Bryce and Eleanor didn’t fire me for it, but they actually seemed rather amused. We talked for hours, and, about a month later, I worked up the courage to ask her out. A year later, I asked her to marry me.”

“And he is still putting up with me,” Thea laughed, wrapping her arm around Cullen’s and leaning her head against his shoulder. He placed a gentle kiss on her head.

“Something like that. I would argue I am the luckiest man in the world.”

“Yes, it’s all sweet enough to give me diabetes,” Dorian drawled, although Nathaniel noticed that he and Bull had laced their fingers together. “But some of us are still trying to keep our breakfast down, yes?”

Thea stuck her tongue out at him, and he returned the gesture, sending her into a fit of giggles. Cat shook her head beside him, but he could tell she was smiling, albeit maybe a bit sadly. He wondered what she would do if he reached over and took her hand in his, but he was also not willing to find out in front of an audience.

“So tell us, Nathaniel,” Dorian inquired as he reached for the coffee pot, “what were you doing in the Free Marches? Cataline and Theadosia have been annoying tight lipped about it.”

“I wasn’t tight lipped, I didn’t _know_ ,” Cat corrected, a trace of irritation in her voice.

“To be fair, I am not even certain that _I_ know exactly what I thought I was doing,” Nathaniel jumped in. “I went to graduate school in Ostwick and earned a Master’s degree in journalism-”

“Which means that we probably just missed each other,” Thea interrupted. “You probably graduated the year before I started _my_ Master’s program.”

He frowned in confusion. “You were at the University of Ostwick?”

She nodded. “History. Turns out that awful book your father gave me for my ninth birthday wasn’t as awful as he intended it to be. I ended up loving it.”

“I can’t believe we never ran into each other.”

“It’s a big city,” she shrugged. “And I suspect at least one of us didn’t want to be found.”

_Ouch_.

“Anyways, moving forward,” Bull prompted him to continue.

“Right,” Nathaniel sighed. _I can’t change it now_. “Well, after school, I was hired on by _Travels of a Chantry Scholar_ as their lead writer. I moved around the entire southern continent and even ventured into Tevinter a few times, living out of a suitcase and never really settling anywhere.”

Dorian nearly choked on his coffee. “Wait… you’re _that_ Nathaniel? Your by-line always had a surname of Bryland!”

Nathaniel cleared his throat slightly. “Yes, well… I did not want my father’s name to follow me to the Free Marches, so I adopted my mother’s maiden name for work.”

The Tevinter stared at him for a moment, then pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. “Lace darling? Yes, I know it’s Sunday, but this is an emergency. I’m at Thea’s; fax me over that contract for the lead travel editor position. I am _not_ being dramatic, I literally have the perfect man for the job sitting across from me at the breakfast table and… what? Oh, just a moment…” he put the phone down and looked at Nathaniel. “I assume someone else hasn’t snapped you up already? I’ve read your work; it’s exceptional, and I will double whatever they’re offering you.”

“Dorian is the publisher of Thoughts on Thedas,” Thea clarified with a small smile. It was the biggest publication in all the countries south of Tevinter, with a readership numbering in the millions. He hadn’t realized that he had been sitting at Sunday breakfast with the man who had single handedly turned it into the success it was.

“You’re serious?” Nathaniel looked at Dorian uncertainly.

“I am dead serious,” Dorian confirmed. “If I had realized you were on the market, I would have been head hunting you months ago. The fact that the Maker has conveniently dropped you in my lap just saves me time and a headache.”

Thea looked away from him, her expression unreadable, and put a gentle hand on her friend’s arm. “Dorian, darling… I’m not sure if Nate plans on staying in Denerim.”

It was true. Up until yesterday, Nathaniel had fully intended to take care of whatever business he had to in the southern capitol, and then return to the Free Marches. But now… he glanced over at Cataline, her violet eyes looking at him with a heartbreaking mix of hope and fear and something else he couldn’t quite place.

“I… yes. Send over the contract and I will look it over, but, tentatively… yes.”

“Excellent,” Dorian flashed a dazzling smile, then returned to his call where his poor assistant was still on hold. “Lace? Go ahead and fax it over. Yes, you can bill me for the overtime.”

Nathaniel looked back at Cat, whose smile had slipped back into the same serene grace she’d always had, but now there seemed to be an extra sparkle in her eyes, and her hand was idly playing with the pendant she wore around her neck. He couldn’t help but wonder…

_Andraste’s blood, I love her_.

“I suppose that means I should start looking at apartments,” he tried to refocus his attention.

“Hm, there, I may be able to help you,” Thea stood and brushed a few biscuit crumbs off her lab. “Cullen, would you take in a few bacon crumbs to the girls? I’m going to take Nate down to the Loft.” 

* * *

 

“So. Looks like you’ll be staying longer than you planned,” Thea smiled to herself.

“It seems that way, yes.” 

Thea led him down a path to a small guesthouse that had been set apart from the main house. It was sheltered by a copse of evergreens on one side that did not block the view of the sea from what he guessed would be the living area windows. Thea retrieved a key from her pocket and unlocked the front door.

“It will need to be aired out, I’m afraid. We haven’t had anyone stay here since we remodeled, but if you want it, it’s yours.”

Nathaniel stepped inside. The first floor was an open floor plan, with a small sitting area, kitchen, bathroom and a dining nook. The second floor was a loft which, he gathered, was why Thea had given the dwelling its name. There was a reasonably sized bedroom with a queen sized bed and a skylight, a small office space, and a second full bath. He looked at his friend.

“I know you are probably tired of hearing this, but… are you serious?”

Thea laughed. “If you can stand living this close to me, then yes. Like I said, it’s just been sitting empty, and that’s not good for a house. It came with the property when I bought it, and Cullen and I had it renovated last year, but haven’t done anything with it. I know it’s a bit on the small side…”

“Thea, I have literally been living out of hotel rooms for the past six years, travelling for work. I gave up on having an apartment because I was just never there. This is perfect.”

“Good. I’m glad,” she took his arm in hers and started back up towards the main house, locking the door behind her before handing him the key. “I’ll call the utilities people tomorrow and have everything turned on, and if you remind me I’ll write down the wifi password for you. You’ll need to go grocery shopping, so maybe Cat can take you tomorrow after she gets off work; I have to… I think I have a meeting.” She stopped about halfway up the slope and looked at him intently.

“I’m glad you’re home, Nathaniel. And I’m glad that now you have added incentive to stay.”

Nathaniel looked up to where Cataline was sitting on the porch, sipping her tea and laughing at something Bull had said. “You think… I mean, yes, but…”

Thea laughed softly, giving his arm a playful squeeze. “I was talking about the job, Nate, but yes.”

“Her too.”


	9. Heal Our Scars

_Though I may speak some tongue of old_  
 _Or even spit out some holy word_  
 _I have no strength with which to speak_  
 _When you sit me down and see I'm weak._  


\- “Learn Me Right” by Birdy and Mumford and Sons

 

* * *

Cat felt happier than she had in months, and yet more confused all at the same time.

It had been three weeks since Nathaniel had moved back to Denerim, and in that short time it felt as though the ten years he had been gone had disappeared. They hadn’t had much time to spend together yet; he had been settling in to a new job and her own work at Seawolf and Steed kept her busy during the day, but the nights she went over to Thea and Cullen’s house for dinner were even more appealing now that she knew there was a good chance Nathaniel would be there as well, and every night they pieced together a few more fragments of the time that had been spent apart.

Thea frequently made subtle (and a few _not_ as subtle) attempts to leave the two of them alone together so they could talk, but Cat just wasn’t certain she was ready to risk her heart on something she was still so unsure of. Not the way she felt about _him_ ; that at least was perfectly clear. She just still hadn’t sorted exactly how he felt about her, and it was keeping her up at night, her mind a torrent of his smile, his voice, the subtle touches they shared. More than once, her hands found themselves drifting over the curves of her body as she lay in bed, wishing desperately that they were his.

After a particularly restless night, Cataline woke up early on a Saturday morning and drug herself out of bed. _This has_ got _to stop_ , she berated herself, digging around in her cabinets for her favorite loose leaf tea, only to remember that she had forgotten to run to the tea shop after work the previous afternoon because she’d been anxious to get to Thea’s house. She let her head thud softly against the cabinet door. The morning was _not_ off to a promising start.

She was now left with three options: go without her tea (which was not really an option at all), drive out to the tea shop on the other end of town and hope it was open this early, or make the twenty minute walk down the beach to raid Thea’s stash. With a sigh, knowing damn well that she already knew the answer, Cat changed into a pair of shorts and a t shirt and slipped on a pair of sandals that would be relatively forgiving on her feet during the walk.

The morning air was warm and, despite being driven out of her apartment earlier than she would have liked on a Saturday, she was almost glad to be out in the early summer sunshine. The heat of the day had not yet inundated the sand, and there was almost no one else on the public stretch of the beach that led away from the city and towards the wilder outlying area. She loved walking this path, with the sea bordering her on one side and wild dunes of beach grass on the other. It also gave her a chance to clear her head, which she desperately needed at the moment.

Finally, she reached the weathered wooden steps that were cut into the dune leading up to Thea’s house. As she climbed, Cat could swear she heard the familiar _thud_ of an arrow hitting its target. She briefly considered investigating, then remembered that she probably looked like the void, having barely bothered to throw her hair back in a messy braid before leaving her apartment, and foregoing makeup completely.

_Didn’t think this through, did you?_

She slipped past the guest house and used her key to let herself into Thea’s kitchen. Either her cousin and her husband weren’t up yet, or they had gone to run errands that morning. A brief glance outside revealed at least one car was gone, so it was most likely the latter. Cat made herself a pot of lemon tea, then stepped onto the back deck, sipping the soothing beverage. She understood why Thea generally preferred coffee; even Cat drank it from time to time when she was feeling particularly run down, but there was just something about the ritual of making and drinking tea that gave her peace. It was a practice she had shared with her mother, and even now she had Eleanor’s favorite teapot tucked safely away in one of her cupboards, one of the only things she had made a priority to unpack when she had moved.

The memory of her mother sent a shock of sadness through her heart, and Cat wondered how long it would be until thinking of her parents would fade to a dull ache instead of the sharp, unexpected pangs that currently haunted her. She exhaled slowly, soaking up the cool atmosphere of the morning, trying to clear her mind. Without even realizing at first what she was doing, her steps began to carry her down away from the house and towards the Loft.

_I really need to talk to Thea about that name_ , she shook her head. Her cousin was usually more creative than that. Then again, this was the first time the house had been used since Thea and Cullen had finally decided to remodel instead of just tearing it down, which would have been a shame, really. It was a charming little hideaway, tucked away just so that it was hidden from the main house but still had unobstructed views of the sea. When she reached the back of the house, Cat peeked around the corner.

She’d been right: Nathaniel had already set up a makeshift archery range and was flawlessly sending arrow after arrow at a series of targets set up at various distances. He was wearing a loose fitting pair of pants and a sleeveless black cotton top that allowed her to watch every muscle in his arms flex as he drew the bowstring back, and she suddenly realized how warm the day already was. She was also keenly aware the goosebumps that dotted her skin had nothing to do with the ambient temperature. Cat waited until he had set the bow down to go collect his arrows before she finally spoke up.

“Good morning,” she called, praying she didn’t look quite as disheveled as she feared.

“Cat?” He smiled at her, sending a flutter through her heart. His smiles were even more rare than Thea’s, and Cat idly wondered if her cousin had picked up the habit from her friend. “What are you doing up and about this early? Not that I am not pleased to see you.”

She settled onto the grass, the morning dew already evaporated in the early summer sun. “I forgot to make a run to the tea shop yesterday,” she explained, “and Thea always keeps a stash on hand for me when I come over. It was a choice between a walk down the beach or a drive through Saturday morning traffic, and I chose the former.”

“I can’t say I blame you,” he agreed, collecting the last of his arrows and setting them aside before he sat down beside her. “I am glad you are here, actually. We haven’t had much of a chance to just sit and talk since I came back.”

“No, we haven’t,” Cat tried to keep her tone even. There had been no small amount of uncalled for jealousy on her part when Thea and Nathaniel had managed to slip so easily back into their friendship, while she was still having difficulty even looking at him without completely forgetting how to speak. “We have both been busy, I suppose.”

“You’re not wrong,” he nodded, leaning back on his elbows. “Still, I should have made more time for you, and I intend to do so going forward.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she protested quietly, even though her heart had jumped at the words.

Nathaniel looked at her, his eyes meeting her own with an intensity she had forgotten he possessed. “Perhaps I _want_ to.”

Cat did not have a good response to that, and so she simply smiled, toying with her empty mug. Eventually she glanced over to him and asked, “So… did you like living in the Free Marches?”

He nodded. “I did, for the most part. For the first time in my life, I had real freedom, and so long as I used mother’s maiden name instead of ‘Howe,’ I was judged by who I was instead of by who my _family_ was. Still, I have to say that it was starting to wear on me. Living out of suitcase is fun for awhile, but after the first five or six years it started to get old. What about you? How has life in Denerim been for the past ten years?”

Cat shrugged. “It has been alright. Honestly, the hardest part up until last year was when Thea was away for grad school. I missed her terribly. I had other friends, of course, but no one like her.” _Or you_ , she added mentally.

“Yes, she is certainly unique,” Nathaniel chuckled. “And do you still enjoy your job? I imagine it has been an adjustment, taking control of the company.”

“There has unquestionably been a steep learning curve, but I have been preparing for this for most of my life. It was always assumed I would go into the family business, because Fergus sure as the void wasn’t going to.”

“How is Fergus?” He asked.

“He’s well. He and Orianna took Oren to Antiva for a holiday so they can visit her family. The poor boy needed something to look forward to after the chaos of the last year. I don’t think I’ve seen Delilah since you have come back to town. How is she?”

“She is…” Nathaniel hesitated, and Cat could sense that his reunion with his sister had been little less awkward than that between him and Thea. “She is alright. She has had to endure a great deal, and I think she still resents me a bit for disappearing like I did. Rightfully so, of course, but it has still been difficult. Her husband is a good man, though. I did not realize that I had missed her wedding as well.”

His expression had grown distant, so Cat decided to risk changing the subject. “So… Thea told me I had to ask you about the ex who set your clothes on fire?”

“Andraste’s blood,” Nathaniel laughed drily. “She would latch on to that one. I was dating a lovely elven woman, Velanna, but she and I had very different ideas about where we wanted the relationship to go. Namely, she wanted more of a commitment from me, which was not entirely unreasonable, but also not what I wanted.”

Cataline swallowed around the lump in her throat. She knew he must have been with other women since he had been gone; void, she had never had any real claim to him in the first place, but the reality still stung. “And what _did_ you want?”

He looked at her intently, and when he spoke his voice was hushed. “Nothing she could give me, Cataline.”

Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She opened her mouth to respond, but found she had lost the words, so she instead pointed to the bow he had set aside. “May I?”

“Of course,” he handed it over with a small smile. “Do you still practice?”

“Not as much as Thea,” she admitted, “but yes. I still enjoy it, and I find it surprisingly peaceful.” She drew the bowstring back, surprised she was still strong enough to pull at that weight, sending an arrow flying towards the targets. She hit the farthest one easily; not as precisely as Nathaniel had, but within the “kill” zone. Cat nocked another arrow, then drew her arm back again, sending it down range.

“I’ve been meaning to ask: is this why you wear that arrow necklace?”

“…something like that.” Cat took a deep breath before releasing her next shot, which was not nearly as on target as it should have been. “It was a gift from Thea shortly after… after my parents died.”

“I’m sorry, Cataline,” he murmured, standing up and stepping closer to her.

“It’s fine, Nate,” she gave him a small smile. “There’s no need to apologize.”

Nathaniel stepped in front of her and placed his hand over hers on the bow. He was close enough now that she had to tilt her head up to look him in the eye, and the touch of his hand on hers was enough to send shivers through her body despite the heat of the rising sun. “It is _not_ fine, Cataline, and there _is_ a need. I did not have to leave the way I did and I… Maybe if I had stayed, father would not have done what _he_ did. And even if he did, I still should have been here for you.”

He placed a hand on her cheek and stroked it gently with his thumb. “So I am sorry, Cat. I wish… I wish I could have the last ten years back, but since I know I cannot, I intend to make the best of my life going forward.” Nathaniel leaned his head towards her, and Cat’s eyelids fluttered shut, the warmth radiating from his body burning into her skin and making the world around her fade away.

Then, somewhere up by the main house, a car door slammed shut. Cat opened her eyes, and stepped away, reality crashing back around her. Nathaniel sighed and accepted his bow back as she started to back away, the hurt in his eyes unmistakable.

“I… I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I should… I should go.”

_What was I thinking?_ Almost everything good in her life tended to go wrong, somehow, and she was practically begging fate to toss her under the bus once again. She almost ran up the gentle slope to the main house, nearly colliding with Thea as she juggled two large canvas grocery bags.

“Andraste’s ass, Cataline, what are you doing here this early?” Thea inquired with a raised eyebrow, then gave her a small half smile. “Were you… were you here to see _him_?”

“No, I- I just came to steal some of your loose leaf,” Cat responded a bit too quickly. “I ran out, and I didn’t want to drive all the way into town…”

“Bullshit,” Thea’s smile broadened a fraction. “Did I interrupt something? Because I would gladly go back and mill around the farmer’s market for a few more hours.”

“What were you doing at the market so early anyways?” Cat interjected, desperate to change the subject.

“Bull is barbecuing tonight, remember? I wanted to get to the market before all the best produce was picked over. I swear, some of those old ladies wake up at the crack of dawn.” Thea set the bags down and opened them to reveal verdant ears of corn on the cob, bright peaches, and freshly baked hamburger rolls. “I’ve still got a couple of watermelons in the car, but I’ll ask Cullen to help me bring those in. And you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Look, Thea, it was- it was nothing. Ok. Nothing happened.”

Thea stood silent for a moment, assessing her. Cat could tell the wheels were turning in her cousin’s head, and she also knew there would be no escaping her judgement, whatever it ended up being.

“Fuck… you ran away, didn’t you?” Thea sighed. “Cataline…”

“I just thought you might need help, is all.”

Thea shook her head, irritation written on her face. “Uh uh. _No way_ , Cat. You are _not_ going to use me as an excuse to run away from him! You need to deal with this.”

“It is _not_ that simple,” Cat hissed.

“Yeah, Catkin, I know.” For once, Thea did not look terribly pleased with her deductions; in fact, she suddenly just looked very tired and very sad. She passed her the shopping bags and walked down towards the Loft.

“Thea? Where are you going?”

The other woman paused and looked behind her, then stepped back towards Cat with a sigh and gave her an awkward hug around the shopping bags. “I love you, Cataline. You are my kin, and one of my best friends, but I love him too. And I kind of suspect his heart just got stomped on, so I have to go deal with that. Why don’t you go in and make yourself another cup of tea. I will come back shortly, I promise.” With that, Thea resumed her path.

Cat took a deep breath, and tried to hold the back tears of frustration.

_This was a mistake._

 

 

 

 


	10. How Can I Even Try

_You seem so far away though you are standing near_  
 _You made me feel alive, but something died I fear_  
 _I really tried to make it out_  
 _I wish I understood._  


-“S.O.S” from Mamma Mia!

 

* * *

 

 

When he heard the snap of a twig behind him, Nathaniel spun around, hoping beyond reason that Cataline had come back. Instead, it was Thea who emerged from the trees. “Oh. Hey, Thea.”

She raised an eyebrow in his direction and placed a hand on her hip in mock indignation. “I’m going to pretend I am not offended by that reaction.”

He sighed, gesturing for her to follow him inside. She automatically started a pot of coffee and started washing the only two mugs he owned, which had been abandoned in the sink because he simply had not thought to clean them yet; he still wasn’t used to the idea that he might actually have guests. Neither of them spoke while the coffee brewed, and Thea poured out a cup for each of them before sprawling on the loveseat opposite him in the living room. He finally broke the silence by pointing at her locket and asking, “why a wyvern?”

Thea’s eyes looked away, her hand moving to the locket almost automatically. For a moment he thought he saw a flash of sadness in her eyes, but if he had it was gone almost as soon as it had appeared. “It was a gift from a friend,” was her quiet reply, and he could tell that this was something he would just have to let go for the moment. His friend took a long sip of her coffee before speaking again.

“Do you want to talk about it, Nate?”

“No. Yes- I don’t know, Thea.” He placed his head in his hands, trying to organize his thoughts. To Thea’s credit, he knew she would not push him to say anything more than he was ready to. It had always been like that: he knew that _she_ knew more than she ever let on, but kindness dictated that she would give him the space to figure it out on his own.

“Am I crazy, Thea?”

His friend gave a small snort of laughter. “Hardly, kitten. Or at least, not in the way you probably think you are.”

“A month ago, I had planned on getting in, getting out, and getting on with my life. Now I have a new job, and I’m living in your backyard, and a lot of things that I thought were buried in the past are coming back, and I am just not certain what to do with any of it.” He took a drink of his own coffee, grateful that Thea still brewed it dark and strong. “That woman is driving me to distraction.”

“Hmmm,” Thea gave a non-committal murmur. 

“Thea, is… is Cataline _with_ … damn it.”

His friend gave him a small smile over the edge of her mug. “Is Cataline seeing anyone, you mean?”

He shrugged, trying to pretend as though the answer did not matter and fooling neither of them.

“Interesting you should ask,” she continued, stretching her legs out over the couch and looking at him thoughtfully. “I had that very conversation with her a few weeks ago. The night after you got back into town, actually.”

He winced slightly at the memory, but she just laughed softly. “No, don’t be like that Nate. It’s water under the bridge. As far as I know, and I know a great deal, she has not been on a date in at least three years, and I actually have no idea how long before then that she actually… was _with_ anyone. I always figured she was still hung up on someone, and that’s why none of the other relationships worked out.” She looked at him pointedly, but he turned his gaze out the front window down to the sea. It had been warm enough that he had left the windows open, and now a cool breeze drifted up from the water into the living room, calming his mind slightly.

Thea stood up and came and sat beside him, taking his hand in hers and kissing the back of it. “Nate, I’m in an awkward position here. You and Cat… you’re my best friends. You have always been the big brother that I _wished_ I had, and Cat is more a sister to me than a cousin. I have to walk a fine line here, to make sure that I maintain trust with both of you, but I also desperately want you both to be happy.”  
  
“I know, Teddy Girl,” Nathaniel wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “You are _still_ a better friend than I deserve.”

“Oh hush,” she gave him a playful punch in the arm. “Given all the trouble I got you into when we were younger, I figure this is just life evening things out.”

“So,” he sighed and leaned his head back, “what do you think I should do? In your completely professional opinion, of course?”

Thea bit her lip and contemplated for a moment. “I would give her a little time to think things through. I already know what conclusion she is going to come to, as I suspect you do, but I don’t think either of us should push it. She has had to deal with a lot this year, as have you. Speaking of, you still holding up ok? How is Delilah? I don’t think I’ve seen her since you’ve been back.”

“Yes, that is what Cat was saying,” he confirmed. “Lilah seems to be alright. Have you met her husband?”

“I was a bridesmaid in their wedding.”

Nathaniel sighed. “Of course you were.”

“We both sent you invitations, you know. Cullen and I did our damndest to find you, but…”

“I know. Delilah said much the same. I haven’t really spoken to her since Tommy died, and even that was just a brief letter. I tried to ask her about dad, but she didn’t seem to want to discuss it.”

“No,” Thea mused, “I imagine she wouldn’t. Remember: she had to live with him longer than you did. I will not presume to tell you what your father was like at home, but I know that Lilah has seemed worlds happier recently. Take from that what you will.”

Nathaniel bit back the retort on his tongue. Odd, that his first reaction was still to defend his father who, as mounting evidence would suggest, was not a good man. Instead, he decided to ask another question that had been nagging at the back of his mind.

“Thea? What _happened_ with Cat’s parents?”

Now it was Thea’s turn to breathe a long sigh. She stood and went into the kitchen, taking their mugs and refilling them with coffee. When she returned, she sat back down beside him and tucked her feet beneath her, but seemed hesitant to speak.

“They were murdered, Nate. I’m not sure what to tell you beyond that.”

“But there _is_ more to it, isn’t there?” He persisted.

Thea took a sip of her coffee, buying herself time to think, he suspected. “I think so, yes, and so does Chief Inspector Pentaghast. She’s a friend of mine.”

“How am I not surprised?”

She gave him her half smile. “Yes, well. In any case, she agrees with my assessment that the beat cops got it wrong: this was not just a random mugging. It just seemed too perfect. Too clean, as though it had been staged. But there were mistakes, too. Uncle Bryce’s wallet and Aunt Eleanor’s purse were gone, but all of their jewelry was still there. I suppose there is some mercy in that: Fergus has his father’s wedding ring, and Cat has her mother’s. It just felt like there was something more to it.” She raised her shoulders in a gesture of defeat. “But I haven’t heard anything new recently. Fergus flat out refuses to entertain the idea, and Cat has only given me provisional support, assuming I act as liaison. Beyond that, we don’t really talk about it.”

“But you’re still looking for answers?” He asked her quietly.

“Yes,” she replied. “I suppose I am. They never found the gunmen, you know. I just… I guess _I_ need answers. And I think Cat wants them too, or she wouldn’t be giving me free rein like this. I think it is just easier for her to have it one step removed, you know? And if I can do this for her, then…” Her voice trailed off, and Nathaniel placed a kiss on top of her head.

“You’re a good cousin, Theadosia, and an even better friend.”

“I have my moments,” she laughed drily, then stood. “I had better go. I promised to make cherry pie for Bull in exchange for his services as grill master tonight, which means in reality I will be making one pie just for Bull and two more for the rest of us. You _are_ coming, yes?”

“I don’t know, Thea. Is Cat going to be there?”

“She’d better be. I am not going to have you two making me choose between you. You are both adults.”

He threw up his hands in defeat. It had always been difficult to say no to Thea. “Alright. I’ll be there.”

“Good,” she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “See you tonight then.”

 

* * *

 

 

Whatever had passed between them that morning seemed to have been forgotten by the time he saw Cataline that evening. She had gone home in the interim and come back in a pretty butter yellow sundress, and she’d done her hair and makeup. Nathaniel was tempted to tell her that she had been just as beautiful that morning when she had shown up in shorts and a t shirt with her hair in a messy braid, but he didn’t want to press his luck. As it was, he was simply happy that she seemed to gravitate towards his side more often than not throughout the evening, and when the group decided to make an impromptu bonfire on the beach she had curled up beside him on one of the blankets they had spread out on the sand. She was so close he could have wrapped his arm around her, but memories of that morning stayed his hand.

Despite the ache he felt for Cat, the evening had been pleasant. For the first time since he had arrived back in Denerim, he was starting to feel as though maybe he belonged there. Thea’s approval meant that her circle of friends had accepted him as one of their own, and even though Sera and Varric frequently accused him of being too serious, he had found a friend in Thea’s husband, Cullen.

As they sat around the fire, Thea was quietly picking out melodies on her guitar, and they were passing around a bottle that Sera had smuggled down from the kitchen. Iron Bull took a long drag then passed it over to Nathaniel, who took a tentative sip. It was red wine of some sort… he had never been very talented at identifying the different types or vintages, but whatever it was, it was good. He passed it over to Cat, who accepted it with a sweet smile.

“Thea, why don’t you play that one song from that movie Dorian loves so much?” Bull spoke up.

“Oh for… just because I mentioned that I _may_ not have hated it that _one_ time…”

“Don’t listen to him,” Bull winked broadly. “I swear he picks that one every third or fourth date night. It’s a good thing he’s so talented with that mouth of his, or else-”

“ _Vishante kaffas_ , can we _please_ talk about literally anything else?”

Cataline laughed softly beside him, her violet eyes shining in the starlight, and even Thea gave a small half smile. “Ok, which one was it… the one about wanting a man after midnight, or the one they sing on the beach before the bachelor party?”

“No,” Cullen shook his head, “I think he means the other one… S.O.S.? Is that what it’s called?” The others looked at him in surprise. “What?” He shrugged defensively. “It’s a good movie.”

“That’s the one!” Bull responded enthusiastically.

Thea tweaked a couple of tuning pins on her guitar and then started picking out notes before her voice began weaving the words and melodies of the song and the others joined in.

 

* * *

 

As the fire burned down, the rest of the party slowly started departing. Thom had agreed to take Sera and Dagna home, and Dorian and Bull had walked from their condo at the other end of the beach. Soon, it was just Cullen, Thea, Cat, and himself. At some point during the evening, Cat had leaned up against his shoulder and had remained there, her breathing steady and warm against his skin. Nathaniel risked tilting his head closer to her briefly, inhaling the warm scent of vanilla on her skin.

“Bad news, kitten,” Thea yawned, nuzzling her head against Cullen’s chest. “I think our Catkin there has fallen asleep.”

He glanced down and realized that Thea was right. Cataline was fast asleep against his shoulder. “What do I do?”

Cullen smiled. “Depends. How do you like your odds that she inherited the Mac Eanraig tendency to be grumpy when they’re woken from a sound sleep?”

“I am _not_ grumpy,” Thea grumbled beside him, but she was clearly too sleepy to put up much of a fight.

“Of course not, my Starshine,” Cullen leaned down and kissed her forehead, then looked back at Nathaniel. “Better wake her up. She can stay with us tonight. I know Thea keeps spare toothbrushes and such for this kind of thing.”

He nodded, then gently shook Cat’s shoulder. “Cataline? Wake up. We need to go back up to the house.”

She stirred and sat up, the sudden absence of her warmth as jarring to him as if he’d plunged into the sea itself. Cat smiled up at him, and his heart leapt in his chest. Nathaniel couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to wake up to that smile every morning. They stood and shook out the blankets, then began the trek up to the main house. To his surprise, Cataline slipped her hand into his, holding on until they reached the back door.

As he turned to walk back down to the Loft, she held on to his hand, pulling him back to her. Standing on her tip toes, she brushed a feather soft kiss against his cheek. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?” He asked, his hand reaching up involuntarily to brush a strand of hair from her eyes.

She shrugged.

“Just… thank you.”

 


	11. When Love Was Wilder

_Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile._   
_The precious moments are all lost in the tide._   
_They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,_   
_The feeling of belonging to your dreams._

 -“Listen to Your Heart” by DHT feat. Edmee

 

* * *

 

 

“I will handle it, Catkin,” Thea’s voice sounded tired, even through the distortion of the phone. “I know that it is still raw for you, and-”

“No,” Cataline interrupted, “No, Thea, it is time I started taking responsibility for this. If Cass really thinks she has something… if she really has proof…”

“I trust her,” Thea confirmed. “I have no doubt that she would not be calling us in unless it was important. And, for what it’s worth, it would be nice to see you again outside of the office.”

Cat felt a twinge of guilt. For the past two weeks, ever since the bonfire on the beach, she had been avoiding Nathaniel and, by extension, Thea. She had let her guard down that night; an overcompensation for running away from him that morning, she supposed, and now she was afraid she had stepped too far. The situation was made all the more difficult by the fact that Cat knew Thea’s loyalties were, through no fault of her own, divided. Thea was trying her best to do right by both of them, and it was starting to wear on the younger woman. Nathaniel, for his part, was either trying to give her space or was simply indifferent to her absence.

“Yeah, Thea,” she sighed. “I know. And I am sorry. I will come down to the station with you to talk to Cassandra.”

The line was silent for a moment, and Cat suspected Thea had been fully prepared to be turned down. “Thank you, Cat,” she said. “Cass said she’ll be in meetings most of the day, but can you swing by around 4:30?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then. And Thea? Eat something, ok? I know you probably haven’t since dinner.”

“Yes, mom,” her cousin laughed. “Bye, Cat.”

“Bye, Thea.” Cat ended the call and set her phone down on the desk in her home office before staring out the window. The sky was grey and heavy with a rare summer rainstorm, but somehow the weather was calming to her heart. Cataline had always liked the rain; she and Thea both had. They had spent many a soggy day inside the house, helping Eleanor bake cookies before squirreling away as many as they could get away with and curling up in one of their rooms with a book and a pot of tea. She idly wondered if Thea still had a passion for the ginger molasses cookies she had favored as a child. Maybe she should bake a batch as a peace offering.

Her day seemed to go by more quickly than they had been as of late. Cat had just pulled the last pan of cookies out of the oven when she glanced at the clock and realized it was time for her to meet Cass and Thea at the station. She threw on an oversized navy blue sweater over her shorts and t shirt and stacked the cookies in a brown paper bag before leaving. The drive downtown wasn’t too far, but Cat switched off the radio in irritation after managing to find three stations all playing love songs within a five minute timeframe. _Not where I need my mind to be right now_.

When she reached the imposing stone edifice that housed the Denerim Police Department, she took a deep breath, then entered the building. She passed a few casual remarks with Jim, the slightly over eager desk clerk, and slipped him a couple of the ginger cookies before following the familiar path down the hall to Inspector Pentaghast’s office. It has been almost a year since she had been here; Thea had dealt with most of it, yet the halls of the DPD were still painfully familiar. When she arrived, the door was still closed, so Cat took a seat on the bench nearby.

“Let me guess: judging by the intoxicating scent of ginger molasses cookies coming from that bag, you’re feeling guilty about upsetting Thea?”

Cataline felt her spirits lift as she turned and looked at the willowy red-headed woman who had approached her on feet so silent it was almost as if she had materialized out of thin air. “Leliana!” She stood and embraced her old and, outside of Thea, dearest friend. “When did you get back?” She knew the other woman had been on a sabbatical after a difficult mission dealing with her former mentor and lover. As the head of the Fereldan Intelligence Service, the infamous spy rarely got involved in operations directly anymore, but Marjolaine had been an exception.

“Just a few days ago,” Leliana replied in her lilting Orlesian accent. “I would have been in touch sooner, but catching up with things here has kept me on my toes.”

Cat sat back down, shifting so that her friend could join her. “Are you here to see Cass as well?”

Leliana gave her small, secretive smile. “I am here to see both of you, actually. Cassandra asked me to come down because she believes my particular skill set may be of use in her investigation into your parents’ deaths. I intend to do everything in my power to help her.”

“Thank you, Lel,” Cat squeezed her hand gratefully before offering her the paper bag. “Cookie?”

“Please,” the other woman laughed, accepting one from the proffered bag. “So. What is wrong between you and Theadosia? I know these are her favorites.”

Cat looked down at her hands. She knew that if she met Leliana’s gaze, she would end up spilling everything. “We’re… ok. I have been avoiding her. Well, not really her, but… it’s complicated.”

“I see,” Leliana observed, taking a delicate nibble from her cookie. “And would ‘complicated’s’ name happen to be Nathaniel Howe?”

“Oh for… how in Andraste’s ass do you already know about that?”

Leliana held her hands up in a gesture that clearly said ‘…um, spy?’ Cataline’s frustration must have shown on her face, because her friend wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders and leaned her head against hers. “So. The eldest son has returned. I wondered when he would.”

Cat frowned. “To hear him talk about it, he never intended to come back. It was only because of what has happened over the past year that he returned.”

“So he says,” Leliana shrugged her free shoulder. “I know you and Thea have both resisted the temptation to have me track him down, and I have honored your wishes, but I always had a suspicion that something, or perhaps some _one_ would draw him back to Denerim. And my suspicions are usually right.”

“Do you even know how irritating you are when you are right?” Cataline grumbled, and Leliana laughed, planting a kiss on the top of her head.

“I assume that you have been avoiding Thea because she has been taking his side? I know how close they were before he left.”

“Thea has been doing her best to _not_ take sides,” Cat sighed, “but I think I at least am driving her to exasperation. She seems to think that Nate and I have unresolved feelings that need to be addressed-”

“Which you do, clearly,” Leliana interrupted. “That man is hopelessly in love with you, and you are clearly head over heels for him. Why will you not allow yourself to be happy?”

Cat swallowed hard. She hated to admit it, but Leliana _was_ obscenely good at reading people. If she really thought that Nathaniel felt that way about her… “Wait a minute,” she sat up and narrowed her eyes at her friend. “How do you know how he feels?”

Leliana’s smile broadened just a shade. “It is possible that you were not the first person I contacted after I returned.”

“Oh Lel, you didn’t-”

“Sorry I’m late.” Cat was unable to finish her thought as Thea dashed into the hall, still dressed in the expertly tailored suit she had worn to work and maneuvering surprisingly well in her heels. Her face broke out in a grin when she saw them. “Leliana! You’re home!” Leliana stood and accepted a warm hug from Thea, looking back and giving Cat a subtle wink. Before Cat could come up with a properly scathing response, Cassandra’s door opened and she ushered them into her office.

“Thank you for coming, ladies.” Cass pulled a file stuffed with papers out of her desk drawer. For all the modernization she couldn’t fight, the inspector still clung to some of her low-tech habits. “Cataline, I know this has been difficult, and I appreciate your being here.”

Cat nodded mutely, and she suddenly felt as if her heart had dropped into her stomach. _Why did I come here? Thea could have handled this… I shouldn’t be here…_

“You said you found something, Cass?” Thea took the lead, giving Cat’s hand a comforting squeeze.

“I did. Or at least, I believe so,” Cassandra nodded. “After combing through dozens of unsolved crimes through southern Thedas, Detective Hendyr and I found a pattern.” She opened the file and spread out a series of documents. “In each of these occurrences, the initial ruling was that it was a mugging gone wrong, but when we took a closer look that they were almost identical crimes to the murder of the Couslands: a figure in power with a great deal of influence, no trace of the suspects, too many valuables left behind… it was a stretch, but we ran ballistics and sure enough, the same gun was used in six of the seven of these murders. And interestingly enough, each death led to a major power shift somewhere else, be it business or politics or even high society.”

“So… so it wasn’t random?” Cat’s voice caught in her throat. “They really were targeted?”

“That is what the evidence points to, yes,” Cassandra confirmed. “We have something to go on now, and if we continue to look for similar crimes, we may be able to pick something up. I would stake my career on this being a professional job, which is why I have asked Leliana to join us.”

Leliana inclined her head in agreement. “I intend to put out some feelers. I still have contacts with most of the current assassin guilds. If there are answers there, it will simply be a matter of sifting through the lies and intrigue to get at them. And that,” she smiled, “is where I am in my element.”

 

* * *

 

 

Thea shrugged off her linen suit jacket and Cat pulled her sweater off over her head as they stepped out of the cool stone halls of the DPD and back into the oppressive heat of summer. The brief respite the rain had offered was over, and the sun was back out and shining. Leliana had stayed behind to discuss some other business with Cassandra, and the two cousins had left together. Now they stood on the sidewalk, neither speaking at first.

“Thanks for the cookies, Catkin,” Thea gave her a half smile.

“You’re welcome,” she replied. “I figured it was the least I could do. I know… I know I have not been around much lately.”

“He keeps asking me about you, you know,” Thea said quietly, her tone unusually subdued. “I don’t know what to tell him.”

_That I love him. That ever since he came back it is torture not to be with him, to see him smile, to hear his voice. That I go to bed every night and lie awake thinking about him_.

Cat sighed. “I don’t know either, Thea.”

Her cousin shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yeah. Ok. Listen,” she linked her arm with hers as they started walking towards their cars. “Why don’t you come to the bar tonight? I’m singing, but Cullen is having one of his bad days and can’t come. I could really use the company.”

She could hear the subtle plea in Thea’s voice. With another deep exhalation, she nodded. “Ok, Thea. I’ll be there.”

 

* * *

 

“Violets!” Varric greeted her with enthusiasm, and Ravenna came around the bar to wrap her in a warm hug. “We were starting to think you’d abandoned us and we would have to live out the rest of our lives without the light of your presence.”

Cat rolled her eyes at the dwarf’s exaggeration, but laughed nonetheless. Despite the emotional exhaustion she had felt earlier in the day, she had to admit it was good to be back. The last time she had been to The Hanged Man had been the night she had sung; the night when she had found out Nathaniel was back. A few of their friends were there as well: she could see Thom sitting by the stage, casting a roving eye on the crowd in case anyone got too close to Thea, and Sera and her wife Dagna were tucked into a corner booth giggling over something. She was getting ready to ask Varric for her usual when someone slid a cup over to her.

“Varric told me it was your favorite. I see you still have a taste for ginger.”

Cat looked over, and felt her heart flutter. Nathaniel gave her a small smile as she accepted the minrathous mule in its distinctive hammered copper cup. “Thank you,” she smiled back. “So. Did Thea just happen to mention I’d be here, or do you offer drinks to all the strange women who walk up to the bar?”

He chuckled quietly. “Only the particularly beautiful ones. And how do you know I have not simply been here _every_ night and ordering one on the off chance you would be here?”

For a moment, she forgot how to breathe, and her eyes met his. Despite the easy tenor in his voice, his eyes were dark with an expression that Cataline suspected she recognized, but was too afraid to name. “In that case, I would certainly hope you like ginger as much as I do.”

His smile widened just a fraction. “If it makes you feel any better, Thea did not tell me you would be here tonight. I am usually here when she sings, and I know she needed the extra support tonight, since Cullen is not well.”

_That brat_ , Cat closed her eyes briefly, _she didn’t_ really _need me here._ “I admit, I am a little surprised this is your type of place. I mean, we love it, but it is a little… low key.”

“On the contrary,” he corrected her, and she found herself following him to one of the sofas in front of the stage. “This is _exactly_ the type of place I like: good drinks, good music, and,” he paused, his gaze focusing on her, “under the right circumstances, good company.”

Cat could feel the blush rising in her cheeks, but she was saved from having to come up with a suitable response by the appearance of Thea on the stage. Her cousin gave them both a small half smile when she spotted them, but gave no other indication that she had set them up. Instead, she stepped up to the mic.

“Alright kittens, why don’t we start the evening by taking some requests? I’m feeling daring.” Varric approached the stage and handed her a piece of paper. Thea unfolded it, frowned slightly, and looked at her friend. Varric just shrugged and mumbled something only Thea could hear, then stepped away.

“Ok, I have not done this one in awhile, so hopefully I don’t disappoint anyone,” Thea flashed a brief, almost nervous smile at the crowd, glancing in the direction of someone Cataline couldn’t see from where she was sitting. “Are we dedicating this to anyone in particular?” Whatever she saw, or heard, Thea’s eyes flicked briefly in Cat and Nathaniel’s direction before she just nodded, then sat down at the piano and began playing a melody that Cat recognized all too well.

“ _I know there’s something in the wake of your smile…_ ”

Cat glanced at Nathaniel, and she could see that he knew the song too and, unfortunately, the lyrics were probably not lost on him. He looked at her, and she could feel her chest tightening and her heart racing.

“ _Listen to your heart… I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why. But listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye._ ”

 

  


	12. Like a Lover So

_So she took her love for to gaze awhile upon the fields of barley_   
_In his arms she fell as her hair came down among the fields of gold_   
_Will you stay with me, will you be my love among the fields of barley?_   
_We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in fields of gold._

-“Fields of Gold” by Sting

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s my fault, Nate. I should have never accepted that damn request.” Thea handed him a beer and then took a long drink from her own as they sat on her back porch, looking out towards the sea. “I should have known she would run again.”

Nathaniel didn’t blame Thea; not really. After she had finished the song the previous night and moved to the next one with almost unseemly haste, Cat had stood up and said she needed some fresh air. She had never come back in, and Thea had been berating herself ever since. “I do not think there is anything you could have done, Thea,” he sighed. “As much as I appreciate what you are trying to do, I think I have to come to terms with the fact that Cat just does not feel the same way as I do.”

Cullen joined them, sitting on the other side of Thea on the porch swing and shaking his head. “You know damn well that is not true.”

“This has not been an easy year for any of us, you included,” Thea noted. “Cataline has had her emotions run through the wringer, and now she is panicking because her feelings for you are strong enough that it is becoming untenable for her to try and suppress them, which is her default response when things start getting out of hand. She has always been the calm, level-headed one, and now she has to deal with something she can’t control.”

“She is not running from _you_ , Nathaniel,” Cullen pointed out quietly. “She is running away from what she desperately wants to have _with_ you. Cataline is afraid of losing you again, and she is not certain if she could bear another heartbreak like that. She has spent the last decade trying to forget that she loved you.”

“And failing,” Thea interjected, her tone arch. “I would bet my life that woman has never _once_ stopped loving you.”

“Wait,” Nathaniel closed his eyes and tried to process what he was hearing, “what do you mean the last _decade_?”

Thea and Cullen exchanged a glance, then looked back to him wearing almost matching expressions of incredulity. “You’re kidding, right?” Thea asked, uncertainty lacing the question. He shook his head, and she took a deep breath. “Oh, kitten… Cataline has been crazy about you ever since we were children. I assume it started out as a crush, then became something much deeper and stronger as we grew up. I think the only reason she was so hesitant to say anything was because she thought that you could never feel the same way about her. Because your _father_ wouldn’t approve.” Thea practically spat the last sentence.

“Andraste’s blood,” he murmured, leaning his head back. “And _you_ never saw fit to mention something? You are my best friend!”

She threw up her hands in frustration. “Would you have believed me? It was glaringly obvious to everyone _except_ Cataline that you had feelings for her too, but you weren’t acting on them either. It took me an embarrassingly long time to convince her to finally say something, and then you up and disappeared. Based on our current conversation, I’m guessing she never got the chance.”

“Maker take me,” the memory fell into place like the last piece of a puzzle, “that morning I left… she had come looking for me. She said she had wanted to tell me something, but when she saw I was leaving, she said it… she said it didn’t matter anymore.” He buried his head in his hands, and he felt Thea put a kind hand on his back.

“Nathaniel, look at me,” she took his face in both her hands and gently moved his head so that he was facing her. “You cannot do anything about the past. But one of you has to break this stalemate, and this time I think it has to be you. If you love Cataline as much as she loves you, which, for the record, is a staggering amount, you need to tell her.”

He took her hands, kissing the backs of them, and carefully set them on her lap, then stood and stepped to the edge of the porch. To his surprise, Cullen did the same, standing by his side as they looked over the horizon. “You know,” the other man said, “when I need to clear my head, I find it helps to just take a long walk, and this is the perfect time of day for it. If you go now, you will be back in time for dinner.”

“I think that is a very good idea,” Thea spoke up behind them, and when he turned to face her he was surprised to see a small smile curving at her lips, her fingers idly toying with her locket. “At least, it couldn’t hurt. We can talk more when you come back. Or not, if that is what you prefer. Personally, I have found that drinking until I cannot feel feelings anymore works well too. Until the next morning, anyways.”

Nathaniel managed a wry smile, then took a long, deep breath. “Maybe you are right.” A walk _would_ probably do him some good right at the moment. He needed to process everything he had just been told, and decide what, if anything, he could do about it. He ventured down to his own home, depositing his shoes at the front door so they didn’t collect sand, then continued down to the dunes, purposely going in the opposite direction than that which led into town and past Cataline’s apartment.

Cullen was right: it was the perfect time of day to be outside on the beach. The afternoon sun was on its descent, but there was probably still three or so hours of daylight left. The sea was calm but for the waves that rolled almost lazily onto the shore, and a soft breeze tousled the beach grass as he passed through it. The beach itself was mostly deserted, with most of the tourists favoring the warmer and more sheltered coves and parks further north.

_What in the void am I doing here?_ He picked up a stone and tossed it idly into the water. If what Thea and Cullen said was true, and he had no real reason to believe they were lying to him, then leaving Denerim all those years ago had been the single biggest mistake of his life. He would have endured any amount of disapproval from his father if he could have stayed with Cataline and tried to build a life with her. Maybe they could have left together, or maybe he could have simply built up the backbone to not care what his father thought. How could he not have realized that she felt the same? How much had he missed by not being there?

_And is it too late to fix things?_

“Nathaniel?”

He froze, his head dropping briefly to his chest before he turned around to face Cataline. Somehow, every time he saw her she looked more beautiful than the last. Her long ginger hair was woven into its usual braid, and the loose fitting, midnight blue top she wore exposed her pale shoulders. When she looked at him, the light in her eyes was shadowed by guilt.

“I stopped by your house, but you weren’t there. Thea mentioned you may have come this way,” she explained, brushing a lock of hair away from her violet eyes.

“You were looking for me?”

“Yes, I… I wanted to apologize.” She looked down at her clasped hands. “For last night. I should not have run off on you like that. And for just… not being around, the past couple of weeks.”

“Cataline,” he stepped closer to her. “It is alright. I understand.”

She gave a small, weak laugh. “I know you do. Which is why I feel even worse for the way I have been acting. I’m a grown woman, and yet I still can’t…” Cat let the thought trail off unfinished. She stared off in the direction she had come. “Walk back with me?” She asked. He nodded, falling into step beside her as she turned.

Neither one of them spoke, the silence hanging heavy between them. At some point, he heard Cat absently begin humming a song that he _almost_ felt he recognized. “What is that?” He asked, trying to pin the tune. “I feel like…”

Cat paused, looking down at the field of dune grass. Then, in her heartbreakingly clear and beautiful voice, she began to sing, and as each word passed her lips the song returned to him.

_“Will you stay with me, will you be my love, among the fields of barley? We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in fields of gold. See the west wind move like a lover so, upon the fields of barley…”_ Her voice faltered, but he knew what came next.

_Feel her body rise, as you kiss her mouth, among the fields of gold…_

In the back of his mind, he heard Thea’s voice. _One of you has to break the stalemate, and this time I think it has to be you._ He knew how he felt about Cat. He knew that he could not keep going on like this, not knowing if she still felt the same way as she had all those years ago. Nathaniel decided to take a risk. Closing the distance between them, he reached out and took her hands in his.

“Cat? That day I left Denerim, you said that you had not known I had planned on leaving, and that your finding out was happenstance. You said that you had come to tell me something. What were you going to tell me?”

“I…” she took a deep breath, but did not look him in the eye. “I came to tell you that I loved you, Nathaniel. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, and that I had for years, and to see if maybe, just possibly, there was any chance that you felt the same. To ask if you might love me, too.”

“Cataline,” he murmured, reaching a hand up to run along her cheek, tilting her chin up so that he could look her in the eyes. “What stopped you?”

“I refused to be the reason that you stayed and continued to be beaten down. I just wanted you to be happy, and if that meant leaving me behind, then I had to accept that,” she whispered. “I was not lying when I said I knew that you had to leave. I just… I wish that you had not needed to.”

Nathaniel took a deep breath, almost afraid to voice the words he knew he had to speak next. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and when she placed her hands gently against his chest he could feel that she was trembling slightly despite the warmth of the sun. “And how do you feel now, Cataline?”

She hesitated for only a moment before she spoke, her words filled with certainty. “I love you, Nathaniel Howe. I love you more than I did the day you lied to protect my cousin and I first realized how I felt about you. I love you more than the day you left Denerim and I felt like my heart would never be whole again. If it is possible, I love you more than I did two minutes ago. I-”

But the rest of her words were cut off as his mouth met hers. He kissed her, long and slow, trying to drink in every part of her. Her tongue brushed against his, and he could taste the sweet notes of the mint and honey she had drunk in her tea. Her body pressed closer to him, her arms twining around his neck as if she was afraid to let him go. Nathaniel breathed deep through his nose, losing himself in the warm scent of vanilla that he still remembered from that cool summer morning so many years past, and he moved one of his hands to cradle the back of her neck even as her fingers tangled in his hair.

He was not certain how long they stayed that way; he only knew that when they finally parted it had not been nearly long enough. Holding her close, he brushed his hand against her cheek, tracing the elegant lines of her cheekbones and jaw, trying to commit every detail to memory in case she came to her senses. Leaning down, he kissed her again, softly.

“The answer to your question, by the way, is yes,” he murmured against her ear. “I love you, Cataline Alexandria Cousland. I always have, and I swear I always will. I love you.”

 


	13. No Place I’d Rather Be

_We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea_   
_But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be_   
_I would wait forever, exalted in the scene_   
_As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat._

-“Rather Be” by Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne

 

* * *

 

 

Cataline had no idea how long they stood there on the shore. Time had stopped as soon as Nathaniel’s lips met hers, and the rest of the world had simply fallen away except for the taste of him and the feeling of being held in his arms. She honestly could not decide if she wanted to laugh or cry at the fulfillment of so many years worth of longing and hoping and dreaming. Even when their mouths finally parted, they simply stood there holding each other, her head nestled against his chest while he whispered all the things she had wanted to hear for years.

_I love you, Cataline Alexandria Cousland. I always have, and I swear I always will. I love you._

“I suppose we should probably start back,” she sighed. “Although I can’t say I am terribly inclined to do so. Still, Thea and Cullen may be wondering what happened.”

“Oh, I seriously doubt that,” Nathaniel laughed softly, “but you are probably right. I think they were waiting to start dinner until we came back. You realize, of course, that your cousin is probably going to be impossible now.”

“Worth it,” Cataline whispered, leaning up to brush another kiss against his lips. “You are so, _so_ worth it.”

“As are you, love,” he murmured, sending a shiver through her entire body. “So,” his hand reached out and gently lifted the arrow pendant from where it lay against her chest, “you are certain Thea gave you this because _you_ enjoy archery?”

Cat laughed. “Alright, yes. You caught me. That brat knew what it would mean to me. When I asked her why she was giving it to me, she just said ‘to remember.’ As if I had ever forgotten.”

“I have never seen you without it,” his fingers drifted along her collarbone to her bare shoulder, and her breath caught in her throat. She caught his hand in hers and pressed a kiss against his knuckles.

“And I have never once _not_ had you on my mind.”

Nathaniel smiled, and she laced her fingers with his as they slowly made their way back up the beach, the late afternoon sun gilding the world with a golden sheen that seemed to seep its way into her very skin. Or perhaps it was simply that the warmth in her heart was radiating outwards, blending with the summer sun and giving her the sensation of positively glowing.

Thea and Cullen were sitting on the back porch when they arrived back at the house. To her credit, her cousin did not act as if anything was particularly out of the ordinary, and if she noted that she and Nathaniel had walked up hand in hand, she did not say a word. Instead, she just set her beer on the table and tossed her head in the direction of the kitchen. “Hey Catkin, want to help me cut up the watermelon? Cullen is just going to grill up some burgers it that’s ok with you guys.”

Cat couldn’t help but smile at the underlying assumption that both she and Nathaniel would be staying. She reluctantly slipped her hand from his to follow her cousin into the kitchen, but not before he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in for another kiss that left her absolutely dizzy. He leaned down long enough to whisper a soft “I love you” against her ear, then walked over to where Cullen was manning the grill. Cat stepped inside and joined her cousin at the sink, accepting pieces of melon to de-seed as Thea cut them up. Neither of them said anything at first, but she could tell the younger woman was practically buzzing with unasked questions.

Finally, Thea couldn’t resist any longer. “So…?” she asked expectantly.

“So, what?” Cat teased.

Thea rolled her eyes. “You know damn well what. You. And Nate. Are you… did he…?”

Cat bit back a smile, and Thea did something she almost never did: gave a loud shriek of sheer glee. Out back, Cullen and Nate looked back towards the open kitchen window with raised eyebrows. “We’re fine,” Thea called with an uncharacteristic grin, “everything’s fine. Here.” Both women broke out into a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

“Oh, Maker…” Thea gasped when she could finally breathe again. “It’s about damn time. I was about ready to grab a stick to beat the obvious into both of your heads.”

“Oh Thea, really? A stick?”

The younger woman shrugged, still smiling broadly. “I was getting desperate.”

Cat just shook her head, but she couldn’t help but smile too.

 

* * *

 

 

After dinner, she walked with Nathaniel as far as the Loft, stopping outside his door and slipping easily back into his arms. He leaned down and kissed her, his lips surprisingly gentle against her own, and she had to fight to resist the urge to pull him upstairs into his bedroom. As certain as she was in what she wanted, she needed him to be certain too.

“Now that you are not avoiding me anymore,” he teased her gently, “does this mean you will be over for breakfast tomorrow morning? We’ve missed you, you know. Some of us more than others.”

Cat nuzzled against the crook of his neck, breathing in the scents of oak and pine that seemed to cling to him after all his practice sessions in the woods. “Yes, Nathaniel. I promise. You are going to be seeing much, much more of me.” Her cheeks flushed a furious pink as the possible interpretations of her words struck her. “I mean… you will be seeing more of me _here_. And around. I-”

The rest of her flustered explanation was hushed by his mouth finding hers, and she sank into their kiss with an internal sigh of contentment. “Why don’t we just put a pin in that thought. For the moment, at least,” he murmured against her ear, and she felt heat rising in her entire body as he gently brushed her cheek with his hand. “Sleep well, Cataline. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she leaned up and gave him one last kiss on the cheek, then turned and began a slow walk up the beach, her mind racing nearly as much as her heart. When she reached her apartment, she was struck for the first time by how very, very lonely it was, the unpacked boxes staring at her in stark silence. Cat performed her nightly ablutions, and then crawled into bed. Her mind refused to let her drift off into sleep, instead replaying the day over and over again. She lay awake for a long time, staring into the darkness of her room and wondering if he was thinking of her, too.

At some point, sleep claimed her until the alarm on her phone startled her from an extremely pleasant dream that had involved her, Nathaniel, and an utter lack of clothing. She grabbed the offending device to switch off the alarm, and was surprised to see she already had a text. When she saw it was from him, she was suddenly _much_ more awake.

_N: I don’t suppose you would like company on your walk over this morning? I do not want to wait to see you any longer than is absolutely necessary._

Cat smiled to herself, her heart beating a little faster as she replied.

_C: Only if it is your company._

_N: Be there in a bit. I love you._

_C: I love you, too._

She wondered if she would ever grow tired of hearing those three words from him, and quickly decided that she never, ever would. Slipping out of bed, she washed her face and brushed her teeth before then spending _far_ too long standing in front of her closet trying to decide what to wear. Consequently, she was still pulling a comb through her hair when she heard the knock at her door.

Trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach, she opened the door, her face breaking out in a smile when she saw Nathaniel standing there, holding a bouquet of wildflowers that he handed to her as he wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her into a kiss. “Thank you,” she said, closing the door behind him as he stepped into the apartment. “You remembered how much I love wildflowers?”

“I did,” he replied quietly. “Ever since I gave you that first bunch when we were children. Do you remember?”

“Of course I do,” she smiled. “I am simply touched that _you_ remember.” She found a vase to put them in, then stepped back into her bedroom, gesturing for him to follow. “I am sorry I am not quite ready; as much as I enjoy having long hair, it involves a bit more maintenance.”

“I happen to adore your hair, and I think it is well worth the extra wait.” Nathaniel assured her. He stood behind her as she sat at her vanity and reached for the brush. “May I?” She blinked once in surprise, but handed it over to him, her eyes fluttering shut as he carefully brushed her hair back and started to weave an Orlesian braid.

“Where in the world did you learn to braid hair?”

He chuckled quietly. “A family friend, Adria, taught me. Well, she was my mother’s friend, really. That’s why my middle name is Adrian; after her. She honestly did more to raise me than either of my parents did, and Delilah was constantly badgering her to braid her hair. I think Adria knew that, sooner or later, she wouldn’t be able to come around anymore. My father had a tendency to shut everyone out who didn’t suit him or his ambitions. That’s why she insisted I learn, so that when she wasn’t there anymore I could still braid Lilah’s hair for her. Honestly, I am a bit surprised I still remember how to do it, but I suppose it is one of those skills you never really forget.”

The faint trace of regret in his voice sent a wave of pain through her heart. “Nathaniel… I’m sorry.”

She knew he understood what she meant. He bent down and brushed a kiss against the top of her head. “It’s alright, Cat. It has been a long time. To be honest, I am more concerned with all the boxes I am seeing in your apartment at the moment. Are you planning on moving away?”

“No,” she laughed, touched by the worry in his tone, “I am just terrible at unpacking. If you can believe it, those boxes have been there since I moved into this place. I suppose I have just had a hard time thinking of it as home.”

Cat felt Nathaniel’s hands pause briefly, and she could hear him release the breath he had been holding. “So you have never considered moving back to Highever?”

She shook her head, careful not to disturb his work. “No. Fergus and Orianna kept the house; it was just too painful for me to stay. I could technically still work from there; I work from home half the time anyways, but it is easier to be here. Besides, all my friends are here. More importantly, _you_ are here.” She glanced in the mirror and caught him smiling as he tied off the braid. He held out his hands to her and she took them in her own, letting him help her up and pulling her into his arms.

“I am not certain if I will ever be able to forgive myself for not being here for you, Cataline. You have had to endure far more than you ever should have.”

“Hush, Nathaniel,” she tilted her head so that he could see her eyes. “You have had to deal with your own pain. There is no reason you should carry mine too.”

“My relationship with my family was never as strong as yours was,” he protested. “Honestly, had I not felt the need to try and protect Delilah, I doubt I would have been as driven to return to find my father. Maker knows he did not give a damn when I disappeared.”

Cat leaned her head against his chest. “ _I_ cared, Nathaniel. I still care, so you had better not plan on disappearing again.”

“Never,” he promised, resting his head against hers and tightening his arms around her. “I do not intend to make the same mistake twice.”

“Do you still plan on trying to find your father?” She asked uncertainly.

He paused, and when he answered, his voice held none of the doubt she feared it would.

“I think my priorities have changed.”


	14. The Tune She Hums

_Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band_   
_Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man_   
_Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand_   
_And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand._

 -“Tiny Dancer” by Elton John

 

* * *

 

 

It was difficult to leave Cataline’s apartment. Even after he had finished plaiting her long, silky hair they had sat there for long minutes just holding each other. Every so often, one of them would whisper a fervent “I love you,” but it was enough simply to be there with her, and to know that after all the time they had lost, they had the rest of their lives to look forward to. Nathaniel intended to never let her go again.

Finally, he stood and helped her up, taking both of her hands in his but unable to resist the urge to pull her close and kiss her, and his heart melted when he felt her lips curve up in a smile even while they were pressed against his. When she slipped her warm hand under the back of his shirt and gently rubbed the muscles there, he almost lost what little sense he maintained around her and pulled her down onto the bed. Maker, he wanted her, but… he had to be certain she was ready. He had waited this long, and he was willing to wait until the end of time if only it meant he could keep her in his life.

They walked hand in hand down the beach back towards Thea’s house, talking about the little things: places he had travelled, and places he wanted to take her; the bizarre quirks of running the largest shipping empire in southern Thedas; details about Thea and Delilah’s weddings.

“Wait… so Thea didn’t even wear shoes at her own wedding?” He laughed, but somehow he already knew the answer to his question.

Cat shook her head, smiling slightly. “Well, she wore them during the ceremony in the chantry. They were beautiful, silver with intricate beading and flowers. They were also impossibly uncomfortable, and as soon as they were at the reception she stowed them away somewhere and ran around barefoot.”

Nathaniel gave a small sigh. “I wish I could have been there.” Cat squeezed his hand and leaned closer to him.

“I know, love, but you’re here now. That is what matters, and you know Thea would tell you the same thing.”

“Tell him what?” Her cousin bounded down the dune steps and wrapped them both in an exuberant embrace, and for once she was actually smiling, bright and radiant. “That if he leaves again I _will_ have Leliana track him down and break both his legs?”

“Is it my legs now? I thought it was my kneecaps,” he bent down and brushed a kiss against her forehead before she turned and led them back up the lawn towards the main house. “Are you going soft on me, Teddy?”

She shot him a glance of mock innocence over her shoulder. “What can I say? I am _such_ a good person.” Thea slipped into the kitchen to start bringing the food out to the back porch, and Nathaniel took a seat next to Cataline and across from Bull and Dorian.

Dorian gave a theatrical sigh when he saw the two of them together. “Well, there goes your stellar productivity, Mr. Howe. I know that look. Our stunning Ms. Cousland there is going to prove quite the distraction.” The Tevinter gave him a wink even as Cat rolled her eyes good naturedly.

“Are you certain you are not just disappointed I’ve been spoken for, Dorian?” Nathaniel raised his eyebrow, and for a brief moment his employer was stunned into silence. Then, he burst out in laughter.

“Andraste’s ass, you _do_ have a sense of humor! I knew it was buried there somewhere. Good on you, Cataline, for bringing that aspect out. You two are going to be perfect together.” Dorian reached across the table and patted Cat’s free hand affectionately, and Bull gave a nod of approval.

“Wait, say it again, I missed it!” Thea pushed the back door open with her hip, passing food to Dorian to set on the table.

“Dorian was just whining about Nate’s newly taken status,” Bull grinned. “I keep telling you, Kadan, if you want me to find someone else for us to play with…”

“Oh, shush,” Dorian grumbled. “Cullen, pass the waffles would you?”

The group sank into easy conversation, especially when Thea started pouring mimosas instead of just coffee. “Speaking of drinking,” Cat spoke up as she took a sip, “when are you back at the bar?”

“To what end?” Thea gave her half smile. “If we’re talking in a purely social capacity, I am not certain. Could be tomorrow, could be days. As far as singing, I am back on this Friday. Unless _you_ want to take my shift, cousin dear?”

Cat leaned against him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, holding her close. She shook her head. “Not particularly, darling. You are far braver than I am.”

“Hardly,” Thea snorted. “I have simply discovered the perfect ratio of drinks to anxiety. Will you all come anyways, for moral support?”

“Of course, Thea,” Nathaniel confirmed, looking down at Cat. “And will you be willing to join me?”

“Of course.” She smiled, and he felt warmth blossom through his entire body. He saw Cullen take Thea’s hand under the table, and Bull and Dorian exchanged a knowing smile. The idyllic moment was shaken by the insistent ring of the telephone inside the house.

“I’ll get it,” Thea hopped up, leaving behind a still mostly full plate of food. He saw Cat frown slightly, but decided not to bring it up. Yet. Instead, he helped her start carrying in the breakfast dishes into the kitchen to begin rinsing them for the dishwasher. They worked in comfortable silence, occasionally pausing to press a gentle kiss to one another’s lips or cheek, or to simply stop and smile at each other.

“You were a dancer, weren’t you?” He asked suddenly, watching as she arched onto one leg to place a hand washed platter high up on a shelf, her other leg held slightly off the floor and pointed out at the toe.

“I was, for many years,” she laughed. “How did you know?”

“Aside from your obvious grace, you just carry yourself as though you were a dancer,” he dried his hands on a dish towel and leaned against the counter. “Why did you stop?”

She shrugged. “I had gone as far as I was ever going to with it. I was never going to be a prima ballerina or anything: even if I had been willing to put in the time and commitment, I simply do not have the right body type for it. ‘Too top heavy, and too hippy,’ I was told.” She smiled ruefully. “Thea never even tried ballet. I’m only a bit taller than she is, I suppose, but we are both built a bit more with a tendency towards curves.”

Nathaniel took her hand and pulled her close to him, his hands tracing the hourglass dip of her waist down to her hips and his fingers brushing ever so slightly against her backside. “I happen to like your curves,” he murmured against her ear, resisting the urge to smirk when he heard the subtle hitch in her breath. “You are, beyond question, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

“Careful, Nathaniel,” she looked up at him, a teasing smile on her lips and her long lashes lowered over her eyes, “you keep that up, I might end up following you home.”

He ran his thumb down the back of her neck, leaning his forehead against hers and trying to pretend he didn’t notice the way her breasts brushed against his chest when she inhaled.

“ _Promise?_ ”

A quiet cough came from the doorway. They glanced over and saw Cullen balancing leftovers. “As much as I hate to interrupt, and Thea would probably kill me if she knew I did, but have either of you two seen her since she took that phone call?”

“No,” Cat suddenly frowned and stepped away, grabbing one of the plates from Cullen. “Nate, would you go see if you can find her?”

“Sure,” he nodded. It would probably be best if he took a moment to breathe anyways, lest he try and sneak out with Cataline back to his house. Maker, but she was being impossible. He had _never_ wanted someone as badly as he wanted her. But then, he had never _loved_ anyone as much as he loved her. Stepping into the hall, he ascended the stairs and knocked quietly on the door to Thea and Cullen’s home office. Opening the door, he saw Thea sitting at her desk with her head in her hands.

“Thea?” He asked uncertainly. “Are you alright, Teddy girl?”

She looked up, and he could see that she was debating whether or not she was actually willing to divulge anything. Finally, she sighed and stood up, moving over to the window seat overlooking the front yard with its towering pine trees, fingers toying with her locket. “I don’t know, Nate. That was Cassandra. They were able to trace the assassins, to a specific group out of Antiva, and now she is fairly certain they will be able to trace the money back to whoever ordered the hit.”

Nathaniel sat beside her, letting her rest her bare feet on his lap as she leaned back, her brow furrowed. “Isn’t that a good thing?” He questioned. “I thought that was what you wanted. To find answers? To see justice for Eleanor and Bryce?”

“I thought so too,” she stared out the window, “but I can’t help but feel like maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it would be better to have just left well enough alone. I…” She looked at him. “Cat is happy now, Nate. She’s happy with you, _you’re_ finally happy, and I don’t want to do _anything_ to jeopardize that. What if the answers we find aren’t what she wants to hear?”

“Thea, I know you’re just trying to protect her, and I love you for it, but she deserves the truth. Even if it hurts.” He held out his hand and took hers. “Besides, you both have each other, and now you both have me. I am not going to let you face this alone. Either of you. And I have a feeling Cullen would tell you exactly the same thing.”

“As a matter of fact, he would,” the other man gave them a small smile as he entered the room and took Thea’s other hand in his. “We were worried when you never came back down,” he bent down and kissed his wife’s forehead. “Dorian and Bull had to run, but Cat will probably be up shortly as well. She was just making you another cup of coffee, although fair warning, she may hold it hostage until you eat a biscuit or something.”

“She can try,” Thea grumbled.

True to Cullen’s prediction, Cat entered shortly after he did, carrying a cup of coffee and pressing it and a buttered biscuit into Thea’s hand. Nathaniel caught the younger woman sticking her tongue out briefly when Cat had her back turned, but she winked at him as she obediently began to nibble at the pastry. “Alright, Teddy. Better fill us in.”

Thea took a sip of coffee, then swung her legs off of his lap and began pacing the length of the office as Cat sat beside him and Cullen took Thea’s spot. “I was on the phone with Cass. They were able to trace the murders to a specific cell of the Antivan crows. Turns out Leliana was able to track Zevran down, and he was quite willing to be helpful when she told him it was a favor for us.”

“Zevran?” Nathaniel looked at Cat, trying not to sound concerned. “Someone I should know?”

“Don’t worry,” she giggled, “he’s _not_ an ex. Well, not one of mine anyways.” She cast a sidelong look in Thea’s direction. The other woman shrugged.

“Oh for… it was about a year, and it was a decade ago. And, hey, it was fun while it lasted. Besides, he’s the one who taught me that trick with the-”

“Maybe we should just focus on what Cass said, love?” Nathaniel could see Cullen’s face growing pink as he cut in.

Thea shrugged, biting back a smile. “I was going to say he taught me the trick to making an Antivan coffee. The thing _you’re_ thinking of was entirely self taught. But yes, I suppose we should focus.” Her face grew serious as she looked to Cataline. “Catkin, Cassandra was able to trace the cell, but it is unlikely she will be able to pinpoint the exact triggerman, even with Lel and Zev helping. Her best bet would be to try and trace the money instead, and see if we can’t nail the bastard that ordered the hit in the first place. However,” Thea paused, holding out her hands at her side, “I find myself at a crossroads. I know this has always been more my crusade than yours and, as I pointed out to Nate, this is the first time in _years_ that I have seen you truly happy. If you want me to drop this right now, I will, no questions asked. What do _you_ want, Cat?”

Nathaniel looked at the woman beside him. Cat’s violet eyes met his gaze, and she laced her fingers with his own. She turned back towards her cousin, who had arched onto her tiptoes in her standard nervous gesture. “Let’s see this through, Thea,” she smiled softly. “One way or another… I feel like I am finally ready for some answers.”


	15. From Your Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW.

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof_   
_You saw her bathing on the roof_   
_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you_   
_She tied you to her kitchen chair_   
_She broke your throne and she cut your hair_   
_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah._

-“Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley

 

* * *

 

 

“Why Violets, are you actually _smiling_?” Varric teased her from behind the bar, sliding her a drink with a smug grin. Cat laughed, because she knew damn well she _was_ smiling more these days. More than she had in years, actually. “Took him long enough to make a move,” Varric continued, lowering his voice conspiratorially, “to be honest, some of us were starting to wonder if there was something wrong with his eyesight because, come on, look at you. The very picture of grace and beauty, right here in my little dive bar.”

“And yet my hearing remains remarkably intact,” Nathaniel spoke up beside her, eyebrow raised in mock exasperation. “I’m standing right here, you know.”

“So you are, Arrows, so you are,” Varric chuckled, then went to help Ven down at the other end of the bar. Ravenna looked once in her direction and gave her a brief glance that clearly said _I hope you know what you’re doing_. Cat sighed internally. She knew that the other woman had hang-ups about the Howe family, and she was right to, but she had also hoped that Ven would be able to see Nathaniel as his own person, or at least manage to be happy for her.

The fleeting interruption to her good mood vanished as Nathaniel placed an arm around her waist and walked with her over to their usual spot. It was hardly the first time they had sat there together, but it was the first time she had been able to curl up next to him and lean her head against his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat as he stroked her hair. This was their first time out _with_ each other, and Cat had put in a little more effort getting ready than she normally would have for a night at The Hanged Man. She had even gone so far as to leave her hair down in its natural waves instead of braiding it, and digging her favorite black sundress out of the back of her closet where it had lived in dejection ever since her last disastrous date.

“I see Varric has deigned me acceptable enough to give a nickname to,” Nathaniel observed, “although I’m still trying to decide how I feel about it.”

Cat laughed softly. “I like it,” she smiled up at him. “Besides, more importantly, the nickname means _he_ likes _you_ , which is always a good thing. Varric is a good guy to have in your corner.”

“Mmm,” he hummed in acceptance, kissing her forehead gently. Cat glanced around the bar as Thea stepped on stage and began doing a brief sound check. It was fairly empty for a Friday night: the weather had been exceptionally good that day, and it felt as though most of Denerim was either at the beach or otherwise engaging in outdoor activities. The patio seating just outside the main doors was packed and keeping Varric and Ven on their toes, but Cat was oddly grateful for the more mellow atmosphere inside.

Suddenly, Nathaniel stood up. “You know,” he mused quietly, “I wonder…” he gave her hand a brief squeeze, and then approached the stage. Thea knelt down, bending her head so that she could hear whatever he told her. Cat watched as her cousin raised her eyebrows in surprise, then as her lips curved up in a small smile. She glanced briefly at Cat before giving Nathaniel a nod and standing back up. Thea dashed backstage, then re-emerged with her favorite guitar. After adjusting the tuning, she began to play.

_“Well I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don’t really care for music, do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah.”_

“Nathaniel…” she whispered, leaning into his arms as he sat back down beside her, “I _love_ this song. She never plays it anymore; she hasn’t since… well, I do not think even Cullen has heard her sing it. The last time she played it was just before they met, I think, and for some reason she seemed so heartbroken at the time that I was certain she would never play it again. I’m amazed she still remembers it.”

“I was hoping you still liked it,” he pressed a kiss to her temple. “I remember both of you singing it years ago. Even then, your voice had me absolutely bewitched, you realize that? I remember badgering Thea constantly to learn the guitar part just so I would have an excuse to listen to you sing.”

“You could have just asked me,” she teased gently. “Poor Thea just about made her fingers bleed over this one, although that would explain why she put in so much effort. She wasn’t able to touch the piano for at least a month, much to the relief of the dog.” His laugh reverberated through his chest and Cat smiled. It was so good to hear him laugh again. The lyrics washed over her as her cousin performed, and she felt a swell of pride in her chest as she noticed that every eye in the bar was fixed on the younger woman on stage.

_Well, nearly everyone_.

Even without looking up, she knew that Nathaniel would be focused only on her, and the knowledge was making her light-headed. As the song ended, he placed a gentle hand under her chin and tilted her head up so that she was facing him, his lips meeting hers softly. Even that simple gesture took her breath away, and when he leaned back she found it difficult to catch her breath. _Maker_ she wanted him.

At the end of her set, Thea hopped down from the stage and accepted the shoes Cat had held onto for her. Nathaniel hugged her tight as Thea brushed off his thanks, but when she wriggled free Cat could see she was smiling. “Listen, you two,” Thea suggested, “why don’t you go ahead home. I’m going to stick around for a little while.”

“Thea dear, we’re your ride,” Cat pointed out, but the other woman just shrugged.

“I need to talk shop with Varric for a bit. Either he or Ven will give me a ride home. Now go. Shoo. Go home.” She gave them one final, half smile, then turned and sauntered up to the bar. Cat stared after her in bemusement.

“I can’t believe we’re being kicked out this early in the evening,” she said as Nathaniel took her hand and walked with her outside. The scorching heat of the day had dissipated to a pleasant, balmy warmth, and high above the city stars were twinkling in the night sky. As they got into the car, he went to turn the key but then paused, and it seemed as though he were trying to decide whether or not to say something.

“It _is_ still early,” he observed. “Do you… do you maybe want to come back to my place for a drink? I doubt my creations will be as impressive as Varric’s, but…”

“Yes.” Cat felt her heartbeat quicken, and she tried to tell herself that this didn’t mean anything, but _oh how she wanted it to_. Instead, she just turned to face him, a small smile on her lips.

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

To their credit, they actually made it in the front door.

_Only just though_ , Cat thought, a moan escaping her lungs as Nathaniel pinned her back against the wall, kissing her with so much heat and passion that she was convinced the only reason she was still standing was because he was holding her up. His lips strayed from hers, kissing a trail along her cheek down the column of her neck, his hands grasping her hips. Cat wrapped her leg around his, pulling him closer until she could feel the hard jut of his erection against her as it strained against his jeans. Her hands moved to the buttons on his shirt, fingers trembling too much from sheer want to make any sort of quick progress, but she had gotten about halfway down when suddenly he stopped. She made a small noise of protest when Nathaniel stepped away, putting some space between them but taking her hands in his own.

“Cat,” he murmured, “I love you. I need to know, though… are you ready for this? Is this what you want?”

“Yes,” she answered without hesitation. “Do you?”

“Maker, _yes_ ,” he replied emphatically. “Should I go-”

She shook her head. “Implant. I still have two years and a few months on this one, so we’re fine. I definitely do _not_ want any kids.”

He laughed quietly. “I’m glad we’re in agreement there. Well, now that we’ve settled that… think we can make it as far as the bedroom?”

Cat laughed softly. “I don’t know, Nate, that’s awfully far.” But she let him lead her up the stairs and into his bedroom. She’d never been in this room before, and the knowledge that he was sharing his most personal space with her somehow made her even more certain that this was right. After he closed the door, he approached her slowly, his eyes running over every inch of her body as though he could not quite decide where he wanted to start, but he intended to have _all_ of her. In sharp contrast to the attentions he had shown her when they had first made it through the front door, he now seemed content to take his time.

“Nathaniel,” she whispered, her body nearly vibrating with tension, “I _want_ you.”

He wrapped his arm around her waist while his other hand went to the back of her dress until he found the top of the zipper. Leaning close, he kept his voice low as he spoke in her ear. “I want _you_ , Cataline. And I intend to have you.” A thrill of pleasure shot down her back at his words, her entire body arching towards him. She could feel his lips curve up in a smile against her cheek before he straightened, pulling down the zipper of her dress with agonizing deliberation, running his thumb along her spine as he went and sending shivers through her entire body. When he reached the bottom, he brought his hands back up to her shoulders and smoothly slipped the straps from her arms, letting the garment fall to the floor in a pool of black fabric.

His fingers traced a faint path along the lace silhouette of her bra before drifting to her waist and lower to her hips, his thumbs every so briefly slipping into the hem of her boyshorts before rising back up along the curves of her body. “Sit down,” he ordered softly, and she settled on the edge of the bed, watching in rapt silence as Nathaniel finished unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it aside before pulling his undershirt over his head. He stepped back in front of her, and Cat couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and running her fingers down his torso, tracing the lines of his muscles and raking her nails gently over his skin, prompting a sharp intake of breath from the man in front of her. When her hand reached the waist of his jeans, she looked up with a small smile before undoing the button and lowering the zipper with the same maddening languor that he had used on her. He let the pants fall to the floor, kicking them aside before he slipped behind her so that she was seated between his legs, her back against his chest. She could feel him, still hard against her backside, and he bit back a groan as she rolled her hips against him.

His hands wrapped around her waist and he bent his head close to her ear, his voice a hushed rasp that made her burn for him even more than she already was. “Do you even realize how impossibly beautiful you are? How many nights I’ve lain awake picturing you just like this?” One hand slipped slowly up her waist to cup her breast through her bra, his thumb running over the nipple until it was hard beneath his touch. Cat leaned her head back against his shoulder, exposing her neck to his mouth. Nathaniel kissed a line up from her shoulder, his tongue tracing a hot path towards her jaw.

“And what exactly did you picture doing when you had me like this?” She asked, her breath hitching as his other hand slipped beneath the hem of her panties. He chuckled softly before brushing a kiss against her cheek.

“ _Everything_.”

Cat felt every nerve in her body flare, her hands reaching back to grip his thighs. Nathaniel nuzzled her shoulder gently before shifting behind her and easing her down onto the bed and lying beside her, his hand still running over the curves of her body. When she looked at him, she saw that he was gazing at her with what she could only describe as wonder. She reached out and stroked his cheek softly, leaning up to brush a kiss against his lips. His hand reached behind her back, tracing the length of her spine before fumbling briefly with the clasp of her bra. When Cat felt the band slacken, she shifted her shoulders until the straps slipped down. Lying back against the bed, she lifted her arms and allowed Nathaniel to toss it aside.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him back down into a heated kiss, moaning against his lips as his bare chest brushed against hers. His tongue slipped into her mouth and she could still taste the ginger and lime from the drinks they’d had earlier in the evening. Slowly, he pulled away, kissing lower along her cheek and down the column of her neck and between the valley of her breasts. He glanced up at her, smiling just slightly, before he turned his attention to the tender flesh of her breast and pressed a series of whispered kisses against it, his lips almost but never quite reaching the center. “Nate,” she whimpered as his hand reached up to stroke her other breast softly, the calloused pads of his fingers teasing just barely over her skin, “please…”

His lips quirked up in a smile against her skin, and his mouth finally wrapped around the stiff peak. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, gently at first, then with more hunger and need. Cat arched her back, pressing herself more firmly against him, desperate for him to take all of her. Nathaniel moved his mouth to her other breast, repeating the same slow dance of kisses and subtle tastes before taking her in his mouth, his teeth grazing against the sensitive bud and wringing a stifled cry of pleasure from her throat.

Every kiss, every touch was slow and deliberate, designed to take her to the edge without ever quite pushing her over. It had been years since she had been with anyone, and even then, it had _never_ been as good as it was now, with him. Cataline wondered if some part of her subconscious had locked this part of her away; waiting until she could share it with the man she had been in love with the whole time. In this moment, she could forget the rest of the world: it was only the two of them, and that was all it would ever be.

“Nathaniel,” she spoke, her breath coming in short gasps, “I love you.”

He paused, shifting so that he could cup his cheek in his hand and press his lips against hers, kissing her long and slow and deep. “I love you, Cataline. I love you.”  Laying down beside her and pulling her close, his hand once again drifted down to the apex of her thighs, slipping between the smoothness of her skin and the satin of her only remaining piece of clothing until his fingers danced lightly over her entrance. When he felt the heat there, he stifled a groan against her hair. “Andraste’s blood… you are… you are so…”

His words trailed off unspoken, but his hand remained where it was, teasing against her. Slowly, his thumb circled her clit, rubbing it just faintly enough to send shocks of pleasure through her core, but not nearly hard enough for what she wanted. He slipped a finger inside of her, then two, his hips rocking against her backside once. “Cat,” he whispered, “I want to feel you.”

She nodded, not trusting her mouth to speak the words she needed to say. The pressure of his thumb increased and his fingers stroked her inner walls. Cat could feel the fire building in her core, slowly, torturously, but undeniably growing. She pressed herself against the warmth of his chest, and when she felt him nip at the sensitive skin where her neck met her shoulder her peak hit her like a wave, washing over her and leaving her breathless and trembling. Nathaniel moved his hand up to her waist, holding her as she rode out her high.

“Are you alright, love?” He placed a soft kiss against her temple, the gentle tone of his words a startling contrast to the hard lines of his body and the utter precision with which he had sent her to such dizzying heights.

She rolled over to face him, her eyes meeting his. “‘Alright’ is the most woefully insufficient word for what I am right now,” she struggled to even her breathing. “That was… I have _never_ felt that good before, Nathaniel. Ever.”

He gave her a small smile. “I would never give you anything less, my Wildflower. I would do anything to make you happy.”

She laughed softly, her hands moving to slip off her boyshorts and tossing them to the floor. With a single, fluid movement she straddled his hips, his boxer briefs the only barrier between his cock and her waiting heat. “Wildflower, huh?” She leaned down and began kissing down the lines of his abdomen.

“Do you hate it? I’ve thought of you that way for years. Beautiful, graceful, but strong enough to survive the coldness of the world,” she heard his breath stutter as her lips brushed against the clothed length of his cock.

“I love it,” she replied, her voice low and heavy with the emotions she had been holding back for too long. Cat hooked her fingers into the waistband of his shorts, pulling them down slowly until he too was laid bare in front of her. She settled between his legs, knowing full well his eyes were locked on her as she slowly ran her tongue along his inner thigh, her lips brushing against his skin every so faintly before she repeated the process on the other side. A hiss of breath above her brought a small smile to her face when she finally centered herself and enveloped his cock in her mouth, flicking her tongue across the tip while her hand wrapped around the base, working a slow pattern. She could feel the muscles in his thighs grow taut against her arms as he fought to keep his hips from rocking too sharply against her mouth, which only made her want to try harder.

“Cataline,” his voice was harsh and ragged, but she heard the warning nonetheless. With a final brush of her lips across the tip, she shifted so that she was lying beside him once again. Nathaniel rolled over and pinned her down gently against the bed, bowing his head to claim her lips in a kiss that expressed the fierce need they both felt even while he still held back. She pressed her body up against his, the heat of his skin threatening to set her entire body ablaze, her arms wrapped so tightly around his back that she wondered if she would ever be able to let go. Cat felt his erection brush against her entrance, and a shudder shook his entire body. Tearing his lips away from hers, he whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she brought her hand to his cheek, smiling softly. He placed one more whisper light kiss against her lips before he entered her, filling her and sending a rush of sheer pleasure coursing through her entire body. The sensation after so much waiting was nearly enough to send her spiraling all on its own, but she took a deep breath to steady herself and arched her hips as his rolled against her, steady and certain. Cat’s head fell back against the pillow, her fingernails raking down Nathaniel’s back and her leg wrapping around his thigh. Each thrust pushed her closer and closer until finally he reached his hand down to her clit, his fingers rubbing the swollen nerves in a steady pattern until her second climax rolled through her body and she cried out his name in a voice she almost did not recognize. His own strokes grew faster and more erratic, his hips snapping against her body until he found his own release, her name tearing from his lips.

Nathaniel collapsed beside her, their chests still rising and falling in frantic rhythm as he pulled her close and buried his face in her hair. “That was,” he sighed, “so, _so_ much better than I ever imagined it would be. And I have spent many, many years imaging what it would be like.”

Cat smiled, snuggling closer to him. “Me too,” she admitted, nuzzling her head against his chest, his arms wrapping around her in a protective embrace. “And yes. The reality was much better.”

He sat up and reached to turn off the lamp, then paused, looking at her with the first hint of uncertainty she had seen all night. “Cat?”

“Hmm?” She could already feel her eyelids starting to flutter shut as sleep threatened to overtake her. He looked at her, the soft light turning his grey eyes silver.

“Stay with me?”

“Sweetheart,” she sat up and reached across him to switch the light off before pulling him back down beside her, “I was planning on it. My bigger concern is that you are going to have a hard time getting rid of me. Especially after _that_.”

He laughed softly as she curled up beside him, one arm gently wrapping around her waist to pull her closer while the other stroked her hair.

“In that case… never leave.”

 

 


	16. These Footprints of My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW.

_So say a prayer for me in silence_  
_Let no cathedral mock our hearts_  
_That's when I will be forgiven_  
_Let us never fall apart._

-“A Prayer for Me in Silence” by Flogging Molly

  

* * *

 

 

For the first time in years, Nathaniel was happy to wake up. Probably because, for the first time in years, his reality was so much better than his dreams. It was still early; only the first golden rays of the summer sun were filtering in through the skylight, their ethereal light casting a soft glow over the ivory skin and the fall of copper hair belonging to the woman who was, by some miracle, still lying asleep in his bed. Cataline shifted slightly as he brushed a kiss against her cheek before slipping out of bed quietly and pulling on a pair of shorts and soft cotton lounge pants. He was brushing his teeth when his phone lit up with a text notification.

 _T:_ _Left some things in a bag outside your front door you might need. Have a good weekend._

Frowning slightly, he stepped downstairs and opened the front door. Thea was nowhere to be seen, but true to her word there was a canvas bag sitting by the doorstep. He picked it up and carried it into the kitchen. Inside was a smaller bag labeled “Catkin” that he set aside; a tin canister that, when opened, revealed a cache of Cataline’s favorite summer tea; and a simple Orlesian loose leaf press. The tea things he set aside for after Cat woke up, but he grabbed the smaller bag and returned to the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed beside her. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently stroking her cheek, smiling as her eyelashes fluttered and her eyes opened sleepily.

“Hey there,” she sat up and stretched, arching her back and giggling when he dipped in and pressed a kiss against the bare skin of her collarbone. “Good morning, love.”

“Good morning, Wildflower,” he murmured, pressing his forehead against hers, and her smile brightened.

“I still love that, by the way,” she sighed in contentment. “What’s in the bag?”

“Oh, right,” he handed it over. “Your cousin left it either late last night or early this morning. It had your name on it, so I haven’t opened it.”

“Given its provenance, probably wise.” Cataline peeked inside, then laughed out loud before dumping the contents on the bed. “Three pairs of clean underwear, and my toothbrush.” She collapsed in paroxysms of giggles. “Very subtle, Teddy Girl. These must be from the cache I keep at her place for when I stay over. I’ll take the hint, though.” Cat stood and headed into the bathroom. “Care if I use your toothpaste?”

“Not in the slightest,” he stretched back, allowing his head to fall against her pillow and breathing in the scent of her that still lingered amongst the fibers. She peeked back out of the bathroom, a small, seductive smile playing across her lips and temptation warm in her eyes.

“Mind if I use your shower?”

He stood and walked over to her, slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. “That depends…”

She hummed a small laugh as her hands went to his waistband and began pushing his clothes over his hips. “On what, exactly?”

Nathaniel caught her hands in his before pressing his lips against hers in a hot, languid kiss. When they parted, he tilted her chin up so that she could see the heat in his gaze.

“On whether or not you want company.”

Cataline laughed, pulling him in after her, and he followed her willingly, appreciating the subtle sway of her hips and the way her hair fell down her back. As she stepped into the shower, the water ran down the smooth planes of her skin, the occasional droplet catching the light and making her glisten. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close against his body where already his cock was hard against her backside. She gave a quiet moan when she felt him, her hand guiding one of his own up to her breast.

Nathaniel bent his head down against hers, taking a deep breath as he massaged her chest, gently rolling her nipple between his thumb and forefinger while still holding her close to him with his other hand. Some part of him was still deeply afraid that she would leave; that none of this was real, even as the logical and sane part of his brain was rejoicing over the fact that she _was_ real, and here, and in his arms. He carefully turned her so that she was propped against the shower wall, her arms braced against the smooth tiles. Cat’s head fell back against his shoulder as he slipped inside of her, a soft whimper escaping her throat.

Her hand drifted lower between her legs, practiced fingers tracing the touches he so desperately wanted to memorize so that he could hear her screaming his name over and over again just like she had the night before. He could feel the rhythm of her breath grow erratic and the muscles of her back and hips grow taut against him until she came, a long, protracted sigh issuing from her lips. Nathaniel held her close, his arms supporting her as the contractions of her inner walls around him sent him over the edge after her. He buried his face against her shoulder, kissing every patch of skin he could reach, drowning in the taste of her on his tongue. Cat turned to face him, twining her arms around his neck and pulling him closer until their lips met. He was certain that he would _never_ grow tired of kissing her.

He helped her wash her hair, massaging her scalp gently and watching in open appreciation as she rinsed the long copper waves. When they finally stepped out, prodded by the rapidly cooling water, she ran his towel over his body before he returned the gesture. With some small reluctance he pulled his pants and shorts back on, but decided against a shirt. It would be warm enough, and he had no plans to go anywhere unless Cataline did. She grabbed one of the pairs of boyshorts from the bag Thea had left, then threw him a small grin as she stole one of his button-ups from the closet, rolling the sleeves up past her elbows and leaving a distracting number of buttons undone.

“You know,” he commented as she wrapped her arms around his waist, “if you keep looking at me like that, we are never going to end up leaving this room.”

“…and?”

He chuckled, brushing a kiss against her forehead. “And Thea sent over some of your favorite tea, and I _may_ be persuaded to cook breakfast, but that would involve going downstairs.

Cat gave a small mock pout, but followed behind him as he descended the stairs and stepped into the kitchen. She sat at the table in the dining alcove as he boiled water for tea, humming softly to herself. He handed her a cup before starting a pot of coffee for himself, trying not to be distracted by the creamy lines of her legs stretched out under the table. Instead, he reached into the fridge and started pulling out breakfast things, silently thanking Thea again for nagging him to actually go grocery shopping.

“How do you like your eggs?”

“Over hard,” she smiled. “Actually, to be honest, that’s the _only_ way I like them: I’ve never had a taste for any other type, except the occasional hollandaise, and even that has to be done _exquisitely_ well before I’ll even try it.”

“Then perhaps I should start practicing,” he smiled at her before popping slices of bread in the toaster and grabbing a bowl of melon from the fridge and setting it on the table. “I admit, I have never attempted it. Lilah always wanted hers scrambled, and Tommy would complain no matter what I made.” Nathaniel plated up the toast and eggs and refilled Cat’s tea before sitting down beside her. They ate in comfortable silence for a while, both content to simply sit and enjoy each other’s company. As she finished her toast and poked at a piece of cantaloupe, Cat finally spoke up.

“So how did you learn to cook?”

He shrugged. “Self taught, mostly. I can follow a recipe fairly well, and eventually I grew confident enough that I could start making tweaks here and there, or improvising. Neither of my parents was ever much for cooking, and we never seemed to be able to hold on to a cook for very long. Can’t imagine why,” he observed dryly. “So I started learning when I was young; probably eight or nine. It was that, or subsist on peanut butter sandwiches.”

“Nathaniel…” She placed her hand on his knee, and when he looked at her, his heart broke slightly at the look of sympathy in her gentle eyes. He covered her hand with his own and tried to give her a reassuring smile.

“It’s alright, Cat,” he said. “I promise. Besides, it gave me a useful life skill I could employ to mildly impress future girlfriends.” This prompted a giggle, and he pressed a brief kiss to her cheek before standing up and taking their dishes to the sink. She helped him rinse them before they were placed in the dishwasher, then followed him into the living room where they curled up together on the sofa that looked out over the sea.

“You know, I could get used to spending mornings like this,” she murmured, her fingers tracing a lazy path along the muscles of his chest and abdomen. “I honestly don’t remember the last time someone other than Thea made me breakfast. For that matter, I don’t remember the last time I was so happy to get up and out of bed on a Saturday morning, either.”

“Hmm,” he hummed in agreement. Nathaniel ran his hand along her arm and down the curve of her waist, trying to decide if he was actually going to speak the words his heart wanted him to say. Finally, he sat up and took her hands in his, looking into the deep violet wells of her eyes.

“Cat… I meant what I said last night.”

“You’ll have to refresh my memory,” a sly smile crept across her face, “you had me rather distracted, after all. I don’t remember discussing much after my dress hit the floor.”

He laughed, brushing a kiss against her knuckles. “That’s fair, I suppose.” He took a deep breath. “Cataline, I love you. I know this is still new, but I also feel as though this is where I am meant to be. When I said I never want you to leave, I-” His words failed him at that point, but Cat leaned forward and met his mouth with hers, her kiss all the answer he needed.

“I may have some horrible habits you don’t find out about until I’ve moved in,” she teased as she broke away, but her smile was bright and her eyes sparkling. He pulled her close, releasing the breath he had been unconsciously holding in a sigh of relief.

“I’ll take my chances.”

 


	17. I Breathe What is Yours

_And I run from wolves_   
_Breathing heavily_   
_At my feet_   
_And I run from wolves_   
_Tearing into me_   
_Without teeth._

-“Wolves Without Teeth” by Of Monsters and Men

 

* * *

 

 

“Cat, is this one ready to go down?” Nathaniel gestured to the box at the foot of her bed. She glanced over to confirm it was taped up, then nodded.

“Yes. That should actually be the second-to-last one. I just need to pull a few more things from the closet and we’ll be done.”

He smiled, stepping closer to her and brushing a kiss against her lips. “I admit… I still can’t believe you agreed to this.”

“And I still can’t believe you’re willing to let me invade your space like this,” she flashed a smile back at him, letting her hands fall to his hips as she lay her head against his chest.

“ _Our_ space,” he corrected softly. “I spent far too long away from you Cataline. Now, I… I just want to share everything with you. Wow,” Nathaniel shook his head wryly, “when in the void did I become such a romantic?”

Cat laughed, releasing her hold on him so he could lift the box up and carry it down to his waiting car. She watched him go, sighing a quiet breath of contentment. It had taken all of a week for them to make the plans to move her out of her bare apartment and into the Loft. Honestly, it might not have taken even that long had they not been constantly distracting each other. For the short term, most of her belongings that were still in boxes from her previous move would remain that way; if she hadn’t needed them in the past six months it was unlikely she would need them in the near future. Eventually, she planned on selling the apartment, and she and Nate would find a bigger house together, but for now it was enough for them to simply _be_ together.

She tossed a few more blouses into the box at her feet; ironing would come later, and she was under no illusion that it would unquestionably be needed, but for now she simply wanted to get everything packed. The last thing she reached for was the soft, buttery leather of the jacket Nathaniel had left with her all those years ago. Running her fingers over the material, Cat smiled to herself. It still almost didn’t seem real: that she no longer had to rely on hazy memories and fleeting dreams.

For once, things were going right in her life.

Biting her bottom lip briefly, she peeked around the corner to see if Nathaniel had come back upstairs before she hurriedly shed her shorts and t-shirt, slipping the jacket on over her bare skin and zipping it as far as her navel. When she heard him re-enter the apartment, she turned towards the door with a small smile on her lips. His reaction did not disappoint.

He stopped short in the doorway to her bedroom, eyebrows raised in momentary surprise. She had to give him credit though, he seemed to recover quickly enough, a smirk tilting the corners of his mouth as his eyes darkened. “I can’t believe you kept that.”

“Of course I did,” she leaned her head to the side in expectation, toying with the zipper. “It was yours. If I remember correctly, it was your favorite, in fact.”

Nathaniel nodded, taking a slow step towards her as his eyes traveled the length of her body. “It was. I believe it still is, though only because I would argue that it looks far better on you.” He reached out and placed a hand over hers where it rested against her stomach, his other arm reaching around her hips to pull her close as his lips lowered to her ear and he whispered in a low, raspy tone that sent a shiver of anticipation down her spine.

“Bet it would look even better on the floor, though.”  
  


* * *

 

Two weeks later, Cataline was still thinking about that last night in her apartment, a distant smile on her face as she stared out her window. She was pulled sharply from her reveries when the door to her office opened quietly.

“Well well, somebody’s distracted.” Thea poked her head into Cat’s office with an impish grin.

“Thea darling, when have I _not_ been distracted since that man came back into my life?” Cat laughed. “It is your own fault for pushing us together, you know.”

“Oh yes, because you needed _so_ much pushing, cousin dear,” Thea sauntered in and fell gracefully into one of the chairs opposite Cat’s desk. “I merely… nudged… you in the right direction. Both of you.”

“And for the record,” Cat interjected primly, “I happen to be completely caught up. I’ve reviewed the manifest logs and signed off on the trade deals between us and the wool manufactories in Dragon’s Peak. Josephine is still arguing with the King regarding his proposed tariff increases on Seheron imports, but I have faith in her. Even if we see an increase, I bet she can talk him down enough that it won’t hit us too hard. Of course,” she glanced carefully at her cousin, “it would have been easier if _you_ had been willing to intervene.”

Thea gave a small snort of skepticism. “Since when has Cailan ever listened to a damn word I said? Half the reason Anora and I get on so well is because we are often equally exasperated with the man and I refuse to take his shit simply because he is king. Josie is far better suited to handling him.”

“I did not mean via Cailan or Anora.”

A shadow passed over Thea’s face, and Cat could swear that her hand almost moved to her locket before she stopped herself. “Not an option…” she muttered, as much to herself as to Cataline. Then, with a small shake of her head, she changed the subject. “In any case, have you had a chance to look at the proposed copper deal coming out of the Anderfels? I know we produce some domestically, which is why I wanted to run it by you first.”

“As a matter of fact, I did, and my report is already in your inbox,” Cat smiled gently, trying to make up for the fact that she could see she had hit a nerve with the other woman. Someday, she would ask Thea…

“Alright, Catkin,” Thea threw her hands up with a laugh that almost seemed relieved, interrupting her train of thought. “I never said you weren’t distracted _and_ productive. Really, though,” the younger woman paused, her face growing serious, “I am happy for you. For both of you. The past month, you’ve both just seemed so much more… content. I am just glad both of you have found some peace. I know damn well it was desperately needed.” She stood and moved back towards the door to return to her own office. “You’re both coming over for dinner tonight?”

Cat smiled. “Of course. Are we cooking, or doing take-out?”

“Let’s see how tired I am after _I_ get caught up,” Thea raised her eyebrow with a dry smile. “See you tonight, Catkin.”

Her cousin slipped out of the room, but was almost immediately replaced by a tall, slender visitor with a hat pulled low over their fiery red hair. Leliana had been so quiet that Thea must not have even noticed she was there, but Cat was used to her friend making such unexpected entrances. She gestured to the chair that Thea had recently vacated, standing and pouring the former spy a cup of tea.

“It’s good to see you, Lel,” she handed the other woman the cup before sitting back behind her desk. “You must have been busy; I have not seen you since that afternoon in Cassandra’s office. I have so much to tell you.”

“I look forward to it,” Leliana seemed even more subdued than usual, and her smile was almost sad as she looked at Cat. “Unfortunately, I am afraid I am here on more… troubling… business.”

Cataline frowned, folding her hands under her chin and facing her friend. “What’s wrong, Leliana? Did you…” Suddenly, she felt the color drain from her cheeks. “Did you find something?”

“I did,” Leliana nodded slowly. “Cataline, please understand- if I had known what I do now, I would not have pursued this as doggedly as I have. This was not what I expected to uncover.”

“Lel,” Cat struggled to keep her voice even and calm, “what did you find?”

“I know who ordered the hit on your parents, Cat.” She pulled an old photo out of her hand bag and slid it reluctantly across the desk. Cat’s brow furrowed deeper as she looked at it.

“I do not understand,” she shrugged irritably, “This is a picture from a few Satinalias ago. It was the last one that the Howe family…” her voice faltered as she stared at the picture. Her parents smiled back at her, their expressions joyful, while the sallow man beside them had managed a small, pained smile of his own.

“No.” She felt the word tear from her throat even as she fought for some shred of hope. “No. I know he was not a good person, Leliana, and I will even admit that I could not say I liked him, but Rendon Howe was one of my father’s closest friends. Maker’s breath, my dad was possibly the man’s _only_ real friend. He wouldn’t do this.”

Leliana pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezing her eyes shut, her characteristic detachment vanished. “Cat, you know I would not bring this to you if I were not certain. Especially now that… well, you know.”

“Does anyone else know?”

She sighed. “Not yet, but Cassandra has all of my notes. Even if I do not tell her, she will connect the dots sooner or later. If it comes from me I may be able to convince her to keep this as quiet as possible, but the reality is that your parents were major figures in Ferelden. Their deaths did not go unnoticed, and neither will the revelation that they were murdered at the behest of their friend and employee. Thea should accompany me when I go; Cassandra trusts and respects her a great deal, and is more likely to listen to her.”

Cataline stared at her hands, surprised at the utter numbness she felt. For the past year, she thought she had wanted answers, but now that she had them, she would have given anything to shove them back into the depths of the void and pretend that her life was still finally turning out right.

“He’s going to run away again.” She whispered finally. “When he finds out it was his father… _damn it_.”

Leliana stood and approached her, kneeling beside her and wrapping her arms around her tightly. “You know that is not true, Cataline. He loves you, and you both know his father’s sins have _nothing_ to do with him, or you, or the two of you together.”

But Cat just shook her head, tremors wracking her body. “You don’t understand. Nathaniel has always struggled with wanting to believe his father was a good person, while at the same time trying to break free of his shadow. I… I need some time to think.”

Leliana stood and nodded. “I can give you three hours, Cataline. Then I will have to speak with Theadosia, see if she will help me plead a case for discretion to Cassandra.” She walked to the door, pausing and looking back. “What will you do, Cat?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, but in her heart, Cat already felt the pull of her inevitable destination. If she hurried, she would be able to catch the next flight west. For a brief moment, she considered telling Thea; asking her to break the news to Nathaniel so she wouldn’t have to see the pain and anger she knew would follow the revelation. Somehow, she suspected Thea would end up bearing that burden anyways, if she ran off like this, but she also couldn’t bring herself to rope her cousin in any sooner than the poor thing had to be. Thea had been more… fragile… than she would admit to as of late.

Cataline would go alone, which somehow seemed fitting at this point.

Yes.

_Alone_.

 


	18. And I'm Saying Goodbye

_I know nothing at all_  
 _And I... will stumble and fall_  
 _I'm still learning to love_  
 _Just starting to crawl._

-“Say Something” as Performed by Pentatonix

 

* * *

 

 

He knew something was wrong as soon as he stepped out of the elevator.

Even at the end of the corridor, Nathaniel could hear Thea speaking in rapid and very audible Orlesian, and even though he could only pick out a handful of words and phrases, it was abundantly evident that whoever was on the other end of the call was getting an earful. Deciding it would be wiser to give his friend some space, he skipped stopping by her office and instead went directly across the hall to Cat’s. To his surprise, the door was locked. He backtracked out to the reception area, where the women’s assistant, Merrill, was flinching every time a particularly loud outburst came from behind her boss’s door.

“Hey, Merrill,” he tried to give her a reassuring smile. “Do you happen to know where Cat went? I was supposed to pick her up for lunch. I’m a little surprised she forgot, actually.”

“I am too, Nathaniel,” the young elf glanced at the copy she kept of Cat’s calendar with a small frown. “It is starred as ‘important,’ and she never misses those. I am not certain where she went. She left about three hours ago, and hasn’t been back. She didn’t tell you where she was going?”

“Nooo,” he replied slowly, his heart clenching involuntary. “I have not spoken to her since she left for work this morning.” With no small trepidation, his gaze trailed towards Thea’s office.

“I’m not sure I’d risk it, Nathaniel,” Merrill whispered. “Theadosia’s been on the phone for the past twenty minutes, and she’s been yelling something fierce for at least fifteen. I’ve not seen her lose her temper this badly in years, and something has certainly put her in a mood.”

He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh. “I appreciate it, Merrill, but I’m worried about Cat. If Thea knows where she is, I will take my chances.” With an uncertain tread, he walked back to Thea’s office door, arriving just in time to hear her shout a few final words before ending the call. He didn’t bother knocking; he suspected doing so would only give her an opportunity to turn him away. Instead, he carefully opened the door and stepped inside.

Thea was seated behind her desk, wearing the well-tailored suit and three inch heels he always had such a hard time picturing her in, and looking every bit the executive despite the slightly manic glare on her face and the dark circles under her eyes. When he entered, she looked up and almost seemed ready to snap at whoever had disturbed her, but when she recognized him Nathaniel could swear that he saw a flash of sadness pass across her storm blue eyes.

“Nate,” her voice was unsteady, and he could see that there was a tremor in her hands, “this isn’t the best- actually, no.” She shook her head. “Now is as good a time as any, I suppose.” Gesturing for him to take a seat, she stood and poured herself a cup of coffee and offered him one as well. When he declined, she sat back down.

“I was on the phone with Leliana. I’m sure Cat has mentioned her; she is one of her oldest and closest friends, and I would have liked to believe she was one of mine as well. Leliana has been working with Cassandra on the Cousland murder case. With the spy network she commands, she has far more contacts than we do locally. Apparently, today, they were finally able to trace the path between the cell of Crows who actually carried out the hit to the person who ordered it.”

Thea paused, and Nathaniel could tell that she was struggling to find the words she wanted to say. “Thea…” He tried to keep his tone calm, but his heart was racing. “Theadosia. Look at me. What did Leliana find?”

Her eyes met his, and for the first time in his life he thought he saw fear there. “Nathaniel,” she whispered, “it was your father. Rendon Howe is the one who ordered the murder of Bryce and Eleanor.”

He felt the world drop out from beneath him. _Of course it was. Even now, he has to make certain I can keep nothing good in my life_. Finally, he managed to choke out, “you are sure?”

She nodded miserably. “Leliana is, and unfortunately I take her at her word.”

Nathaniel felt as though he were going to be sick. His head was spinning, but one thought kept coming back to the forefront. “Thea, _where is Cataline?_ ”

“I do not know,” Thea admitted, looking away from him. “Apparently, Leliana’s loyalty to Cat exceeds her loyalty to me. She told her three hours ago and promised to keep everyone else out of the loop while Cat took some time to think. However, usually when Cat ‘takes time to think’ it means she is going to take the opportunity to run. Nate,” she looked at him again, and he could hear the plea in her voice, “I need you to trust me when I say I _will_ find her. Trust me when I say that I _know_ she loves you, and she _will_ come home.”

Suddenly, all the anger and frustration and grief in his heart reached a breaking point. “Trust you?” He hissed. “You have been pulling strings from the very beginning, pushing us together, and now we are all going to end up paying for it. I should have _never_ stayed here. For that matter, I should _never_ have even come back to Denerim. This whole city has brought me nothing but grief, and you along with it. It would have been better if I had never seen Cat again, because then I would never have to live with this heartbreak.”  
  
“Nathaniel…”

Part of him knew that he was being unfair, but he found he could not stop. His life was falling to pieces around him, and Thea was the only target in the room. He wondered, though, why she wasn’t fighting back. He needed her to fight back, to give him something to vent his anger against. And so he said the one thing he knew he shouldn’t.

“And how can I trust you when you are keeping secrets from me, Theadosia?” He asked coldly.

A look of confusion clouded her face. “What in the void are you talking about?”

“Look at you,” he gestured to her hands that even now were trembling around her coffee mug. “You’re not sleeping, you’re not eating, you’re shaking constantly… what in Thedas is wrong with you? Are you sick? Are you…” he peered at her closely. “Have you been taking lyrium, Thea? That’s it, isn’t it?” Nathaniel saw the color drain from her face as her eyes widened. “How can you possibly even touch that stuff, knowing what it did to your husband? Does _he_ know you’re a fucking addict?”

She sat in stunned silence, and Nathaniel instantly regretted making the accusation. “Thea,” he started, “I’m-”

“No.” She held up her arms as though she were washing her hands of him. She stood and gripped her mug so forcefully he feared it would crack in her grasp. “We are done here, Nathaniel.” Thea turned away from him, her arms crossed as she stared out the floor-to-ceiling windows that lined the back wall of her office.

“Thea, please.”

Her head fell to her chest, but she did not turn to face him again.

“Leave, Nathaniel.”

He stood, walking out of her office feeling no better or less afraid for having railed against his best friend. As he closed the door, he heard the sickening crash of ceramic shattering against the wall behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

“I wondered when I would be seeing you again,” Delilah sighed as she poured him a cup of coffee before settling on the couch, her feet tucked daintily beneath her. Nathaniel had driven around the city for an hour before finally building up the courage to go see his sister at her cozy house in the suburbs. He knew that she was the only one who may have answers for him at the moment.

“You knew?”

“No,” she shook her head, “but I had a feeling. I was surprised Cat and Thea didn’t look in that direction sooner, to be honest. Perhaps they did suspect father, in the back of their minds, but chose to ignore their suspicions. I told you how much they did to try and protect us.”

He stared into his mug. “Yes. And now I have managed to fuck that up as well.”

Delilah sat quietly for a moment, sipping her herbal tea. “I am sorry, Nathaniel. I know this must be difficult for you.”

“For _me_?” He gazed at her askance. “I hadn’t spoken to him in years. You lived with him longer than I did.”

“Exactly,” she replied evenly. “Nate, no matter what you said or how often the two of you butted heads, some part of you still clung to that little-boy hero worship of our father. Possibly because you had to believe that he was, in his heart, a good person. That _you_ could still be a good person, despite how he and Thomas were. And you are, Nathaniel.” She took his hand gently. “You are a much better man than they ever were.”

He looked down at her hand on his. “I’m sorry I left you, Delilah. I should have stayed. Maybe I could have kept father from going completely mad, or at least done a better job of protecting you.”

She gave a dry, quiet laugh. “No, brother. He was too far gone. And it wasn’t until Tommy died that things started getting really bad, so I doubt your staying would have changed much in the long run, other than to beat you down into the ground as well.”

“What happened, Lilah?” He was almost afraid to voice the question, but he knew he had to hear the truth. “What happened after I left?”

Delilah ran her finger lightly over the rim of her mug, her eyes distant. “He was horrible to mother, even as she lay dying. She should have divorced him, but she knew that it would involve lawyers and a drawn out court battle that she most likely wouldn’t survive. So instead, she went to Eleanor Cousland. Between the two of them, they were able to secure mother’s inheritance and assets into separate accounts that father couldn’t touch, but that would pass to us when she died. When he found out, he was furious. He couldn’t very well do anything to Eleanor; not while he was still vying for control of the company when the Couslands retired, but he made mother’s life miserable for her last few months, and mine along with her. He was convinced I had helped her somehow.”

“That was about the same time he stopped even trying to hide his affair with Sophie as well,” her eyes narrowed. “I hate that woman. She loved coming around the house and treating me as though I were a servant. After mother died and she moved in, I left. Thea took me in for awhile, actually, and then I moved in with Albert. I only heard bits and pieces about father after that, and most of that was second or third hand. I know he was furious when Bryce refused to name him as his successor, even though the Couslands had made it clear they were preparing to retire. I think that he was still clinging to some shred of hope that control would be ceded to him alongside Cat and Thea, and then he would be able to bully or persuade them out of the company. He _was_ rather delusional towards the end.”

Nathaniel was speechless. _How could I have been so blind?_ “Lilah… I am so sorry. I am sorry I abandoned you. I do not blame you if you hate me for it.”

“Oh Nathaniel,” she laughed softly, pulling him close and wrapping her arms around him, her head resting on his shoulder. “I do not hate you. I also do not blame you for leaving; as much as it broke my heart to see you go, I was overjoyed that you were able to break free. Now that you are back, however, we _are_ going to need to work on your skills with children. You came back just in time.”

He sat back and looked at her, confusion furrowing his brow. “What do you mean?”

She gave him a small, quiet smile as she placed a hand over her belly. “Come next spring, you are going to be an uncle.”

“What?” Nathaniel hugged his sister tight against his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Congratulations, Lilah! I am so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” she laughed. “Albert and I expect you and Cataline to be godparents, so you had better make up before then.”

“Right,” he sighed, his happiness at his sister’s revelation fading as he remembered the events of the afternoon. “At this point, I will be lucky if she ever comes back, and if she can ever look past the fact that my father is responsible for the murder of her parents. And that is assuming that _Thea_ does not kill me for what I said to her this afternoon in the heat of the moment.”

Delilah looked at him in curiosity. “What in the world did you say? She is your best friend; surely it cannot have been so horrid that she will not forgive you.”

“I…” He felt a deep sense of shame welling up in his chest. “Delilah? Do you know… do you know if Thea is sick?”

His sister looked away from him, brushing a lock of dark hair away from her face. “Nathaniel, I am not the right person to ask that question, because I am not certain that I have all the answers. But I suspect that if you went over to her house, she is probably home by now. Why don’t you go see if she will speak with you?”

He snorted. “We are talking about the same Theadosia, right? I have not _completely_ forgotten her temper. I was… I was not kind to her today, Delilah.”

Delilah stood and took his hand in hers, leading him to the door. She gave him one final hug and brushed a kiss against his cheek. “Go, Nathaniel. Go talk to your friend, and then go find Cataline.”

 


	19. Full of Broken Thoughts

_I hurt myself today_   
_To see if I still feel_   
_I focus on the pain_   
_The only thing that's real.  
_

-“Hurt” as Performed by Johnny Cash

  

* * *

 

 

Cataline eased out of the cab, slipping the driver a generous tip to thank him for the respect he had given her silence during the drive from the airport. She stepped towards the elaborate iron gates that marked the entrance to the Highever Cemetery, memories of her last visit flooding her brain and threatening to send her crawling back to the comforting noise and anonymity of the city. It had been a year, almost to the day, since she had been here. Despite his insistences that he had moved on, she knew that Fergus visited regularly. Had he not still been in Antiva, she may have considered calling him up when she arrived. On second thought, it was probably for the best he wasn’t there. He had been opposed to continuing the investigation from the start, and would probably point out that she was now in a mess of her own making.

_The worst part is, he is right_. She exhaled deeply before pushing open the gate and stepping onto the well maintained stone path that led further into the grounds. Cat felt a twinge of guilt; she knew that back in Denerim, Thea would probably be frantic with worry and blaming herself for everything. She felt even worse when she realized that, by now, Nathaniel had probably been told as well, and would be convinced that she had run away. Again. But she had needed to come here, and she had needed to come alone.

_Why?_

She frowned, the question coming unbidden to her mind. _Why do you have to do this alone? Has not Thea been there for you this entire time? Do you really believe that Nathaniel would not have come with you? That he will love you any less?_ Her mind seemed unwilling to supply any answers to the questions it had posed, so she shook her head to try and clear her thoughts and continued down the path, an occasional leaf skittering in front of her in the breeze. It was unusually cool along the northern coast, and she briefly wished she had brought a jacket. The oppressive heat of summer was slowly giving way to the riotous color and crisper airs of autumn, but for now the verdant shades of green that painted the lawns and trees still held sway.

Where the path split, she took the fork that led up a small rise to a hill overlooking the sea to the north. Two small trees, still barely tall enough to be called anything but seedlings, stood watch over a tasteful plaque set carefully in the ground. Beneath, the ashes of her parents rested. She knelt down beside it, carefully brushing away the grass clippings and other detritus that had drifted over the marker since the last time Fergus had been by to do the same. Her fingers carefully traced their names, the letters familiar and yet almost foreign under her touch. After they had died, it had taken weeks before she had finally been able to say their names. Bryce and Eleanor had been _people_ ; they had been _alive_ and loved and cherished. Seeing their names here, carved and gilded in bronze against the cool stone almost felt as if they were someone else.

Cataline sat back, her legs crossed beneath her, and stared out over the horizon. The world had moved on; the trees they had planted that day were proof enough of that, their fragile green leaves reaching up towards the warm comfort of the sun even as death and decay fed them from below. Her parents were gone, but she was still here, still desperately reaching for the sun.

 

* * *

 

 

_“You are both survivors, girls, but that does not mean that you should have to put up with bullies,”_ her mother had said, that night she had told Cat and Thea they would have to learn to defend themselves. Thomas had been forced to make an apology that all parties knew lacked sincerity, and Cat had spent the rest of the afternoon with Nathaniel so it was difficult for her to be too unhappy with the situation, but she could tell her mother had been deeply bothered by the day’s earlier events. _“You’re both of the Mac Eanraig blood, and what do we do when the sea knocks us to the deck?”_

_“We stand back up,” Cat replied promptly, and her mother smiled._

_“And then we pop the sea in the nose just to prove a point,” Thea piped up._

_Eleanor sighed, but Cat could see she was still smiling behind her hand. “No, Theadosia. I want you to be able to defend yourself, not pick fights.”_

_Thea breathed a huff of impatience and rolled her eyes, but Cat knew the younger girl would never intentionally go against her aunt’s wishes. It had always been like that, though: Thea was the spark of lightning, while Cat had been the sea on a calm day, steady and serene. Yet the two girls were the best of friends; nearly inseparable, and Bryce and Eleanor had always agreed that they were good for each other._

_That night, Thea crept into her room after the rest of the house was dark and quiet, clutching the stuffed bear Nathaniel had given her in one arm. She climbed up onto Cat’s bed, poking at her even though Cat was still lying awake. “Catkin? Cat, are you still up?”_

_“Yes, Thea, I’m still up. What’s wrong?”_

_The younger girl was quiet for a moment, and in the moonlight Cat could see that her small brow was furrowed in thought. “Cat, you know I’ll always protect you, ok? Especially from mean people like Tommy and his dad. I won’t let them hurt you.”_

_“Thea, Rendon is one of dad’s best friends,” Cat chided gently. “He would never hurt us.”_

_Thea did not seem convinced, but her next question caught Cat off guard. “Do you like Nathaniel?”_

_“I… yes, of course I do,” Cat replied. “Don’t you?”_

_Thea crushed her bear tighter against her chest, nodding. “Uh huh. He’s not like his brother. But that’s not what I mean. I mean do you_ like _like him?”_

_Cat could feel her cheeks growing pink. “Why do you ask?”_

_“Why won’t you answer?”_

_She sighed. Thea had always been smart. “Because I am not sure what to say. I think so, yes.”_

_Thea grinned, a rarity for her even at that age. “I knew it. He likes you too.”_

_“What?” Cat looked up at her. “How do you know?”_

_Her cousin shrugged. “I just do.”_

_She had to smile. It was flawless “Thea” logic, but the worst part was that her cousin was eerily bright, and she was usually right about people. Cat lifted up her covers and let Thea and Teddy snuggle in beside her, but the skip in her heart when she thought of Nathaniel was tempered by what her little cousin had said about his father._

_Why would he ever hurt them?_

 

* * *

“She was right all along,” Cat whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Thea knew Rendon was no good, even when she was a child, but the rest of us were too blind to see it. _How_ could you not see it?” Her question hung heavy and unanswered in the air, the ghosts that surrounded here unwilling to grant her any respite. “Why did you have to leave me to clean up this mess? Why couldn’t you… why didn’t you…” Her voice fumbled as a sob choked out of her throat.

“Your parents always believed in finding the best in people,” a quiet voice spoke up behind her. Cat did not turn around as Cullen sat beside her on the grass. “It was the same faith that prompted them to take in a vivacious, mischievous little girl when her own parents couldn’t be bothered with her, and that allowed them to look beyond my past as a lyrium addict and welcome me first into the company, and then into your family, with open arms. I think that your father still wanted to believe that the part of Rendon Howe that was good, the part that died after the war, was still in there somewhere. If anyone could have brought that good out in him, it would have been your parents.”

“Yes,” Cat sniffed bitterly, “and look where their trust got them.”

“Cataline,” Cullen took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze, “would you have had your parents any other way?”

She looked down at the names painstakingly carved into her parents’ memorial. “No,” she whispered. “They gave me so much of themselves and… and I cannot imagine them any differently. My parents were good people, Cull,” a fresh wave of tears overtook her. “They deserved better than this.”

“I know,” he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I know they did, Cat. But they left three amazing people behind to carry on their legacy, even as you forge your own paths. You and your brother, and Thea… they were always so proud of you. They would not want you to let your world fall apart over a man like Rendon, and you _know_ they would not want you to give up all the happiness you have found with Nathaniel simply because he is that monster’s son.”

“That is assuming he is even still speaking to me, now that I have run off again.” Cat felt her heart sink. “I left quite a mess at home. How in the void did you even know where to find me?”

A small smile stole across Cullen’s face. “You and Thea are still on the same frequent flyer miles card, which you used when you bought your ticket. I was on the next plane out.”

Cat suddenly realized how low the sun had set in the sky. She must have been sitting at her parents’ graveside for hours. “And Thea… is she…?”

Cullen’s hand went to the back of his neck, and his face betrayed his concern. “I left her with Anders, and Dorian said he would be over as soon as he could. She passed out at the office; Merrill said Thea and Nate fought, and then a few minutes after he left she heard Thea hit the floor. You know she’s been in a relapse lately; I am honestly surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. I do not exactly like leaving her behind, but she insisted I come after you. She thought that, of all of us, I would best know what you were going through.”

“Yes, I suppose you would,” Cat agreed quietly. “I should have told her, told both of them, what Leliana told me,” she felt a deep pang of guilt in her stomach. “I just wanted some time to think, but… do you know what’s triggered it, this time?”

Her friend shrugged. “No. The last bad spell was after your parents died, but at least that one she was able to work past before I had to take her in. Now, I am not certain. I think she is still afraid that Nathaniel is going to leave again, even if she will not admit it, and she is afraid of you getting your heart broken. She desperately wants both of you to be happy.”

“I would be happy if she would eat a damn sandwich once in a while,” Cat grumbled, prompting a wry chuckle from Cullen.

“You and me both, Catkin.”

They sat in silence for a while, looking out over the expanse of green that marked the boundaries of the cemetery, and further out to the Waking Sea. Her mind had stilled somewhat, although she was uncertain as to what she would do next. She knew what she _should_ do next; finding the courage to do it was something else entirely.

“Cullen?”

“Hm?”

She hesitated. “Does it get any easier? Does it ever hurt any less?”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck again. “I can only speak to my own experience, Cat-”

“That is all I am asking,” she interrupted quietly.

“For me… yes. But I had the benefit of knowing that my parents died in a car accident, not because my father’s best friend ordered them killed. Even then, it took time. It was years before I could even look at my mother’s favorite flowers without feeling like my heart was shattering all over again.” He plucked a blade of grass and spun it between his fingers. “And I would be lying if I said it still does not hurt at times, but now it is more of a passing ache rather than a sharp stab. I miss them, every single day, and I regret that they never got to meet Thea, or you, or see the life I was able to build. I like to believe they would have been proud of me, just as I have no doubt that Bryce and Eleanor would be proud of you.”

“I hope so,” Cat murmured, and Cullen gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze, then held her back so that she was facing him.

“Cataline, does this change anything?”

She frowned, confused. “What do you mean? It changes _everything_.”

He shook his head impatiently. “Does it, though? It changes how you see your parents’ deaths, certainly, and there are difficult times ahead, I will not deny that. The investigation is about to get messy. But you still love your cousin? Your friends?”

“Of course I do, I-”

“And do you still love Nathaniel?”

Cat’s eyes fell to her hands. “More than anything,” she whispered, her voice tripping over the words as she choked back another sob. “But I ran, Cullen. _Again_.”

“Then maybe it’s time you started running in a different direction,” Cullen stood up and reached his hand out to help her up, then wrapped her in a hug. “Cat, that man adores you. I know you are hurting at the moment, and my heart breaks for you, but I suspect he is hurting too. If I know him, right about now he is not only probably having to deal with Thea at her… less than best… but he is also having to come to terms with the fact that his father is responsible for causing the woman he loves more than life itself so much pain.”

“It’s _not_ his fault,” she growled. “He is not his father. He is a good man, and I love him. _Nothing_ has changed that.”

Cullen held up his hands in defense. “I know that, and _you_ know that, but I think he could do with a reminder.” He turned and started back down the path in the direction of the gate. Pausing, he looked towards to her and held out his hand.

“Are you ready to go home, Cataline?”

She took a deep breath. Sparing one final gaze for her parents’ memorial, she stepped away and accepted Cullen’s proffered hand with a small smile.

“Yes. I need to make things right.”


	20. Such Are Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I debated for a long time about whether or not I was going to leave this chapter in and, to be honest, I am still not certain if I made the right decision. It was extremely difficult to write and is, as I am sure will be apparent, deeply personal. I have never made a secret of the fact that, for better or worse, Thea is a great deal like myself, and this is one of the times when her reality so closely mirrors, well, reality. With that being said… I would ask that you not judge her too harshly. She is trying.
> 
> I am trying.

* * *

 

 

_But the fighter still remains..._

-“The Boxer” as Performed by Mumford and Sons

 

* * *

 

 

Nathaniel sat in his car, staring up at the main house and trying to work up the courage to go inside. True to Delilah’s prediction, Thea’s car was already in the drive, as was Anders’s truck and Dorian’s sleek sports car, although Cullen’s was gone. _At least she isn’t alone_. He considered trying to slip around the back and retreating to the Loft, but was startled by a sudden insistent tap at his window. Dorian stood outside, gesturing for him to get out of the car, and Nathaniel reluctantly complied.

“Good, you’re finally here,” the other man nodded briskly. “I wanted to talk to both of you, but since Anders is currently with Thea I will speak with you first.”

“Checking to see if your employee is going to turn tail and run back to the Marches, Dorian?” He sighed as he followed him into the house and back to the kitchen, where Dorian poured a generous shot of whiskey into two glasses.

“No,” he replied quietly, “I am here to check on my _friends_. Both of them, in fact, but as I said, Thea is already being seen to, so you are to be graced with my presence first.” He took a sip of his drink before passing the other glass to Nathaniel, who accepted it uncertainly. Neither man spoke for a few moments, the silence darkening the atmosphere in the otherwise bright kitchen and weaving tension into the air.

“Will she be alright?”

Dorian pinched the bridge of his nose, considering his answer. “I don’t know, Nate. Probably,” he finally shrugged. “This is the worst I have seen her in a long time, but from what she has told me it is still not as bad as it used to be.”

“Is she…” Nathaniel hesitated, then asked, “Is she sick? Is there anything we can do for her?”

“She is not sick, exactly,” Dorian frowned. “I am not sure if I should be telling you any of this, but you’re her best friend, and… _fasta vass_. She was never going to be able to hide it forever; not from you. Our little Theadosia has developed some exceedingly unhealthy coping mechanisms that have emerged from a baffling poor understanding of her own appearance and a tendency towards depression.”

“Andraste’s blood,” Nathaniel whispered as comprehension dawned on him, “the lack of appetite wasn’t a symptom…”

“It is the problem,” Dorian nodded miserably. “And it isn’t a lack of appetite: it is a flat out refusal to eat. I am not certain when it started, but it was before I met her. From the rare photos I have seen and from what Cataline has told me, that girl has never _once_ had a problem with her weight, but Thea does not always see it that way. My understanding is that a particularly cruel boy made a comment about her appearance sometime in high school, and she never really got over it. Paired with the depression…” he threw his hands up.

“Please understand, Nathaniel,” he spoke quietly, “it isn’t always this bad. She’s strong, that one. She had a bad spell just before she met Cullen, and again after her aunt and uncle died, but for the most part she keeps it under control, and keeps herself healthy. Cat and Cullen keep an eye on her, and I don’t think she tries to push herself to exhaustion while exercising anymore, which is progress. But she also told me once that she does not remember the last time she was able to eat something without immediately hating herself for it. Whatever that woman sees when she looks in the mirror… I don’t think it is anything like what the rest of us see when we look at her.”

Nathaniel sat, numb, barely hearing the words Dorian was saying. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

Dorian sighed. “I don’t know, Nate. She didn’t tell me either, not at first. I think part of her is ashamed and frustrated that this is something she can’t just fix.” He reached out and gave his arm a comforting pat. “Thea will be alright. Cullen called in Anders first, and he is good with her; there is a chance he might be able to convince her to come down and eat something. If not… there is a path of last resort, but as it is equally likely to make things worse as better we would rather avoid it. In the meantime, are _you_ going to be alright?”

Nathaniel looked at him, his mind still in a haze. “Am _I_ alright? Dorian, the woman I love has disappeared, my father is responsible for her parents’ murders, and my best friend is upstairs dealing with a pain I am not certain I can help her with. And you are worried about _me_?”

“I am,” his friend nodded firmly. “Believe it or not, we care about you, too. We adore Cat and Thea, and we will always be overprotective of them, but you are our friend as well. Even Thom seemed a bit concerned when he heard the news.”

“So does _everyone_ know?”

Dorian shook his head. “Hardly. Only the people Thea is closest to, so Cullen, Anders, Ven, myself, Bull, Thom… Cassandra, of course, and Leliana. The first call Thea made when she came to was to Morrigan, her lawyer. The woman put up a bit of a fuss, but she will do her best to keep things corralled, and she is _very_ good at what she does.”

“Thea is _still_ trying to protect us… even after what I said…”

“Of course she is,” Dorian replied, his tone disconcertingly earnest. “You are her best friend, Nate, and she loves you. Now, come on,” he stood and gestured for Nathaniel to follow.

He frowned uncertainly. “Where are you taking me?”

But Dorian simply held a finger to his lips, indicating that he should be silent, so Nathaniel just breathed a short sigh of frustration and allowed Dorian to lead him up the stairs, stopping just short of Thea’s bedroom door. The other man held up a hand, and Nathaniel stopped. “Wait here,” Dorian whispered, opening the door quietly and slipping in but conveniently forgetting to close it again, allowing Nathaniel to hear the conversation inside.

“Thea, please,” Anders’s voice was tired, and Nathaniel could tell this was an argument he’d had with his friend before. “I know it’s hard, but please come downstairs and eat something. Void, I would be happy if you would eat some soup.”

“I am _not hungry_.”

“Bullshit,” Dorian chirped as he entered the room, his voice bright with false cheeriness. “I could hear your stomach growling from the driveway.” When his declaration received no response, he changed his tact. “Teddy girl, darling, Cullen is worried sick. He refused to leave for Highever until we promised to come look after you.”

_Highever?_ Nathaniel felt his heart drop. _Is that where Cat went?_ He crept a step closer, trying to hear what Thea’s weak voice was mumbling.

“…I can’t.”

“Cullen is not the only one worried, Thea,” Anders spoke up softly. “Ven and I, Dorian, Bull, Thom… and how much longer do you really think you will be able to hide this from Nathaniel? The conversation is going to get more difficult the longer you wait.”

A sharp bark of laughter cut through the quiet. “Don’t have to,” her voice broke on the words. “He’s decided I’m a bloody lyrium addict, so that will serve. I would rather he believe that, and cut me out of his life, than have him run from Cat again.”

“And why in the void do you think he would do that?” Dorian asked gently. “You are his best friend, Thea. If you told him the truth…”

“He ran once.” Thea’s voice was barely more than a whisper, but Nathaniel’s heart broke on every word. He could not stand by anymore. Pushing the door open further, he stepped into the room. Anders gave him a small smile and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, then exited. Sitting on the floor in the corner, huddled up with her head on her knees and her arms wrapped around herself, was Thea. Dorian was sitting beside her, holding her close to him and trying to soothe her even as her body was wracked with tremors. When he saw Nathaniel, he gave her a final squeeze, then stood, nodding to him as he too left the room.

Nathaniel took a step forward uncertainly. Glancing around the room, he spied Teddy in his dedicated place at her bedside. He carefully picked up the bear, then knelt in front of Thea, holding her beloved companion out as a peace offering, just as he had so many years ago in the tree in Highever. Reaching out with a trembling hand, she took Teddy and clutched him tightly in her arms. Nathaniel sat beside her, taking Dorian’s place. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her tight against his chest. He was alarmed to realize that, despite the warmth of the room, her skin was cold.

Thea still had not spoken, but she also had not pushed him away, which he took as a positive sign. Nathaniel was not certain what _could_ be said; instead, he just held on to her and hummed a song he remembered her singing long ago, before he had left. He couldn’t remember most of the words, and he could not sing them even if he did. That particular skill had always eluded him, but he could manage the tune well enough. Slowly, Thea’s shivering subsided, and her body stilled.  She looked up.

“ _But the fighter still remains._ ”

“Thea.”

Her eyes fell to the floor. “It was never because I did not trust you, Nate.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “All I wanted was for you and Cat to be happy. I was afraid that, if you knew… you should not have to deal with my problems. You have plenty of your own. I just,” she sighed, “I just didn’t want you to leave again.”

“Thea, you are my best friend, and I want you to be ok,” he replied. “And I am not going _anywhere_. I know this is not something that can just be fixed, but that does not mean I do not want to be here to support you.” He leaned back against the wall, but refused to let her go. “Dorian says you have been doing much better recently. Are you relapsing because…” Nathaniel closed his eyes and took a breath. “Sorry. There is no way to ask that without sounding arrogant.”

To his relief, she smiled slightly. “Because of you? No. Yes? Maybe. It tends to get worse when I am under a lot of stress or anxiety, or when my depression acts up. I am sure Dorian let the cat out of the bag on that one as well; you may as well know everything. And I _have_ been under a lot of stress lately, between the investigation, and still dealing with some old feelings that have become unexpectedly relevant again, and worrying my head off about you and Cataline and whether or not one or both of you would run away again…Things I should not have stuck my nose into, just like you said. I am one broken piece of work, Nate.”

He shook his head. “Not broken, Thea. I know you better than that, and you have _never_ been broken.” Nathaniel met her eyes. “And I am sorry, about what I said earlier. If not for you, I am not certain that Cat and I would have ever reconnected, and I would not trade the time I have had with her for anything. I hope you know that I did not mean it. I was angry, and frustrated, and I let my temper get the better of me. I was trying to pick a fight.”

“Oh, I know, kitten,” Thea gave a tiny grin. “Who do you think you learned it from?”

He laughed, relief flooding his head. “So, we are obviously making up for lost time on the dramatic reconciliation front, but are we ok?”

“Yeah, Nate,” she replied. “We’re ok. Now we just need to make sure that you and Cat are ok.”

“Right,” he sighed. “You really think she went back to Highever?”

Thea nodded. “Pretty damn positive, actually. Enough that Cullen was on the very next flight west, after he acquired a babysitter for me. And before you ask, no, I am not certain why, but if I had to guess I would say she went to the cemetery.” Her voice was shadowed with concern. “She has not been back there since the funeral.”

“Do you think he will be able to convince her to come back?”

She nodded. “Yes. I did not just send him because I was not well enough to travel, Nate. Of all of us… of all of us, he is the only one who has had two parents die that actually loved him, and who he loved. I do not exactly qualify, nor does Dorian. I suppose Ven could have gone, but I would worry about her exacerbating the situation.” Her voice faltered slightly, and she looked at her still-unsteady hands. “I promise, Nate. Cullen will bring her home.”

“I know,” he reassured her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I trust you, and I know you would not send anyone that was not up to the task. I just hope-”

“Oh do not _even_ start that with me, Nathaniel Adrian Howe,” she narrowed her eyes dangerously. “If you even _think_ about blaming yourself for any of this, I swear to the Maker…”

“Alright, alright,” he chuckled. He helped her stand up, watching as she lovingly placed Teddy back at his post. “Thea, is there any way I can convince you to come downstairs and eat something? Please?”

She sighed, her small half smile returning to her lips. “You know, Nate… yes. I think I am ready.”

“Good,” he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “because if I recall correctly, you have always been a fan of grilled cheese, and I have been told I make a pretty decent one.”

Thea gave him a half smile. “With tomatoes?”

“Of course.”

“Well, how can I turn that down?” She followed him into the kitchen, where Dorian and Anders were sitting and sipping on cups of coffee, their voices hushed. They both stood when she entered, and Nathaniel deposited her safely in the kitchen chair next to them before rummaging around in her cupboards and drawers for the necessary pan and utensils. Anders checked Thea’s pulse at her wrist.

“Hmm… improvement. Your pulse is steady again, but your core temperature is obviously still too low,” he frowned.

“I have agreed to eat a sandwich,” she replied calmly, and both men turned towards Nathaniel with raised eyebrows. He shrugged, focusing on slicing up the tomato. “That should help in the short term. Anders, you know I cannot just start eating like a human being again, it will shock my system and I will just throw it back up. However, I suspect I will need my strength in the days to come. I will… I will try.”

She looked towards him, and Nathaniel could see traces of fear still lingering in her eyes. “Nate, you know what I have to do. Please believe me when I say I take no joy in it.”

He paused long enough to step over to her and place a kiss on her forehead. “Theadosia, after what my father has done to Cat, to Delilah, to you…” He felt a fire rising in his chest, his earlier anger and fear and frustration now focused on a single point.

“I would gladly put a bullet in his head myself.”

 

 

 


	21. Guiding Us Home

_This love, it is a distant star_  
 _Guiding us home wherever we are_  
 _This love, it is a burning sun_  
 _Shining light on the things that we've done._

-“Into the Open Air” by Julie Fowlis

 

* * *

 

 

Cat sat in the passenger seat of Cullen’s car, staring up at the house. They had arrived back five minutes ago, but she had made no move to leave the relative safety of the vehicle, and he seemed content to wait with her until she was ready. He had received a text from Dorian indicating that Thea was alright, so at least that crisis had passed for the moment. Twilight had settled in amidst the trees, casting long shadows across the house and drive. The upper floor was still dark, but she could see the lights of the kitchen warm and inviting on the ground floor.

“Think she’s still angry?”

Cullen chuckled softly and took her by the hand. “Probably. You sure you don’t want to go try and address your other, more pressing matter first?”

She shook her head vigorously. “I need to know… Cull, I need to know if I was even right to come back. If I even have someone to come back to. I would rather face down Thea’s temper and know that first than…”

He gave her hand a comforting squeeze. “I understand.”

Cat exhaled slowly. “Alright. Let’s go inside.”

The evening air was cool as it slipped across her skin, and Cataline knew that summer was slowly losing ground to the inevitable encroachment of autumn. It was Thea’s favorite season, and usually Cat enjoyed it as well, but tonight she was praying that the change in the season would not also herald yet another change that she would not be able to bear. Cullen kept pace with her as she slowly walked up the path to the front door, prompting her to enter before him. She took a deep breath, then stepped into the house.

Johanna made her customary escape attempt only to be stymied by Cullen, who swooped down and caught the black streak of fur before she could get very far. Susannah, the more robust grey and white shorthair, looked up sleepily from where she was lounging by the fireplace, but otherwise did not deign to acknowledge their presence. Besides the cats, the living room was empty and silent but for the merry crackling of the fire that someone had lain in the hearth. In the kitchen, however, Cat could hear the faint sound of at least one voice.

“Cassandra, the amount of fucks I give has officially reached zero. It is, in fact, _scientifically fascinating_ how few fucks I give” she heard Thea growl as she approached, pausing in the doorway as Cullen brushed past her and took a seat beside his wife. “ _Keep. This. Quiet_. We still have no idea who our leak is from the first incident, and I do _not_ want him going to ground when he realizes we know…Alright…Yes…I will let him know… Thank you, Cass. Give Varric my love… Oh don’t act so shocked, I know he’s there.”

Thea ended the call and sat back with a sigh, her eyes squeezed shut and her hand moving instinctively to her forehead as it always did when she was trying to ward off a headache. Cullen wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. Cat glanced at the table, and was surprised to see a plate that had obviously recently held food. She could only hope that Thea had finally eaten something, but she knew better than to push her luck and ask. Instead, she took a tentative step forward, trying to read the expression in Thea’s eyes when her cousin finally looked up.

“Well, well. Look who decided to come home.”

Cat felt a wave of guilt wash over her. “Thea, I’m… I am sorry, Thea. I should not have run off like that without telling you… without telling _anybody_. I realize you must be upset.”

“Good fucking guess.”

“Did you… I mean, does he-”

“Yes.” Thea’s reply was clipped. “Since you disappeared, that responsibility fell to me. I told Nathaniel. He deserved to know the truth, and I decided it would be better to hear it from someone who actually cares about him rather than the evening news, although hopefully Cass and I have nipped that in the bud.” The younger woman sighed.

“Go, Cat. Go talk to him.”

“Thea, I-”

Thea shook her head. “I will still be here, but you two need to deal with this.” She looked up, a spark of challenge shining through the storm of her eyes.

“Or are you going to spend the rest of your life running?”

* * *

She didn’t knock. After having spending the past two weeks living with him, it seemed superfluous. Instead, she slipped quietly into the front room, her heart seizing in pain when she saw him. Nathaniel was sitting on one of the two sofas, facing the fireplace with his head in his hands and his shoulders hunched over. When he heard her enter, he sat up suddenly, the flickering light of the fire casting his eyes in silver as he stared at her. She swallowed against the lump in her throat.

“Nathaniel, I… I’m so sorry…”

He crossed the space between them in two long strides, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her tight against his chest. “Cataline,” he whispered hoarsely, “I was so afraid… I was _so afraid_ you were not coming home.” She clung to him, burying her face against his shoulder and trying, then failing, to stem the flow of tears. His hand stroked her hair gently, but his embrace still held her close, for which she was grateful. For a long time, they simply stood there, holding each other while she sobbed against his chest. When she was finally able to take a breath, Nathaniel gently guided her to the couch, holding out his arms and helping her settle on his lap.

“Wildflower, _I_ am sorry,” he murmured, his forehead leaning forward and touching hers. “This whole mess… I cannot help but feel that I could have prevented it.”

“No,” she whispered fiercely, “don’t you _dare_ apologize for what your father did.”

He chuckled softly. “You sound like Thea. She gave me a similar admonishment this afternoon.”

Cataline sighed, nestling closer to him. “I should _never_ have put her in that position. I should have been the one to talk to you, I just- I just needed time to clear my head. In an interesting turn of events, I was convinced _you_ were going to leave again when you found out.”

Nathaniel frowned, tilting her chin so that she was facing him. “Why in the name of the Maker would _I_ leave? Cataline, my entire life is here. _You_ are here. Had Thea not tracked you down, I was getting ready to call in every favor I am owed to try and find you and convince you to come home.”

“I always intended to come home,” she whispered. “The thought of losing you… I just couldn’t bear it. After everything else the Maker has taken from me, I thought that perhaps I would be allowed to keep you.”

She felt him rest his head on hers, the soft fall of his hair brushing against her cheek. “Always, my Wildflower. You will _always_ have me. If you can look past my family-”

“Delilah is perfectly nice,” she smiled, pressing her lips against the base of his neck.

“And I am…?” He laughed.

She sighed, tension bleeding from her body. “You are _everything_ , Nathaniel.”

“I love you, Cataline.”

“I love you, too.” Despite her best efforts, she could feel exhaustion rapidly overtaking her. “I should,” she yawned, “I should really go talk to Thea. She is not terribly pleased, and I fear she will be more difficult to placate than you.”

“Thea does not expect you back in tonight,” he reassured her. “And I have faith that Cullen will not let her work too late. She and I had a long talk this afternoon.”

“I worry about her.”

“I know, Sweetheart,” he brushed his thumb over her cheek softly, “I do too.”

Cat did not protest when Nathaniel scooped her up in his arms and carried her upstairs, helping her undress before he tucked her into bed and slipped in beside her. With the comforting warmth of his body at her back, she drifted easily to sleep.

Despite the chaos, she was at peace. 

* * *

 

Cataline slept later than she had in years, not waking until the sun was already several hours risen. She stretched sleepily, glancing over to the other side of the bed. Nathaniel was already awake but still beside her, paging through a book. When he saw she was awake, he set it aside and gave her the small, tender smile she knew was meant only for her. He bent down and brushed a soft kiss against her lips, smoothing a lock of her hair away from her face.

“As soon as you are ready, love,” he spoke softly, “we should go speak with Thea and Cullen. We need to decide what, if anything, we are going to do.”

She nodded, reluctantly dragging herself from the bed and running through her morning routine haphazardly, not even bothering to braid her hair and instead pinning it up in a messy knot at the nape of her neck. Nathaniel took her hand as they walked up the slope to the main house and entered the kitchen through the back door. Thea and Cullen were already sitting at the kitchen island, the latter giving them a small smile and the former most likely already on her third cup of coffee. To Cat’s surprise, when Nathaniel grabbed an orange from the fruit bowl and tossed it in her direction, Thea caught it without looking and began peeling it without argument, popping slices in her mouth even as her eyes moved rapidly over a police report.

“How in Thedas…” she looked at him, but he just smiled and shrugged.

“Sleep well?” Her cousin finally spoke, still not looking in her direction.

“Yes,” Cataline replied uncertainly. She was used to Thea’s temper, but this was almost worse. It felt as though she were waiting for the fuse on a bomb to burn down. “Thea, I wanted to apologize again. For yesterday. I should not have made any of this your responsibility.”

“No, Catkin, I managed that just fine on my own,” Thea sighed, pushing back away from the kitchen island and standing to pour herself another cup of coffee. “I am the one who pushed this. I am the one who kept pushing even after Fergus told me to let it rest. I should have just left it alone, but I didn’t, and now I have to deal with the consequences.” Thea finally looked up at her, and Cat could see the shadows under her eyes had deepened. “And I am sorry.”

“Thea, you cannot blame yourself for this one I’m afraid,” Cat approached her cousin and placed an arm around her, and Thea leaned her head against her shoulder. “If I recall correctly, I put my metaphorical stamp of approval on everything you did, and I was even there for some of it. And let’s say we _hadn’t_ pursued it: do you really believe Cass would have left it alone? She sees something wrong, she fixes it. That is just her nature.”

“Besides,” Nathaniel gave them a wry smile, “better a man you already hate than one you do not. And at least now you have the answers you sought, even if they are not what you perhaps hoped for.”

Thea managed a small half smile of her own. “True enough. In any case, it is done now.”

They all sat without speaking for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. “So,” Thea broke the silence, “where do we go from here?”

Nathaniel shrugged, his arm twining around Cat’s waist. “I do not intend to go anywhere. Or at least, nowhere without Cataline.”

“I am staying right here,” Cat smiled up at him, her heart feeling at ease for the first time in over a year. “I think that, finally, we are all right where we need to be. We are home.”

“And glad I am to hear it,” Cullen finally spoke up, “but that still leaves the question of Rendon Howe. He is still out there and, quite frankly, still dangerous. The fact that we have no idea where he is, but that he is obviously capable of ordering his best friend murdered, is not at all comforting.”

Cat felt Nathaniel’s arm tighten slightly around her in a protective reflex. “I agree, but I also do not have the slightest idea where he may have slithered off too. I have not spoken to my father in over ten years. He may have returned to Amaranthine, I suppose, but that almost seems too obvious.”

“Cassandra is pursuing this?” Cat kept her tone calm as she looked to Thea, who nodded.

“Yes. I was able to persuade her that, for now at least, this needs to be kept quiet. At the moment, our greatest advantage is that Rendon doesn’t _know_ that we know. As far as he is concerned, we washed our hands of the embezzlement charges and he is off the hook. I think…” Thea took a deep breath. “Maybe this is our chance to step away. Cassandra knows what she is doing, and as long as we do not seem like a threat, perhaps…” She shrugged.

Cat exchanged a glance with Nathaniel, who shook his head slightly. “We both know that is unlikely, Thea,” she replied gently. “I doubt Rendon is thinking rationally anymore, and if he still sees us as an obstacle, then the odds are not good that he will simply leave us be. We need to finish this.”

To Cat’s surprise and slight disconcertion, Thea smiled, a familiar spark shining behind her eyes.

“In that case… I may have some thoughts…”

 

 

 

 


	22. Like Silent Raindrops Fell (Interlude)

-Interlude-

 

_Fools, said I, You do not know:_  
 _Silence, like a cancer, grows._  
 _Hear my words that I might teach you._  
 _Take my arms that I might reach you._

-“The Sound of Silence” as performed by Disturbed

 

* * *

 

 

_13 Firstfall, 9:41 Dragon_

 

Thea stared at the chess board, trying to puzzle out her next move. The warm crackling of the fire blended with the steady sounds of rain that would too soon turn to snow and Susannah’s throaty purr as Cullen stroked her fur. Normally, the domestic symphony would be enough to calm her nerves, but Thea’s frustration was quickly reaching a breaking point. She was not certain why she had agreed to play; she hated chess even under the best of circumstances, yet consistently seemed to fall for men who loved it. Despite her best efforts, her proficiency seemed to stall at middling, and she had never once won a game against her husband. But it was one of Cullen’s favorite pastimes, and so she would occasionally subject herself to the ordeal to make him happy.

_Maker knows he puts up with enough of my shit_.

She picked up her knight, her eyes looking at the pieces in front of her without really seeing them. Her thoughts were elsewhere, and she knew she ought to just move a pawn or do something else destructive to put an end to her misery.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Thea looked up and blinked briefly. “Sorry?”

Cullen stood and moved to sit beside her on the sofa, reaching out his arms and waiting as she nestled up against his chest with a soft sigh. “You are more distracted than usual, which is saying something given that most of our games end with you slowly unbuttoning your shirt until I surrender.”

She leaned back and flashed him a brief grin. “You’re saying you’d rather I was distracting rather than distracted?”

He chuckled. “Generally speaking, yes, but not my point. What’s wrong, love?”

Thea rested her head back against his shoulder. “I worry, Cullen. I never used to worry: I used to thoroughly not give a fuck. Now I worry constantly.”

“You’re a bad liar,” he murmured against her ear as he brushed a kiss to her temple. “You have always worried about them. And me. And the rest of your friends. The girls. Whether or not you will be required to wear heels at any given function.” She gave him a light punch in the arm, but she smiled despite herself.

“Yes, but you and I both know this is different.” She rose from the comfort of his embrace and stood at the large picture window that looked out over the front yard, her hand going instinctively to her locket. It was to Cullen’s credit that he had never once asked her to get rid of it, or even to stop wearing it. He understood; perhaps even better than she did. She loved him all the more for that kindness. His arms circled around her waist, holding her close. “I have spent almost my entire life trying to protect Cataline, even when she probably did not need me to. I have spent the better part of the last decade trying to protect Nathaniel from his father’s stupidity. And now I am not certain if I can protect either of them.”

She felt the warm exhale of his breath against the top of her head, and she leaned back against his chest. Thea had promised Cassandra that she would give her two months to try and find Howe herself. She had even relented and agreed to loop Leliana back in, even though she was still furious with the woman. Now, the time was up. Cassandra and Leliana would continue their investigations, but Thea would not be content to sit and wait. Not after what had happened three nights ago.

“Have you told them?”

“Of course not,” she sighed. “What purpose would it serve? They would only worry.”

“Yes, but if they are targeted next…”

Thea knew her husband was right. “I will speak with her tomorrow. I have no idea how long it has been since she trained, but I know it is not recent. She has to be able to defend herself.”

“I assume Martín and Padraig are willing to help?” He asked.

“Of course,” Thea nodded. “They know everything. Dad was honestly surprised it took me this long to come to them, but they both figured I would be stubborn and try to puzzle it out on my own. Papa will work with Cataline. Less likely to spook the poor woman.”

“Hmm,” Cullen hummed in agreement. “You know she is probably going to fight you on this.”

She frowned. “Oh, I am counting on it. But I will not have her safety jeopardized.”

“You’ve reached out to the others?”

“This morning,” she confirmed. “They should be here tomorrow.”

“Then I believe you have done all you can do, my love,” he turned her so that she was facing him but kept his arms around her. Cullen glanced over at the chess board. “So. Are we actually going to try and finish this game, or should we just move right to the part where you try to distract me from your abysmal game play with sex?”

Thea laughed, dancing nimbly out of his reach and moving towards the stairs, eyebrow raised in mock indignation. “Perhaps if you find fault with my tactics, Cullen, you should find someone _else_ to play with.”

“Oh I most definitely do _not_ find fault with them…”

 


	23. Trying to Battle the Night

_I stand behind the wall of people and thoughts, mind controlling_  
 _And I hold a sword to guide me_  
 _I'm fighting my way._

-“Warrior” by Aurora

  

* * *

 

 

_“No.”_

Cat’s reply to Thea’s proposal was flat and brooked no argument, but Nathaniel knew damn well that didn’t mean his best friend was not about to give her one. He had known both women for over twenty years, and he had rarely seen them disagree, let alone fight, but he could see temper sparking behind Thea’s eyes even as Cat lifted her delicate chin in defiance. Cullen was, perhaps wisely, standing off to the side making coffee. When Nathaniel caught his eye, the other man just shook his head slightly, his message clear.

_I’m staying out of this one_.

“Cataline, this is not a matter for debate,” Thea growled. “You need to pick your self-defense training back up. It has been, what, five years? Six? If you had to spar with me today, who do you think would win?”

“Be serious, Theadosia,” Cat shot back. “You have been training with your fathers nearly every week for years. I have not.”

“Exactly!” Thea practically shouted. “So that I can defend myself, and you, since you seem to have zero interest in your own self preservation!” She took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was more even but still strained. “I am not asking you to go sign up for the damn military, I am just asking you to take one evening a week to work with me, Dad, and Papa so that if someone comes after you, you will be able to defend yourself. Papa said he would be happy to work with you; says you were a natural with the blades back when you were still practicing, even if you don’t want to have to… to deal with other weapons.”

Nathaniel knew Thea had stopped short of suggesting that Cataline learn how to shoot a gun, but her cousin obviously knew that was where conversation was headed. Personally, he agreed with Thea: she had been tactfully trying to steer Cat in this direction for the past two months. Really, every since they had decided they were going to try and track down his father, but Cat had dug in her heels at every turn. He worried about her, but he was also not certain he was willing to put himself between the two cousins.

“Cat,” Thea sighed wearily, “I know you do not want to deal with this, but it would make me feel better. It would make us _all_ feel better,” she shot a pointed glance in his direction, but he kept his mouth firmly shut. “What would you do if I wasn’t there? Or if something happened to me? I promised Uncle Bryce I would take care of you, but what if _I’m not there?_ ”

“I am not having this discussion again,” Cataline mumbled, standing up abruptly and walking out the back door. Through the kitchen windows he could see her stalking down towards the Loft, and he wondered if it would be better to follow or give her time to cool off. Thea threw up her hands in frustration, then reached into the fruit bowl on the counter and began aggressively peeling an orange before retreating to the living room.

“At least she’s eating better,” Nathaniel observed quietly. Ever since he had realized what Thea was fighting, he had tried to be more mindful about helping her eat.

Cullen allowed himself a wry smile. “Yes, and don’t think I do not appreciate the help. Your support has meant a lot to both of us. At this junction, however, our saving grace is that Thea is not stupid. She has been training more, and she knows damn well that if she does not eat she cannot fight.” He shrugged. “I take my victories where I can find them.” Their discussion was interrupted by the sounds of enthusiastic greetings echoing from the front hall. The two men poked their heads out of the kitchen.

Nathaniel watched with a mix of curiosity and confusion as an attractive Rivaini woman with hair as dark as night and laughing amber eyes scooped Thea up in her arms and planted an enthusiastic kiss square on her lips, leaving his friend laughing and shaking her head. Next was a lithe elven man with silvery blond hair who also wrapped Thea in an affectionate embrace and bestowed her with a kiss that went on a bit longer than was strictly necessary, prompting a subtle _ahem_ from Cullen to announce their presence. The woman threw her arms wide as Cullen and Nathaniel entered the living room.

“Cullen! It’s been far too long, and you still look far too serious.” She pressed a firm kiss against his lips before stepping back with a mischievous smile, leaving Cullen with a brilliant flush in his cheeks. The elven man stepped forward as well, but Cullen held up his hands.

“Do not even think about it, Zev.”

“Ah, still no sense of adventure I see,” Zevran Arainai threw them a broad wink. A third visitor entered the house, carrying a large bag that he set on the floor. His silver hair fell in careless locks over his shockingly green eyes, and elaborate tattoos marked his face and hands. He said nothing, but inclined his head in greeting towards Thea, who returned the gesture.

“Ooo, and who is _this_?” Their attention was turned in Nathaniel’s direction, and he suddenly felt very uneasy.

Thea laughed quietly, a small half smile playing across her lips. “Hands off that one, Bela. _That_ is Nathaniel. My best friend, and Cat’s boyfriend.”

“Well _damn_ ,” Isabela eyed him appraisingly, and he could feel a faint heat rising in his cheeks. “Little Catkin did _not_ oversell you, did she? Mmmm.” Nathaniel glanced over at Thea for help, but she was desperately trying not to laugh, covering her mouth with her hand and shaking with silent giggles.

“Nathaniel, this is Isabela, and despite appearances to the contrary, she is mostly harmless. Well, harmless to _us_ , anyways. This,” she gestured to the blond elf, “is Zevran. And this is Fenris,” she gestured to the somber elf who was still hanging slightly back. “They are all old friends, and have graciously agreed to lend their unique skill sets to helping me track down your rat bastard of a father.”

“Ah… nice to meet you… I think,” he replied uncertainly. They settled around the living room: Fenris standing sentry by the mantle, Cullen sitting beside his wife and wrapping an arm around her shoulders with a brief look of warning at Zevran, who sat on the opposite couch beside Isabela. Nathaniel took the seat on the other side of Thea and waited for her to begin speaking, since it was obviously her circus.

“Alright, kittens, you’ve all been given the brief on what we are looking at here,” she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Basically, we are trying to find a needle in a haystack. To put it in perspective: even the Nightingale has not been able to track this son of a bitch down, and I am starting to get a little antsy. Rendon Howe should _not_ have been able to disappear this effectively, not by himself. I think he had help. Figuring out _who_ has been helping him, and why, is our current objective.”

“You may be giving my father too much credit, Thea,” Nathaniel remarked drily. “Your theory assumes that someone would actually _want_ to help him, and the last person who he may have been able to call ‘friend’ is now buried in Highever.”

“I thought of that,” she admitted, “but Rendon was nothing if not mercenary in his ambitions. I doubt he has a benefactor, but rather an ally: someone who is getting something of value in exchange for keeping Rendon out of our sight and out of police custody.”

“Thea, that… that would take a _remarkable_ amount of power and influence,” Nathaniel pointed out.

She nodded in agreement, her eyes dark. “Yes,” she muttered, almost to herself, “Yes it would. Enough that going through… _traditional_ … channels has not served us well. Cassandra has given me limited permissions to pursue this on my own, under the supervision of a team of former Special Forces black ops officers.”

“You brat,” Isabela laughed. “That’s just a fancy way of saying that daddy’s girl got her way again. Cass just trusts Martín and Padraig to keep you in line.”

Thea shrugged with a small half smile. “If it works…”

“I cannot help but notice that you seem to have neglected to invite the lovely Ravenna to this little party,” Zevran raised an eyebrow in Thea’s direction. “If I remember correctly, she used to be quite the accomplished, some might even say infamous, tracker and bounty hunter. Have you already spoken with her and simply decided to deprive us of her stunning presence?”

“Don’t let Anders hear you talk like that,” Thea shot back. “As for Ven…” she hesitated, and Nathaniel could see she seemed vaguely uncomfortable. “I will talk to her later. There are some things that she and I need to discuss before she gets involved with this.”

It was not really an answer, but no one challenged her on it. “Your message sounded urgent, Theadosia,” Fenris spoke up, his tone thoughtful. “You have been dealing with this ever since your aunt and uncle were murdered. Why bring us in now?”

Nathaniel noticed that, for the first time since they had started, Thea looked uncertain. “Well… two reasons, really,” she finally replied. “First, the two month window Cassandra imposed on me has run up. My hands were tied before now. Second,” she sighed, glancing in his direction briefly before looking back to Fenris. “I suspect that our investigations, quiet as we have kept them, have not gone completely unnoticed. Three nights ago, when I was leaving the bar after my show, someone tried to attack me.”

“ _WHAT._ ”

“And _that_ is why I didn’t tell you sooner,” Thea looked at him sideways. “I did not want you to worry, Nate. I had it under control. And Cullen has been by my side ever since. I am _not_ without defenses of my own.”  
  
“Damn it, Thea,” Nathaniel growled, “I thought we agreed we weren’t keeping secrets anymore?”

She sighed, taking his hand in hers. “I know. I am sorry, Nathaniel. Honestly, I would have told you, but then _you_ would have told Cat, and she has enough on her mind right now. I did not want to ask you to keep secrets from her, either.”

“I…” he took a deep breath, then gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I suppose I can understand that. But still-”

“Next time a guy jumps me in a dark alley, I promise I’ll let you know,” she assured him. “Coincidentally, if any of you run across a gentleman with a blade wound in his left ass cheek, would you see if I could get my throwing knife back? It was part of a set handcrafted by Dagna, and I hate to have to ask her for a new one.”

“I will search every ass in the city if I must, darling Teddy,” Zevran winked at her.

“And I appreciate the sacrifice Zev, I’m sure,” she retorted. “In the meantime, what have you all found? I know it is short notice.”

The three newcomers glanced at each other. “You seem to have kicked a hornet’s nest, Theadosia,” Fenris finally spoke up. “I checked your systems as you requested, and someone has definitely been trying to hack the firewall. They are good: I am better. I added new encryptions and replaced some of the outdated coding so Seawolf and Steed should be protected, but you may want to send out a refresher on common sense practices to your employees.”

“Noted,” Thea nodded. Anything else?”

“Oh, it gets worse,” Isabela remarked, her tone surprisingly grim. “Zev and I have both picked up on a _lot_ of movement within our… unique… circles. Someone is pouring a lot of money into merc groups, and at least one assassin band, possibly the same one that was hired to kill Bryce and Eleanor. This is troublesome for three reasons: first, no one has hired us yet, and we are the best. If there is profit to be had, they should be lining my pockets. The fact that we have not been approached is… suspicious. Second, they all seem to be convening in Ferelden. Not in Denerim itself yet, but they are on the outskirts and moving closer. Third, there seems to be a common name being whispered amongst this charming ensemble.”

Isabela turned and looked Nathaniel directly in the eye.

“And I’ll give you three guesses as to what that name is.”

 


	24. You Are Not Alone in This

_Cold is the water_   
_It freezes your already cold mind_   
_Already cold, cold mind_   
_And death is at your doorstep_   
_And it will steal your innocence_   
_But it will not steal your substance._

-“Timshel” by Mumford and Sons

 

* * *

 

 

_21 August, 9:40 Dragon_

_St. Andraste’s felt cold, even though outside the city was awash in the warmth of summer. Cataline did not feel the chill anymore; however. She was not certain she could feel anything. The fluorescent lights overhead hummed with a quiet electricity, and the noise almost offended her for some reason, but soon even that faded from her awareness. All she could do was to keep replaying the phone call from Aveline over and over in her head. The call that had informed her that her parents had been shot._

_Fergus sat beside her, utterly mute. He was still wearing the clothes he had been wearing at the shore, where he and his wife had taken their young son for the day. Thea stood off to the side, exchanging quiet words with Inspector Cassandra Pentaghast. She was ever more pale than usual, but she at least was able to form coherent sentences. Thea had been the one who had picked them up and brought them in, and she was the one who had fielded questions from doctors and police and, finally, the surgeon. She’d signed paperwork and given terse instructions, refusing to let anyone get any closer to Cat and Fergus than they absolutely needed to._

_Cat couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be until Thea broke as well._

_“Cataline?”_

_She turned in the direction of a sweet, gentle voice to face Bethany Hawke, Ravenna’s younger sister and Cat and Thea’s first cousin once removed. Her hazel eyes were bleary, and Cataline knew that she had been crying. Thea glanced in her direction, but Cat just nodded, and Bethany was allowed to approach after giving Thea a long hug. She sat beside her, taking her hand and not trying to make it better. Cat knew that, of anyone, Beth and Ven would come closest to understanding how she felt, but she also didn’t want to hear it right now, and she knew that Beth would understand that too. Her presence was enough._

_The surgeon stepped out of the hall leading to the operating room, drying his freshly washed hands on a towel and bearing the look of a man who has watched the hope die out of too many eyes. He glanced at Thea, and Cat could tell the other woman knew even before the surgeon opened his mouth. When he spoke, he addressed Cat and Fergus. “I’m sorry. We did our best, but…” his voice trailed off, and she could tell that for all the man had probably made this speech before, it seemed no easier for the familiarity. “Would you like to say goodbye?”_

_Cat and her brother stood, and she almost felt as if she was moving through a dream. Thea moved to let them pass, but Fergus took her hand in his and gently guided her through the door. “You were as much their child as we were, Theadosia,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly on the words as he fought to hold back the sobs Cataline knew must be tearing at his throat. “And you are as a sister to me. You should have a chance to say goodbye as well.”_

_Whatever strength had been holding Thea up fled at Fergus’s words, and Cat saw her lean a little more heavily against her cousin’s shoulder as they entered the room where Bryce and Eleanor lay._ No, _she corrected herself_ , not Bryce and Eleanor. _These bodies, they… whatever her parents had been had long since departed. She froze, unable to move any closer, while Thea stepped forward and placed a loving hand against her aunt’s cheek, and then her uncle’s. The nurses had gently washed the bodies, covering up the areas where the bullets had torn through flesh, but still Cataline found herself rooted to the spot. She knew she should say something,_ anything, _but her tongue failed and her body betrayed her. This was the last time she would see her parents, and yet some part of her was refusing to acknowledge that reality._

_Thea glanced at her, and in her cousin’s stormy eyes she saw understanding. The younger woman nodded, briefly, then bent and placed a soft kiss against each forehead._

_“I will mourn your deaths,” Thea whispered, the words tinged with grief and rage in equal measures. “I will mourn, and then I swear to you I will track down the son of a bitch responsible for this and I will… I will make sure they do not give anyone else reason to grieve.”_

* * *

 

 

Cataline later learned that Thea had not eaten for a week after that, her worst relapse in almost three years, and even after that she only allowed herself the barest minimum to survive for months. She had instead dedicated every waking moment that she was not at Seawolf and Steed to working with Cassandra and Aveline to try and find some small clue as to what had really happened that night. Her cousin became a pillar of support for the Cousland siblings, and though she had never wanted to be thrust into the leadership position she had been given, she weathered the storm.

Cat honestly was not certain what she would have done without Thea at her side. Survived, probably, but she would have emerged from the ordeal far more bloody and broken than she had entered, and she very much doubted her soul would have been intact. Thea had even tried to help her find Nathaniel’s father when Cat had feared the worst, despite doing her damndest to dissuade her from that course of action. Then, it was Thea who argued Morrigan into acquiescence and set her to protecting the surviving Howe siblings as best she could.

And when Cataline had stopped training with Martín and Padraig, Thea had been disappointed, but said she understood: told her that it was probably for the best to only have one lethal Mac Eanraig woman at a time, and had let the matter rest. Until now. The fact that Thea was pressing this meant that she was worried, and if Thea was worried… 

“Are you alright, Wildflower?”

Nathaniel’s voice was soft, but she jumped nonetheless. “You are just _impossibly_ light on your feet, you know that?” She shot him a withering glance, but he just gave her the small smile that he knew made her weak, and she sighed. He sat on the bed beside her, pulling her close and leaning his head against hers, his lips brushing a careful kiss against her hair. “I am sorry I stormed off like that. Is Thea still angry?”

“She was never angry,” he tilted her head so that she was facing him. “Frustrated, certainly, and worried. But in her defense, I may be a bit more skittish as well had I been jumped in a dark alley by an inept assassin.”

“She _what?_ ”

“Yes, that was my reaction as well,” he replied drily. “It apparently happened three nights ago after her show. It was the one we missed because we were… otherwise engaged…”

Cat couldn’t help but smile a bit at the memory of just _how_ they had been engaged, but her expression grew serious again as the gravity of what Nathaniel had just told her sunk in. “And _why_ am I only just now hearing about this?”

“She did not want you to worry,” he brushed a stray lock of hair away from her eyes. “And she knew if she told me I would tell you, so I did not know either. Had I not been there when the others arrived, I may _still_ be in the dark.”

“Others?” She raised an eyebrow in question.

“Ah, yes… you and your cousin certainly run in interesting company,” he laughed softly. “I believe I was introduced to an Isabela, Zevran, and Fenris?”

“Oh,” Cat felt a twinge of guilt. “I am sorry, Nate. I should have been there. I love those three dearly, but at least two of them can be a bit… forward.”

“I can take a guess as to which two,” he laid down on the bed and she curled up next to him, resting her head on his chest while he idly rubbed her back. “But it was fine. Thea made it clear in no uncertain terms that I am thoroughly spoken for, although I thought Cullen was going to burst a blood vessel when Zevran just about had his tongue down her throat.”

Despite herself, Cat laughed. “Oh, I’m sure they’re fine. I think we mentioned that Thea and Zev were involved for a while. Long, _long_ before she met Cullen, and they ended it amicably. Zev knows that flirting with her gets Cullen riled up, and he knows that it _always_ ends well for Thea, so there is really no harm done in the long run.”

“Hm,” he murmured. “And are _you_ still angry?”

She nuzzled closer against his shoulder. “No. Thea has always done her best to do right by me, even when she was at her most self-destructive. And for the most part, she has not pressed me for the past year to do anything I was not ready to do. If she is forcing the issue now… it must mean that things are worse than I thought. I just-” She stopped short.

“What’s wrong, Cat?”

“I stopped training regularly several years ago, just like Thea said,” she spoke softly, “but that is not when I gave it up all together. I was still sparring from time to time all the way up until…”

His arms wrapped around her more tightly. “Oh sweetheart…”

“Ever since they died,” she forced herself to continue, “I have not been able to pick up even our practice weapons, or face Thea on the sparring mat, or… or anything. I’ve lost my edge, and I did not have much of one to begin with.”

“Thea seems to think otherwise,” he countered gently.

Cat propped herself up on her elbow so she could face Nathaniel. “Do you think she is right?”

Nathaniel hesitated. “I feel like this is a trap, love.”

“No,” she shook her head, a small smile tugging at her lips. “I will never intentionally try to trick you like that. But I do trust your opinion,” she bent down and pressed her lips against his, allowing the familiar warmth and taste of his mouth to drown out the worry in her mind. When she pulled away, she raised her eyebrows in expectation, and he exhaled deeply.

“You want my honest opinion?”

“I do.”

His hand returned to the small of her back, his thumb tracing lazy circles against her bare skin beneath her shirt, sending a shiver down her spine. “Then yes, I agree with Thea. I would be devastated if anything happened to you, Wildflower, and she seems to believe that you are perfectly capable of being able to defend yourself with a little conditioning and some refresher courses. Void, it probably would not hurt for me to sit in on a few.”

Cat nodded slowly. “Alright, love. If anyone is going to have my best interests at heart, it would be you and Thea. I will at least think about it.”

“That’s all I ask,” he pulled her down so that he could kiss her again, and for the first time since she had left the main house, Cat felt like maybe things would be alright after all.

At some point, both she and Nathaniel drifted to sleep, not waking again until the sun had nearly set and stars had risen in the twilight sky. He groaned slightly when she stirred and made a half hearted effort to keep her in bed. “We’ve stayed this long. If you really feel the need to mix it up we could just do the same thing but without the clothing.”

She smiled, his offer more tempting than she let on. “I should really go try and make up with Thea. Besides, I would like to see Zev and the others before they leave.” Dusting a light kiss against his nose, she slipped out of bed. “If you want to wait here, I am just going to dash up to the main house for a bit and say hello to everyone, see if Thea is in a forgiving mood.”

He shook his head. “I will come with you. For moral support,” he returned her smile with one of his own, taking her hand as she stepped out of the bedroom and down the stairs. By the time they left the Loft, the sky had grown dark, and they had to rely on the steady glow of the lights from Thea’s kitchen to guide them up the sloping lawn. Suddenly, Nathaniel paused, his hand moving instinctively to the small of her back.

“Did you hear that?”

Cat frowned slightly, “No. What did you-” Her words were cut short by a strange hand clapped over her mouth, and she felt herself being yanked back away from Nathaniel. In the fading light she saw him spin around, but before he could take more than a step in her direction her assailant released her with a dull grunt and a thud as he fell to the ground. Two flashlights flickered to life, and Cat turned towards her saviors while still gasping for breath. Nathaniel wrapped his arms around her tightly, and she could feel his heart beating fast against his chest. Meanwhile, the owner of one of the flashlights hunched over and poked at the man who had tried to abduct Cat, poking at him unceremoniously before grinning up at her.

“My darling Cataline,” Zevran purred, “it has been far too long.”

The other flashlight belonged to Thea, who had used the implement to whack the would-be assassin at the base of his skull. She did not look at Cataline, only at the man who lay unconscious at her feet.

“Isabela,” she called softly, and a third shadow moved in the dark, “call Cassandra. Oh, and tell her when she is done with him I’ll want my knife back. Zev, be a lamb and ensure our guest does not go anywhere before the chief inspector arrives.” Finally, she turned her gaze in Cat’s direction, and she knew what she was going to say even before Thea spoke.

“No more waiting, Cataline. We begin tomorrow.”

 

 


	25. Forever Trusting Who We Are

_Trust I seek and I find in you_   
_Every day for us something new_   
_Open mind for a different view_   
_And nothing else matters._

-“Nothing Else Matters” as performed by Lissie

 

* * *

 

 

If Nathaniel had been a betting man, he would have put smart money on no one having gotten much sleep that night. 

After Chief Inspector Pentaghast had come and taken their statements, she had hauled Cat’s attacker off to try and pry what information she could out of him. Based on the very little he knew of the inspector, he almost felt sorry for the assassin. Or perhaps, he _would_ have felt sorry for him had he not tried to harm the one woman in the world he would gladly lay down his life for. He was still angry that he had not been able to protect her, even though both Cataline and, later on, Thea, had pointed out there was absolutely nothing he could have done. Thea added that it was only because Nathaniel had even heard anything and stopped short that the assailant had moved too soon, throwing off his plan of attack. The fact that she and the others had been on their way to the loft was just sheer, maker-blessed luck.

He had refused to let Cat out of his sight for the rest of the night, and she seemed willing enough to remain there. Memories of her clinging to him, trembling with both relief and rage, still burned in his mind, and even now as they lay in bed he was reluctant to let go of her. Cataline was stronger than she looked; she always had been, despite her reticence to believe it herself, but he finally understood the fierce protectiveness with which Thea watched over her cousin. Because if Cassandra had arrived much later than she had, Nathaniel very well may have beaten the assassin to death with his bare hands.

A small murmur drifted up from where Cataline was shifting beside him, her body instinctively moving closer to his. He looped an arm around her waist to draw her flush against his body, sinking into the warmth of her skin and pressing a series of whispered kisses against her cheek. Nathaniel knew that neither of them wanted to face the reality of the day; would rather spend their weekend as they often did, curled up together in bed or on the sofa, watching a movie or just talking for hours on end and simply enjoying the fact that, after so long, they were finally together.

“Ready to wake up, Wildflower?” He whispered, running his hand along the length of her arm.

“Not even remotely,” she grumbled. “I am afraid I did not sleep well.”

“Me either,” he admitted. “You know Thea will not ask you to do too much today. She said she mainly wants you to come and start re-familiarizing yourself. And from what you’ve told me, it should be good for you to see Martín and Padraig again. Assuming they don’t try and murder me on sight for leaving.”

That prompted a tired giggle. “They will not. Thea may be their daughter, but that makes me their niece, and I am fairly confident I am their favorite niece. Well, their _only_ niece,” she rolled over so that she was facing him. “And they will be thrilled to see that you have come home.”

He smiled at her, running his hand along the curves of her cheek and down the delicate lines of her neck and shoulder. “Not as thrilled as I am,” he murmured as he bent down to claim her lips with his own. “Maker’s breath, but I love you, Cataline.”

“I love you too,” she rubbed her nose affectionately against his. “But you are right. We should probably get up and get moving. I guarantee Thea is already out there waiting.”

“When was she adopted, by the way?” He asked as they stepped into the bathroom and he reached for his toothbrush.

“About three days after her natural parents died,” Cat replied through a mouthful of toothpaste foam. She spat into the sink, then began running a comb through her hair. “They had had the paperwork ready for months; maybe years, for all I know. Those two men absolutely adore Thea. It is almost funny: after seven years of having no parents to speak of, she ended up with four.” He took the comb from her hand and gently worked out the last of the tangles before weaving the long, silky locks into a simple braid that Cat then pinned up at the nape of her neck. “Alright,” she sighed. “Let’s grab a quick bite to eat and then I had better go face the proverbial music.”

 

* * *

 

Cataline must have been right: Thea had to have been outside for a while by the time they arrived. A rough sparring circle had been set up on a piece of relatively flat land, and a small crowd had gathered and were watching intently as the young woman wielded a pair of practice daggers against a towering, barrel-chested man with a fiery red beard and shocking blue eyes. He had more ash amidst the fire than Nathaniel remembered, but he would have recognized Padraig anywhere. Thea’s father caught her on a spinning kick and knocked her neatly to the ground with a broad grin.

“ _Again_.”

A calm, almost amused voice called out, and he recognized the tall, lean figure of Thea’s other father, Martín.  The Orlesian also had traces of silver in his dark hair, but his eyes still sparkled with emerald light, and the command was encouragement rather than admonishment. Thea was already rolling back to her feet and stepping lightly away from Padraig’s dagger, laughing brightly. Nathaniel wondered how long she had been practicing: despite the chill in the morning air, her tank top was soaked with sweat and her cheeks were flushed. As they approached, Martín turned and gave them a warm smile.

“Ah, there is our little Catkin,” he wrapped Cataline in a warm embrace, kissing the top of her head. To Nathaniel’s great surprise, he then reached out and embraced him as well. “And Nathaniel. Maker take me, but it has been too long. I am pleased to see you have finally found your way home.”

“As am I, Martín,” he replied. “You are well, I hope?”

“I am,” Martín nodded before returning his attention to Cataline. “And I understand I am to be working with you, yes? I know little Thea has been badgering you to come back for some time, but if you are not ready…”

Cataline chuckled wryly at his side. “Ready or not, I think the decision has been made for me. I can no longer afford the luxury of blissful unawareness.”

“True enough,” Martín sighed in resignation. “Thea told me of last night’s… incident. Are both of you alright?”

“I am not the one who was almost abducted. Or worse.” Nathaniel shivered at the memory and gripped Cataline’s hand a little tighter.

Martín gave him a small smile. “Perhaps not, but I know how trying it is to have someone you love threatened.” His gaze drifted to the sparring ring where Thea was gracefully dodging strikes. “That one has had to fight demons her entire life, even the ones we could not always see.”

Nathaniel watched as Thea made as though to charge towards Padraig, who braced for the attack. At the last moment, however, she stopped short, leaping nimbly to the side and throwing the broad man off balance. With an almost elegant bound, she suddenly looped her arm around his neck and swung herself onto his back before laying the edges of both practice daggers neatly at his throat. Padraig’s deep, rumbling laugh echoed in the winter mist.

“That’s my girl!” He roared, his rich Starkhaven brogue bright with unabashed pride as Thea dropped the daggers and gave him an affectionate kiss on the cheek before hopping down with a grin. “Although one of these days yer going to break your old da’s back pulling those stunts.”

“Hardly,” Thea snorted. “You’ll outlive all of us.”

Padraig tousled her hair affectionately, then turned to the others waiting nearby. “Alrigh’, who’s next? I need a breather.”

Nathaniel glanced at the waiting audience and realized that nearly every one of them already looked exhausted. “Don’t look at me,” Thom spoke up, leaning heavily on a practice staff. “I was her victim for warm-ups this morning.”

“I’m out,” Bull sighed reluctantly. “This one,” he nodded in Dorian’s direction, “will kill me if I pull another muscle like I did the last time I tried to go two rounds with _that_ one. She’s too squirrely.”

“What about you, Nate?” Padraig called up to him with a broad smile. “Brave enough to try and catch lightning in a bottle?”

“Not a chance,” Nathaniel called back with a small smile of his own. “I do not trust her not to kick my ass back to the Free Marches for being gone so long.”

“Smartass,” Thea retorted as she dumped the contents of a water bottle over her neck, but her face was still shining and her eyes sparkled with unspoken mischief.

Padraig shrugged. “Suit yourself. Guess that only leaves one more person…”

“Oh, this is _always_ entertaining,” Cataline spoke quietly at his side, a trace of glee in her voice. Nathaniel watched as Cullen stepped onto the sparring mat, stripped to the waist and stretching his arms as Thea swapped the blunted blades for a staff. Both of them looked remarkably calm on the outside, but he could tell they were both tensing for the fight. Without a word, Thea made the first attack.

“How long has she been at this?” Nathaniel wondered aloud.

Martín chuckled softly. “This morning, or overall? This morning, she has been up and fighting for about three hours. Usually she stops by two hours, but I think what happened last night has her rattled. She seems unusually fierce today. Overall… hm. Cataline, when did your aunt first hire us to teach you girls self defense?”

“Twenty years ago,” Cat replied. “Right after spring holiday, remember?”

Nathaniel did the math in his head. “Twenty years… Andraste’s blood.” He shook his head in disgust. “Of course. Right after Thomas tried to assault you. I remember your mother insisting that the two of you learn to defend yourselves.”

“Yes, and from what I understand, Little Lightning over there popped him good for it too,” Martín smiled.

“My brother deserved far worse than what she did to him.”

“Yes,” Martín agreed, his expression growing dark. “From what I have heard and seen since… I would say he got off lucky.” With a small shake of his head, he looked to Cat. “Will you be picking the blades back up? It would be good for Thea to have someone else to poke at, and you were the best student I ever had.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Cat retorted, but Nathaniel could hear that she was pleased by the compliment.

“She knows her strengths. Her blade work has improved over the years, so she may yet be a match for you, but Thea has always preferred ranged combat. And I think you may surprise yourself,” Martín assured her. “In any case, I would not be focusing on drilling you in that,” he gestured to where Thea and Cullen were still circling each other, eyes challenging and strikes ringing out in the grey morning. “For you, it would be more about defense rather than offense: remembering the reflexes and actions needed to be anywhere other than where your opponent thinks you will be. You and Thea look at a situation and you see half a dozen different possibilities. We just need to fine-tune what those possibilities are for you.”

Martín turned and walked towards Padraig, who was watching the bout between his daughter and son-in-law with open amusement. When they approached, he wrapped one broad arm around Cataline and smacked a loud kiss on the top of her head then, much to Nathaniel’s surprise, wrapped his other arm around him affectionately. “Good t’have you home, boy,” he rumbled quietly.

“It’s good to be home, Padraig,” Nathaniel replied, grateful that Thea’s fathers did not seem to bear him any ill will for the damage he had done.

“She is still too thin,” Martín muttered, watching as Thea deftly dodged Cullen’s attack and turned to sweep his legs out from under him with her own staff.

“Aye,” Padraig agreed, “but strong. Watch.” He nudged Nathaniel with his elbow. “These two know each other too well.”

Before Cullen could recover his stance, Thea was straddling his waist and had deftly pulled out a practice blade that she’d hidden at the small of her back and placed it gently against his neck. He smirked up at her.

“ _You_ are cheating.”

She gave him a half smile in return, eyebrows raised in an expression of mock innocence. “Funny,” she commented airily, “looks to me as though I am _winning_.”

Nathaniel could not help but laugh as Thea’s eyes suddenly shot wide open when Cullen rolled her back to the mat, pinning her down and drawing his own practice blade from along his calf and setting it against the pale arc of her own neck. They sat there, blades to throats, eyes burning and small smiles mirrored on their faces.

Martín shook his head, rolling his eyes. “A draw,” he declared. “Just like last time. And the time before that. _And_ the time before that.” A small smile curved at his lips. “Well, that’s it for her today. Those two are going to disappear for at least a couple of hours, so if you would like to begin, Cataline, we certainly have time. And perhaps, Nathaniel,” Martín glanced in his direction, a sparkle of mischief in his eye, “you would be interested in learning as well.”

Nathaniel watched as Cullen stood and reached out a hand to Thea, their faces flushed and chests rising and falling hard. Cullen wrapped an arm around Thea, pulling her close and kissing her hard, her own hands twining easily around his neck.

“You know, Martín, I may just take you up on that.”

 

 

 

 


	26. Even if the Skies Get Rough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW.

_When I look into your eyes_   
_It's like watching the night sky_   
_Or a beautiful sunrise_   
_Well, there's so much they hold._

-“I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz

 

* * *

 

 

“Eurgh.” Nathaniel’s protest was muffled by the pillow, his shoulder blades shifting slightly as Cataline worked the peppermint balm into the hard, sinewy lines of his muscles. “Remind me _why_ I ever thought training with you was a good idea? I have not used some of those muscles in years. If I ever did.”

She laughed softly, shifting her hips slightly as she sat over his backside and pressed her hands against the small of his spine. It hadn’t been so bad, really. Nathaniel had surprised her: holding his own against Thea longer than she expected him to. Granted, she knew that her cousin had been holding back, and he knew it too, but still. And at least Thea seemed to be speaking to her again: things were still a bit awkward, but Cataline knew they would work themselves out sooner of later.

And Nathaniel really had done well. It had been more engrossing than she had expected to watch him spar first with Martín, then with Thea. He was surprisingly graceful, and she would never grow tired of seeing the way his body moved. But the muscles he used drawing a bow were not quite the same as those required by the blades, and he was paying for it now. Fortunately, this morning’s session had been called short when large, fat flakes of snow had begun to fall. Even now, soft white piles were drifting in the windowsill, and there was a stillness in the room that allowed them to forget, at least for awhile, the chaos of everything else going on in their lives and just be content together. She rubbed a slow path down his back, paying special attention to the areas that seemed to hold the most tension.

“I suspect you saw how hot and bothered Thea and Cullen got after sparring last week and thought you might be able to duplicate the results,” she teased. “Which is silly, because I would think you’d know by now there are easier ways to get me into bed.”

“Perhaps, but I cannot say I am not appreciative of the extra attention,” he chuckled beneath her, groaning slightly when she hit a particularly tender muscle. “Although I will admit, I do not know how they do it. Thea barely broke a sweat until she started sparring with Martín.”

“Years of practice, love,” she reminded him. “I can guarantee you can still outshoot her with a bow.” Cataline ran a nail gently down his spine, smiling slightly when the simple action sent a shiver running through Nathaniel’s body, and finding it all too easy to be distracted when he was laying there without a shirt on. She reached out and brushed his hair away from his neck, pressing a kiss against his temple before her tongue trailed a path down, her lips whispering kisses against his cheek and his neck and his shoulders. Her hands rubbed against his shoulders, and he caught one in his own and brushed a kiss against her knuckles.

“So,” he murmured, his voice husky and low, “let’s say I _was_ trying to shamelessly lure you back into the bedroom…” In one fluid movement he rolled over and flipped her onto her back, pinning her gently against the bed and meeting her eyes with his, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Did it work?”

Cataline giggled softly, arching her body up towards his and leaning her head back to allow his mouth access to the curve of her neck. “Maybe,” she admitted, hissing slightly when he nipped at her pulse point. “Although I thought _you_ were too sore…”

“I do not think I could ever be _that_ sore,” he retorted, leaning back slightly so that he could look at her, his expression soft. “You are so beautiful,” his voice was a hushed whisper, and Cat felt her heart leap even though he had said the exact same words a thousand times since they had been together. “I love you.”

“I love you,” she murmured, reaching up a hand to stroke his cheek. “Are you alright?”

He nodded. “I am, just… I am still in awe, Cataline, that you are here. I spent so many years dreaming of you, thinking of you, wishing I was with you, that now that you are here I am almost afraid I am dreaming.”

“Nathaniel…” she twined her arms around his shoulders and gently pulled him down until his lips met hers. “I know _exactly_ how you feel.”

She felt his lips curve into a smile against her cheek as he lay down beside her, one arm still draped over her waist. An appreciative hum escaped her lips when his hand drifted below her shirt, running a slightly calloused thumb over her ribs and marking a familiar path down her stomach to the band of her pants. With slow, almost agonizingly precise fingers he slipped beneath the cotton fabric, cupping the heat of her sex. Nathaniel whispered something soft against her ear, his tongue flicking briefly against the lobe, but her mind was too overwhelmed by the sensation of his touch to process the words. One finger stroked slowly up along her entrance, pausing when it reached her clit. Cataline’s breath hitched in her throat, her body suddenly far too warm for the clothes she was still wearing.

“That,” his voice rasped in her ear as his finger rubbed a familiar pattern, one that he had quickly learned and mastered, “right there. The way your breath catches when I find just the right spot. That is one of the most intoxicating sounds I have ever heard in my life. That, and the way you say my name when you fall over the edge. I want to find every possible way to make you feel so good that those sounds are constantly on your lips.”

He pressed his hips against her thigh, and she could feel him hard against her. “Mmmm,” she moaned, “you are… you are well on your way to it… Nathaniel, you are just…” the rest of her words were lost as her release hit, and she cried out as her back arched and her fingers tangled in the blankets beneath her. He gently withdrew his hand, pulling her close and pressing kisses against her hair as she came down from her high, trying desperately to catch her breath. When she thought she could trust her own hands, she disentangled herself long enough to awkwardly pull off her clothes, tossing them haphazardly to the floor before falling back against the bed and tugging at the waistband to Nathaniel’s pants.

With a quiet chuckle, he allowed her to remove the last pieces of clothing remaining between them before she landed back in his arms. He held her close, and Cat took a moment to simply breathe in the scent of his skin, warm and oaken and brightened by the peppermint balm she’d worked into his muscles. She brushed a line of kisses along his collarbone, inching her body along his until she could nip at his jaw and earlobe before whispering, “the reality of you is so much better than I could have ever imagined, but you should know… it was _always_ you that I was imagining.”

Nathaniel shifted so that he was facing her, his hand moving to her breast to trace lazy circles around the tight bud of her nipple with his thumb. “Really?” He gave her a tiny smirk before kissing her forehead. “ _Every_ time?”

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, sinking into his touch as his mouth moved to replace his hand, the warmth of his tongue sending ripples of pleasure through the sensitive skin and setting her mind adrift in a haze. “That feels nice…”

“Good,” he whispered against her skin as he moved to her other breast, his hands holding her hips close against his. “You should know, though,” he dragged his teeth lightly over her skin, sending another shock through her body, “that I was always thinking of you, too. Every. Single. Time.”

Cat laughed softly, her entire body relaxing against his as though they were made to fit together. Nathaniel shifted back so that he could meet her lips, his tongue slipping easily into her mouth and teasing against her own, the taste of him almost overwhelming her. A small groan vibrated against her when she reached down and wrapped her fingers around his length, stroking with just the right amount of pressure, slowly and deliberately. His hips rocked into her touch, betraying his need despite the unhurried pace of their kiss.

“Wildflower,” his breath was hot against her cheek, “I want you. I _need_ you.”

Cat smiled, rolling over and pushing Nathaniel onto his back before straddling his hips. She gazed down at him, trying to look stern even though she knew she was failing. “You know you are going to regret this in an hour when you are even _more_ sore. You-” Her half-hearted admonishments were cut off as he placed his hands on her hips, gently guiding her down until she was fully seated on him, his cock filling her completely.

“Cataline, I will _never_ regret making love to you.”

She laughed softly, taking her hands in his and threading their fingers together as she placed them over his head, shivering slightly as the tender flesh of her nipples brushed against his bare chest. Cat pressed a kiss against his lips, breathing deep through her nose while her hips rocked forward, rolling against his and drawing an involuntary gasp from her throat. She kept her movements slow and unhurried, taking the time to let him enter her completely on every stroke and simply basking in the sensations that she felt whenever she was with him. He disentangled one of his hands to trace the curves of her waist and down her backside, nails scraping lightly against her skin and setting her entire world on fire before it settled at the juncture of her thighs, his thumb working over her clit and gently pushing her towards the edge.

“Sweetheart, I want to feel you,” he groaned, and she could almost feel the strain in his tone. “I want to feel you come around me, and hear my name fall from your lips, and watch while the color rises in your cheeks as you fall over the edge.”

It was his voice that finally did it: the quiet, ever so perfect words that she knew she would be the only one to ever hear. She felt the world fall away when she reached her peak, crying out in the stillness of their room, his name mingling with hers as he followed her. Cataline collapsed against Nathaniel’s chest, her breath coming in short gasps and her entire body trembling with the aftershocks. His arms wrapped around her, holding her tight against him and stroking her hair.

“Do you have any idea what your voice does to me?” She brushed a kiss against his chest, nuzzling her head against his shoulder.

He chuckled softly. “Seriously? I actually had no idea. I have always worried that my voice is too… I don’t know. Not very appealing, in any case.”

“I do not think anyone likes the sound of their own voice,” she teased, “but yours… Mmmm. Especially the things you say that I know are meant just for me. It drives me crazy in the best possible ways.”

“I will have to remember that.” She could hear the smile in his tone. “You realize that you have the single most entrancing voice I have ever heard in my life? Before… before we were together, every single time I heard you speak my heart almost broke for the beauty of it. It was-” He paused, and when he spoke again Cataline could almost feel the pain in his words.

“It was why I stopped calling, after a while. Why I stopped answering _your_ calls. Hearing your voice, knowing you were so far away and I was not with you… it broke me.”

“Nathaniel,” she sat up and took his face in her hands, looking into the soft silver light of his eyes. “Never again. I _never_ want to be apart from you _ever_ again.”

He leaned his forehead against hers, and she felt him release the breath neither of them realized he had been holding. “Never,” he agreed earnestly, placing his hands carefully over hers. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She settled back down on the bed, her back pressed against his chest as he wrapped a protective arm around her waist. Her eyelids slowly drifted shut, her entire body in a state of utter contentment and her mind at peace. Outside, the snow continued to fall, carpeting the world in a pristine blanket of white.

Cataline was not sure when she finally fell asleep, or how long they laid there tangled up in each other. The sky was still a soothing shade of grey when she woke, so it was obviously still daylight. Absently, she reached over to the bedside table and picked up her phone, which was flashing insistently with a text message notification. She considered ignoring it, but when she saw it was from Thea she swiped her thumb across the lock screen and opened the message.

_T: I don’t suppose you’re watching the news_.

Frowning in confusion, Cat sent a brief reply.

_C: No. I’ve been busy._

_T: I’ll bet. Listen, when you get a chance… maybe you and Nate could come up to the house. This may not be anything, but… but it may be something._

_C: Ok, Teddy. Want us to order dinner?_

_T: Nah, I’ll cook. Spaghetti ok? I made garlic bread before it occurred to me that it would inherently require making pasta. And if I try to make spaghetti for two people, there will inevitably be enough for six people._

Cat smiled to herself. Whatever lingering discomfort there had been between her and Thea, it seemed to have passed.

_C: Sure. I’ll bring wine._

_T: Damn right_.

 

 


	27. The Beauty of Grace

_And this life sentence that I’m serving_

_I admit that I’m every bit deserving_

_But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair._

 

-“Be My Escape” by Reliant K

 

* * *

 

 

“ _What in the void?!?_ ”

Nathaniel and Cat opened the back door to the main house, stomping their boots against the back porch to divest them of the snow they had accumulated on the walk over before slipping them off and beginning the process of emerging from layers of coats and scarves and gloves. Thea, meanwhile, was glaring at the pasta strainer in the sink, where a veritable mountain of spaghetti noodles was steaming in placid indifference to her disapprobation. She poked at them with her tongs while Cullen tried to smother a smile as he stirred the sauce.

“You alright there, Teddy girl?” Nathaniel asked cautiously as he set the bottle of wine on the table and brushed a careful kiss on the top of her head. She spun around and brandished the tongs in his direction.

“I swear to the Maker I measured the damn noodles _three times_. The box said this would make four servings. Does that _look_ like four servings to you?”

“Er…” he glanced at the strainer, which easily contained enough spaghetti to feed a dozen regular sized people, or perhaps two of Iron Bull. “I suppose you’ll just have leftovers?”

Thea growled mutinously under her breath and he retreated, retrieving a salad bowl and poking around in the fridge for the requisite vegetables. Cat just shook her head in thinly veiled amusement and reached for the freshly baked garlic bread and a cutting board. Once they were sitting around the kitchen table and food (and perhaps more importantly, wine) had been passed around, he looked to his friend.

“Alright, Thea,” he prodded gently. “You made it sound important. You cannot possibly have invited us up just to help you make a dent in the spaghetti, because, if you did, you are going to be sorely disappointed. I suspect you will still have noodles come the New Year.”

“Perhaps I would be better served sending them home with you, since if you keep sassing me this will be the last meal I cook for you _until_ the New Year.”

He threw up his hands in surrender and laughed. “Ok, ok. But seriously,” he raised his eyebrows. “What was on the news that got you so riled up?”

Thea and Cullen exchanged a glance before Thea spoke up, her voice unusually subdued. “Neither of you have seen anything?”

“Thea, I got your text and we came up here, that was pretty much it,” Cat pointed out.

Her cousin sighed. “Yeah, ok. Well… Cailan Theirin. He’s dead.”

“ _What?_ ” Nathaniel nearly choked on his wine. “The king of Ferelden is dead? You can’t be serious!”

Thea met his eyes, a single elegant eyebrow arched and a half smile playing over her lips as she delicately raised her glass in a mock toast.

“Long live the queen.”

 

* * *

 

“So what do you think it means, to them?” Nathaniel gestured to the stage at The Hanged Man where Cat and Thea were doing a rare duet. Thea generally did fewer shows in the winter; business at the bar slowed down in the natural course of things, but she still showed up as a favor to Varric and to bring in a few extra customers out of the cold. The slower pace also meant that it was easier for Thea to convince Cat to sing, for which Nathaniel was appreciative.

“For once, Nate, I am just as much in the dark as you are.” Cullen frowned, sipping his beer. “And I don’t like it. Void, I don’t think _they_ like it. Thea has been antsy ever since the news broke about Cailan’s death, but as far as I have been able to puzzle out, she can’t pin down exactly _why_. Anora is one of Thea’s best friends outside of you and Cat, and they’ve always been close, so I could understand grief or sympathy but that is not quite it. I doubt Cat has figured it out either, if it makes you feel any better.”

“It does not,” Nathaniel sighed, “but I appreciate it nonetheless. It has turned into quite the cluster, hasn’t it?” Queen Anora had been the sole ruler of Ferelden for less than a week, and already there were dark whispers that she was simply a puppet for her father, the war hero Loghain Mac Tir. Loghain had long been critical of his son-in-law and the king’s conciliatory attitude towards the empire of Orlais, his own opinions colored by having lived and fought through the occupation of Ferelden by the Orlesians. Personally, Nathaniel had little doubt of Anora’s capabilities: for years it had been obvious that the more technical aspects of governance had enjoyed her attention rather than Cailan’s.

Cullen shrugged. “You’re not wrong. But there is nothing to be done for it at the moment. I am not certain why they are so worked up, but I trust them to tell us when they have it figured out.”

“You don’t think…” Nathaniel paused, uncertain if he wanted to voice the suspicions that were nipping at the edge of his thoughts. Cullen looked at him expectantly. “Do you think there is any possible way this mess has anything to do with my father? With what happened to Cataline’s parents?”

“Maker, I hope not,” Cullen sighed. “I suppose it is possible, but I do not intend to put that thought in their heads if I can avoid it, and I would strongly suggest you do the same. My wife has a…complicated… history with the Mac Tir family, and if there is some tie there, I really, _really_ do not look forward to the fall out. We just bought new plates, and I would rather she not smash them quite yet. And I doubt high politics are going to be much of a deterrent to Cataline if she finds out that Teyrn Mac Tir had anything to do with her parents’ deaths, which would cause a whole other set of fun problems with both her and… well, let’s just hope Thea does not find out Loghain had anything to do with this. I am not certain she would, or could, keep her temper in check.”

“Oh?”

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes briefly. “Like I said: it’s complicated.”

“What do you mean, ‘complicated?’” Nathaniel frowned. “Is Thea picking fights with every important house in Ferelden? Here I thought the Howes were just special…”

Cullen shook his head, “No, not exactly, she… you would have to ask her about it. It is not my story to tell.”

They both took another drink, lost in their own thoughts for a moment. Then, Cullen gave him a small smile and asked, “So. What are you getting Cat for Satinalia?”

Nathaniel leaned back with a groan. “Damned if I know. I mean, I know what I _want_ to do for her, but…” he let the thought trail off unfinished, uncertain if he was even ready to speak the words aloud to his closest friend outside of Thea, so he redirected the conversation. “What are you getting your wife?”

“Time,” Cullen smiled slightly. “More specifically, time at Sera’s studio. She’s been talking about wanting new ink for a couple of months now, and I know she already has a design sketched out. Thea just has a hard time justifying making time for herself when there are so many other things going on, and I suspect it is about to get a lot worse. So I have reserved a chunk of time with Sera for her, and that woman is going to go sit and relax for awhile and get a new tattoo.”

“And she finds _that_ relaxing?”

Cullen chuckled quietly. “I am trying to remember how she described it to me… she said it was not exactly like petting a mabari pup, but it was not _that_ painful. And she believes it is worth it, so…”

Nathaniel shook his head with a small smile. “Has Sera done all of her work? The last time I saw her she was remarkably tattoo-free. I come back ten years later and she has a half dozen.”

“That _you_ know of,” Cullen smirked. “No, Sera has not done all of her work, but most of it. I am not certain who did the lily for Martín and the thistle for Padraig on her right shoulder, or the Cousland laurels on her back. She had those before I met her.”

“And the lion rampart on her left shoulder? I assume that one was for you?”

“It was _for_ her,” Cullen corrected with a laugh. “But yes, she got that one right after we were married, and Sera designed and inked that one. The cat and raven silhouettes on her left ankle are for Ven and Anders, and the snake twisting around her right ankle is for Dorian.”

Nathaniel tried to keep the hurt from his tone when he asked “And that is all of them?”  

Cullen gave him a small smile, reading between the lines all too well. “Nate, she started getting work done _after_ you left. I think she still had intended to do something; I found a sketch once that was simply an arrow broken in two. I did not know what it was at the time, and she did not seem inclined to tell me, so I left it be, but I think we can both guess where her mind was when she sketched it. You notice that she has also had nothing done for Cat.”

“Why?”

“I asked her that as well, when she was having the serpent done,” Cullen chuckled. “She did that cute little thing when she is puzzled by something and her brow furrows and she bites her lower lip. All she said was that it was not time yet.”

Nate shook his head, smiling slightly. “Yes, that sounds like Thea. But time for _what_?”

Cullen shrugged. “I do not know. Maybe we will find out the day when she goes to see Sera. But y _ou_ , my friend, are trying to avoid telling me something. For whatever it is worth, though, I do not think it is too soon.”

He nearly choked on his drink. “ _What?_ I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Cullen shrugged. “Yes, you do.” He glanced briefly in the direction of the stage to make sure Thea and Cat were still there and not approaching them. “I know what you are thinking of doing for Satinalia, and my personal opinion is that you should go for it. We all know how you feel about her, Nate. You are probably trying to convince yourself that you are moving too fast, or that you do not want to put pressure on her, but I would argue that you are simply making up for lost time. I see it every time you look at her: that woman is your entire world. Do you or do you not want to spend the rest of your life with her?”

Nathaniel took a deep breath, his eyes closing. “Every moment of every hour of every day. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make her smile; to try and deserve the love she has given me. I love her more than I thought it was possible to love someone, but-”

“But…?” Cullen prompted him.

“But what if this is not what she wants?” Nathaniel finished, the deepest fear of his heart laid bare.

“Do you think that is true?” Cullen asked, his voice not unkind.

Nathaniel glanced back to the stage. Cataline caught his eye, a smile curving at her lips when she saw him looking at her, and he found himself smiling back in spite of himself. He was so far gone for her, it would almost be frightening if it was not for the feeling of certainty that she inspired in him every time he looked at her. Cullen was right: no matter what else he did in his life, he knew that he wanted to do it with her at his side, and for the first time he was able to believe that she would want to be there with him.

“You really think I should go for it?”

Cullen gave him a small smile. “I do, and you know that Thea is going to say the same thing. No, do not give me that look, we both know you are going to talk to her first. Besides, she is going to be the best person to help you pick something out, or design it rather. I would go with the latter option, personally.”

“I-” He sat back in his seat, momentarily overwhelmed. “I am not sure how… I am not sure what to say to her.”

“You are a writer, correct?” Cullen chuckled. “Write her something.”

 


	28. Praising the Old Lore

_Remember the runes_   
_And remember the light_   
_All I ever want_   
_Is to be at you side._

-“Skalds and Shadows” by Blind Guardian

 

* * *

 

 

Cataline sprawled on the sofa, idly scrolling through a trade agreement she was supposed to sign off on before Thea met with the Antivan representative next month to finalize the deal. The temperature had dropped like a stone the night before, and her cousin had made the unilateral decision that, if there was any work to be done, it would be done from home, as she was not going to ask anyone to risk the roads in their present condition. Which was great, in theory. Except she knew that neither her nor Thea got much done on snow days. After realizing that she had read the exact same paragraph regarding tariffs on a specific varietal of grape three times, Cat gave up and snapped her laptop shut.

“That good, huh?”

She smiled up at Nathaniel, who was still typing away at his desk in the office alcove in the loft. “It will keep for a few more days. How is that article on Nevarran necropolises going?”

“It’s done,” he stood and stretched before leaning over the balcony and giving her a small smile. “Now I’m working on your Satinalia present.”

“Are you, now?” She lowered her lashes over her eyes, tilting her head slightly as she returned his smile to try and look extra appealing. “Do I get any hints?”

“You do not,” he retorted, turning to come down the stairs. “I think you can wait until tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night is _forever_ away,” she gave an exaggerated sigh and fell back against the cushions.

“You’ll live,” he brushed a kiss against her lips. “Want some hot cocoa? The weather seems right for it.”

“Mmm, yes please,” she agreed, following him into the kitchen and settling in at the kitchen table. “Speaking of Satinalia…”

“I’m still not giving you any hints.”

She stuck her tongue out at him briefly before laughing and continuing, “I _was_ going to ask if your sister and her husband had said if they were coming over or not. I know it is iffy with her being pregnant and not wanting to be on her feet too much. We were hoping they would spend the holiday with us again, but we’ll understand if she isn’t up for it.”

“Again?” He asked, confusion fleeting briefly over his face. “They were here last year?”

Cat nodded. “Yes. We… we weren’t certain if they would be spending the holiday with Albert’s family, or if they just wanted to spend it the two of them, so we invited them over here.”

Nathaniel passed her a mug and sat beside her, his expression somewhere between guilt and hurt. “Thank you, for taking them in, Cat. I admit, I had not thought about what the holidays would be like for Delilah. I will text her today and see how she is feeling and if they will be joining you.”

“Joining _us_ ,” Cat corrected softly, scooting her chair closer so that she could rest her head against his shoulder. “This will be our first Satinalia together in a decade, and you had better believe I expect you to show up.”

“Of course, my love,” he kissed the top of her head. “I would not miss it for anything. It will certainly be a marked improvement over the last ten Satinalias, anyways.”

“Why?”

“The last one I actually observed was when Anders was still in the Marches, so about five years ago. I happened to be back in town, and he convinced me to go out with him to a bar on Satinalia night. We ended up absolutely shitfaced drunk and I still have absolutely no memory of what we talked about, but the next morning I woke up in his apartment with a horrendous hangover and a phone number written on my hand in purple ink.”

“Oh?” Cat winced at the jealousy in the query, but Nathaniel just laughed.

“It was _your_ phone number. I have no idea how it got there or why. I sure as the void have never owned a purple pen. After that,” he stepped into the living room and put another log on the fire before sitting beside her on the couch and wrapping her in his arms, “I was usually abroad for the holiday. Which meant hotel rooms, take out, and holiday movies on TV.” Cat felt his sigh brush over her cheek. “I think Delilah gave up on trying to track me down after the first three or four years. She knew I would never come back and spend the holiday with dad.”

“I promise,” she kissed the back of his hand, “I am going to make up for every Satinalia you did not get to spend where you belonged.”

He chuckled, the sound reverberating through his chest. “And where is that, I wonder?”

“Right here,” Cataline whispered.

Nathaniel tilted her chin up and pressed his lips against hers. “Wherever you are, Wildflower,” he murmured, “ _that_ is where I belong.”

Her heart skipped a beat, just as it always did when he said things like that. “Careful, love,” she smiled against his lips. “You are going to make me blush.”

“Good. You are adorable when you blush.”

“Mmm,” she hummed appreciatively as his lips trailed down her cheek to her neck, but they were interrupted by the sudden buzz of her phone vibrating against the floor. Cat gave a brief growl of frustration, then picked up the offending device. It probably was not important, but given the weather there was always the chance something had happened.

_T: When you get a chance, come up to the main house. I need to bounce some thoughts off you._

_C: Is it important? Can you run it by Cullen?_

_T: I didn’t say it was urgent, just… when you get a chance. And Cullen isn’t feeling well, so I really don’t want to bother him with this right now._

Cat sighed heavily. “Something has Thea agitated. She wants to talk to someone, and it sounds like Cull is having a bad withdrawal day. She says it isn’t urgent, so I can probably put it off-”

Nathaniel shook his head, placing one more frustratingly light kiss against her shoulder before standing and reaching his hands out to help her up. “No. You know Thea: she would not ask if it were not important. Go on up. Do you want me to come with?”

“Yes,” she smiled, “but there is no point in both of us freezing our asses off, especially when I’ve grown rather fond of yours.”

He laughed and passed her gloves and a scarf as she slipped on her boots. “Alright. Tell her if she does not feel like cooking for one she is welcome to come over here. I’m making those pressed sandwiches she likes.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I don’t like it, Catkin.”

Thea was pacing the floor of her home office, her hands trembling slightly. When her cousin reached for her coffee, Cat took the opportunity to slip a biscuit into her hand instead. Thea grimaced, but obediently began nibbling at the pastry, still pacing. A series of news articles had been printed and were now strewn about her desk as well as Cullen’s to establish some sort of timeline.

“What don’t you like, Thea?” Cat settled onto the window seat, tucking her legs beneath her and trying to think of what to say to calm the other woman.

“Any of it. The news says that Cailan was killed during a military action gone wrong, but what was he doing there in the first place?” Thea frowned. “The records are still sealed, classified, so I can’t get to those yet, but I have people working on it. But that isn’t the only thing in the news, although everything else is getting swept underneath it. Oswyn, the son of Bann Sighard of Dragon’s Peak, has gone missing. The news is trying to play it up as another young adult out to sow his wild oats, but I’m not buying it. I know Oswyn, and this isn’t like him. He’s goofy, but he would never just up and leave without telling anyone.”

Cat held up a finger to mark the point. “Ok, that’s one. What else have we got to look at?”

Thea shuffled some of the printouts. “There has been unrest in the alienage… but it is difficult to say if it is ‘normal’ unrest or if there is something larger stirring there… I spoke with Alfstanna Eremon, the Bann of The Waking Sea region, at a meeting a few days back and she confided that her brother, Irminric, has gone missing. He had been tasked with hunting down the man suspected of trying to poison Arl Eamon, which is its own special brand of not right.” She paused, then looked away. “I have… I have asked Leliana to see what she can find out.”

“Ah. So you have finally forgiven her for the incident this summer?”

“I have not,” Thea held up her chin in a show of defiance. “However, I admit that I am at a loss here.” She exhaled, and Cat could see that her cousin was very tired. “And I am not too proud to admit that I need help. Maybe this really is just a bunch of really shitty luck for Ferelden; maybe not. But I just can’t shake the feeling that what happened to your parents is part of a bigger picture here.” 

Cat was silent for a moment. Part of her wanted to brush off Thea’s hunch as just that: a hunch. A theory, something comfortably far away from reality, but she knew better. Thea was bright, and she had always had a mind for tactics and patterns. If she saw something there…

_Speaking of…_

“Thea?”

“Hm?” Her cousin took another long drag of coffee while pawing through one of the piles on her desk.

“Have you at least considered the possibility of trying to talk to-”

Thea spun around, her eyes sparking and wide, cutting Cat off before she could finish her sentence. “ _No_. That is… that is not an option.”

Cataline sighed, closing her eyes. “Thea, if he would be willing to talk to anybody, it would be you. You and he were… close. You are his friend.”

The other woman snorted derisively. “Cataline, Loghain Mac Tir does not have friends. He has people that he finds useful. And yes. I have been known to be useful from time to time; it comes with the territory of my job.”

_Bullshit_ , Cataline thought to herself, but she did not press the subject, which she knew was a touchy one for Thea. “Alright, fine. Be that as it may, if he knows something; if he is involved-”

“If he is involved, the likelihood of him telling me _anything_ is less than zero,” Thea shot back. “It is _not. An. Option_.”

Cat held up her hands in surrender, a small smile tugging at her lips. She hated to do it, but she had known that needling Thea would make her more amenable to the alternative she was about to suggest. “In that case, I think you know who we need to talk to.”

Thea groaned. “Ugh. Yes, because _your_ choice is _definitely_ going to be impartial and reasonable. But you will have your chance. I have invited him to Satinalia, as always, and as far as I know he will be here tomorrow night for the party.”

“Good,” Cat nodded in satisfaction. “Then, in the meantime-” Her thought was interrupted by the insistent vibrations of her phone in her pocket. She fished the device out and glanced at the caller ID, her eyes widening in surprise as she showed it to Thea. Thea’s skin went, if it was even possible, a shade paler.

“Hello, your majesty.”

“Please, Cat, if it’s just us, it’s just Anora,” the voice on the other end of the line was pleasant, but sounded exhausted. “I do not need another subject right now, I need my friends.”

“Of course, Anora,” Cataline corrected herself, “I am so sorry about Cailan. How are you holding up?”

“About as well as can be expected, considering my husband is dead and the rumors are flying. Yourself?”

“We are fine. Just trying to prepare for Satinalia Eve tomorrow.”  
  
“Ah, yes,” Anora sighed. “The holiday. I wish I could get out of the official celebrations this year, but you know what will happen if I leave them for father to deal with. There are enough cruel things being said about him as it is, and I do not want to make it worse. However, I did not call simply to invoke your pity. I was going to ask… I was hoping that you would be attending the private memorial service next weekend. The one for friends and family only. I would very much like to speak with you and Thea. Face to face.”

Cat glanced up at Thea, who was watching her intently. “Of course, Anora, I would be honored to attend.”

“And Thea? I was hoping to persuade her to sing something for us, but I know it is… I have not seen her for over a year. Not since your parents’ funeral.”

“Why don’t you speak with her? She’s right here.” Cataline passed her phone over to Thea, who accepted it with a sigh of resignation. Cat made as though to leave the room, but Thea stopped her with a small shake of her head, her hand toying with the locket around her neck.

“Hey, Anora… No, it’s good to hear from you. I’m terribly sorry about Cailan… I know… I know, I’m sorry. I’ve missed you too. I… yes. Yes, of course, Anora. I would be honored. Is your… yes, I suppose that is to be expected… No, it will be fine… Yes… Yes… Ok. Let me know what you want and I will have it prepared by next Saturday, ok? I’m looking forward to seeing you, and…” Thea paused, and Cat watched her eyes shut before she spoke again, her voice barely above a whisper. “And give my love to everyone. Bye, Nora.” Thea ended the call and handed the phone back to Cataline, her brow knit in a small frown. With a heavy sigh, she threw back the rest of her now tepid coffee and shot an unhappy look in Cat’s direction.

“Well. Looks like you may get your wish after all.”

 


	29. Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mira Amell Theirin belongs to @welseykels.

 

- _Canon in D_ by Johann Pachelbel

 

* * *

 

 

Nathaniel honestly could not remember the last time he had actually looked forward to Satinalia. Actually, yes, he could: it was the last holiday that his family had spent together with the Cousland clan, right before he had left for the Marches. From what he understood, his father had for some reason continued the tradition until his mother had died. This year, though… this year would be special. Every bad memory he had of the holiday would no longer matter, because of the new ones he would create with Cataline and the others.

The house smelled wonderful. Thea and Iron Bull had been in the kitchen for hours, and the scents of freshly baked breads and cookies still hung heavy in the air, as did the intoxicating aroma of glazed ham accented with spices imported specially from Seheron for the holiday. Having performed her duly appointed task of making mashed potatoes, Sera was making the rounds with a bottle of wine, and some of it was even making it into the glasses of the revelers. Thom had set up the tree and was now chatting amiably with Delilah and Albert in the living room, where Dorian and Dagna were hanging delicate ornaments she had forged in her workshop. Isabela, Fenris, and Zevran had all come in for the holiday, and the latter was coming up with increasingly elaborate ruses to lure the other guests under the mistletoe. Meanwhile, Cassandra and Varric seemed to constantly be ‘accidentally’ ending up under it. Ven and Anders would be spending the evening with her sister and her boyfriend, then coming over in the morning for brunch.

Cullen was helping an Antivan woman that Nathaniel had not met before this evening, Josephine, set the table in the dining room, and he had insisted that Nathaniel go relax and spend some time with Cataline, which he had been all too happy to do. They were curled up together on the couch at the moment, Cat sipping a glass of wine and watching the fire, and Nathaniel watching her, a wave of utter contentment washing over him. He leaned his head against Cat’s, brushing a kiss to the top of her hair as Susannah hopped up and settled on his lap.

“Mmm, she likes you,” Cat murmured, the heat of the fire making her drowsy. “That’s no small feat: it was years before Susannah did not run and hide every time I came in the door, which was nearly every day.”

“I like cats,” Nathaniel admitted, stroking the grey and white feline’s fur. “Maybe, once we are in a house of our own, we could get one. Or two.”

She laughed softly. “I think that is a distinct possibility. Void, Thea will probably insist on it. I’m sure she could recommend a good rescue-”

Cat’s sentence was cut off as the front door flew open and a flurry of snow preceded a tall, lanky man wrapped in too many scarves. Nathaniel frowned slightly as Cat stood, a smile lighting up her face.

“Andraste preserve me. Alistair!”

The new arrival unwrapped the top most scarf from around his face and grinned broadly in their direction. “Is that my Catkin?” He threw his arms open wide and Cat wrapped him in a warm hug, laughing as he picked her up and spun her around enthusiastically and planted a loud kiss on each of her cheeks. “Maker’s breath, woman, I would swear you are more beautiful every time I see you!”

The feeling welling up in Nathaniel’s chest and causing the frown to deepen on his face was entirely unfamiliar. It actually took him a moment to realize that he was, irrationally and impossibly, jealous. He had no idea who the newcomer was, or what his relationship with Cat was: he just knew that he did not like it one bit.

“Calm down,” Thea murmured quietly beside him, handing him a glass of wine. He hadn’t even noticed her approach. “Alistair is no threat to you. I would not have invited him if he was. As it stands, I barely invited him at all with things being the way they are in the capitol, but he is one of Cat’s dearest friends.”

“One of her dearest friends that she just happened to neglect to mention?” He grumbled under his breath.

Thea shrugged. “She has been a bit distracted recently. You know: being deliriously happy in her new relationship. Besides, we rarely see him these days. Alistair is a grey warden, and they rarely make it into the capitol city unless something big is going down. He gets time off for the holidays, and he usually ends up back in Denerim. He… has family, here. And Cat, of course.”

“He smiles too much.”

She laughed quietly. “Funny. He is always telling me I am too serious, so he’ll probably make a similar assessment of you. Alistair really is a good guy, if a bit… what is the word I want… enthusiastic? He is also happily married to an absolutely lovely woman named Mira, and if you saw the puppy dog eyes he gives her you would not be even remotely worried about him poaching Cataline. It is really too bad Meer wasn’t able to make it this year, but she had to be on call. She’s working on her pediatrician residency.”

“Yet you said you almost did not invite even Alistair this year,” Nathaniel pointed out. He was keeping both eyes on Cat and Alistair, trying to pretend that the laughter they were sharing wasn’t irritating the void out of him.

Thea sighed. “Yes, well… Alistair and I… do not always see eye to eye. It boils down to very different opinions regarding the Mac Tir family, and our disagreements do not always end civilly. And I will freely admit it is usually my fault; you know my temper.”

“That’s right, Cullen told me I should ask you about them. I have not seen Loghain or Anora for years, and even then, I admit I did not know them well. I believe my family was at a few of the same events they were, or something like that.” he glanced at her. “Cullen said it was ‘complicated.’”

His friend gave a short bark of laughter. “That’s one word for it. For lack of a better word, they are friends of mine. Or at least Anora is. Loghain…” She shook her head. “No, actually, complicated about sums it up. I have known Anora for a little over ten years and her father for… oh… what? Eight years? I met Loghain when I had recently turned twenty-two, and I will be turning 30 in the spring, so that sounds about right. Anyways, want me to go disentangle your girlfriend?”

Nathaniel had a sneaking suspicion that there was more that Thea was not telling him, but he was more concerned with Cat at the moment, so he let it go. Thea approached the pair, a small half smile on her lips as she held out her arms.

“And don’t I get a hug, kitten?”

Alistair turned his grin towards her and embraced her warmly. Whatever disagreements they had, they seemed to at least have a détente for the holiday. “Teddy girl! I can’t tell you how glad I am to be here. Things… things have not been amazing. We can talk about it more tomorrow: for now, I just want a glass of wine and some of Bull’s famous ham.”

“Alistair, hold up a minute,” Cat returned to Nathaniel’s side and twined her arm around his, beaming up at him. “I want you to meet someone. Alistair, this is my boyfriend, Nathaniel. Nate, this is my good friend, Alistair.”

“So,” Alistair commented, gripping the hand Nathaniel offered slightly harder than was strictly necessary. “ _You’re_ the infamous Nathaniel Howe.”

“Yes,” he replied smoothly. “I am afraid you have me at a disadvantage, however. Cataline never mentioned _you_.”

The other man gave a wry smile as Thea bit back a snort of laughter. “Touché, my friend. Void, if the girls are willing to forgive and forget, I can do no less. It’s good to meet you. Any friend of Cat and Thea’s is a friend of mine. Well, for the most part.” Alistair shot a pointed look at Thea, who simply tilted her head and proffered her usual half smile, but Nathaniel could see a challenge sparking behind her eyes, and he suspected Cat could as well because she quickly ushered them all into the dining room for dinner.

The food was excellent; much better than the take-out he usually had on Satinalia Eve, and even Thea managed to try a little bit of almost everything. When the rest of them were stuffed such that they were declaring they would never need to eat again, they moved back to the living room for the gift exchange. Nathaniel had lucked out and drawn Thom’s name, and had managed to track down an antique set of hand woodworking tools. Thom gave him a gruff thank you when he opened them, but Nathaniel could see a smile curving under the dark shadow of his beard, and the other man made a point of examining every single tool and commenting on the craftsmanship.

Cullen had drawn Nathaniel’s name, and had found a beautiful first edition copy of _The History of Ferelden_ , complete with hand inked maps bordered by fanciful dragons and other creatures that were now more lore than anything else.  Thea was thrilled with her gift from Cullen, sitting on his lap and pressing an enthusiastic kiss against his lips before announcing that she already had sketches to give to Sera for her next tattoo. Nathaniel had cheated slightly: even though he had not drawn Thea’s name, he had persuaded Anders to knit a tiny festive sweater that he presented to her for Teddy, prompting a rare and brilliant smile from his best friend.

There were a few expectant sideways glances in his direction: undoubtedly wondering what he had gotten for Cataline, but his gift to her was not something he wanted to share with anyone else. Not yet. If he was being honest with himself, he was starting to feel butterflies in the pit of his stomach, and he wondered if this was actually a good idea…

Eventually, guests began filtering out in a flurry of hugs and kisses and “see you tomorrows.” Cullen and Cataline began doing the dishes, but Thea had disappeared.

“Nate, could you go track her down?” Cullen asked as he gazed askance at a platter that had recently held baked green beans. “I am not certain if this one is hand wash only or not, and Maker help me if I guess wrong.”

Chuckling quietly, Nathaniel began searching the house. To his surprise, Thea was nowhere to be found. Trying to tamp down his concern, he stepped onto the back porch, following the path of the deck as it wound around the house. He stopped short when he heard Thea pleading with someone else in a low tone.

“Please, Zevran.”

“Darling Thea,” he heard the assassin sigh, “you are assuming a lot. That I can even get close enough to deliver a message. That he will believe the message is from you. That I will not simply be killed for my trouble. Have you considered, oh, I don’t know… email?”

Thea huffed in frustration. “I really do not want to leave an electronic trail on this one, and besides, if it is handwritten he will know I am serious. Zev, you are the only one I trust with this. I have the utmost faith that you will be able to deliver it, and here,” Nathaniel heard Thea shift and then the quiet hush of a metal chain being deposited into Zevran’s hand. “That will be proof enough that the message is from me. But… but tell him I expect it to be returned. He will not dare hurt you if he knows you are helping me.”

“You put a great deal of faith in him.”

For a long moment, there was silence, and then Nathaniel heard Thea whisper, “Yes. I know.”

There was another long exhale from Zevran. “Alright, Theadosia. You know I cannot say no to you.”

“Thank you, Zevran.”

Nathaniel waited until he heard the other man depart, then stepped around the corner. Thea was standing at the railing, looking out at the softly falling snow, apparently oblivious to the cold and, for the first time since he had been reunited with her, she was not wearing her golden wyvern locket. Despite the easy happiness she had shown earlier in the evening, she suddenly looked very, very tired. He stood by her side.

“Are you going to tell me what that was all about?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. Please, Nate…” she looked up at him, and he could see that whatever was happening, it was hurting her. “Trust me?”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, and she laid her head against him. “Ok, Thea. I trust you. But you will come to me if you need help, right? You know I am here for you, no matter what.”

“I know.”

They stared up at the sky, watching feathers of ice and cold drift towards the ground. “So,” she asked, “is it time?”

He took a deep breath. “I think so. I’m just waiting to go back down to the Loft.”

She nodded her head in approval. “I am glad. Nathaniel,” she paused, and then continued. “Take it from someone who has spent far too much time in the darkest places of her own mind. Find joy where you can, and do not let it go.”

Nathaniel hugged her tighter against his chest. “I love you, Thea.”

“I love you too, Nate.”

 

* * *

 

Nathaniel poked at the fire in the Loft’s living room before adding another log. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his hands. He could not think of a time when he had ever been this nervous. When he heard the soft click of the front door opening, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

“There you are,” Cat smiled at him. “Thea said you had run off home and that I should follow. Personally, I suspect she just does not like anyone else handling her good plates. But I am glad you are here. I have your Satinalia gift.”

“Cataline, you did not have to get me anything,” he protested quietly as she led him into their bedroom.

“I know. Which is why I did. You will have to forgive me for not wrapping it, though. I am good, but I am not certain I am _that_ good, and the case is not quite finished yet.”

She gestured to the bed. There, lying on the quilt, was the most exquisite bow that Nathaniel had ever seen. The wood was dark and had been polished until it shone, and there were intricate carvings of vines and wildflowers running along the length of it. Beside it was a set of new arrows that had obviously been carefully hand forged and bore a series of old rune signs that Thea would probably recognize.

“Cataline,” he whispered, “it is beautiful…”

“Well, to be fair, it was really a joint effort,” she laughed softly as she slipped into his arms. “I commissioned it, but Thom did the actual woodworking. Sera designed the carvings, and Dorian called in some favors to track down real dragon heartstring. The arrowheads were all forged by Dagna and Thea.”

“Thea?” He asked, not a little surprised. “That explains the rune signs, but I did not realize she did metal working.”

“A bit,” Cat confirmed. “She decided she wanted to learn, and Dagna has been thrilled to have a student.” She snuggled closer to him. “I am so glad you like it.”

“I love it,” he brushed a kiss against her lips. “Are you… I mean, would you like your gift?”

“Sure,” she smiled, following him back downstairs. He picked up the letter he had written to her over a painstaking series of days, going through a thousand re-writes until he was certain it was as perfect as it was ever going to be. She deserved absolutely nothing less. It was short, but it came from his heart. With a hand that was trembling more than he would have liked, he handed the paper over to her, and then waited.

  

* * *

 

 

_My Wildflower-_

_Every moment since you have been back in my life has been better than the last. You are my sunrise every morning, and the light on my darkest days. Your voice is the song that is always in my heart and mind, your touch heals my soul, and I want to spend the rest of my life with the taste of you on my lips. I love you, Cataline._

_Will you marry me?_

* * *

 

 

He stood behind her, waiting until he heard her breath catch in her throat. At that moment, he knelt down on one knee, and held out the hand carved wooden box that Thom had made for him while Dagna had been crafting the ring. As she turned around, he saw tears glittering in her violet eyes, making them even more brilliant than the tanzanite stones set in the soft golden band.

“Marry me?”

 


	30. How Wonderful Life Is

_I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind_   
_That I put down in words_   
_How wonderful life is_   
_Now you’re in the world._

-“Your Song” by Elton John

 

* * *

 

 

“Alright, Catkin, I want to see the ring,” Cat heard Thea bounding down the stairs as soon as she opened the back door. “I was able to watch Dagna working on it, but I never got to see the final product.”

Cat tried to bite back the grin that had been on her face every since the night before, but failed. She held out her left hand and let Thea examine the golden band, set with violet stones and etched with a delicate pattern of wildflowers which, amusingly enough, almost perfectly matched the ones Sera had designed for Nathaniel’s bow. Thea herself was smiling brighter than she had in a long while, and when Nathaniel entered the kitchen she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him down to smack a loud kiss on his lips.

“I damn well _told_ you she would say yes!”

He laughed, hugging her close. “You did at that, Teddy girl. Happy Satinalia.”

Cullen entered the kitchen with a quiet smile and gave Nathaniel a companionable pat on the back. “Welcome to the family. Although at this point it is really just going to be a formality.” He then turned and wrapped Cataline in a hug, kissing the top of her head. “Congratulations, Cat.”

“Thank you,” she took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from bouncing up and down from sheer joy. “I take it the rest of you knew?”

Thea shook her head. “Just me, Cull, Sera, Dagna, and Thom. Obviously, they put the pieces together when Nate and I went to talk to them about the ring, but we figured you two would want to announce it yourselves.”

“And you were that confident I would say yes?” Cataline teased her cousin.

“Yes,” Thea replied archly. “Yes, I was.”

The rest of the morning passed in a blur: guests showed up for brunch, and she felt as though her left hand was going to fall off after having it passed about so much as her friends fawned over her ring, but she was too ecstatic to care. Even Ravenna’s reserved congratulations did not dampen her mood, but Bull nearly cracked three of her ribs when he wrapped her in an enthusiastic hug. After a cheerful morning full of questions about dates and colors and cake, the guests said their goodbyes, leaving Thea, Cullen, Cat, Nathaniel, and Alistair to speak in peace. The group took their coffee into the living room, where Cullen threw another log on the fire before they settled in.

For the first time that morning, Cat felt a weight settle on her heart. She noticed that Thea looked more exhausted than usual, and her locket was missing. For his part, Alistair looked as though he had lost his best friend. When no one spoke up, her old friend finally sighed and looked at her.

“Duncan is dead.”

“ _What?_ ” To Cat’s surprise, the whispered question came from Thea, who looked up with startled eyes. “When? How?”

“The same time as Cailan,” Alistair’s voice sounded broken. “I know the ‘official’ story hasn’t been released yet, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because quite honestly I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Besides,” he looked to Thea, “you’ll probably hear it from Anora even if I don’t tell you.”

“Yes,” Thea nodded quietly. “Yes, I probably will.”

Cat reached over and took Alistair’s hand in her own. “What happened, Alistair?”

He shook his head, almost as if he still could not believe the words he said. “We were on a scouting mission. There have been rumors of… of something not quite human stalking the borders between Ferelden and Orlais, coming up from the mountains. We went to investigate. Cailan was there on a goodwill mission. You know, good morale for the soldiers and what not. He’s always had a bit of a fascination with the grey wardens, and he wanted to be on the front lines with us when we faced down… whatever the void those things were.” Alistair shuddered slightly at the memory.

“We told him it was not safe. We told him to stay behind, and while I am loathe to admit it, we were not the only ones. Apparently Teyrn Loghain threw an absolute hissy fit when Cailan announced his intentions, and Anora was none too happy either.”

“I have never _once_ known Loghain to throw a ‘hissy fit,’” Thea narrowed her eyes dangerously.

“Yes, well. I suppose you would know, wouldn’t you?” Alistair shot back.

“Enough,” Cataline intervened. She was in no mood to have to clean up blood or drive anyone to the emergency room on Satinalia. She squeezed Alistair’s hand once, refocusing his attention. “So Cailan was on the front lines with you?”

Her friend sighed. “Yeah. So was Duncan. I had been sent to the comm tower to relay a message back to Denerim so that Loghain could give the word to send more troops to the front lines. Duncan and Cailan… they were ambushed, along with all the other Fereldan wardens. I sent the message, but no help ever came. It was bloody, and it was hopeless, and I have no idea why reinforcements never came, other than _somebody_ intended for us to all die there, including Cailan.”

Cataline sighed. She was suddenly, _desperately_ wishing she could have had this conversation without Thea present. “I assume you have some thoughts on this?”

“You already know I do.”

“Show me the proof,” Thea interjected, her voice calm but her eyes glittering. “If you have something to say, Alistair, say it, and show me the proof to back it up. Otherwise, I suggest you choose your next words very carefully.”

To Cat’s great relief, Alistair just shrugged. “I did not come here looking for a fight, Thea, despite what you may think. But I do want some answers. I was actually rather hoping to ask for your help.”

Cat saw the tension bleed slowly out of Thea’s body as Cullen placed a gentle hand at the small of her back. “For whatever it is worth, Alistair, coming from me… I am sorry, about Duncan. He was a good soldier and a good man, and… and I know what he meant to you.”

“Thanks, Teddy girl,” Alistair managed a weak smile. “I know that you understand better than most.”

Cataline released Alistair’s hand and leaned back against Nathaniel, trying to sort her thoughts. “As it happens, Alistair, we may be able to help each other. We have made some headway regarding the murder of my parents, and there is a slight chance that their deaths were related to something much bigger going on in Ferelden right now.”

“Oh?” Alistair glanced at her in curiosity. “How do you figure?”

“There is a power vacuum being created,” she said slowly. “We now know that Rendon Howe was the one who hired the assassins that killed my parents.”

Alistair raised an eyebrow past her in Nathaniel’s direction. “Really?” He asked, his tone flat. “Your father killed her parents, and she just agreed to marry you?”

“I would think that you, Alistair, would realize that one’s father does not always reflect upon whom one is,” Cataline replied coldly.

“Fair point,” Alistair winced. “My apologies. You seem a decent sort, Nate, really you do. I’m just trying to get past the whole ‘my best friend’s parents were murdered’ thing.”

“Understandable,” Nathaniel conceded. “But I hope you realize that I am just as eager to see him pay for what he has done to Cataline as anyone else.”

“But he has conveniently disappeared,” Cataline frowned. “At first, we thought it was because he believed we were going to uncover the embezzlement, but now…”

“People are disappearing, Alistair,” Thea spoke up quietly. “Oswyn of Dragon’s Peak… Alfstanna Eremon’s brother Irminric… Cataline is right. Taken one at a time, the occurrences don’t mean much, but looked at all together…” she shrugged.

“There is a pattern there, and too much coincidence for us to believe that it _is_ a coincidence,” Cataline finished. “Someone is pulling strings somewhere, but to what end, I am not certain. Which is why we need your help.”

“ _My_ help?” Alistair looked at her askance. “I hate to break it to you, Catkin, but I don’t really see how much help I can be. You two are far better connected than I am.”

“Oh, come on now kitten,” Thea gave a small, wry smile. “We both know that’s not true, don’t we?”

Alistair sighed, and Cat tried to give him an encouraging smile of her own. “You want me to talk to Eamon?”

“We have business connections, but our political ties are a bit less robust,” Cataline admitted. “Beyond, of course, what is necessitated by our business dealings. Eamon, or even Teagan, would have a better feeling for the pulse of Fereldan politics right now. They may have more insight into what people are in play, or have heard something, even rumors or whispers, that we have not been privy to. Maybe they can fill in some of the missing pieces to both our mysteries. We will, of course, continue to do everything we can on our side to find answers for you as well. Thea, I believe you still have contacts in the border towns of Orlais?” Her cousin nodded briefly. “Perhaps they can tell us more about the mountain ambush.”

“Well…” Alistair hesitated, but Cataline knew they had him. “I suppose I could at least talk to them. Eamon and Teagan have always been kind to me, even though they did not have to be. And I will see them at the memorial service on Saturday regardless. Anora saw fit to invite me, although I was not certain she would.”

“You give her too little credit, Alistair,” Thea chided, but her voice was not unkind. “She bears you no ill will, and she knows that you never had any intention of challenging her or her marriage to Cailan.”

Alistair gave her a small smile. “You are a loyal friend, Thea. I certainly hope that family proves worthy of it. In any case, you’re not wrong. I never wanted the throne, I actively _avoided_ the throne, and now that Cailan is dead I fully intend on disappearing as soon as possible to sidestep any schemes Eamon may have to try and supplant the woman and put me there in her place. I am perfectly happy just being Alistair the grey warden. I know who I am, as a soldier. And I would like to think it will be my legacy to Duncan.”

Nathaniel gave a small cough behind her, and Cat turned to face him. His brow was furrowed in confusion. “I apologize for apparently being behind the curve here, and please understand I say this with no offense intended, but why exactly are _you_ a threat to Anora’s rule?”

“Oh, this is always good,” Thea leaned back, and Nathaniel was surprised to hear sympathy lace her tone.

“Because,” Alistair replied, running a hand through his hair with a sigh. “My last name is Theirin.”

“You’re… oh.”

“Yeah. The bastard son of Maric and some nameless serving girl he knocked up. I’ve spent my life being considered an inconvenience at best and an embarrassment at worst.” Cat felt a slight twinge in her heart at the recital; she knew Alistair had had to repeat it more often than he would have liked, and even Thea did not needle him about his heritage. “But technically, I am still an inconvenience and an embarrassment of the Theirin bloodline, and Cailan was my half-brother. There are some, including Eamon Guerrin, who would prefer to try and put me forward as a claimant to the throne in Anora’s stead. Personally, I’m just glad no one has tried to arrange a marriage between myself and the widow as of yet,” he finished drily.

“However,” Cataline jumped back in, “that does put us in a bit of a bind. Alistair, you have to know that you cannot go back to your grey warden unit yet, and honestly, I would not even recommend going home to Mira until we figure this out. With the situation still in flux, I don’t want to risk her life any more than yours.”

“I will ask Bull to send some of his people out,” Thea began rapidly entering a message into her phone. “The Chargers are an excellent company: they will keep her safe.”

“Thanks, Thea,” Alistair replied gratefully.

“Where are you staying?” Cat asked, trying to run through some potential safe houses in her mind and discarding them nearly as quickly as she came up with them.

To her surprise, Alistair grinned. “Oh, I don’t think you need to worry about me on _that_ front. I rang up an old friend when I got into town, and she was more than happy to let me crash with her.”

Cat laughed. _Of course_. “Leliana. Well, I am confident you will be safe there, unless she offers you tea.”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow in her direction, and she smiled.

“Well, I suppose it depends on whether or not she has stopped keeping her deadly herbs in the kitchen…”

 

 


	31. Instead There's Only Silence

_Lost in the darkness_   
_Tried to find your way home_   
_I want to embrace you_   
_And never let you go._

-“Somewhere” by Within Temptation feat. Anneke Van Giersbergen

 

* * *

 

 

“Cataline, are you sure I should be going?” Nathaniel asked, trying to pretend that it had not been years since he had last worn a suit. “I thought this service was for friends and family…”

“Which you are,” she smiled gently. She, of course, looked stunning in a simple black wool dress that hugged her curves just enough to be appealing without being inappropriate for a funeral. “Anora is actually quite looking forward to seeing you again; she said she has vague recollections of you, but was pleased to hear that you had returned and that we were engaged. So yes, to answer your unspoken question, you _have_ to be there. Besides,” she glanced up the stairs towards Thea’s bedroom with a small frown. “I think Thea is going to need us today more than Anora is.”

Nathaniel agreed. The closer they had gotten to the day of the services for Cailan, the more twitchy and irritable Thea had become. It had become nigh impossible to get her to eat anything, and she was obviously not sleeping. Only Cullen seemed to be able to calm her down, and even that appeared to be a constant battle. The younger woman had spent hours either locked in her office with her research and news clippings, or in her music room at the piano, working on whatever song Anora had requested that she sing and frequently swearing whenever her fingers hit a wrong note or her voice cracked on what sounded suspiciously like a sob. At Cullen’s suggestion, they mostly left her alone. He obviously knew something the rest of them did not, and so they took him at his word, although Nathaniel could tell Cat was not entirely happy about it.

When she finally appeared on the landing, Nathaniel almost did not recognize his best friend. Her already fair skin was even paler and, despite her best efforts, her perfect makeup did little to cover the dark circles under eyes. The black suit she wore was expertly tailored, probably by Vivienne’s seamstresses, and her hair had been left down in auburn waves, which was rare in and of itself. She looked like death itself: beautiful, but not a little frightening.

As she slowly descended the stairs in heels he knew she must have hated, he handed her an orange. She glared at it briefly, but he shrugged. “Thea, I have no idea what is going on with you, but I have a feeling you do _not_ want to appear weak today. Do you really want to risk passing out in front of everyone? Or worse?”

She relented, accepting the proffered fruit and sulkily peeling away the rinds without a word. He saw Cullen give him a small smile of thanks before they stepped outside and bundled into the car. Cataline sat in the back with Thea, trying to coax her cousin into conversation, but the other woman maintained her silence, her thoughts obviously not with them. Nathaniel glanced briefly at Cullen, his eyebrow raised in question. His friend just gave him a subtle shake of his head. _Not the time_.

They arrived at the Denerim chantry and found a parking spot in the already busy lot. Cataline slipped her arm into his and gave him a comforting smile before turning to help Thea up. She still seemed content not to speak, but she accepted Cullen’s hand when he offered it to her as they walked into the softly lit halls of the building.

Nathaniel almost did not recognize Anora Theirin: it had been many years since he had seen her, and even that had only been in passing and without the mark of grief upon her. The queen was standing slightly to the side, greeting mourners with a cool air of detached politeness. When they approached, she managed a small smile, and her well-cultured voice sounded almost relieved.

“Cat, Nathaniel,” she greeted them, taking their hands warmly in her own. “Thank you so much for coming. It means a great deal to me, and I wanted to be able to see you before the state funeral. And I understand congratulations are in order?” Her smile broadened slightly as Cataline showed her the ring. “I certainly hope I can beg an invitation to the wedding?”

“Of course, Anora,” Cat laughed softly. “We would be honored.”

The other woman nodded once, then looked past them. “Thea,” she whispered, as she stepped forward. The two women embraced tightly, and for a brief moment Nathaniel could see both of their masks flicker slightly. “Oh, how I have missed you. It has been too long, my friend.”

“It has,” Thea finally spoke for the first time that morning. “I am so sorry, Nora. This year has been… difficult.”

“I know,” the queen nodded sadly. “I do not believe we have seen you since the funeral for Bryce and Eleanor. But you and I need to speak, soon, I-”

“Anora.” A cool, dispassionate voice spoke up behind her as a tall, broad shouldered man with dark hair and piercing blue eyes approached. “The revered mother has been looking for you.”

“Of course,” Anora acknowledged. “Father, you remember Cataline, Bryce and Eleanor’s youngest? And this is her fiancé, Nathaniel. And of course Cullen Rutherford.”

“I do, yes,” Loghain Mac Tir inclined his head politely. “Ms. Cousland, Mr. Rutherford… Mr. Howe.” He paused briefly when he looked at Nathaniel, and almost seemed to be about to say something further when his attention was pulled away, and his expression softened ever so slightly.

“Theadosia.”

“You know, you are _still_ the only one who insists on referring to me by my full name,” she replied softly.

“Should I not?” He asked intently. “It is a beautiful name, and it suits you.”

The faintest ghost of a smile curved at Thea’s lips before she spoke again. “I need to go see to the piano. You know how these chantry sisters are: half of them are near deaf and I will not sit at a badly tuned instrument. Anora.” She nodded in her friend’s direction before turning and walking to the front of the chantry, and Nathaniel noticed that Loghain’s attention remained focused on her even as she walked away before he too shook his head and departed with Anora at his side. He glanced down at Cataline, and saw the she was frowning slightly.

“What’s wrong, Wildflower?” he murmured under his breath so that only she could hear.

She slipped her hand into his as they walked down the aisle. “I am not certain,” she admitted. “Thea has never kept secrets from me, but I have never once understood her friendship with that man. Not that he is necessarily a bad person, mind you. He was King Maric’s best friend and most trusted general and advisor, and Anora is a lovely person once you get to know her, but… I don’t know. It is the one thing she would never talk about. And it is the only thing that she and Alistair have ever really fought over. She is incredibly defensive when it comes to Loghain and Anora.”

Nathaniel filed the information away for later as they slipped into the seats beside Alistair and an older man he did not recognize, but who Cat introduced as Arl Eamon Guerrin of Redcliffe and Cailan’s uncle. Next to him on his other side was his younger brother, Bann Teagan Guerrin of Rainesfere, ruddy haired and kind-eyed. Cullen sat on Nathaniel’s left and Thea, apparently satisfied that the piano was in acceptable condition, moved to join him. She was stopped short when Anora, sitting in the front row of pews with her father on the other side of the aisle, held out a hand and spoke a few words. Thea hesitated, then nodded once, slipping into the seat beside Anora, accepting the queen’s hand in her own and holding it tightly.

The revered mother spoke, and Anora spoke, and Eamon spoke. Nathaniel had never known Cailan, but he could appreciate the moving tributes that were offered to his memory. Then, as Eamon took his seat, Thea stood and approached the piano set to the side of the altar, her face a serene mask of placidity that Nathaniel suspected she had picked up from her cousin. He watched as she closed her eyes briefly, and then her slender fingers gently brushed the keys, the first few delicate notes shattering the silence of the chantry hall as effectively as a firecracker.

_“Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign. Instead, there’s only silence.”_

Nathaniel had heard Thea perform dozens of times since he had come home, and hundreds of times in the years before he had left, but he had _never_ heard her sound quite like this: her voice soared and arced in the near-perfect acoustics of the chantry, and every note was colored by pain and rage and fear in equal measure. Even had they not already been at a funeral, he would have been able to feel the sheer grief tearing at his heart with every word she sang. He could see silent tears streaming down the queen’s face, and Cataline gripped his arm a little tighter as she sniffed delicately. Even Alistair’s eyes were shining slightly in the dim light.

As the last notes rang out, Thea closed her eyes again, and when she opened them, Nathaniel once again saw the exhaustion and pain in there before she quickly banished them and stood, returning to Anora’s side and wrapping an arm around the other woman’s shoulders as the queen leaned against her. When the service ended, Thea stood and returned to their small group. Cullen took her in his arms and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and she gave him a small smile.

“Cat,” she turned towards them, “Anora would still like to speak with us after she is finished with her goodbyes. I-”

“Theadosia,” Loghain Mac Tir stood behind her, his expression impassive. “May I have a word?”

Thea took a breath, and then turned, head held high and her own face equally unreadable. “Of course.” She glanced back at them. “I will return shortly.” She followed Loghain out of the main hall.

Nathaniel felt a soft jab in his ribs. He looked down at Cataline, who was staring after her cousin. “Follow them. I have to meet with Anora, but I want to know what in the void is going on.”

“Are you insane?” He muttered. “If she catches me…”

“Please, Nate,” Cat whispered, looking up at him with pleading violet eyes.

“Cat, I’m not sure that is a good idea,” Cullen interjected, frowning slightly. “Thea needs to do this on her own. There are things she needs to say, and I don’t think you really understand…”

“I _understand_ that Thea has been acting even crankier than usual ever since she found out she has to deal with that man again,” Cataline shot back. “I want to know why.”

“Then maybe just ask her!”

“You know she won’t tell me, Cullen.” Nathaniel could hear the hurt in Cat’s voice. “Just like she has never shown me the pictures in that damn locket she always wears.” She turned her attention back to Nathaniel. “Please, love. You’re the only one I know who has any degree of experience being light on your feet, and I am worried about her.” She lowered her eyelashes slowly, and he knew the battle was already lost.

Nathaniel looked to Cullen, who just sighed and shook his head. “Don’t get caught,” he advised, his tone flat, “Or we’ll all hear about it later. New plates, remember?”

Shaking his own head in resignation, Nathaniel turned and followed the path his friend had taken until he spotted Thea and Loghain in a small courtyard off the main building. The door had been left open, and he slipped close enough to hear what they were saying while still leaving an escape route open should they approach. Whatever conversation the two were having, it did not seem to be going well.

“What exactly do you want from me, Theadosia?”

“I want to know what in the void is going on,” Nathaniel heard her hiss angrily. “I want to know why people are disappearing, and why my aunt and uncle are dead, and Cailan is dead, and somehow _your_ damn name keeps coming up in my research.” When no response was forthcoming, she continued, and now Nathaniel could hear a slight tremor in her voice. “I want you to tell me that you have nothing to do with any of it. I want you to tell me that this is all just a string of really fucking bad luck and that you are just caught in the middle of it. I want you to explain why you ignored my damn letter.”

Loghain sighed. “Language, Theadosia.”

“Don’t you dare ‘language’ me, Loghain Mac Tir!” She shot back, jabbing him in the chest. “You have long since forfeited that privilege. I need to know. I need to know if the man that I- that I have continued to defend, that I _still_ call my friend, is…” Thea threw up her hands in frustration. “I need to know.”

There was silence for a long span of time. “I had nothing to do with Bryce and Eleanor’s death, Theadosia. I promise,” he finally said, “And Cailan… Cailan’s death was his own doing. I _told_ him not to go. I _told_ him it was idiotic to risk his life on the front lines.”

“And the rest of it? Loghain, I _know_ you have heard what they have been saying.”

“And _I_ am surprised at you. You have never been one to give much weight to idle gossip, Theadosia.”

Nathaniel inched closer to the edge of the door, watching as Thea pinched the bridge of her nose. “I think we have moved well beyond the realm of idle gossip. I sent the letter because I wanted to help. Because I don’t want to see you be dragged down by this. But I cannot help if you will not tell me the truth.”

“Theadosia…”

She looked up at him, and Nathaniel could see tears reflected amidst the storm of her eyes.

“ _Please_.”

Loghain said nothing in response, but instead reached into his pocket and pulled out a necklace that Nathaniel immediately recognized as Thea’s locket. A _ndraste’s blood_ , Nathaniel’s brain finally made the connection.

_The wyvern locket… the golden wyvern of Gwaren teyrnir._

“Your assassin friend said you would be expecting this back,” Loghain spoke quietly. “May I?”

Thea nodded silently, sweeping her hair up and away from her neck and allowing Loghain to carefully fasten the clasp. “I admit,” he murmured almost such that Nathaniel could not hear him, “I was briefly…concerned… that you were returning it.”

“Never.”

When he stepped away, his hands remained resting on her shoulders. “Theadosia, look at me. _You must walk away_. Let this go. If anything happened to you, I would never forgive myself.”

Thea gave a short breath of exasperated laughter. “ _Now_ you’re worried about hurting me?”

Loghain sighed. “Theadosia, that is not fair. You know why-”

She held up her hand, shaking her head. “I know. I also know we promised each other we would respect the decision when it was made. I kept my promise, Loghain, but I never once promised to like it.”

“You think I did?” Loghain’s voice grew hoarse. “I have been paying for that choice every damn day since.”

Nathaniel had to resist the urge to go to her then, because it looked as though every ounce of breath had been stolen from Thea’s body. Whatever she had been expecting to hear, it was not that. But as much as he wanted to protect her, he doubted she would much appreciate his interference.

“Now who is not being fair?” She whispered.

“Theadosia, I- I am sorry. You are right: that is not fair to either of us,” Loghain rubbed his eyes briefly. “But I meant what I said: I do not want anything to happen to you.”

She met his eyes, and even from his hiding place Nathaniel could see the familiar defiance return to her gaze. “And yet you expect me to walk away and let something happen to _you?_ ”

“Yes,” Loghain replied with finality. “It is what it must be.” He placed a gentle hand on her cheek. “Theadosia, you still have so much life ahead of you…” He shook his head. “I have to go. I will try to be in touch soon. I have missed our talks, and I know Anora has missed your company. She will need you now more than ever.”

Thea nodded mutely as he bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and Nathaniel took the opportunity to slip away quietly before either of them re-entered the building. By the time he stepped back outside the main doors of the chantry, the parking lot had mostly emptied save for Cataline, Cullen, and Anora. Anora and Cataline seemed to be deep in conversation, so he took a moment to stand and lean back against the cool stone of the building, trying to process his thoughts.

“You are Rendon’s eldest, aren’t you?”

Nathaniel only just managed to conceal his surprise as he turned to face Loghain, who must have been shortly behind him in exiting the chantry. “It is not my preferred means of identifying myself,” he replied evenly, “but it is not inaccurate.”

“Hm,” the other man replied, and he seemed to be appraising him. “You are the one who broke the Cousland girl’s heart.”

Nathaniel sighed. “Again, not my preferred means of introduction, but yes, I suppose that is true as well.”

“It seems to have worked out for you both, in the end.”

“Yes, I suppose it did.”

They stood there in uncomfortable silence until finally Loghain spoke again. “She was not the only one you hurt, you know.”

“I am keenly aware of that, yes,” Nathaniel shot back, slightly irritably. “However, as I am sure you can see, Thea has not killed or even maimed me yet, so I am optimistic on that front as well.”

To his surprise, the faintest curve of a smile tugged at Loghain’s mouth. “You make a good point. She always did have that temper. Is she… how is she?”

Nathaniel briefly considered lying to the man. He rather suspected Loghain deserved it, but instead he simply shrugged. “The last year has been bad. The last week has been worse.”

“Is she eating enough?”

“No.” Nathaniel’s answer was blunt, but Loghain seemed to respect his honesty. “And she is not sleeping enough, but Cullen seems to be supporting her through the worst of it.”

“Yes, I imagine he is,” Loghain replied softly. “He is a good man.” He turned and began to step away, but paused briefly and looked back towards Nathaniel. “Take care of her, Mr. Howe. Underneath that temper is a good heart and a soul that has been through too much, and she will need people like you. Better people than I. But also know that if you break her a second time, I will personally hunt you down to ensure you do not have a third opportunity.”

“Noted,” Nathaniel responded coolly.

Loghain nodded, then added, “Oh… and give my regards to the Bear.”

Now it was Nathaniel’s turn to smile slightly.

“I will do that.”

He watched as Loghain strode off towards a waiting car, then turned in the direction of the chantry’s doors where Thea was finally emerging. She stood beside him, and it was painfully obvious that she had tried to cover up the fact that she had shed tears. He knew she hated crying in front of other people. Nathaniel put an arm around her shoulders.

“Thea?”

“Yes, Nate?”

“When this is all over, I think you and I need to have a very long talk.”

She sighed, accepting his arm and allowing him to lead her down towards the car.

“Yeah, Nate. I think we probably do. But for now, you need to understand one thing.” She stopped short of the others, her face once again a mask of calm but her eyes steel. “No matter what you just heard or what you just saw, I will not let _anything_ happen to you or Cataline.”

“I still remember where my loyalties lie.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	32. Take My Word

_Take my word I'm a madman don't you know_   
_The ground's a long way down but I need more_   
_Is the nightmare black_   
_Or are the windows painted?_

 

-“Madman Across the Water” by Elton John

 

* * *

 

 

There seemed to be an unspoken agreement amongst those gathered that whatever there was to be discussed, it could wait until the following morning. The car ride back to the house was made in silence and, as much as she was dying to ask Thea about the mysterious reappearance of her locket, Cataline refrained. Instead, after giving her cousin a long hug in the kitchen, she followed Nathaniel back to the Loft where they spent the rest of the evening mostly lost in their own thoughts. She did not ask him about Thea’s conversation with Loghain, nor did he offer any information. The next morning, the four of them gathered in the kitchen once again, this time joined by Alistair.

“Well, Eamon is just having kittens over this mess,” Alistair announced after they had all taken a seat around the table. “Apparently, Loghain has been busy. He still isn’t exactly sure what he’s up to, but Eamon confirmed that a lot of the banns and arls have been in talks with Loghain, but not necessarily Anora. _Something_ is going on, but I am not entirely convinced the queen is on to it.”

“That squares with what Anora told me,” Cataline nodded. “She is worried about her father. Although she is reluctant to believe he had anything to do with Cailan’s death, she admitted that he has become more withdrawn lately, and no longer talks with her like he used to.”

“And that,” Thea sighed, “concerns me more than anything else.” They all looked in her direction with varying degrees of question in their expressions. Cataline gave her arm a comforting squeeze, and Thea managed a tiny smile. “He would not tell me anything either, not that I really expected him too. He says he had nothing to do with Bryce and Eleanor’s death, and I am at least inclined to believe him when he says that. I do not believe he would ever do anything to intentionally harm Cat or I. However, he is obviously involved with _something_. He…” she paused, and looked away from Cataline’s gaze. “Loghain is worried, and I have rarely seen him worried. And whatever it is that has him on edge, he was concerned for my safety, which does not exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because he knows I am more frightening than most things that would come after me. Furthermore, it bothers me that Anora is in the dark on this. Her father does not make a habit of keeping secrets from her.”

Cat sat back, her finger tapping the side of her cheek thoughtfully. “You are certain he did not say anything else that may be helpful?”

“No,” Thea shook her head. “Nathaniel will tell you the same thing, won’t you kitten?”

Nathaniel looked startled for a moment, then gave them a sheepish smile. “I suppose I was not as well-hidden as I thought.”

“No, you were.” Thea grinned. “But I knew Cat would send someone after me. She does not trust him, and I doubt she much trusts _me_ when it comes to him.”

Cat felt her cheeks heating slightly, but Thea did not seem to be terribly bothered by it. “Only because I worry, Teddy girl.”

“He would not hurt me, Cat,” Thea’s smile faded and her voice was quiet. “But I- I agree, with Alistair. Maker help me.”

“You _what_?” Alistair asked, disbelief evident in his tone.

“I have no patience for those who cannot see the facts in front of their face,” Thea raised an eyebrow. “Believe it or not, Alistair, I consider you my friend as well. And since you have seen fit to trust me where Loghain has not, I will do what I can to help you.”

“I… Thank you, Thea,” Alistair managed, and Cataline could feel tension draining from the room.  “Eamon and Teagan have agreed to do what they can to try and draw support back away from Loghain and redirect it to Anora herself.”

“Unfortunately, I also have an update,” Cullen spoke up, his face grim. “Bull has had some of his people poking around, and there have been rumors that Rendon Howe has been spotted skulking about the palace. I have not been able to confirm anything, and it is unlikely his presence has been sanctioned by Anora, but I trust Bull’s information.”

“Shit,” Cataline swore under her breath, prompting surprised looks from the others. She looked back to Thea, wary of asking her next question. “Thea, how absolutely confident are you that Loghain had nothing to do with mom and dad’s death?”

“I would bet my life on it,” Thea replied evenly. “That is not to say that Rendon did not strike some other deal, and I am not willing to discount the possibility entirely, but I still believe that he ordered their deaths all on his own.”

Cat nodded. “Alright. That is good enough for me. But this complicates things. If Rendon Howe manages to gain the protection of the crown, either through Loghain or Anora, then even if we catch him and link him to the murder, there is the possibility of a royal pardon or a commuted sentence. Neither option appeals to me terribly much.”

“All the more reason we should go after Loghain first, then,” Alistair argued. “There is no love lost between Rendon and Anora, and I can just about guarantee that whatever bargain he struck with her father would be worthless to her.”

Cat noticed a pained glance pass between Thea and Nathaniel before the former shut her eyes and sighed bitterly. “I agree. I have done what I can.”

“I will speak with Leliana,” Cataline offered, “see what she can find out. The records on Cailan’s death are still sealed and likely to remain that way, but I will put out feelers, maybe call in a few favors, and see if that gets us anywhere.”

“And I’ll get back in touch with Zev and Bela,” Thea leaned back in her chair with an air of resignation. 

“Good. We have a plan,” Alistair clapped his hands together and stood, looking better than he had since the Satinalia Eve party. “I have to go. I have a meeting with the lawyer handling Duncan’s estate, but I will catch up with you all later, yes?” He bent and pressed kiss to her forehead, then after a moment’s hesitation, did the same to Thea, placing an uncertain hand on her shoulder and earning a small smile.

Cullen and Nathaniel also stood. “We are going to go into town and pick up dinner. Do you ladies want pizza or should we go to that place that has the Seheron cuisine?”

Thea just shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

Cat sighed. “Pizza is fine, guys. Maybe pick up some beer, too? I think we all need a drink right about now.” She looked back to her cousin as the men left. There was one topic of conversation she knew could draw Thea out of herself.

“So… Nate and I were thinking about the first Saturday of Justinian for the wedding. Warm enough for a beach wedding, but not the height of summer.”

Thea managed another small smile. “That sounds lovely, Cat. I assume we will be having it here? You know I will be just devastated if I don’t get to help you plan.”

“Oh, I was counting on it,” Cataline laughed. “I spoke with Viv, and she says that if I can get in for a fitting this week and tell her what I want, she will have my dress ready by then. I will show you some pictures of what I was thinking about…” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and began scrolling through pictures, listening as Thea made the occasional comment or suggestion about color or cut.

“Thea?”

“Yes, Catkin?”

Cataline paused, then asked, “Are you going to be alright? I know that you were close…”

Thea looked away, but Cat could see the hurt in her expression. “Loghain is, for better or worse, my friend, Cataline, despite both our attempts to argue to the contrary. We have not spoken much in the last year or so, but I still care, as I suspect he does. And it is killing me that I am having to make decisions I never wanted to make, but you know that I would do anything to keep you safe, and to make sure that whatever the fuck is going on doesn’t go any further. You come first, Cataline. You and Cullen and Nathaniel. We all make our promises: I intend to keep mine. And,” Cat heard Thea’s voice catch in her throat, “We all make our choices: Loghain made his years ago.”

Cat knew there was more that Thea was not saying, but before she could press any further her cousin changed the subject. “Are you and Nate still thinking you want to build a house instead of buying?”

“Yes,” Cat confirmed. “I’m too picky, apparently,” she smiled ruefully. “So we have started sketching out floor plans and thinking about what we want. We just need to find the right parcel of land.”

“You can have the East Wood.”

Cataline stared at her cousin, who was still idling scrolling through photos of place cards and flower arrangements. “I’m sorry?”

Thea shrugged. “If you want it, Cullen and I will sign over the acreage in the east woods. You would have your own space, but would still be close, so you would have to decide if you and Nate can stand living that near to us long term. But it would be nice to keep it in the family.”

“Maker’s breath, you aren’t kidding, are you?”

“I am not,” Thea gave her a small half smile. “Talk to Nate about it, see what he says, but Cullen and I have already discussed it. We have loved having the two of you living so close. And, don’t tell Cullen I told you, but it has been good for him to have a friend like Nathaniel.”

Cat smiled. “Yes, I can see that. It almost makes me wonder why _you_ didn’t fall for Nate, as well.”

Thea laughed at that, a full, rich laugh that Cat had not heard in a long time. “Oh Catkin… probably because I always saw him in relation to _you_. I love Nathaniel with all my heart, just not like that. He and I, we’re all storms and sharp edges. He needs you because you soften those parts of him.”

“I think so too,” Cataline wrapped an arm around Thea’s shoulders and hugged her close. “We’re going to make it through this, right? We’re not in way over our heads?”

“Oh Catkin, we’re practically drowning,” Thea rolled her eyes. “But I am with you. So is Cullen. We will see this through, no matter what.”

Cat smiled. “There is no one I would rather have on our side.”

 

* * *

 

Cat and Nathaniel were quiet as they walked back to the Loft together after dinner, hand in hand. Cataline was oddly at peace with the world, despite the rapid pace at which everything seemed to be unraveling. When they got inside, she and Nathaniel took a brief shower before curling up in bed together, pulling the quilt up around them and snuggling close.

“I was talking to Thea today,” Cat yawned, remembering the earlier conversation with her cousin.

“Oh?” Nathaniel mumbled, already half asleep. “Did you find anything else out?”

“Not about the mess we’re in the middle of, no. I don’t suppose you remembered anything else?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Other than that I think there is, or was, more between her and Loghain than she is admitting, either to us or maybe even to herself.” Nathaniel shrugged. “Anyways. What did you talk about?”

“Hm?” Cataline tried to refocus her thoughts, distracted momentarily by Nathaniel’s musings. “Oh. She and Cullen want to cede the East Wood to us, if we want to build our house there. The land is solid, and we would not have to clear many trees that way. It would mean staying close to them, but personally I see that as being a plus. She told me to discuss it with you, see what you thought.”

“Andraste’s blood,” he murmured. “Seriously?”

“Mmhmm,” she nodded against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. “What do you think? Want to stick around for awhile?”

He laughed softly, the sound echoing in his chest and vibrating against her cheek.

“Yeah. I think I can live with that.”

 

 


	33. Before the Morning Comes

_I look inside myself and see my heart is black_   
_I see my red door I must have it painted black_   
_Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts_   
_It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black._

 

-“Paint it Black” as performed by Ciara

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning dawned cold and grey, and Nathaniel was grateful for the warmth of Cataline’s body pressed warm against his own for more reasons than one. There seemed to be something hanging in the air: a sense of foreboding that he could not quite put a name to, but that was present nonetheless. When he felt Cat stirring beside him, he bent down and brushed a kiss against her temple.

“Can you work from home today, Wildflower? Something just doesn’t feel right.”

“Mmm,” she mumbled, rolling over and picking her phone up from the bedside table, sleepily scrolling through her calendar. “I think so. I don’t see any appointments scheduled for today; just a write up for the new trade agreement with Antiva for this year’s wine. So I believe I can definitely justify not having to put on pants today.” Cat flashed him a brief smile, and his heart felt a little lighter. Still, Nathaniel could not quite shake the feeling that something was going to happen. He just didn’t know what.

In spite of the nagging sense of worry that had settled into the pit of his stomach, the day passed calmly enough. He was even able to get slightly ahead on a few projects Dorian wanted to roll out for the new year and start researching contractors for the new house, since ideally they would start breaking ground as soon as the first thaw hit. Nathaniel was just shutting his work laptop down for the day when a text came in from Thea.

_T: Alistair says he has news and wants to talk. I do *not* want to talk, but I suspect I do not have much of a choice in the matter._

_N: Want moral support?_

_T: More than that. This involves you two just as much as me. And honestly, I am not feeling so great today. I think there may have been something in the sandwich I tried to eat that is putting me off._

_N: Are you ok? What time?_

_T: Just come up for dinner. Cullen is cooking; I just can’t right now._

_N: You didn’t answer my first question._

_T: I think I’ll be ok, Nate. I only ate about a quarter of the sandwich. For all I know, the bastards lied when they told me it didn’t have artichoke in the spread. You know I’m impossibly allergic._

_N: Yes, it’s quite the tragedy. In any case, we’ll see you in a bit._

“Did she text you too?” He called down to the living room where Cat was wrapping up her project as well.

“Yes. I hope she hasn’t caught some stomach virus. That’s the last thing we need right now.”

“Me too,” he agreed, descending the stairs and planting a kiss on the top of her head. “But at least this means she was eating something.”

Cataline smiled at him. “Yes, silver linings I suppose. I guess if Alistair is going to be there I should change out of my pajama pants, huh?”

“Probably,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around her as she stood and pulling her close. “Although _I_ would prefer a third alternative…”

She swatted him playfully across the chest. “You are either the best, or the worst, I can’t decide. Come on; let’s go.”

They walked up to the main house and entered through the kitchen door. Cullen was at the stove, stirring something that smelled amazing. He gave them a small smile when they entered, but Nathaniel could tell he was worried. Thea was sitting at the kitchen table sipping a glass of water and looking peaked. Cat rushed over and placed a hand on her forehead, then shook her head.

“No fever, yet… that is something.”

Thea managed a weak smile. “I’m fine, Catkin. Just tired, I think, and if it is all the same to the rest of you I will pass on dinner.”

“For once,” Nathaniel frowned slightly, “I think that would be wise. Do you just want to go on up to bed? Anything Alistair has to say we can repeat back to you. You don’t need to sit here and suffer.”

Thea sighed, her eyelids fluttering briefly. “You know what… I think that is actually a good idea. You’ll come get me if anything important happens?”

“Of course, Starshine,” Cullen promised, scooping his wife up in his arms and ignoring her muttered protests. “I’ll tuck you in.”

Nathaniel glanced at Cataline, who looked even more disturbed than she had when she’d first seen her cousin. “What’s wrong?”

“No fever…” she mumbled. “I almost wish she had one. It would mean it is just stomach flu. She looks _awful_.”

“I thought that is exactly what we did _not_ want?”

She sighed. “It would not be ideal, but the alternative-”

Cat was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Nathaniel had long since learned that friends rarely knocked at Thea’s house: if the door was unlocked, you could come in. Alistair entered the kitchen, brushing snow out of his hair and brandishing a small flash drive.

“You will not _believe_ what I have,” he tossed the drive on the kitchen table just as Cullen came back downstairs. Alistair glanced at him, eyebrow raised in question.

“She’s not feeling well,” Cullen answered the unspoken question. “Really. She’s not just avoiding you. In fact,” his brow furrowed slightly, concern written on his face, “if she is not feeling better by tomorrow, I think I am going to take her in.”

“I hope she’s ok,” Alistair replied, and Nathaniel could tell that despite whatever differences he and Thea had, he meant it. “In the meantime, I have news.”

“That’s what Thea mentioned,” Nathaniel pulled a chair out and sat at the table across from Alistair. “You were meeting with Duncan’s lawyer, yes?”

The other man nodded. “Apparently, I was named his sole heir. I… I admit, I did not realize that I meant that much to him.” Alistair’s expression softened. “He was like a father to me. Much more than Maric ever was, in any case. Duncan left me everything, including access to all of his personal files and notes, as well as the passwords needed to retrieve the most sensitive information. Honestly,” he paused uncertainly, “I am not exactly sure why he had some of this, or how he obtained it, and I am not sure I want to know. The point is, it is useful to our little project here.”

Cullen served up the lamb stew he had made and joined them at the table, and then Alistair began his narrative.

“Apparently, Duncan enjoyed quite a bit of Cailan’s confidence,” Alistair started, a faint trace of jealousy in his tone. “I knew they met often, but I did not realize just how much Cailan had entrusted to him. Duncan had copies of all of the king’s personal and official correspondence, saved to this drive. I have to assume it is because Cailan gave it to him for safekeeping, but again, we’ll never know, as both of them are dead. I have no idea if he ever read any of it; a lot of it is quite boring. However, if we jump ahead to the last couple of years…”

“There are a few things that began happening. First, we had our first sighting of those creatures crawling out of the Frostback Mountains. The Grey Wardens had tried reaching out to Orzammar, to see if they had any idea what was going on, but we were met with silence.”

“Trade has slowed to almost a trickle with the dwarven kingdom,” Cataline interjected thoughtfully. “We assumed it was because of the infighting over their royal succession.”

“It might well have been,” Alistair shrugged, “but whatever those monsters are, they are coming from underground, and we had hoped for either support or information from the dwarves, but heard nothing. So we sent envoys to both Val Royeaux and Denerim, asking for information or, preferably, soldiers. Cailan responding with enthusiasm: he has always had a bit of a fascination with the Order. I think he saw this as an opportunity to do something spectacular like the kings of old, or maybe he just understood that this was something that would threaten all of us regardless of our nationality.”

He paused in his narrative and gave a heavy sigh. “Cailan reached out to Empress Celene, behind Anora’s back and, therefore, behind Loghain’s back. Suggested that perhaps a joint military effort would be in our best interests.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Nathaniel heard Cullen mutter beside him, and he nodded in agreement.

“He was inviting Orlesian chevaliers back into Ferelden?” Nathaniel asked incredulously. “Did he have an exit strategy? Did he have a plan for getting them back _out_ of the country? Last I heard, Orlais was still a bit put out about their failed occupation of our fair Ferelden.”

“Did Cailan _ever_ have an exit strategy?” Alistair responded wearily. “He was a good man, and he was good with his people, but he had no mind for governance and even less of a mind for war. He largely relied on his father in law for that and, more recently, on the Grey Wardens.”

“Even though the wardens are _supposed_ to be neutral,” Cataline interjected pointedly.

“Yeah,” Alistair agreed. “Funny how rarely that works out.”

Nathaniel pinched the bridge of his nose. “Was he absolutely insane? Anora probably could have been reasoned with, and she _probably_ could have brought her father around. Maybe. But for fuck’s sake, the man lived through the occupation. He’s the damn Hero of the River Dane. If he even heard a whisper that Cailan was secretly trying to let Orlesian forces back into the country…”

“Oh, it gets worse.”

“Of course it does,” Cullen rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair, arms folded across his chest.

Alistair took a deep breath. “Apparently, things between Cailan and Anora… have not been amazing. He still loved her, and I know she loved him. Whether or not the marriage was initially one of political convenience, I couldn’t say, but I know those two adored each other by the end. But Cailan was facing an immense amount of pressure, especially from the Guerrin side of the family, to produce an heir to protect the Theirin bloodline on the throne.”

“What is this, the middle ages?” Cataline snorted derisively.

Her friend shrugged before continuing. “In any case, there have been… concerns… that Anora was not able to bear children. Or that maybe she simply did not want to, I don’t know. Meanwhile, Celene was starting to make incredibly _friendly_ overtures towards Cailan, and Cailan was starting to make an awful lot of “diplomatic” trips to Orlais…”

“You were right,” Nathaniel spoke up drily, “it got _much_ worse. Did Anora know?”

“I don’t know,” Alistair admitted. “She is smart, and resourceful, and far more versed in the Game than her husband. It is possible. However, I am not certain that her pride would have permitted her to say anything if she was not absolutely certain. Royal divorces are messy, at best.”

“But Anora is everything to Loghain,” Cataline said thoughtfully. “If _he_ found out…”

Nathaniel looked over to Cullen, who met his gaze with an unspoken understanding. “Yes,” the other man said, reading Nathaniel’s mind, “I think we have to go wake her up, see if she knew anything about this. I doubt it, given that she’s had very little contact with either of them since Bryce and Eleanor’s funeral, but if nothing else she may be able to provide some more insight.” He stood and left the room.

“Maker, I am not certain if I hope she does or _doesn’t_ know something,” Alistair frowned. “I know how close she and Anora are, and if this is the first she is hearing about it, I am not sure I want to be in the room when she starts throwing plates.”

At that moment, Cullen came back down stairs, carrying an unconscious Thea in his arms and nearly as pale as she was. Cullen looked in his direction, but Nathaniel was already pulling out his phone and punching in a familiar number.

“Call Anders. Tell him to meet us at St. Andraste’s.”

 


	34. How Darest You, Child

_Then the angel asked her what her name was,_   
_She said, "I have none."_   
_Then he asked, "How can this be?"_   
_"My father never gave me one."_

 

-“Abraham’s Daughter” by Arcade Fire

 

* * *

 

 

The next hour passed in a blur of a car ride in the snow, and the bright lights of the hospital, and too many doctors and nurses. Anders was already at St. Andraste’s by the time they arrived, scrubbed up and ready to take Thea. Cullen followed him into the room, while Cat, Nathaniel, and Alistair sat in uneasy impatience in the waiting room. At some point, Dorian and Iron Bull showed up, as did Thom and Sera and Dagna. Cataline couldn’t remember if she had texted them, or if Nathaniel had, or if they had just somehow known that Thea was in trouble. No one said anything: no one tried to break the cold silence that permeated the atmosphere.

It was nearly one in the morning when another visitor arrived, a hood pulled up around their head and a scarf wrapped around their face. Once they were safely in the waiting room, the stranger removed the wrappings to reveal Queen Anora herself, looking pale and worried. Cataline stared, confused for a moment.

“Anora… how did you… I didn’t…”

“I did,” Cullen spoke up behind them, stepping out of Thea’s hospital room, his voice tired and his face haggard. “I texted her. Thea would want her here and… and she will want to speak with her when she wakes up.”

No one gave voice to the possibility that Thea might _not_ wake up.

Anora took a seat on Cataline’s other side, reaching a shaking hand out to her that Cat accepted gratefully. Cullen went to the water cooler and poured himself a drink, then looked back in their direction. “Did you tell him?”

The queen nodded slowly. “Yes. He wanted to come, but-”

“He thinks he has already made her a target,” Nathaniel finished grimly. “What in the void has your father gotten into, Anora?”

She just looked at the floor, and Cataline gave the other woman’s hand a comforting squeeze. Whatever else was going on, Anora was Thea’s friend, and she had risked a lot to be here. On her other side, Nathaniel wrapped an arm around Cat’s shoulders.

“How are you holding up, love?” He asked quietly

“Me?” She managed a weak laugh. “I’m not the one who may be dying in there.”

He pressed a kiss against her forehead. “You know what I meant.”

Cat sighed. “I am worried about her, Nate. Of course I am. Thea isn’t supposed to be vulnerable: she has always been the strong one. To see her like this… I just… I just can’t… Not again.”

 

* * *

 

 

_13 Kingsway, 9:31 Dragon_

_Cat hated hospitals._

_She knew that, in theory, they were supposed to be good places. Hospitals were where you were brought to be healed: to cure ills and mend wounds. They were also, however, places of death: for every life that came into the world at St. Andraste’s another one left it, and Cat had difficulty reconciling the two competing paradigms._

_Ravenna_ _had called her as soon as she had gotten Thea to the hospital. It was a small miracle in and of itself that the other woman had made the last minute decision to try and drop off some books at Thea’s campus apartment that morning, otherwise Maker only knew how long it would have been before someone had found her. Possibly_ too _long. Cataline shuddered at the thought._

_Her parents had been on the first flight over from Highever, and as Cat approached she saw them deep in conference with Thea’s father, Padraig, and her doctor, Wynne. Eleanor looked up as her daughter approached, and Cat could see lines of worry at her eyes that were not there under normal circumstances. She embraced her mother tightly, then stepped back and looked to Wynne._

_“Cataline,” the doctor smiled kindly. “She will be alright. But I am trying to piece together what has happened.”_

_Padraig put a hand on her shoulder, and the pain in his eyes nearly broke Cat’s heart. “Catkin, you know her better than anyone else. Do ye know why she’s stopped eating?”_

_“What?” Cataline whispered. She thought Thea had been looking thinner, but she had not realized…_ Maker take me, I should have. _“No, Padraig, I swear… she’s been a bit withdrawn lately. Just the past…”_

_The past few months. Ever since Nathaniel left._

_Cat rubbed her forehead, trying to ward off the headache that was creeping in. “How bad, Dr. Wynne?”_

_Wynne consulted her chart. “Since I last saw her three months ago, she has dropped nearly a quarter of her body weight. The last time she came in for a check up, she was at a perfectly healthy weight, and strong as a horse. This is a dramatic change, and I can find no other medical reason for it other than a lack of food consumption.” She turned her attention to Bryce, Eleanor, and Padraig. “I would like to keep her here for a few nights, try to see if we can pinpoint what has triggered this. If nothing else, we need to get her eating again, and I would prefer to be able to keep an eye on her.”_

_“Of course,” Bryce agreed, then looked to his daughter. “Catkin, why don’t you go see if she has woken back up? If she is going to talk to anyone, it will be you.”_

_Cat nodded mutely, her entire body numb. She quietly pushed open the door to Thea’s room, where sunshine was streaming in and throwing sharp contrast against the pale figure lying in the hospital bed, deep shadows under eyes that were dull and listless as she gazed outside at some point in the distance, seemingly not hearing the words the Martín was reading to her from her favorite book. When Cat entered the room, Thea’s father gave her a small tired smile, then stood and moved towards the exit. He gave her a brief hug before stepping into the hall and closing the door behind him, leaving Cataline alone with her cousin._

_Thea did not say anything as Cat approached, nor did she turn to face her when Cataline carefully took one of Thea’s gauze wrapped hands in hers, trying not to shiver as the warmth of her skin met the chill of Thea’s. Seeing her laying there, the hospital gown accenting the ribs that were now prominently pressed against skin, nearly brought Cat to tears. Thea was the strong one between the two of them: she had_ always _been the strong one, the fighter, the guardian. Now…_

How? How did I not see this?

_“Teddy girl…”_

_“Did you know, Cataline?”_

_Cat frowned slightly. “Know what, Thea?”_

_“I have been trying for three months to track down my best friend. One of the only people who I thought I could trust; that I thought I could tell everything to and not worry about appearing weak, or burdening with my problems. I have not heard a single word from Nathaniel since the graduation parties. And I know you: I know damn well how you felt about him, even if you were both too damned stubborn to admit it. So I am going to ask again:_ did you fucking know?”

_“No,” Cat whispered, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair away from Thea’s eyes. “I did not know he was leaving.”_

_“But you knew he left.”_

_“Yes.”_

_Thea did not say anything for a long time, staring out the window at something that Cataline could not see, and perhaps did not want to._

_“I am sorry, Catkin.”_

_“Oh Thea,” Cataline leaned down and wrapped her arms around her cousin. “What in Thedas are you sorry for? I’m sorry that I didn’t know you were hurting, I… How did this happen?”_

_“I am sorry that he left. I know it was my fault.”_

_“Thea, no,” Cat reassured her. “The only fault was his father’s, and maybe that awful brother of his. He had to leave, to get away from them and their poison. I think we can both agree he deserved better.”_

_Thea slowly nodded her head, the gesture taking more effort than it should have. “I didn’t do enough to stop him. To help him. It’s my fault. I should have known that he would leave too.”_

_Cat exhaled deeply. “It was never your fault, Theadosia. Not Nathaniel, not your parents… none of it was your fault.”_

_The younger woman blinked away a few tears, and Cat gently wiped them away with her thumb. “Thea,_ how _did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_Thea shook her head. “How could I? This is my shame to bear, not yours. I didn’t want you to worry. I’m supposed to be the one who worries about_ you _, remember?” For the first time she Cat had entered the room, Thea turned to face her and managed a weak smile. “I promised I would always take care of you, Catkin, and I failed. I couldn’t stop him from leaving. Didn’t even know he was planning on it.”  
_

_“As for this,” she gestured down towards the rest of her body. “Ah. Well, I guess I just got tired of Tommy Howe referring to me as ‘the fat chick.’ It does start to wear on one, after a while.”_

_“Theadosia Livia Trevelyan, you have_ never _been fat!” Cat felt her blood rising. Because_ of course _it had been Thomas._

_“Maybe,” Thea shrugged. “Wynne says that it is something in my brain, rather than my body. That I don’t see myself quite right. Some nonsense about associating my size with how people feel about me. I don’t know. I’m not sure it matters.”_

_“It absolutely matters,” Cataline growled. “And I am going to kill Tommy myself for what he said to you.”_

_Thea made a noise that might have been a laugh. “I wouldn’t waste your energy. Not worth it.”_

_Cat ran her fingers over Thea’s wrist. “Want to tell me about your hands?”_

_“Oh, that…” Thea smiled sheepishly. “You know my temper… I think today was the first time I finally realized that Nate wasn’t coming back. I may have thrown some plates. Then I tried to clean them up, but I was so tired and I wasn’t really paying attention, and… well.” She held up her bandaged hands. “I cut myself up pretty badly on the shards. Poor Ven. She must have gotten quite a fright when she came in and found me passed out and bloody.”_

_“Of that, I have no doubt,” Cat replied drily, saying a silent prayer of thanks to the Maker that it was Ven who had found Thea: if anyone would have been able to keep her calm in that situation, it was her._

_“I will be ok, Catkin.”_

_“I know you will, Teddy girl,” Cat whispered, feeling hot tears spring up in her eyes. “We’ll always have each other, you know that right? I will_ always _be there for you.”_

_Thea nodded, her eyelashes fluttering sleepily. “I’m going to get better, Cataline. I promise. I will always be there for you, too.”_

_“I know.” Cat stood, pressing a kiss against Thea’s forehead as her cousin drifted off to sleep, the steady sound of her breathing and the quiet whirrs and beeps of the machinery in the hospital room the only sounds. She paused at the door, looking back at the wraith of Thea that lay peacefully in the bed._

_“We’ll get through this. Together.”_

* * *

 

 

“We’ve always had each other,” Cataline whispered, leaning against Nathaniel’s embrace. “No matter what. She always promised to protect me, but I don’t think she ever realized that I wanted to protect her, too. Thea has always been the fighter: no matter how much she was battling herself internally, she was always the one to come to my defense first. I suppose I’ve gotten used to seeing her as indestructible.”

“You do not give yourself enough credit, Cat,” Anora spoke up on her other side, her normally confident voice weary. “Thea has always spoken highly of you and your quiet strength. She told me once that had it not been for you, she probably would have never found a reason to keep trying after that first incident.”

“You… She told you about that?”

Anora gave her a sad smile and a quiet nod. “Cataline, the reason she kept fighting was because _you_ believed she could. I think that she drew more from your courage than you realize. You also gave her the faith she needed to believe that maybe she could trust again; that she could _love_ and be loved in return.” Anora gave her hand a comforting squeeze that mirrored the one Cataline had offered her earlier. “She will pull through this, Cat, I know it. I have already lost my husband: I do not intend to lose my friend as well.”

The imperious nature of Anora’s tone in her last statement made Cat laugh a little, as if the queen would simply demand that whatever poison coursed through Thea’s veins take its leave. “Oh Nora… I’m glad you are here.”

And then, there was nothing to do but wait.


	35. Nothing in This World

_Hey, brother, do you still believe in one another?_   
_Hey, sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?_   
_Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you,_   
_There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do._

 

-“Hey Brother” by Avicii

 

* * *

 

 

The night seemed to progress slowly, each minute ticking by with agonizing precision that proved that time really was passing, even though it felt as though it stood still in the waiting room of St. Andraste’s Hospital. At first light, Cullen gave Nathaniel a list of things to bring from home for when Thea woke up, and he went and retrieved them dutifully, hopeful that the request was made with the understanding that Thea _would_ be waking up. When he returned, Anders was just coming out of her room, looking exhausted but relieved.

“She’ll pull through,” he managed a tired smile. “And, even though I will kill the person who tells her this, for once her horrible eating habits may have saved her life. As it was, there was still an extremely high level of toxins in her body. If she had ingested much more, she would not have made it. As it stands, she is exhausted and dehydrated and will probably be more than a little cranky when she wakes up, but she’ll make it.”

“She’ll be alright?” Cataline’s voice beside him was barely above a whisper, and he could feel her body shaking as she clung to his arm. “She is going to be ok?”

Anders nodded. “Yes. She will need to stay here for a few days so that we can replace her fluids and monitor her, but she should suffer no long term problems. That being said,” he glanced at Cullen, “I would highly recommend having someone here with her at all times. I do not want whoever tried this having a second chance at it.”

“I agree,” Cullen confirmed. “We will work something out. Can I see her?”

“Yes,” Anders replied, “Go ahead in. She’s still asleep, so the rest of you should probably wait until she is awake, and then maybe go in small groups so she does not get overwhelmed.” He made a few more marks on his chart and then moved off down the hall to see to another patient while Cullen slipped into Thea’s room. Nathaniel and Cat sat back down besides Anora, who was typing a text into her phone with shaking hands, although she looked more like her usual collected self than she had moments ago. Dorian was dozing fitfully in another chair, his head leaning up against Bull, and Sera was listlessly doodling in her notebook while Dagna kept a loving arm wrapped around her shoulders. Thom was staring at the TV, watching a football game without really watching it, while Alistair was mindlessly worrying at a well-worn rune stone. Nathaniel could swear that a pall had lifted from the room when Anders made his announcement, but he also knew that no one would really feel truly relieved until they had had a chance to see their friend.

After another hour or so, Cullen poked his head out of the room and looked towards him and Cat. “Ok,” he murmured quietly, “she’s awake, but incredibly weak, so only a couple of you at a time.”

The others all looked towards him and Cataline. “Go on, guys,” Bull mumbled sleepily. “The rest of us can take our turn, but you should see her first.”

“Thank you, Bull,” Cat flashed him a grateful smile, then took Nathaniel by the hand as they entered.

 As far as hospital rooms went, it wasn’t bad, Nathaniel reflected. The walls were painted a neutral ivory that picked up the pale winter sunlight that was beginning to wash over the world outside, and there was a large bouquet of bright sunflowers on the bedside table that must have arrived while he was running back to the house, and they made the whole room seem a little cheerier. Thea was lying back against the bed, her face haggard but her eyes bright and, Nathaniel noted, not a little tempestuous.

“I’m going to kill your father,” she rasped, the declaration scratchy and faint but surprisingly calm.

“Yes,” Nathaniel sighed as he came and sat by her side, taking her right hand in his. “Get in line. I take it you came to the same conclusion I did?’

“What, that he is trying to kill me too? Oh yeah.” She nodded weakly. “I have no doubt he intends to try and go after you and Cat as well, eventually, but Cat at least treated him with some measure of kindness, so maybe he is saving her for last.”

“Whereas you went out of your way to antagonize him,” Cat rolled her eyes, but he could tell she wasn’t really angry.

“You’re damn right I did,” Thea grumbled. “And I regret none of it. That man is a monster, and I fully intend to go on a monster hunt as soon as I am out of here.”

“You think that is a good idea?” Nathaniel asked. “What if he ramps up his efforts?”

Thea shook her head. “Your father is a coward, Nate. Poisoning me was a sloppy effort: I suspect that Zevran was able to get through to his contacts and blacklist Rendon so that it will be far more difficult for him to hire someone who is actually competent enough to do his dirty work for him. I am not exactly thrilled at the idea of having to personally prepare _all_ of my own food until we catch the bastard, but it is what it is. I will be working from home anyways, at least in the short term.”

“You will not be working at all, for the next few days,” Cullen corrected drily. “Doctor’s orders.”

Thea gave a tiny chuckle. “Yes, I suppose this is one time I will actually have to listen to Anders, isn’t it? Which will amuse him to no end, I am sure.”

“Undoubtedly. Here,” Nathaniel reached into the bag of things he had collected from the house. “I smuggled in a visitor.”

“Teddy,” Thea voice cracked slightly as she accepted her old friend, hugging the bear close and somehow managing to look even more fragile. “Thank you, Nate.

Nathaniel smiled, lifting up her hand and brushing a kiss against the back of it, then pointed to the gauze wrapped around her forearm. “You want to tell me what _that_ is all about? You haven’t been throwing more dishes, have you?”

“Oh, what the void,” her lips curved up in a small grin. “Sure. You might as well see it.” She reached her free hand over and carefully removed the dressing. When she was finished, she twisted her arm so that he could see the brilliantly colored new tattoo that graced the underside of her forearm. “Went and saw Sera, and its finally stopped peeling, so it looks pretty damn good if I do say so myself.”

Nathaniel found himself at a loss for words, and Cullen laughed quietly. “I told you to give it time,” the other man reminded him.

There on Thea’s arm, in colors that still looked fresh from the bottle, was a pair of crossed arrows, painstakingly rendered in minute detail. Binding the arrows together was an extensive network of vines and exquisitely drawn wildflowers that looked much like the ones from Cat’s ring and his bow. He felt a tear roll down his cheek as he looked down at his best friend, who was gracing him with one of her rare, genuine smiles.

“Thea, I…”

“Do you like it?” She asked, her tone somewhere between hopeful and challenging. “I’ve had it sketched out for months, although obviously the final product is Sera’s. I have no artistic talent to speak of, so she should really get full credit, but-”

“It’s beautiful,” he murmured, squeezing her hand in his and leaning down to brush a kiss against her cheek.

“It’s a beginning,” she agreed. “They all are… every piece of ink is either an ending, or a beginning. This one is, undeniably, a beginning.”

He nodded, slipping an arm around Cat’s waist as she came to stand beside him and examine the tattoo for herself. His fiancée wrapped her cousin in an enthusiastic embrace without saying anything, but Nathaniel could see a thousand words pass between them in the look they exchanged as Cataline stepped back. “I suppose we will have to stay together, now,” Cat teased, “as that one would be an absolute nightmare to try and remove or cover up.”

“You’re damn right,” Thea raised her head and managed her best imperious pose. “That, and Sera really outdid herself this time.” She leaned back against the pillows, her energy flagging. “Who all is out there? I should probably try and make an appearance or something so they know I was only mostly dead.”

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. “Mostly dead?”

Thea shrugged. “There is a big difference between ‘mostly dead,’ and ‘all dead.’ Mostly dead is, as it turns out, still slightly alive.”

“Dorian and Bull are here, of course,” Cataline interjected. “Thom came over with Sera and Dagna, and Alistair is here as well.”

“And Anora showed up around 1:00 in the morning,” Cullen finished. “She has been here ever since.”

“Ah. I see,” Thea sighed. “She shouldn’t have: I don’t even want to know how she managed to sneak out of the palace without anyone realizing it, and if Rendon finds out… she is practically painting a target on her back.” Thea glanced over at the flowers at her side then closed her eyes briefly before continuing. “I should speak with her next, if she is still here.”

Cullen nodded and moved to the door, and Cat and Nathaniel made as though to leave as well, but Thea stopped them, refusing to let go of his hand.

“No, stay. One more person is not going to make a difference to my health, and it will keep me from saying something I will regret later.”

Nathaniel frowned slightly, but sat back down, and Cat took up a spot behind him where she was able to place a comforting hand on both his and Thea’s shoulders. When the queen entered, she strode purposefully to the other side of the bed and took Thea’s free hand in her own, bending down to press a firm kiss against her friend’s forehead.

“Andraste save us, you’re alright!” She exclaimed, relief coloring her tone.

“I will be,” Thea gave a wry half smile. “But are you fucking insane? You shouldn’t have risked coming here, Anora. I think you know as well as I do that you are in danger as well, and this just creates more of a link between us.”

“Let them try and come after me,” Anora replied, her chin lifted in defiance. “I am no simpering maiden in a tower to be coddled and protected from the world. I have been ruling this country for the past five years, and damned if I will let some upstart try and take that from me.”

Thea sighed. “I know you are capable, Anora. Maker knows, you are capable. That is not my concern. Rendon Howe does not play fair, and whatever schemes he has set in motion, he intends to see them through. Do you think I am so weak that I _allowed_ this to happen?”

“I- no.” Anora shook her head. “No, I do not. Are you certain it was Howe?”

“Unless you are suggesting it was your father.” Nathaniel looked at her intently. He knew he was probably overstepping his bounds, but his best friend had nearly died and he’d had very little sleep, so his judgement was possibly not at its best. “What in the void was he thinking, striking a bargain with _my_ father? That is, quite literally, the stupidest thing he could have done. Why don’t you ask him if whatever deal he made was worth Thea’s life? Because that is what it has come down to.”

“My father would _never_ hurt Thea,” Anora shot back, color rising in her cheeks. “I assure you that whatever else he may be involved in, he did not do this. He-”

“I know, Anora,” Thea interrupted quietly, giving Nathaniel’s hand a brief squeeze of warning. “For one thing, your father is smart enough not to risk poison: he knows me well enough that he would understand there is no guarantee I would ingest enough of whatever was tainted to actually kill me.”

Anora took a deep breath, seemingly assuaged by Thea’s reassurance. “He has been worried sick about you ever since Cullen texted us last night. Every hour, like clockwork, he has been texting me wanting to know if you were awake… if you were alive. I… I was not certain what I should tell him.”

Thea shot a brief, grateful glance at her husband, and Nathaniel could see some unspoken understanding shared there. His friend gave a long, slow breath, then replied to Anora. “You may tell him that I am going to be alright, and… just tell him I’ll be alright.”

Her friend released the breath she had been holding before reaching into her bag for her phone and typing a brief text, then stood and brushed another quick kiss to Thea’s forehead. “I have to go: honestly, I am amazed no one has tried to track me down yet. Please, feel better soon, Thea. I will come visit again as soon as I can.” The queen looked to Cullen, her official mask slipping back over her face with practiced precision and her tone regaining its commanding quality. “You will keep me informed?” He nodded, which seemed to satisfy her, and she departed the room.

Thea’s head rolled back against the pillow, and Nathaniel could tell she was not going to be able to stay awake much longer. “Thea, why don’t you get some sleep?” He stood and slipped his hand into Cataline’s. “The others will understand.”

She managed a small nod, but her eyelids were already fluttering shut. Cullen came over and gave Cat a warm hug, and placed a grateful hand on Nathaniel’s shoulder. “Thank you, both of you,” he kept his voice low. “I fear that this is not going to be the worse of it, so please stay safe. I will let you know if anything changes.”

“Maker watch over you both, Cull,” Cat murmured.

He sighed, glancing over at the bed where his wife lay sleeping, looking peaceful for the first time in ages.

“Maker watch over us all, Catkin.”

 

 


	36. Meet Me Down the River Road

_Well, look way down the river_   
_And what do you think I see_   
_I see a band of angels_   
_And they're coming after me._

 

-“Ain’t No Grave” by Johnny Cash

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you believe her?” Cat looked to her fiancé. _My fiancé_. Maker, the word was still new and bright in her mind, even through the darkness of recent events. “When she says Loghain had nothing to do with this?” Nathaniel laced his fingers with hers as they left St. Andraste’s and stepped out into the cold light of morning. He did not respond at first, and she could tell he was considering his answer carefully.

“Yes.” He finally replied, turning the key in the ignition and starting the car to warm up. “I do not think he poisoned Thea. I know we have no particular reason to trust him, since all the evidence points to him being involved with a lot of other unpleasant business, including my father, but… I saw the way he looked at her, Cat. In this case, I will take Anora and Thea at their word.”

Cat bit her lower lip thoughtfully. “Why Thea, though? Why not me, or you, or Alistair? We are just as involved with the investigation. Yet Thea seems to be the most concerned about Anora being the next target.” She smacked her forehead with her palm, and Nathaniel glanced at her with concern. “Oh for… of course.”

“‘Of course’ what, Wildflower?”

“Thea said that Loghain Mac Tir does not have friends, and I think that is mostly true; not since Maric died, anyways. However, to paraphrase my dear cousin, ‘mostly true’ does not equal ‘all true.’ There are, I think, exactly two people he still cares about. I think there are exactly two people who would stand a chance at talking him out of whatever harebrained schemes he’s put into motion.”

“And let me guess,” Nathaniel groaned, “one of them is lying in a hospital bed, and one of them is the damn queen of Ferelden.”

Cat gave a small laugh. “Good guess,” she retorted. “I suspect that your father is not willing to stake whatever his plans are on Loghain’s hatred of Orlais and his distrust of the grey wardens, and he wants to make damn sure no one else gets to Loghain to change his mind.”

“Because _of course_ he does.”

She placed a comforting hand on his knee. “We will find him, love. I promise. He will not get away with any of this: not murdering my parents, not trying to abduct me, not trying to kill Thea… none of it.” Even as she spoke the words, however, worry clouded her mind. As much as she would have liked to have blamed the nagging feeling in her heart on the lack of sleep and the stress of almost losing Thea, Cataline could not help but think that whatever was going to happen, it was going to happen soon.

By the time they got back to the Loft, they were too exhausted to do anything more than strip out of the clothes they had worn to the hospital, tossing them straight into the washing machine to try and rid them of the smells of antiseptics and sterile air that they had picked up during the night. Then, they crawled into bed and slept until the afternoon sun had risen and already begun its early descent into the winter sky. When she finally shook the last cobwebs of the fade from her mind, Cataline glanced at her phone.

There were three new text messages: one was from Cullen, letting her know that Thea was continuing to improve. The next was from Ravenna, asking after Thea’s health. The third was, to her surprise, from Anders, who suggested that she and Nathaniel come back to the hospital to have a chat with the resident toxicologist. She might, he ventured, have answers.

 

* * *

 

When they arrived back at the hospital that evening, they looked in briefly on Thea, who was being watched over by Iron Bull. He gave them a nod when they entered, then held a finger to his lips to indicate that Thea was sleeping. Cat gave him a grateful smile, then slipped back out and went in search of Anders. She found her old friend poking at an unappealing piece of pizza in the cafeteria, his eyes heavy with exhaustion but his smile still kind.

“When do you get to go home?” She asked, sliding onto the bench opposite him.

“Not for a few more hours,” he sighed. “One of our other doctors got called away to cover for an ER doc, so we’re short staffed. But hey, I didn’t call you here just to whine about the plight of overworked medical professionals.” Anders stood and tossed his plate in the trash. “Let’s go have a chat with Beth, shall we?”

“Who’s Beth?” Nathaniel asked as they followed their friend down the hall towards the hospital labs.

“She is my and Thea’s first cousin once removed, on our mothers’ side,” Cat explained. “She’s Ven’s younger sister.”

“Wait,” he stopped short, “you and Ravenna are related?”

“Well, yes,” she nodded slowly, taking his hand and prompting him to continue down the corridor. “I thought you knew?”

Nathaniel sighed. “All I know is that Ven seems to have some sort of chip on her shoulder when it comes to me, and I have no idea why. I did not even know her before I left Denerim, so unless she is just that indignant on your behalf I am not certain what I did to her. And now we are going to go ask her sister for help. I should probably go back and check on Thea, let you and Anders handle this.”

“Ah,” Cat gave his hand a comforting squeeze. “It isn’t you exactly, Nate, it’s your family, but we can talk about it later. And I promise, it will be fine. Bethany is a bit more… sunny… than her sister.”

The discussion was brought to a halt as they reached the door to the lab. Anders slid his keycard through the slot by the door, and it popped open with a quiet click. Cat had never actually been to Bethany’s workspace before: she was not surprised to find it neat and utterly organized, with everything cleanly labeled and put in its proper place. Beth had always been the tidiest Hawke sibling.

“Catkin! Nate!” A pleased exclamation came from the back corner of the room where Beth had been staring intently into a microscope. She emerged from behind her desk and wrapped first Cat, and then Nathaniel in an enthusiastic hug, much to Nate’s surprise and Cat’s amusement. “Ooooo, let me see your ring!” Bethany took her left hand in her own and shifted Cat’s fingers so that the stones caught the lab lights, glittering and sparkling against the gentle warmth of the gold. “It’s beautiful,” she sighed happily. “So romantic, too! I love the wildflowers. You did good!” Bethany grinned and poked Nathaniel playfully in the ribs.

“I- thank you,” he managed, and Cat struggled to hold back her giggles.

Bethany’s brow furrowed briefly in confusion, before she sighed in exasperation and looking in Cat’s direction. “Oh for the love of Andraste, is Ven still being a pill to him?”

“I’m afraid so,” Cat shrugged. “You know how she is, Beth. She’ll come around.”

“She’d better,” her cousin growled. “If she thinks I am going to let her sit there pouting at your wedding she is gravely mistaken. Don’t worry,” she flashed a winning smile in Nathaniel’s direction, “The rest of us just adore you.”

He seemed to relax a bit at that, and Cataline brushed a brief kiss against his cheek before she followed Bethany back to the other woman’s desk. Bethany began pulling up some files on her computer, humming tunelessly to herself as she worked. “Ok, so… I do not have much, but I may have _something_. I ran the basic toxicology report on Thea’s blood samples, and the poison was a very refined wyvern venom.” Bethany raised an eyebrow in their direction. “I am sure the irony will not be lost on her.”

Cat sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “No doubt. I would say Rendon picked it for exactly that reason as an extra jab at Thea and her friendship with Loghain, but that would be giving him far too much credit.”

Bethany nodded. “Wyvern venom is a popular choice, and it is unnervingly easy to get. It is used in a lot of chemistry classes and in vermin poisons, and I have even heard of a liquor that uses a highly refined version of it. Not something I would pick for my cocktail, but, eh.” She shrugged. “It gets the job done. Thea is lucky: death by wyvern venom for humans is… not pretty. She is going to be off her feed for a while, not that we’ll be able to tell the difference. The good news is that while she did not ingest enough to kill her, we were still able to get a good sample.”

She gestured for Cat and Nathaniel to look at her computer screen, where two charts sat one on top of the other. “This top one here,” Bethany pointed with her mouse, “is the sample we pulled from Thea. This bottom one,” she indicated the other chart, “is a known sample from a recent assassination by the Antivan crows. They are identical. Both samples came from the same batch, which helps narrow our search a bit. If I were you, I would check in with Zevran, next. He has been making some discrete inquiries in his circles, trying to pinpoint those assassins who prefer poison, and seeing if anyone has been requisitioning wyvern venom.”

“I believe that is my cue.”

Zevran swaggered into the room with a broad grin. Bethany sighed in exasperation, but Cat could see she was smiling. It was difficult to be _too_ annoyed with Zev at any given time. “How did you get in here? This is supposed to be a secure area.”

The erstwhile assassin shrugged, nonchalant. “I merely persuaded the lovely nurse on duty at the front desk that I wanted to take a quick peek at the lab. You may want to have a chat with her about that, coincidentally. It was _far_ too easy for me to “borrow” her key, and I really do prefer a challenge.” He tossed a badge over to Bethany, who just rolled her eyes and scribbled a note on her notepad about reprimanding the desk nurse.

Cataline gave Zevran a warm hug, but up close she could see that he was exhausted. “What have you been up to, Zev?” She asked.

He sighed, sinking into a chair and rubbing his brow. “Someone _really_ wanted your cousin dead,” he replied, his voice grim. “Unfortunately for that person, who I think we can all agree is Rendon Howe, _I_ am a charming bastard, and I was able to convince most of the major Crow houses not to take the job: that it was not worth crossing the Cousland and Trevelyan families, not to mention the Fereldan crown. However, that still left a handful of groups desperate enough or stupid enough to take the job. In this case, you want the crew lead by one Nuncio. He’s as cruel as he is shortsighted, but he is not stupid, exactly. I can tell you that he is the one who oversaw the job, but that is not going to do you much good without proof.”

“Ideally,” Cat tapped the side of her cheek thoughtfully, “We would be able to find some record of the transaction between Nuncio and Rendon, or some other evidence linking the two. I am under no delusions about the likelihood of prosecuting a member of the crows, but Rendon… I feel like we still have a chance of taking him down if we can do it before Loghain does something really, _really_ stupid.”

“Hmm, yes, he _does_ seem to be acting rather reckless lately. Most unlike him.” Zevran noted. “I assume that is why Thea sent that letter with her locket.”

Cat froze, her eyebrows shooting up as her eyelids closed. “Theadosia did _what_?”

Zevran seemed to realize that he had said something he probably shouldn’t have. “Did I say Thea? No, no, I meant… Reya. That’s it. Reya had a letter in her _pocket_.”

“Seriously?” Nathaniel asked skeptically. “That’s what you are going with?”

Her friend shrugged in defeat. “Thea asked me to deliver a letter to Loghain, along with her locket. The locket, she said, would convince him that the letter was really from her and, ideally keep him from killing me for sneaking into the palace.”

“Or at least improve your odds,” Bethany snorted.

“Just so,” Zevran flashed her a brilliant smile.

Cataline pinched the bridge of her nose. “And what exactly was _in_ this letter?”

“I did not read it, of course.”

“What?” Cat tried to keep her voice level. “You read _everything_ , Zev. You expect me to believe you honestly did not read the letter Thea wrote?”

“I did not,” he rubbed his eyes, weariness apparently finally catching up with him. “Just as I have never poked around in your personal things. I respect you too much for that, Cataline, and I afford Theadosia that same respect.” His tone grew serious. “Cataline, you know damn well that if I thought she was doing anything that might put you in danger, I would come to you. I pray I never am forced to choose between the two of you, but if that day ever comes, you know it will always be you. Personally, I have faith that Thea would never do anything to endanger the people she loves.”

“As do I,” Nathaniel spoke up quietly, slipping his hand in hers. “Her loyalties are not as divided as I think you fear, Cat.”

“I know,” Cat admitted. “I just wish… I wish she trusted me.”

“She does,” Bethany reassured her with a gentle smile. “But you know how she is: she is trying to keep you safe. Both of you. Even if it means keeping secrets.”

Cataline was about to respond when her phone buzzed with a text notification.

_A: Hey, how is she holding up?_

_C: Sleeping, for now. Iron Bull is with her._

_A: Ok. I’m scheduled to take over at midnight, but can we meet before then? There’s someone here who wants to talk to you, but not in public._

_C: Seriously Alistair? I am not sure how much more of this cloak and dagger nonsense I can take._

_A: I would not ask if it weren’t important Catkin, you know that. I trust the source, and trust *me* when I say it will be worth your time._

 


	37. Beyond This Illusion

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion_  
 _Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion_  
 _I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high._  


-“Carry on Wayward Son” by Kansas

  

* * *

 

 

Cataline did not say much as they left the hospital for the second time. Nathaniel was used to the quiet, but this felt different: as though she were holding back words she wanted to say, but could not quite bring herself to voice. When they finally pulled into the driveway at home, she did not immediately get out of the car. Instead, she turned to him, and the pained expression in her eyes sent alarm shooting straight to his heart.

“Did you know?”

He sighed. “About the letter?” She nodded. “Yes,” he replied. “I did not know its intended recipient, although I figured it out after he returned her locket at the funeral. I think she was making one last ditch effort to try and convince him to speak with her.”

“Nathaniel, do you think… is Thea…?”

“No,” he shook his head emphatically. “Cataline, I am not saying that there was not something there, once, but,” he paused, weighing his words. “Whatever it was, she moved on, I think. I think she had to, for her own dignity and sanity. But I would stake my life on Thea’s faithfulness to Cullen. And I think Cullen understands that Thea does not want to lose her friend after she has already lost so much.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you think so, too. I was fairly certain, but… Loghain obviously still cares about her. And, on some level, she still cares too, and I just wonder if maybe she… ugh. I can’t deal with this right now.” Cat popped the car door open and slipped out, accepting his arm when he offered it to her.

“Alright, my Wildflower,” he pulled her close. “Let’s go inside, I’ll make you some cocoa, and we can meet Alistair’s mysterious source.”

“Mmm, you might slip a little something extra into the cocoa,” she grumbled, and he laughed.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next hour passed slowly. Nathaniel tried picking up the book Cullen had given him for Satinalia, but after re-reading the same passage three times over he gave up and leaned back against the sofa, staring at the fire. Cataline curled up beside him, resting her head on his chest with a disquieted sigh. Between the warmth of the fire and the steady rhythm of her breathing, he almost drifted off to sleep when a sharp knock suddenly issued from the front door. He exchanged a brief glance with Cataline, and then stood to answer it.

Alistair stepped into the house, leading a slight figure wrapped from head to toe in winter gear such that only their eyes peeked out from under their hood and over their scarf. Once the door had been safely locked and, at Alistair’s insistence, the curtains drawn, their mysterious guest began shedding layers until a dark haired elven woman eventually emerged from the wrappings.

“ _Erlina_?” Cataline asked in disbelief. “Lina, what are you doing here?”

“They took her,” Erlina sobbed, “they took Anora.”

 

* * *

 

 

Once they had calmed the poor woman down and given her a cup of herbal tea for her nerves, they all sat down around the kitchen table. Nathaniel had not recognized Anora’s assistant and trusted friend, but Cataline and Alistair both seemed willing to vouch for her. At the moment, it would have to suffice.

“Alright, Erlina,” Cataline gave her a gentle pat on the hand. “Tell us _exactly_ what happened.”

Erlina took a deep breath, beginning her narrative. “Anora left the royal residence early this morning. Her father and I were the only ones who knew where she was going.”

“To the hospital, correct?” Nathaniel asked.

She nodded. “Yes. They were so worried about Theadosia, and Anora decided it would be safer for her to go. We thought no one saw her leave, but…”

“She obviously made it to St. Andraste’s,” Alistair pointed out. “We all saw her there. Thea even spoke to her.”

“This is true,” Erlina agreed, “and the last text her father received from her was when she left the hospital this morning to return home. Except she _never made it home_.”

“Fuck.”

“Yes, I think that about sums it up,” Cataline agreed, her face buried in her hands. “Fuck.”

“Thea was afraid of something like this happening,” Nathaniel shook his head. “She is going to go back into a coma when she finds out.”

“Which is exactly why she is _not_ going to find out,” Cat replied adamantly. “Thea was already pushing herself too far, even before she was almost killed. No, we keep her out of the loop on this one. Alistair?” Her friend turned to face her. “Not. A. Word. When you take your shift tonight, you cannot tell her about any of this, you understand?”

“Of course,” Alistair nodded. “Don’t tell Thea. Got it. But why was Thea so sure that something was going to happen to Anora? Does she know something we don’t?”

“Is it not obvious?” Erlina blinked at him. Alistair shook his head.

“In your defense, Cat and I only thought of it this morning,” Nathaniel gave a long exhale and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Loghain obviously entered into some sort of arrangement with my father to wrest control away from Cailan, who according to the documents you brought us was looking to leave Anora and essentially hand Ferelden back to Orlais. For all that my father is an ass, he is an ass who is well versed in politics, so I could see him being useful. I doubt Loghain counted on my father being quite so… unscrupulous, in his means to achieving an end, though.”

“He was beginning to doubt,” Erlina confirmed. “Howe was going too far, but it was too late to turn back, and Loghain would do anything to protect Ferelden from the Orlesians. More to the point, he would do anything to protect his daughter.”

“But that does not mean that Anora did not try to convince her father to change course, I am guessing?” Cataline asked.

Erlina shook her head. “She tried. She pleaded with him to talk to her, to tell her what was going on, but he refused. Then, when the letter arrived from Theadosia, Anora thought that perhaps _two_ voices of reason would reach him where one did not, but still her father refused to listen.”

“Erlina, did you see what was in that letter?” Cat pressed her. “What Thea might have said?”

The woman shook her head. “No, I am sorry. Loghain read it, and Anora knew it was from Theadosia because she sent her locket along with the messenger, but he always kept it close to him after that. I do not believe even Anora ever saw its contents.”

“So who knows if someone may have stolen it,” Nathaniel rubbed his forehead. “I would be willing to bet that Cat’s theory is correct: my father is afraid that either Anora or Thea would be able to convince Loghain to cut ties, and so they had to be gotten rid of or, failing that, used as leverage.”

“You believe Anora will be kept alive?” Erlina looked at him hopefully.

“Her father was willing to risk war with Orlais to protect her,” Cataline commented drily. “He would probably kill Rendon himself if anything actually happened to her. That, and after Rendon completely bungled trying to kill Thea, I doubt he is going to try the same tact twice. No, he will keep her locked away somewhere. Maybe he’ll tell Loghain he has her, maybe he’ll try to convince him she ran off in anger. Who knows?”

“And maybe we can stop pretending that Loghain is an injured party here?” Alistair interjected angrily. “That man is responsible, indirectly or otherwise, for the death of my half-brother and the death of the man who was basically like a father to me. And who knows what other horrible things he’s done in the name of keeping Ferelden ‘safe.’ I know you intend to go after Howe, and that’s great, but I am just as inclined to put a bullet in Loghain’s head as well.”

“Alistair, I am not saying that he has done nothing wrong. We all know he has,” Cataline tried to soothe her friend.

“Good intentions or otherwise, he’s made some piss poor choices,” Nathaniel agreed, “but I do not think it is so black and white as you are making it.”

“Coming from the man whose father has now tried to kill two of my friends, you’ll forgive me if your words do not carry a whole lot of weight right about now,” Alistair glared at him.

“Alistair, I know you are angry…”

“Then let’s stop sitting here talking and actually _do_ something about it!”

The room fell silent. Erlina was staring at them wide-eyed, sitting so still it was almost as though she had hoped they had forgotten her. Finally, Cat spoke up, her voice calm but with an edge that Nathaniel had never heard before. “Alistair, I think it would be best if you did _not_ take a shift watching over Thea tonight.”

Her friend sighed. “Cat, I’m sorry. I am not sorry about what I said or how I feel, but I am sorry for how I said it. You know I would never antagonize Thea unnecessarily, and I know she and him were… close.”

Cataline shook her head sadly. “I’m not willing to take that risk, Alistair. You are one of my best friends. And for the record? I don’t disagree with you, not entirely. No matter what else, Loghain Mac Tir has harbored the man who killed my parents. You honestly think I am not angry? That I do not want to see justice for them? But I have to do what I can for the living, and that includes Thea. I hate what this is doing to you, but I cannot let your anger, justified or not, put her at any more risk.”

“I...” Alistair took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. I want to see Loghain pay for what he did, but I don’t want to upset Thea when she’s like this.” He stood and grabbed his coat. “Can Erlina stay here for a bit? I need to go take a walk and clear my head.”

“Of course,” Cat nodded.

Nathaniel slipped his hand into hers as Alistair walked outside. “I will take the late shift with Thea,” he volunteered. “I doubt any of us are going to get much sleep anyways.” _And I do not want Alistair to even have a chance at going anywhere near my best friend_. Justified or not, if the other man’s anger made Thea more unsteady, or worse, Nathaniel would not be very forgiving either.

“Good point,” Cat smiled weakly at him. “And since I can already tell I won’t be getting any sleep, I think I will join you.”

“First, however…” He looked back at Erlina. “You said ‘they’ took her. Are you certain it was my father?”

“I am positive,” the young woman nodded vigorously. “Before they took her phone, Anora was able to send me one message. She told me to get help, and send them to the Vigil?”

“Yes, that sounds about right.” Nathaniel sighed heavily, and Cat looked at him with one eyebrow raised. He shrugged. “The family estate in Amaranthine. Ages and ages and ages ago, it was known as Vigil’s Keep. No idea why, but I bet Thea could tell us.”

“Oh, that reminds me…” Cat pulled her phone out of her pocket. “I should text Ven and let her know there’s been a change of plans and we will be relieving her instead of Alistair.”

“I’m sure she’ll be thrilled,” he rolled his eyes.

“Please, Cataline,” Erlina looked at them, pleading. “What are you going to do about Queen Anora? We have to save her.”

“And we will, Erlina,” Cataline patted her hand. “But we need a plan. And honestly, I am still a bit confused as to why you came to Alistair instead of to the police?”

“Anora sent me after you, but I had no idea how to find you,” Erlina admitted. “I went to your old apartment, but they said you had moved. I knew that Alistair was your friend, so I went to him. Anora was very specific that I was to find you or Thea.”

“I am not going to try and puzzle out her reasoning,” Nathaniel interjected. “If Thea is awake when we get there, we can see if she can figure it out. Otherwise, we will go to Cassandra in the morning and go from there.”

“Alright,” Erlina nodded. “If you think that is best…”

“We do,” Cat replied firmly. She looked at her watch, then at him. “Erlina, you stay here until we get back. Keep the doors locked.”

The woman nodded mutely as Nathaniel and Cataline slipped back out into the night, ready to return to St. Andraste’s once again.

 


	38. Faith in Nothing

_I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds_  
_But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside_  
_Swallow my doubt turn it inside out_  
_Find nothing but faith in nothing._

 

-“Inside Out” by Eve 6

 

* * *

 

  

As much as Cataline hated hospitals during the day, somehow they were even worse in the late hours of the night, when most visitors had long since come and gone and each life or death crisis seemed to scream out all the more frantically in the stillness. Their every footstep echoed off the tile floors until they reached the carpeted area of the waiting room. Normally, visitors were not allowed in so late, but Anders had made arrangements so that Thea would not be left alone.

When they arrived, Ravenna was just slipping out of Thea’s room, holding a finger up to her lips when she saw them. “She is asleep, finally,” she advised them. “It has not been an easy day. Anders was not kidding when he said she was going to have a rough time of it, but I am not certain she expected to react quite so violently. In the meantime,” she looked down at her hands. “I was hoping that perhaps I could talk to you. Both of you.” Her teal eyes looked towards Nathaniel.

“Ven, we should really go in to Thea,” Cat hesitated.

“Please,” Ven asked, her tone unusually demure, “I just… I need to get this off my chest.”

Cat nodded, and the three of them sat around one of the tables close to Thea’s door where they would be able to hear if she needed them. Ravenna clasped her hands together on the table before taking a deep breath and beginning to speak.

“I owe you an apology, Nathaniel.”

“Just the one?” Cat sniped before she could stop herself, and Ven grimaced slightly.

“Yes, well… I am not used to admitting when I’m wrong, so you will have to cut me a little slack here.” Ven turned her attention back to Nathaniel. “Did Cataline tell you about what happened to me?”

He shook his head, confused, and Cat spoke up. “It was not my story to tell, Ven,” she replied gently.

Ravenna took another long inhale before exhaling slowly. “About six years ago, I had just come home for my brother’s funeral. Varric had been talking to me about maybe coming to work in the bar for months, so I decided to go check it out. Not as a bartender, mind you, just as a patron. This was a while before I inherited the Amell money, so I wasn’t a co-owner yet. I figured I would at least get a feel for the place, see what the vibe was.”

“A young man with dark hair and cruel eyes came up to the bar and offered to buy me a drink. I said sure, why not? I mean, I sure as the void wasn’t going to sleep with him, but I was also mourning my brother and one more drink sounded damn good at the time. I should have known better: never take a drink from a stranger.”

Cataline placed an arm around her cousin’s shoulders. “Ven, you couldn’t have known.”

Ven looked up, and Cat could see that there were held-back tears shining in her eyes. “Maybe.” She turned her attention back to Nathaniel. “The drink I was given was drugged. I think Varric is still blaming himself to this day for not handing it straight to me, but he thought it was for the guy. The next thing I knew, I was feeling hazy and tired and I was being dragged into the back alley and my shirt was being pulled up over my chest.”

“I was lucky,” she whispered. “Thea’s dads? They were there that night, and they saw me leaving and thought I didn’t look quite right. They followed me, and when they saw what was happening, they just about beat the shit out of the guy.”

Cat looked to Nathaniel, and she could see that his eyes were squeezed tight and he was trying to take a deep breath. She knew, even before Ven continued, that _he_ knew.

“The man that drugged me? Was your brother.”

“Ravenna, I’m… I’m so sorry…” Nathaniel whispered, but Ven just shook her head.

“No,” she tentatively placed her hand over his. “It wasn’t your fault. I- I know that. I have always known that.”

“What happened?”

Cat took up the narrative, the events of that agonizing month playing out again in her mind as she recited them. “We did what we could. We lawyered up. Thea was furious: I think she would have killed Thomas if we hadn’t stopped her. We had evidence on our side, and witnesses, and your brother’s own incredibly checkered past. But your father was ready.”

“Of course he was,” Nathaniel growled. “I doubt Ravenna was the first woman to suffer under my brother’s assaults.”

“But at least _I_ was able to fight back,” Ven pointed out. “And I had family that was willing to go to court for me. I doubt that many of his other victims were so lucky: he just picked poorly when he picked me. I think it was only because Bryce and Eleanor got involved that we went to trial at all. As it was, my entire past was trotted out for the world to see and, let me tell you: as a bounty hunter, I had quite the past.”

“It was ugly,” Cat shook her head slowly. “They tried to paint Ven as a whore and an opportunist who came on to Thomas, not the other way around. Uncle Padraig, Uncle Martín, and Varric all spoke up on her behalf, told their side of the story, but…”

“Your brother got off with a warning. Community service and probation, which I’m sure he promptly ignored.” Ven finished. “But he also got blacklisted from just about every bar in Denerim except for the really shitty holes that didn’t much care who you were or what you did so long as you had the money to pay for your excesses.”

They sat in silence for a while, then Ven picked up her story again. “I blamed your entire family, Nathaniel. It was not fair, and it was not right, but I did. And that is why…” She swallowed hard, and turned away from Cat’s eyes. “That is why I leaked the story about Rendon and the embezzlement.”

Cat felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. “ _What?_ ” She whispered, still not trusting what she was hearing. “Ravenna… _you_ were the leak?”

The other woman nodded miserably. “Yes. I so badly wanted to hurt the Howe family, _your_ family,” she glanced at Nathaniel, “that I lost sight of things. I made a mistake. I regretted it as soon as it happened, but of course by then it was too late. I couldn’t take it back. That’s why nothing that has happened since has gotten out to the press: I was never going to make that same mistake again.”

Cataline sat back, stunned. On the one hand, she was relieved to know that the leak, such as it was, had been stopped. On the other hand, she felt a deep, heartbreaking sense of betrayal. “Ven, I-”

“You know,” Nathaniel interrupted, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I really ought to be thanking you, Ravenna Hawke.” She looked up him, frowning in confusion. “Your intentions may have been less than honorable, but if you had not leaked the story, I may not have heard about it, or even if I had, I would not have known the circumstances that made me angry enough to come back to Denerim. And if I had not come back to Denerim, I would never have been reunited with Cataline. You were selfish, but your selfishness has given me my entire world.”

Ven stared at him, mouth slightly agape, before she finally found her voice again. “I was wrong about you, Nate. And I am truly sorry.” He stood and held his arms out, and Ven walked around the table and embraced him warmly. “You deserved better, Nate,” she whispered. “I am so, so sorry. And I’m glad you came home. I just hope you can forgive me.”

“Of course, Ven,” he held her out at arms length so he could look her in the eye. “I know better than most how very, _very_ trying my family is. _Was_. I guess it is just me and Delilah now.”

“I felt awful about hurting Delilah,” Ravenna admitted. “She is a sweet person; kind almost to a fault. She reminds me a little bit of my sister, actually.”

Cataline struggled to keep her voice calm. “Does anyone else know?”

Ravenna shook her head. “No. Not even Anders. It has been killing me, keeping this secret… but I figured it was a suitable punishment for fucking up so badly in the first place. Wait, I take it back: Thea knows, now, but I only just told her tonight. Almost losing her like that, it really put things in perspective. And I will tell Anders when I get home. I am not looking forward to having to tell him that I am responsible for doing so much damage to one of his best friends. I just hope he is as willing to forgive me as you have been, Nathaniel.” She managed a small smile.

“Why tell us now, Ravenna?” Cat asked, her tone still laced with hurt and anger.

“A few reasons,” Ven spoke carefully. “For one thing, I received a very loud, very emphatic lecture from my sister this afternoon. I won’t bore you with the details, but the takeaway was that I was being ‘a crazy shrew’ and needed to separate my feelings about Rendon and Thomas from who Nathaniel is. Second, I can see how crazy you are about each other. I would have to be blind and deaf not to realize that Nate is completely and utterly devoted to you, and Thea absolutely adores him. Third, and I am sincerely sorry for this,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “but third, I… I promised Thea I would buy her as much time as I could.”

Cataline felt a panic rising in her stomach, and when she glanced over at Nathaniel she could see his eyes grow wide as well. “Ravenna.” She kept her voice even as she stood and walked to the door leading to Thea’s room. Cat swung it open, and was not in the least bit surprised to find it empty. “Where the _FUCK_ is Thea?”

Ravenna looked up at them, her expression uncharacteristically meek.

“If I had to guess? I would say she is halfway to Amaranthine by now.”

 

 


	39. This Same Kind of Remorse

_Then I'll go out back and I'll get my gun_

_I'll say, "You haven't met me, I am the only son."_

 

-“Dust Bowl Dance” by Mumford and Sons

 

* * *

 

 

“You know, that would be easier if you used the three gauge pick instead of the four,” Nathaniel pointed out in a dry whisper.

“ _Shit shit shit son of a bitch_!” Thea jumped a solid foot in the air, dropping her lock picking tools and drawing a dagger from a sheath at her hip. “You _motherfucker_ , don’t sneak up on me like that! I’m armed to the teeth you idiots; I could have killed you!” She hissed, keeping her voice low.

“Oh, let’s not rule anything out,” Cataline whispered angrily beside him. “What are you _doing_ here, Thea?”

They had made the two hour drive to Amaranthine in ninety minutes, Cataline sitting in stony silence the entire way there. Nathaniel had given up trying to make conversation about twenty minutes in, letting Cat work through whatever rage she had stewing in her head. They had parked some distance away from the Howe Estate and approached on foot, keeping to the shadows. There were lights on in the keep, but they could not be certain if his father was in residence or not. Rendon had rarely returned to Amaranthine after he had been promoted at Seawolf and Steed, and the house had remained largely empty ever since his mother had died. They had found Thea crouched by the backdoor, still looking like death warmed over but with an almost frightening determination in her eyes as her hands deftly worked at the lock.

“I’m here to save my friend and kill my best friend’s father, not necessarily in that order,” Thea replied, and Nathaniel could hear the exhaustion in her voice. “Sorry,” she added as an afterthought, glancing in his direction.

“Only if I do not get to him first,” he shrugged. Part of him hoped that his father was not there, but he knew that if he had to, he would end him.

“You cannot possibly be thinking about going along with this?” Cataline whispered beside him in exasperation.

“Cat, we’re here. We know Anora is here. And Thea is going to wriggle out of any watch we put her under, so wouldn’t you rather keep her here with us where we can protect her?”

“I’m right here, you know,” Thea rolled her eyes. “You may stop speaking about me as though I were not. And for the record, I _did_ contact Cassandra once I got here and confirmed this wasn’t just a wild goose chase. She will be here any minute with back up, but we need to get Anora out before then. If Rendon _is_ here and he sees the police, I don’t want him panicking and doing something even stupider.”

Cat looked at him, then at Thea, then back to him. “You are both absolutely insane.”

Thea gave them her half smile. “That’s why he’s my best friend,” she winked, then dug into her pocket and pulled out the three gauge pick, but then paused before she began working at the lock again.

“Here, Cat, take this.” She reached into the knapsack at her feet and pulled out two handguns. She handed a small pistol to her cousin, and one to him. “I hope you don’t have to use them, but I’d rather you have them and not need them than not have them and need them. Don’t take the safety off until you are ready to shoot, and don’t point it at anything you don’t intend to kill, just like we practiced. Now, are you coming or not?”

Cat had gone pale beside him. He knew she didn’t like guns under the best of circumstances, and this was definitely not the best of circumstances. Nathaniel tentatively reached out a hand to Cataline and, to his relief, she took it. “I’m going to pay for this later, aren’t I?” He murmured as the lock finally gave and the back door swung open.

She gave him a small smile. “Oh, you have _no_ idea. But let’s see how the night goes.”

 

* * *

 

 

The bottom floor was completely dark, and Thea agreed to let Nathaniel lead the way. Even years later, he still knew his was around his childhood home. They crept quietly through the kitchen, pausing every time they heard the slightest noise. Slowly, they made their way upstairs, passing darkened rooms until they reached one with a light shining beneath the crack of the door. It was Delilah’s old bedroom. Nathaniel pressed his ear to the door, then turned to Cat and Thea and nodded slowly. He was almost certain that it was Anora on the other side.

Thea passed him her lock picking tools. “Do I even want to _know_ where you two learned to pick locks?” Cataline whispered in exasperation.

He smiled back at her. “Don’t look at me. I learned from a dwarf from the Legion of the Dead I met up in Nevarra. Her name was Sigrun. Remarkably perky for a dead woman…”

“Martín taught me,” Thea shrugged, keeping her voice hushed as the tumblers fell and the door swung open.

“Cataline, Nathaniel!” The queen leapt to her feet and ran over to them, but she too was keeping her voice down. “I knew you would come. Thank you, so much, I-” She froze when her eyes landed on Thea. “Thea… oh no… Thea, you can’t be here! You shouldn’t have come.”

“That’s what _I_ said,” Cataline grumbled.

“You don’t understand,” Anora explained rapidly, her eyes wide. “Rendon Howe is _here_. If he catches you, he will kill Thea. He does not need her alive. To be perfectly honest, I am not certain how long he intended to keep _me_ alive, but he definitely has no use for her.”

“Once again, I am standing right here,” Thea hissed. “Can we please stop pretending otherwise?”

Nathaniel glanced into the darkened hallway. “Alright,” he tossed his head, indicating they should follow. “Let’s get the void out of here. We got in here without my father noticing, hopefully we can get out too. Thea, stay between me and Cat. No, do _not_ argue with me. You are barely able to stand, let alone fight, and I doubt you could even if you wanted to. Anora, stay by Thea, try to keep her steady.”

They crept along the darkened hallway, and back down the stairs. As he moved to gently push open the door leading to the kitchen, the living area was suddenly flooded with light. There, standing in the center of the room with a gun trained intently on them, was his father.

“Oh Nathaniel,” the other man shook his head in mock frustration. “A disappointment to the very end.”

“Well, shit,” he heard Thea mutter behind him.

“And you brought me Theadosia? Perhaps you will not prove quite so useless after all. I see after all those years Loghain never was able to clean up that mouth of yours, was he, girl? Of course,” Rendon smirked, “I imagine he found plenty of other uses for it.”

“Oh is that how it is going to be?” Thea took a step forward, eyes sparking with rage, and Nathaniel held out his arm to stop her.

“No more,” Nathaniel whispered. “No more, father. I will not let you hurt anyone else.”

Rendon sniffed in disapproval. “As if you are so much better than me, boy. Look at you: I know you’ve been pawing at the Cousland girl. Have you actually convinced her that you care for her? How disappointed will she be when she realizes that you are after her for the exact same reasons I was after her job: the money and the power.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Cataline asked beside him. “When did you lose all traces of sanity, Rendon? You were my father’s friend, and you betrayed him _and_ my mother, for what?”

“Because I deserved _more_ ,” he snapped at her.

“You know nothing of what Cataline is to me,” Nathaniel stared at his father in disbelief, unable to recognize any trace of the man he had once been. “You cannot know, because you have never known what it is to love and be loved so completely.”

“Then perhaps I should kill you first, and allow her to watch you die? Might be an education for me.” His father trained the gun at his head, but Thea stepped forward and slightly to the right, and Rendon’s aim followed her. Nathaniel’s heart dropped as he realized she was trying to distract his father; trying to buy them time.

“You will do no such thing.”

“You know, Theadosia,” Rendon smiled darkly, “I almost feel sorry for you. _Almost_. Poor little orphan girl. Your own parents didn’t want you. Your alleged “best friend” ran away from you. And then Loghain dropped you like a stone into the sea. Perhaps you think that if you rescue his daughter, he will take you back. Do you _really_ think you ever meant anything to him? I can promise you, you did not. No more than any of the other whores who have warmed his bed since he kicked you out of it.”

“Thea, you _know_ that’s not true,” Anora whispered, her voice hoarse.

For a brief moment, Nathaniel saw Thea’s body crumple slightly, her face white as snow and her eyes shot through with pain. But then, she straightened, facing down his father. “Is that really the best you can do, Rendon? I know who I am. I know who I was. And you cannot change that with your poisoned words. Or, apparently,” she paused, giving him a slightly manic grin, “your actual poison. Sloppy fucking work, there.”

Rendon shrugged. “No matter. Perhaps I can simply change it with a bullet to your head.” He removed the safety with a soft click that seemed deafening in the stillness of the room. “I admit,” he spoke softly, “I will enjoy watching you die.”  
  
A shot rang out in the room, and Nathaniel lunged forward towards Thea, but she was still standing. Instead, his father collapsed to the floor, a single gunshot wound blossoming red against his chest. They turned, and saw Cataline standing with the pistol Thea had given her still braced in her hands. Thea approached her carefully and gently took the gun, replacing the safety and emptying the chamber before setting it aside. From the front windows, the flashing of blue and red lights pulled up to the house, and he breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the familiar bark of Cassandra’s voice issuing orders. Thea looked to Nathaniel.

“Stay with her,” she whispered faintly, nodding her head in the direction of Cat, and he could see that she was not going to be able to maintain her composure much longer. “I will take Anora out to speak with Cass. And hopefully get a ride back to St. Andraste’s. Although I assume it will be superfluous, since either Cass or Cat is probably going to kill me for running off anyways.”

Thea turned and slowly stumbled towards the door, whatever strength she had drawn on up until this point apparently depleted. Anora rushed forward and propped her friend up, whispering something in her ear that Nathaniel couldn’t hear, but that made Thea choke back a small sob as her head fell against Anora’s shoulder and they slowly made their way outside. Nathaniel turned to Cataline, who had gone nearly as pale as her cousin and was shaking violently, her eyes still trained on his father’s lifeless body.

“Nathaniel,” she spoke in a ghost of her normal voice, “I’m sorry… I had to, he was going to kill Thea, I- I didn’t want to kill him.”

“Oh Sweetheart,” he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest as the tears finally burst forth and she wept. “Hush, love. You saved her life. You probably saved _all_ our lives. My father was already dead: I think he has been for many years, on the inside. If you had not done it… I would have. I would do anything to keep you safe. You know that he was lying, of course? I love you. More than anything else.”

She nodded slowly against his shoulder, and he reached a hand up to gently stroke her hair. “We can go home now, Cataline. We can go home, and we can be together and live our lives and we can keep the joy we have found together. It will be alright.”

“It is over.”

 

 


	40. Hard to Keep the Faith

_And if you say something that you might even mean_  
_It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe._

 

-“Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga

 

* * *

 

 

Thea closed her eyes.

For a moment, she could almost believe that she was not there: that she was back home, safe in her kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee and anticipating the eyerolls her cousin would give her for her caffeine consumption. She would have already tripped over Johanna at least twice, Susannah would be insisting that it was time for second breakfast, and Cat and Nathaniel would be poring over blueprints at the dining room table. Her life would be back to normal.

She opened her eyes.

Things were never that easy, were they? She was not at home: she was at the Denerim Police Department headquarters, standing outside of a conference room that she had never been in before, despite her frequent visits to the station over the past year and a half. Cassandra had been accommodating; it paid to be close with the Chief Inspector. Thea would not have to speak to him in a cell, and she had asked that he not be bound when she saw him.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Thea?” Her friend asked quietly beside her.

Thea nodded. “If you had a chance to go back and say goodbye to Regalyan, even knowing how things ended, would you take it?”

Cassandra sighed. “Yes. Yes, I think I would.” She unlocked the door and allowed Thea to step inside. “I will be right here, if you need me.” With a quiet _click_ , the door shut.

Thea took a deep breath, then sat at the conference table across from Loghain Mac Tir.

“Theadosia.”

“Loghain.”

They were both silent for a moment. “I was not certain if I would ever see you again,” he finally spoke. His eyes met hers, and for the first time in years she saw regret reflected there. “They informed me that my lawyer reached a plea deal with the lawyer for the crown. I am to undergo the Joining.”

Thea nodded. It had been Riordan, Loghain’s lawyer, who had suggested the alternative to an outright death sentence for what could reasonably amount to treason. She had merely strongly encouraged the crown’s lawyer, a familiar dark haired woman with golden eyes, to accept the offer. “It may not be a mercy, you know.”

“It is more than I deserve,” he replied quietly, and the room fell silent once more.

“ _Why_?” Thea spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “Why did you do all of this?”

He shook his head. “You already know the answer to that, Theadosia. I know you have seen Duncan’s files. I would rather die than see Ferelden back under Orlesian control.”

“But why go to Rendon Howe, of all people?” She could hear her temper rising in her voice, and she struggled to keep it tamped down. “That man is- _was_ \- the biggest piece of shit south of Tevinter, and honestly, he probably could have given _them_ a run for their money.”

“Language, Theadosia.”

“Oh you have got to be-” She stopped, realizing that there was a small smile curving at the corners of his lips, and she shook her head with a tiny rueful smile of her own. “Really? _This_ is the time for that?”

He shrugged. “Seems as good a time as any. I may have precious few chances in the future.”

Thea sighed. “Why didn’t you come to me, Loghain? Why didn’t you tell me what was happening? I still care about you, despite my better judgement. I would have helped you. I could have intervened with Celene. I could have knocked some sense into Cailan’s head. If nothing else, I could have been there for you and Anora. So _why didn’t you come to me_?”

Loghain’s eyes fell to his hands clasped on the table. “I did not want you involved, Theadosia. I did not want you to get hurt. I meant it when I said that if anything happened to you, I would never forgive myself. And now, I never will.”

She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to pour forth. “Loghain, my aunt and uncle who raised me are dead, and you shielded the man responsible. My dear friend’s husband is dead, and we will never know if you could have done anything to save him or not. We are still trying to sort out the political mess you and Rendon made, and I was almost poisoned to death.” Thea paused, then continued, her voice shaking. “And now… one of the people I care about most in the world is staring down the face of a sentence that at best will lead to exile, and at worst will kill him. I think it is safe to say that I got hurt. Fuck,” she closed her eyes, trying to will away the truth she knew he could see too easily within them. “I’ve been hurting pretty constantly for the past three years.”

When she opened her eyes, she saw his gaze turned back towards her. “For whatever it can be worth now, Theadosia, I am sorry. For everything. Anora told me what Howe said to you. I hope… I hope you know that none of it was true. There was _never_ anyone else. I still…” He shook his head slightly.

“I know,” she whispered.

Loghain sighed, running a hand through his hair and seeming to weigh his next words. “May I ask you one thing, before you leave? Since I may never see you again.” She nodded. “When it ended… when _I_ ended it… I have regretted it ever since. I know I said that we had responsibilities to other people, and I know you promised that when it was over, you would respect my decision because it would be better to hold on to our friendship than to risk losing even that. But- if I had asked you to… would you have stayed?”

Thea closed her eyes, and she took a breath. She stood and walked around the table so that she was standing in front of him, reaching out a delicate hand and placing it on his cheek before carefully turning his head to face her. She leaned down, her lips meeting his, pressing a long kiss against his mouth as the tears finally began to flow.

“You already know the answer to that, Loghain.”

And then she turned, and she walked away. As her hand fell to the doorknob, she paused. Without looking back, she spoke, her tone low and oh _so_ dangerous.

“You had best fucking survive, Loghain Mac Tir. I am not near through being angry with you.”

 

* * *

 

 

Nathaniel pulled into the parking lot of the studio on the outskirts of Denerim. The building looked as though it had been tacked on as an afterthought to the larger space beside it where Thom and Dagna split a workspace: him for his carpentry, her for her metalworking. The sign over the door of the studio space simply read “Red Jenny’s.” He double checked the address Cullen had pressed into his hand after they had left the courthouse following Loghain’s Joining. No one had actually been allowed in the room during the actual process; the grey wardens kept their secrets close, but they had been informed of the outcome.

“She wants to talk to you,” his friend had explained quietly. “I think you are one of the few people she _will_ talk to, right now, and I think she needs to make her own confessions.”

So now Nathaniel found himself pushing open the door to Sera’s tattoo studio. True to Cullen’s word, Thea was there in the chair. Sera herself was focusing intently on whatever design was currently taking shape on the underside of Thea’s left forearm. Thom was sitting on her right side holding her other hand in his and speaking to her in soft tones. When he saw Nathaniel, he stood, pressing a brief kiss to Thea’s forehead before clapping him on the shoulder and retreating back to his own shop. Nathaniel took his place beside Thea, and slipped his hand into hers.

“He survived,” he spoke quietly, running his thumb over her hand. “They are sending him to Montsimmard, in Orlais.” She nodded, and he would swear her body relaxed just a fraction, but she still did not speak. He looked at the lines of ink Sera was carefully injecting into her skin.

“What is it going to be?” He asked, as he recognized the design. “An ending, or a beginning?”

She let her head fall back against the chair, and sighed. Thea did not say anything at first, and Nathaniel was content to let her answer at her own pace.

“I am not certain anymore,” she whispered. “I suppose I owe you that talk now, don’t I?”

He shook his head. “You do not owe me anything, Teddy girl. But you are my best friend, and I love you, and I know that you are hurting. If you _want_ to talk, I am here.”

Thea was silent for a long moment, and when she finally spoke her voice was distant, almost as if she were reciting the events of someone else’s life.

“We were friends, first,” she whispered. “We met at one of Bryce and Eleanor’s parties. I don’t even remember now what it was for. He was the first person I had ever met, other than you, who could take my sass and throw it right back at me.” Thea smiled a bit at the memory. “Anora was a friend of mine already, and so I think we used that as an excuse to see each other more often. Even when I was away at grad school, we would spend hours talking on the phone, or arguing as was often the case, about everything. History, politics, books… and then, yes. We were… together… for several years.”

“And no one knew?”

She shook her head. “No one except Anora. I would never have asked him to keep a secret like that from her, even if I thought we could. She was surprisingly supportive. And I told Cullen, actually, but by then it was already over, and he kept my secret. He has his own past, and I think he understood even better than I did sometimes. Void,” she closed her eyes briefly, “I think he still does. But no, no one else knew, although obviously certain people suspected.”

“How in the void did you keep it from Cataline?” He asked, somewhere between impressed and exasperated. She gave him a tiny smile.

“Because I know how to be discrete. And I had additional motivation: the last thing I wanted to do was make her life more difficult, and finding out that her cousin was sleeping with the queen’s father was _definitely_ going to ratchet her stress levels up. And can you imagine what would have happened if my aunt or uncle found out? Or my dads? They would have killed him, and then me just to prove a point.” She closed her eyes briefly. “Honestly, Nate… those were the years I think I missed you the most. I would like to believe that if I could have told anyone without fear of judgement, it would have been you. And when it ended… it was difficult. Trying to keep all that pain locked up; not being able to tell anyone why my heart was shattered...”

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, and she looked at him with a sad smile. “What happened, Thea? Why did you…?”

“I suppose I should thank you for not assuming the obvious,” she noted drily. Thea cast her eyes downward. “When we… when we decided to take things further, we agreed that we would end it before it went too far. Like I said, we had an amazing friendship. We wanted to be able to hold on to that.”

“And then?”

Thea’s lips twisted into a wry half smile. “What do you think? It went too far. We fell in love with each other. Void, I think we had already fallen too far when it started and were just in denial.”

Nathaniel frowned, confused. “Then, why end it?”

“Because we had responsibilities to other people,” she intoned flatly, almost as if she had practiced the words a thousand times before, or perhaps replayed them in her mind. “Anora had married Cailan a couple years earlier, and while the man was a good person, he had absolutely no head for running a country, and Anora needed the support of her father. Meanwhile, Uncle Bryce and Aunt Eleanor had decided that it was time for Cat and I to move into the VP roles in preparation for taking over the company when they finally retired. Keeping our relationship a secret under those circumstances…” she shook her head. “I knew, the morning he was going to end it. I just knew. Neither of us ever said the words, but…” her voice trailed off.

“And then, a few months later, I met Cullen. I started smiling again. Well, as much as I ever do. I laughed again, and I began to sing again. And I do not want you to think for even one maker damned minute that I do not love that man, because I do, or that I have ever been anything but faithful to him. We have been good to each other, even if we both...” She let the thought trail off unfinished, but Nathaniel suspected he knew where her mind had gone. “I refused to build another relationship on secrets, Nathaniel. I have always been honest with Cullen, and he with me. Even when neither of us was being honest with ourselves.”

He shook his head. “I never thought anything else, Teddy girl,” he reassured her. “But I think I know better than most what it is like to try and let go of someone you love. And I think we both know…”

Thea turned away. “I know,” she whispered.

“What are you going to do, Thea?” Nathaniel asked softly, squeezing her hand.

“I don’t know, Nathaniel. For the first time in my life… I don’t fucking know.”

“Thea,” he bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, “No matter what you decide, you need to understand that I will be there for you this time. I will support you. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

She managed a small smile at that, leaning her forehead briefly against his before sitting back in the chair.

Nathaniel stayed with her, and held her hand, and every so often Sera would pause and take a tissue to wipe away the tears from Thea’s cheeks before pressing a firm kiss to each of them and coaxing a small laugh from her friend. And then they simply sat in silence, the only sound in the room the hum of Sera’s tattoo needle against Thea’s skin as the young woman completed the wyvern sigil.

 

* * *

 

 

Cat stood on the front porch of Thea’s house with Cullen, waiting. There was still so much to be said, but for now, it was over. Healing would come slowly: more slowly for some than for others, she suspected.

Nathaniel’s car pulled into the drive, and he helped Thea out of the passenger seat, her left forearm wrapped in a layer of gauze. Cat looked at Cullen, eyebrow raised in question, but he only shrugged.

“She decided it was time.”

Thea approached them slowly, but when she looked up, there was no storm behind her eyes. For the first time in months, Cat would swear there was a sad peace there. She reached out her arms, and Thea stepped into her embrace. They stood there for long moments, not speaking a word. Then, Nathaniel took her hand, and Cullen wrapped an arm around Thea’s shoulders, and they went into the house to start dinner.

Life would go on.

 

 

 


	41. That Led Me Straight to You

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are_  
_Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars_  
_Pointing me on my way into your loving arms._

 

-“Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts

 

* * *

 

 

_7 Justinian, 9:42 Dragon_

 

Nathaniel took a deep breath, and he smiled.

The summer sun was warm on his skin, and there was just the slightest breeze coming off the sea. He could not decide if the good weather was due to maker-blessed luck, or if it was just afraid enough of Thea’s ire that it had decided to cooperate today in spectacular fashion.

It had been a long road to get here, but there was nowhere else he would rather be.

The last few months had been busy: his father had been buried without ceremony in the family plot in Amaranthine. Nathaniel had attended, mainly to see to the necessary paperwork, but also to close the final chapter on that part of his life. Cataline had been by his side every step of the way. For the most part, their roles, as well as Thea’s, in the downfall of his father and Loghain Mac Tir were kept quiet. In fact, the entire affair had been kept remarkably out of sight of the public, no doubt in part to protect Anora and her new status as sole monarch. Cassandra and Leliana had pulled some strings and worked some sort of magic, and they were left in peace to move on with their lives.

Anora Mac Tir continued to rule the country as she had for the previous five years, only now she did so in her own name rather than her husband’s. She was a fair ruler, and Ferelden continued to flourish under her hand. The queen often consulted with her friends Cataline and Theadosia, the latter frequently appearing at the royal residence for dinner or tea and engaging in long talks with the queen. It was said that these were some of the few moments that Anora was actually known to laugh and smile freely. Whatever else may have happened, a friendship had been rekindled.

As for Thea… he worried about Thea. Nathaniel suspected that, for her at least, things were not as over as she would have preferred. His best friend was going to have to make some very real, very honest decisions sooner rather than later, but this time he would be there for her. He would stand by her side, no matter what.

He and Cataline had spent the remainder of the winter huddled over blueprints and sketches, and by the time the first thaw had arrived, they were ready to begin construction. The foundation had already been laid, and Gatsi, the construction foreman, had assured them that the work was proceeding apace. Both he and Cat had spent long hours consulting with Vivienne about the interiors, and were intent on making the house their home. But that was still a few months off.

For now, Nathaniel was content to be exactly where he was: standing beneath an elegant wooden arch built by Thom for the occasion, and wreathed in wildflowers by Sera and Dagna. It was a small crowd that had gathered: mostly close friends and family. Anders, Dorian, and Cullen stood at his side, each giving him an encouraging grin before the music started, and everyone’s attention turned down the beach.

When he saw her standing there, beautiful and radiant as the sunrise with wildflowers woven into the ginger fall of her hair and light sparkling in her eyes, he felt the same leap in his heart that he had the first moment he had fallen in love with her. It had been a long road to get here.

But it had been worth the wait.

 

* * *

 

 

Cataline took a deep breath, and she smiled.

She had expected she would be nervous on her wedding day, but she was not. Not even remotely. On the contrary, she felt a sense of absolute calm and certainty. Of course, part of that probably came from the fact Thea had made absolutely certain everything ran smoothly. But she also knew that, more importantly, she had never been more sure of any decision in her life.

It was a welcome feeling, this calm. The months immediately following the death of Rendon Howe had been difficult. She’d had to come to terms with the fact that she had, justifiably or not, killed a man. Cat did not regret what she did: she regretted that it had been necessary, and it had shaken her to the core. Both she and Thea had left town for a couple of weeks: she and Nathaniel had gone to Highever, while Thea had retreated to the mountains, leaving the company under the watchful eye of Josephine Montilyet. When they had returned home, there had been many long nights with difficult discussions on all parts, but there had also been much needed healing.

Delilah had given birth to her son in the spring: a healthy baby that she named Adrian Theodore. Cat and Nathaniel had been named godparents, and even Thea begrudgingly admitted that, as far as spawn went, Adrian wasn’t the worst. The boy was sitting with his father and being doted on by Anora, while his mother was enjoying a brief respite long enough to precede Cataline down the aisle, followed by Ravenna. Finally, after flashing her a smile and squeezing her hand, Thea traced their same path.

Cataline took first one step, then another, the soft lace of her dress barely whispering against the sand as she walked towards Nathaniel: towards the man she loved, and the man she had waited for all these years. His eyes met hers, and she knew that the joy she saw there was being reflected in her own face. When she reached the end of the aisle, she handed her bouquet of wildflowers to Thea, and Nathaniel took her hands in his. Cat was vaguely aware of the words Mother Giselle was reciting in front of them, but the rest of the world had largely faded away except for the two of them. When prompted, she recited her vows, and he spoke his, and then they kissed. As they finally parted, they shared their first smile as husband and wife, and walked back down the beach, hand in hand.

The road to this moment had been rough, but it had been worth the heartache.

 

* * *

 

 

Thea took a deep breath, and she smiled.

The night was warm and the skies clear, allowing the twinkling of starlight to mingle with the soft glow of the paper lanterns they had strung up around the temporary dance floor that had been set up in place of her sparring ring. Helping Cat and Nate plan the wedding had been a welcome distraction, and Thea had thoroughly enjoyed herself.

It was good to have everyone together again. Ravenna had finally warmed up to Nathaniel, which had been a relief to both Cat and Thea. She and Anders were laughing over something Varric had said while Cassandra was obviously trying not to join in. Bull and Dorian were at a table towards the back and not being as discrete as they thought they were. To Thea’s surprise, Thom Rainier seemed to be in earnest conversation with Josephine, and the woman did not seem to be minding the attention. _Interesting_ , she smiled to herself.

Alistair was there, with his wife Mira. Mira had greeted Thea with a warm hug and her gentle smile, but Alistair was studiously avoiding her. He knew that Thea had advocated for the Joining, and he had not forgiven her. Thea was not certain if he ever would, or even if he could. And she did not blame him for that. What was important was that his friendship with Cataline remained intact, and that was all she cared about. Cat had suffered enough for Thea’s decisions.

Every two or three weeks, Thea received a neatly handwritten letter from Orlais. She always read them alone, and then locked them away in a box that she kept in her closet. Only Cullen, Cat, and Nate knew whether or not she ever responded to any of them.

She heard the soft fall of Cullen’s footsteps as he came and stood beside her, leaning up against the railing and looking out over the wedding guests with a small smile.  

“It’s been a long journey, hasn’t it?”

Thea nodded. “It has. But we made it. Maybe a bit more scarred for our travels, but still here. And those two are finally together, right where they belong.”

They looked out over the deck to the dance floor, where Cat and Nathaniel were moving in a slow circle at the center, their arms wrapped around each other and matching expressions of joy on their faces. Thea smiled as her best friend leaned down and brushed a kiss against Cat’s lips, prompting the other woman to smile even brighter.

The road to this point had been broken, but they had all made it home.

“So,” Cullen asked softly, “After all this time, and all your hopes for them… did it turn out as you expected?”

Thea smiled.

“ _Even better_.”

 


	42. A Razor Sharp Smile (epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place approximately nine months after Cat and Nathaniel's wedding.

_The only blade is a razor sharp smile_  
_Still a church bell rings to collect the sins that still roam_  
_But the only thing lost is the pain when nothing was more_  
_Don’t look back, for what’s dead now is saved_  
_The exiled are home where their souls were kept safe._

-“No More Paddy’s Lament” by Flogging Molly

* * *

_20 Drakonis, 9:43 Dragon_

 

The bar was mostly empty. Not surprising, this early in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and Loghain was not sorry for the peace. He sat in the corner farthest away from the few other patrons that had dragged themselves inside on the first truly nice day of spring, opting for the cool, forgiving dimness of the local watering hole rather than the relentlessly cheerful warmth of the sun. It was not someplace he would have chosen to spend his day, but he was grateful enough for the meeting that had been offered that he would have been willing to show up in the Void itself.

He glanced at his watch, irritated at his own impatience, then took a sip of his drink. Before he even had time to lower the glass, Nathaniel Howe slipped into the seat across from him, silent as a shadow. The other man gestured to the bartender, but said nothing until he’d been brought his drink and had taken a long drag from it. He looked at Loghain, and seemed to be contemplating what exactly he wanted to say.

“You seem to be doing alright, all things considered.”

Loghain shrugged. “Considering I’m stuck in Orlais, you mean? Yes, I suppose I am surviving. Things are better than they were; at least my daughter is speaking to me again. _Her_ influence, no doubt.”

Nathaniel gave him a small smile. “She does have a track record of getting her way. There have also been rumors that you may be recalled to Ferelden. Apparently the Wardens are not so immune to political pressures as they would like to believe.”

“No, I suppose not,” Loghain agreed, nodding slowly. He had been in talks with the warden-commander of Orlais, who had floated the possibility that he might be allowed to return home, assuming he could give his assurances that he would stay out of trouble. He was not quite certain who was pulling the strings there, although he could guess and, if he was right, he could hardly blame the commander for bowing to the wishes of two very strong-willed women. “How is your wife?”

“She is fine, thank you,” Nathaniel smiled slightly, his expression softening at the thought of Cataline. “Things have been picking up at work; they always do this time of year, so she has been keeping busy, but she loves it.”

They fell back into silence for awhile. Nathaniel ordered another round, and lifted his glass in a brief toast before setting it on the table and folding his hands in front of him. He was obviously waiting for Loghain to ask the question he had been avoiding, and he clearly had the time to wait. Loghain sighed, then finally spoke the words he needed to say.

“How is she?”

“Good,” Nathaniel replied, his faint smile indicating that he’d known damn well what was coming. “She’s eating alright, though not as well as we’d like, and trying to pretend she doesn’t know about the party we’re planning for her birthday in a few days.”

Loghain chuckled quietly despite himself. “She is a difficult woman to surprise.”

“That she is,” Nathaniel gave a small laugh of his own before his expression grew thoughtful. He looked at Loghain intently. “She’ll be happier when you come home.”

He sighed. “Nathaniel, Theadosia is the one reason I _shouldn’t_ go home. I- you know how I still feel about her. It isn’t fair for me to keep dragging her back into the past when she has moved on with her life.” _And thank the Maker I did not damage her such that she couldn’t_.

Nathaniel shook his head slightly. “She hasn’t told you yet, then. It figures.” He gave another small, wry smile. “Apparently I get that honor.”

“Told me what?”

The other man shrugged. “Loghain, Thea and Cullen have been divorced for almost six months.”

He stared at him blankly. “ _What?_ Why? How?”

“Short answer? They should have never been married in the first place. Which, if I’d been here for her like I should have been, Thea would have realized a void of a lot sooner. For that matter, maybe I would have been able to convince her that she should have fought harder to stay with you, since it is abundantly obvious that is where both your hearts are. Thea and Cullen loved each other, they did,” Nathaniel pinched the bridge of his nose and gave a short sigh. “They just weren’t _in_ love with each other. Not like they thought they were, in any case.”

“And so he abandoned Theadosia?” Loghain could feel the anger rising in his voice but did nothing to temper it, though he managed to loosen his grip on the glass before he shattered it. “He just left her?”

“ _You_ did,” Nathaniel replied flatly.

He looked down at his hands. “That was different,” he muttered. “I… I made the biggest mistake of my life, letting her go. He should have known better.”

Nathaniel shook his head. “Loghain, they _let each other go._ They spent their entire relationship being open and honest with each other, and absolutely none of it being honest with themselves. Thea was still in love with you and angry as fuck that she had not tried harder to save your relationship, and Cullen was still mourning the death of the woman he considered the love of his life. If I had to take a guess, I’d say things started changing about the time you told Thea you had never stopped loving her. And she realized she’d never stopped loving you, either.”

Loghain sighed. “So this is my fault. Wonderful. Well, just heap it onto the pile with all the other sins I’ll never really be able to atone for.”

“Oh stop being so dramatic,” Nathaniel rolled his eyes, and in that moment Loghain understood why he and Theadosia were best friends. “Thea and Cullen will always care about each other, and the separation was completely amicable. She even gifted him a piece of land in South Reach, close to his family, so that he can open the rehab clinic for ex-SFU soldiers that he always dreamed about. Iron Bull took over Cullen’s position at S&S, and Krem took over Bull’s job. To be honest,” Nathaniel’s gaze bored into him, “I have no doubt they loved each other, but I question whether or not they were ever really meant for each other. Not forever. Had I been here for her, maybe… I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t she tell me? I have to have received at least a half dozen letters in the past six months, and she never said a word.”

“She needed to make sure this time, Loghain,” Nathaniel replied quietly. “She rushed things with Cullen, and she knows it. Thea is not too proud to admit she is equally to blame for this. She needed to take the time to process. This time, though, she had people there to help her through it. That woman loves you, but she had a lot to work through before she was able to find the courage to see if you might still feel the same way. Also, she wanted to be sure that, when she told you, you would be able to come home if you wanted to.”

Loghain struggled to find the right words to say, and failed spectacularly. Finally, he just sighed and said, “Amicable or not… she deserved better. She has _always_ deserved better.”

“You don’t say.”

He had not seen her there in the shadows, hip and shoulder propped up against the wall, head tilted to one side and a single brow raised over storm blue eyes that still threatened to drown him every time he looked at her. She’d left her hair down, the auburn waves picking up the faint traces of sunlight that had managed to creep into the bar and smoldering like autumn. Her voice was soft and colored by equal parts amusement, sarcasm, and wariness. She was, in fact, just as heartbreakingly beautiful as she had been the day he had left, and if her tone was any indication, her wit and grace had been left unscathed for the time that had passed between them.

“Theadosia,” he whispered, unable to tear his eyes away from her even as Nathaniel stood and vacated the booth. He paused when he reached his best friend, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her cheek before he turned and looked back at Loghain, warning written clearly in his eyes.

“Don’t fuck this up again.”

With that, Nathaniel turned and exited the bar, leaving him alone with Theadosia. She gazed at him intently, but he could see the uncertainty in her eyes. Loghain took a deep breath, and then a hesitant step closer to her.

“I admit, you were the last person I expected to see today.”

“Part of being difficult to surprise means that _I_ am excellent at surprises,” she retorted smoothly, lips curving into the small half smile she favored. “I know what people don’t expect, and can plan accordingly.”

“I’m sorry about…” He shrugged, knowing that his apology would mean very little, given that he was not entirely certain he was very sorry at all.

“No, you’re not,” she laughed quietly, reading his thoughts far too easily. “And I do not blame you for that. Cullen and I had some good years together, but Nathaniel was right: we never really belonged to each other. He is happy now; happier than I think I have ever seen him, which in turn makes me happy. Cullen is finally in a job where his past is an asset rather than a liability, and he doesn’t have to hide anymore. He has also met an absolutely lovely elven woman named Mara. A teacher, I believe, and his brother Branson and I are doing our damned best to gently nudge him in that direction. No small task, granted, but I think he’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Alright,” he took a step closer, “But where exactly does that leave you?”

Theadosia gave another small breath of laughter. “That leaves me in a dive bar in Montsimmard in the middle of the day, tracking down the man who managed to hold my heart long after I should have let him go, and waiting to see if I am a complete idiot for hoping that he might be willing to try again.”

“Theadosia Livia Trevelyan,” Loghain took another step closer, such that she had to look up to face him, “I have never _once_ known you to be an idiot. Let alone a complete idiot.” He reached out a hand and gently placed it on her cheek, and her eyelids fluttered shut as she leaned into his touch, her breath ghosting over his hand. “But you need to know that if I take you in my arms again, I will not be able to let you go. I never once stopped loving you, Theadosia, and if the Maker has seen fit to give me a second chance, then I will not be foolish enough to squander it.”

She opened her eyes, and her smile broadened into something more; something _real_.

“Promise?”

He wrapped his arms around her waist as she arched onto her toes and wound her arms around his shoulders and then, her lips met his. They kissed each other, and all the heat and passion and want that had been there years ago was there, but even more intense and vibrant for their time apart.

“Theadosia,” he whispered when they finally parted, his hand tilting her chin up so that she was facing him, “How? How can you possibly still love me after everything I’ve done?”

“Oh Loghain,” she shook her head, her smile softening slightly. “I will never do you the disservice of lying to you: you fucked up beyond all reason. Cataline is still not exactly happy, although the fact that you were not actually responsible for or knew about Bryce and Eleanor’s deaths helps a little. But we all know that you did what you did for love of your country, and to protect your daughter. Intent counts for something. And, in her words, she would like to see me smile again.”

“I am still a monster,” he turned away from her, but she held on, and this time she reached up a gentle hand to coax him back to her gaze.

“I do not see a monster,” she reassured him. “I see the man I fell in love with all those years ago, and I see the man you still have the potential to be. Here,” she reached into her handbag that had been set on the table and produced a file folder. “This a transfer order, signed by the First Warden of Weisshaupt himself. It indicates that you are to be transferred back to Ferelden to act as the warden liaison between the order and the crown. It was not easy to get, but Anora and I were able to make the First Warden come around to our point of view. Leliana even helped a bit, Maker bless her.”

Loghain stared at the papers. She was right: the transfer was there in black and white. He could go home.

“It will not be easy,” she murmured softly. “Even keeping things as quiet as we did, there were, _are_ , still rumors. If you come home, people will talk, and they will not be kind. But, you would be back in Ferelden. And, for whatever it is worth,” Theadosia took a deep breath, “You would have me.”

He kissed her again, softer this time, but he could tell she already knew his answer from the way her lips curved up in the slightest hint of a smile against his mouth. “You are worth _everything_ , you impossible woman.”

She laughed, wrapping her arms around him tighter and nuzzling her head against his shoulder. “You know I am _still_ impossible, yes? That has not changed.”

“I would be disappointed if it had,” Loghain pressed a kiss to the top of her head; breathed in the scent of lavender she wore. “I love you, Theadosia. Always.”

“I love you too, Loghain. Always.” She stepped back, taking his hand in hers and leading him towards the door. Towards his future.

“Let’s go home.”


End file.
